Triumphs of the Toppler, Vol. 2
Hobo Heart vs The Toppler
Once, The Toppler was out for a drive to the gym, since there wasn't much for him to punch at the moment. As he turned into a field, a dark figure jumped onto the car and smashed through the windshield. Quickly, in retaliation, the Toppler chucked him out of the window into a nearby tree. The creature picked up a large rock, because screw you, and tossed it through the Toppler's windshield. Didn't the windshield already get broken? thought the Toppler as the rock collided with him, crumbling to dust instantly, since nobody crushes the Toppler! He stepped out of the car, pretending he was Neo or something (which was difficult, since he was only wearing a jockstrap [not my idea]). The creature, which I guess is called Hobo Heart (it's unrevealed in the story, I'm just grasping at straws), lunged at the Toppler, ready to tear out his heart. However, nobody mutilates the Toppler, so he was thankfully unscathed. "The last person who tried that," said the Toppler with a calm fury, "ended up drowning in the Thames." The Toppler then grabbed Hobo Heart by the head, crushing his skull, as it considered that the exoskeleton was a bad design choice. The Toppler grabbed Hobo Heart by the neck and flung him into the moon, where he quickly suffocated and died. And everything was lovely once again. Wonderful.
The Real Chuck E Cheese vs The Toppler
One day, the Toppler was a bit low on cash, so the only place he could go to eat was Chuck E. Cheese. About 17 pizzas later, the Toppler felt as right as rain because nobody gives the Toppler Coronary Heart Disease! He then went to play on some arcade machines. One, which was called Hammerhead (though everyone knew it as "Shark-A-Mole") caught his eye, and 20 shark-whacking minutes later, he'd somehow won 67890000 tickets , since nobody scams the Toppler! Take that, arcades! He was just about to spend the next 5 hours exchanging the mountain of tickets, which was so tall that Edmund Hillary came back from the dead just to say, "Bloody hell, I can't climb that!" Then he died again and somehow no-one noticed.
"Well, that was... odd," said the Toppler, about to drag the tickets to the ticket thingy, when suddenly there was an awful yelling and crying, there was the noise of chains rattling and someone shouting. It came from a nearby door marked "staff only." Curious, the Toppler prepared to bust it down, but then he realised that it was unlocked. "Where the hell's the safety inspector?" muttered the Toppler as he entered the room. "What the hell's going on in here?" Then, he saw a large rat-creature throwing desks and scientists at the wall. Yep, there was a biolab in a Chuck E. Cheese. The perfect location, isn't it? The Toppler dived at the giant rat and starting eating its fingers. "Needs salt," muttered the Toppler.
"You can't just eat that thing," bellowed the head scientist. "It's a beast version of our mascot!" The Toppler and the giant rat stopped their fight, and beat up and killed the scientist. Then they resumed. The fight spilled outside, and once more nobody noticed. The Toppler picked up the Shark-A-Mole machine and repeatedly bashed the creature over the head with it. Then he put it down for others to enjoy, and picked up the Time Crisis 3 machine. Since everyone was sick of that game, it wouldn't be that big of a loss. He proceeded to ram it down the rat's throat, somehow causing it to explode, and yet again, nobody cared. It was then the Toppler realised that his mountain of tickets had been stolen. "Ah well," said the Toppler. "It was probably only about 5 drumsticks' worth anyway."
Tails Doll vs The Toppler
Because the Toppler never has anything to do, he once decided to play the immortal racing classic with magnets in the walls, Sonic R. In fairness, he only had a Sega Saturn, so that gives him a better excuse than some people (Richard). Jokingly, he picked the Tails Doll (oh, we were laughing for days!), and won anyway, since no-one beats the Toppler at Sonic R! And then the Tails doll appeared. Don't know what I expected, thought the Toppler, before he ate the doll. But then another Tails doll appeared. "Didn't I just eat you?" inquired the Toppler.
"No," replied THE DOLL. "That was just a prank by your neighbour."
"Dammit, Thomas!" yelled the Toppler out the window. He turned to the Tails Doll. "Wait, how'd you know about that?"
"I have intense powers gifted to me by the fans," responded the completely un-intimidating creature.
"You have fans?" cried the Toppler, jumping back in shock.
"Right, that does it," growled THE DOLL. It dived at the Toppler like Sheev, but missed completely because nobody... erm... Sheevs the Toppler! It fell out the window, but luckily, it landed on the ground. The doll produced a chainsaw from who knows where, and floated upwards. This was of course as scary as a marshmallow in a top hat, so the Toppler just laughed uncontrollably at it. "Stop laughing!" roared the doll, charging at the Toppler. It swung the chainsaw at his head, but the chainsaw crumpled against the Toppler's rippling neck fat, since no-one decapitates the Toppler! The Toppler proceeded to suplex the Tails Doll through the floor so hard, that it tunneled all the way to Australia, where it burned like a bomb and exploded!
"I really should get a new console," said the Toppler.
Teke Teke vs The Toppler
One time, the Toppler went to Japan because a) screw you, and b) he needed to go somewhere where he wouldn't be judged for watching Dragonball. Once he got there, he needed to get a train to his hotel, but about 6 minutes into the journey, there was an odd teke-teke sound. "That sounds like someone running on their elbows," said one of the passengers (in Japanese).
