Triumphs of the Toppler, Vol 3: The Hyena's Gauntlet

Sonic.Exe vs The Toppler

One day, Thomas Simple received an odd sonic game. So, as a prank, he gave it to the Toppler (oh, we were laughing for days!), who was his next-door neighbour. Due to his stereotypical stupidity, the Toppler decided to play the game. One hour of blood and murder later, the Toppler turned off the game. Whilst it was very well made, the events had too much unnecessary gore, and the ending wasn't very good. He spun around on his chair, only to spot a bloody sonic plushie behind him. He quickly ate it so that his best friend, Dave the stuffed giraffe, wouldn't think that the Toppler was trying to replace him. Suddenly, Dave walked in as the plushie's legs were dangling out of the Toppler's mouth. "Cursed game again?" asked Dave nonchalantly. This was not the first time the Toppler had encountered a plushie after playing a scary game.

"Mmph," replied the Toppler, though given the context, Dave knew that he meant "Yes."

Suddenly, a large hand reached out of the computer because this is based off of a JC-The-Hyena story. Dave jumped into the screen after the Toppler got pulled in. The 2 found themselves in an odd dimension. It looked a bit like hell, except more weeb-ish. Suddenly, a creature that looked like sonic appeared, though it had black and red eyes and blood dripping from them. Jacob, Toby, and Matt all took 3 shots each. "Are you, perchance, the bloke in charge here?" asked Dave.

"Actually, no," said the Sonic creature. "I am merely the humble servant of JC-The-Hyena, though I usually do all the work anyway."

"I've heard of this JC-The-Hyena," said the Toppler, thoughtfully. "Didn't he once try to subjugate the internet?"

"The same," replied the Sonic creature. "My name's X," it continued for whatever reason.

"Not a very creative name, is it?" asked Dave.

"Where is JC, anyway?" inquired the Toppler. "I want to go beat him up."

"Not on your life, pal," replied X. So, of course a fight broke out. X manipulated the terrain several times in order to destroy the Toppler, but failed because no-one crushes, engulfs, or does anything else to kill the Toppler! With one mighty punch, the Toppler sent X flying towards the ceiling, impaling him on one of the stalactites hanging from it. But, because JC-The-Hyena created this guy, it barely phased him. So, he bled on the floor, causing the Toppler to slip over. As the Toppler started to get up, X dove onto him and started bashing his face in. This of course did nothing, and the Toppler pushed X off of him, sitting on him and killing him instantly.

"Well, that was fun," said the Toppler.

"True, but I think we should get back to our dimension," replied Dave. As they stepped through a nearby portal, they heard odd, weeb-ish laughter, but gave no thought to it as they were whisked away. However, they found themselves not back at the Toppler's house, but in a room full of men with suits holding guns, with a woman in a power suit and a white mask sitting in a large chair.

"Well, well, well," said the woman. "What have we here?"

Big Jane Lebowski vs The Toppler

All the blokes in the room pointed their guns at Dave and the Toppler. "You must be the Toppler," said the woman. "I've been expecting you."

"Who are you?" inquired Dave angrily.

All the blokes put down their guns and each handed the woman a cigarette. "My fame," she said, " if Bigf Jafne Lebowfki."

"What?" said the Toppler, visibly confused.

"I think she said, 'My name is Big Jane Lebowski.' It's a bit hard to tell with all the cigarettes in her mouth," replied Dave.

"Well then," said the Toppler, "let's finish her off before the lung cancer does." He got to his feet and started beating up all the blokes with guns. They fired upon the Toppler, causing him to flinch, though the bullets merely bounced off of his rippling biceps, since nobody fills the Toppler with lead!

"Impossible!" cried Jane. "JC-The-Hyena told that those plot guns would finish you off!"

"Wait, you work for that weeb?" said Dave.

"Of course," answered Jane. "He's the one who sent you 2 here to die. After all, you're the only 2 people who can stop his subjugation of the internet."

"Why are you telling us this?" said the Toppler, since there was no apparent reason for it.

"Because," exposited Jane, producing a plot bazooka, "you won't live to do anything about it!"

"I beg to differ," quipped Dave, rushing towards Jane. As she pulled the trigger, he knocked the plot bazooka downwards, causing it to blast Jane upwards with such force that she was crushed immediately upon impact with the ceiling.

"Thanks Dave," said the Toppler. "But I'm pretty sure I could've handled it."

"Uh huh, sure," said Dave sarcastically. Suddenly, another portal opened nearby. The Toppler and Dave decided to head through it, since there didn't seem to be any other exits. They found themselves on a set of train tracks. Suddenly, they both heard an odd 'teke-teke' sound behind them...

The Tekegami vs The Toppler

As the 'Teke-Teke' sound grew closer, the Toppler recognised his surroundings. "This is where I fought that ghost-thingy when I went on holiday to Japan!" he cried.

"Why did you go to Japan, of all places?" asked Dave.

"I needed to go somewhere where no-one would judge me for watching dragonball," replied the Toppler. Suddenly a large dog ran up to them... on its elbows. It was then the Toppler noticed its lack of legs.

"Behold, my creation!" boomed a disembodied voice. "The Tekegami! A fusion between an inugami, and the japanese ghost known as te-"

"Sorry, do we know you?" asked Dave.

"Hardly intimidating if we don't know who's intimidating us," continued the Toppler.

"It's me!" yelled the voice. "JC-The-Hyena!"

"OK, that's even less reason to be intimidated," said the Toppler.

The Tekegami barked a bit.

"Don't worry, I speak dog," said Dave, before stroking his chin for a moment.

"What did it say?" inquired the Toppler.

"'He didn't create me. I'm native to this universe,'" said Dave.

"Right, let's just get going," said the Toppler, clenching his fists. Seeming to understand the Toppler's desire to do battle, the Tekegami leapt at him like Sheev. The Toppler kicked it on the gut, sending it flying upwards. It plummeted down, sprawling on the ground. The Toppler grabbed its arms and started spinning it around. Eventually, he chucked it into the air. It flew just above the atmosphere, before it started to fall. It had burnt up before it had even made it past the clouds upon re-entry.

"What?" boomed JC. "How?"

"Well, it's basically just half a dog," said the Toppler calmly.

"Hardly the most deadly opponent in the multiverse, is it?" said Dave.

"Rrgh!" growled JC. "You may have defeated my creation-"

"We've already established that you didn't make it!" interrupted Dave.

"-but you'll never defeat your next foe!" continued JC, taking no notice of Dave's interruption. A portal opened, and, with no other means of escape (while the Toppler could break the fabric of reality, he couldn't decide which dimension he make the holes lead to) the Toppler and Dave stepped through. They found themselves on a dark street. Suddenly, they noticed a short, 4-legged figure walking slowly in their direction. As it stepped into the light, it looked very familiar. It seemed to be a stuffed giraffe, exactly like Dave, except for one noticeable detail.

This Dave had a clock in place of his left eye.

Davework vs The Toppler

As the stuffed giraffe got closer towards Dave and the Toppler, they noticed it was clutching a knife somehow, despite the fact it had no fingers. "I do admit," said Dave, "I'm not exactly the most threatening person in the world."

"Even with the clock eye and knife," continued the Toppler.

"Well? What are you waiting for?" shouted Dave to the Toppler. "Go get him!"

"Are you sure?" asked the Toppler, nervously. "I mean, he is my current opponent and all, but he's also you. You're my best friend; I can't beat my best friend up!"

Dave sighed. It looked like he'd have to do this one alone. He walked up to the other Dave (let's call him Davework, because why the hell not), and leapt at his clock-eyed doppelganger. They starting punching each other, but were equally matched given that both Dave and Davework were basically the same person. The Toppler, who was just standing there awkwardly, wasn't sure which of them he was cheering for. Eventually, Dave produced a lighter from who knows where and chucked it at Davework, who went up in flames.