"No it doesn't, you imbecile!" shouted everyone else. Suddenly, the train ground to a halt, and a figure ran up in front of the train on her elbows.
"Ha!" said the first passenger triumphantly. "I knew it!"
"Nobody cares!" bellowed everyone else. The figure as carrying a scythe and a axe. So, sighing, the Toppler jumped out of the window to beat this thing up. The creature, Teke Teke, lunged at the Toppler and swung the scythe at him. However, the scythe was split in 2, because nobody cuts up the Toppler!
"Bugger," said the creature.
"That doesn't sound like something that the poundland equivalent of a decent Japanese myth would say," retorted the Toppler, grabbing the girl and chucking her at the train, stunning her, because he's the Toppler, shut up. He then started the train after leaping into the driver's seat, crushing Teke Teke despite the fact that she's a ghost. This is on the Trollpasta wiki; were you expecting common sense? And they went to the hotel, and the Toppler spent 3 months in his room watching Dragonball. He came out unscathed because nobody diminishes the Toppler's great strength! Not even sloth!
Clockwork vs The Toppler
The Toppler decided to join back up with Ofsted because he was bored and had nothing better to do. His first assignment back on the job was "Walkerville Creative Arts College," which was neither a college, nor was it focused on creative arts. It was just an average American high school. After a short battle with the french teacher, Captain Falcon, the school had been shut down. As the Toppler headed off down to the pub for a celebratory drink, he heard an odd ticking noise. He wheeled around to see a girl, formerly known as Natalie, walking into a tree because she only had one eye; the other had been replaced with a clock. "Err... are you alright?" called the Toppler.
"Are you, perchance, Johnny Topples?" replied the girl who used to be known as Natalie.
"Well, yeah," replied the Toppler. "Why do you ask?"
"Yes! Now I can finally proclaim myself the greatest serial killer in the world!" she cried, and pulled out a boombox and pressed a button. Before the Toppler could ask as to where the hell she got a boombox from, he heard the unmistakable sound of someone reading Clockwork: Your Time is Up. The Toppler fell over on the ground, writhing in pain.
"Agh! Mary-Sue origin stories!" cried the Toppler. "My one weakness!" As the father within the dreadful story raised an encyclopedia, a very charred stuffed giraffe leaped out of a nearby bush and pushed the eject button.
"Traitor!" cried the girl known as Natalie.
"You set me on fire, you jerk!" yelled the giraffe. Wasting no time, the Toppler lunged at the girl known as Natalie, pushing her in front of a bus. After the bus and several cars had run her over, the Toppler picked up the girl and chucked her all the way around the world, and when she got back she slammed into the Toppler's outstretched fist, shattering her skull and killing her.
"You've saved my life," said the Toppler to the stuffed giraffe. "Do you want to be friends?"
"Yeah, sure," replied the giraffe. "I mean, my last owner set me on fire, and now she's dead, so why not?"
"Fantastic," said the Toppler, and the 2 of them went off to the pub to get incredibly drunk.
Mecha-Jeff vs The Toppler
The Toppler and his new best friend, the stuffed giraffe (whom he'd taken to calling "Dave") were off to work at Ofsted one day, when suddenly a gigantic robot body appeared with Jeff's head mounted on it. Jeff's mace now had a large vertical scar where the Toppler had shoved a knife into it, and had written 'KILL' on his face with a sharpie. It looked completely ridiculous, especially since he had written it around the scar so that it looked like the scar was the 'I' in 'KILL.'
"Surprise!" yelled Jeff, jumping out from behind a very large bush.
"Well, it was hardly surprising, was it?" said Dave. "We could hear you coming from a mile away with all the clanking you make as you walk. I don't even have any ears!"
"Oh, go to kip!" said Jeff in his weird old voice, aiming a large blaster cannon which fired 123683200 missiles at the Toppler. The Toppler of course just shrugged them off, though, since nobody blows up the Toppler!
"Well, what did you expect?" asked the Toppler, walking menacingly towards Jeff. "Don't you remember that I can't be killed?"
"Actually, no," replied Jeff. "Given my fish-like appearance, I have also developed the memory of a fish. In case you-what was the question again?"
The Toppler leaped at Mecha-Jeff like Sheev, and ripped off his arms. "Hah!" he cried triumphantly. "Victory is mine!"
"What? Coward! Come back and fight me!" yelled Jeff as Dave and the Toppler walked off.
"You have no arms! We win!" shouted Dave.
"Eh," said Jeff, glancing at where his arms used to be. "I've had worse." So Jeff proceeded to kick the Toppler with his rocket feet, despite the fact he kept rocketing backwards at houses and smashing them, causing millions of pounds worth of property damage. To prevent the council spending any more of their biscuit funds on reconstruction, the Toppler poured Worcestershire sauce on Jeff's robot legs and ate them. "Tell you what," said Jeff timidly, "let's call it a draw." The Toppler kicked Jeff's fishy head off of his body like a rugby ball, and with that Dave and the Toppler ran off to work to avoid being late.
The end.
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