"Well, that was a relatively short battle," said the Toppler as Dave walked back towards him. There was an awkward pause.

"Shouldn't another portal have opened up?" said Dave, puzzledly. Suddenly, a tiny woman emerged from Davework's burning remains.

"Behold!" boomed the voice of JC-The-Hyena from the sky. "Tiny Clockwork!"

"That's not intimidating in the slightest," said the Toppler as he walked up to Tiny Clockwork and stepped on her, killing her instantly.

"Curses! Well, you shall not survive your next opponent!" bellowed JC. "Or, should that be... opponents?"

"That's not intimidating or clever," muttered Dave, as a portal opened and the Toppler and Dave stepped through. They found themselves at a bus stop.

"Is my next opponent a bus?" inquired the Toppler to nobody in particular. Dave sniggered. Suddenly, they heard 3 sets of footsteps. They could tell that there were 3 people because they were apparently master detectives.

"Oi, mates," said the leader. "Looks like we've got some new meat."

Randy the Killer, Keith the Killler, and Troy

The Killers vs The Toppler

The Toppler and Dave wheeled round to see 3 boys, each with white skin and no eyelids. "Well, since you're new around here, I'd like to introduce myself and my friends. That's Keith," said the leader, gesturing to the skinny fish-faced bloke on his left. "And that," he continued, gesturing to the fat bloke on his right, "is Troy." Talk about a tub of lard! He looked like he hadn't any exercise since he'd last beaten up someone who'd made an atrocious joke about him. "And I," he said, "am Randy. Now, we have a slight charge for bus fare in this neighbourhood, if you catch my drift."

"We're not catching any bus though," protested the Toppler.

"Oh," said Randy, feeling incredibly embarrassed. "Well, we're still going to mug you."

"And if not," continued Keith, "we can always display why they call us 'the Killers.'"

"I'm a stuffed giraffe!" yelled Dave. "I don't have pockets, let alone money!"

"Well," said Troy, producing a pair of drumsticks, "there is another option." Dave gulped.

*  *  *

The Toppler and Dave clapped as Randy, Keith, and Troy wrapped up their performance of 'somebody told me.'

"Well, are you going to give us your money now?" inquired Keith politely.

"Errrr... no," said the Toppler. "While it was a good performance, it wasn't exactly worth a couple of quid." Dave nodded in agreement, and smoked a pipe to make him look more intelligent.

"Well, back to plan A," said Randy, drawing a knife. Keith and Troy did the same and the 3 slowly advanced on the Toppler and Dave, snapping their fingers like they were in West Side Story. The Toppler hoisted the bench into the air and chucked it at the 12 year old muggers, sending them flying backwards. After pulling themselves together, the muggers ran at the Toppler once more and stabbed him in unison. However, all of their knives just bent on his rippling biceps, since nobody stabs the Toppler! The Toppler grabbed the 3 muggers by the shirt collars, and chucked them into the sun.

"Seems like overkill," muttered Dave.

"They were 3 clones of Jeff!" replied the Toppler. "It was the one way I could be sure that they'd die!"  

"Eh, fair point" said Dave, as another portal opened and they stepped through. They found themselves back in X's hell dimension. This time, however, they found themselves in front of a throne constructed out of Anime DVDs. And on it sat JC-The-Hyena.

"You have meddled in my affairs for the last time!" he boomed in his weebish voice.

"Is your prose normally that purple?" inquired Dave.

JC-The-Hyena vs The Toppler

"You have defeated too many of my minions!" cried JC-The-Hyena. "Now, you shall-"

"Minions?" said the Toppler skeptically.

"They were probably just murderers who just liked killing anyone they came across!" yelled Dave.

"I don't care!" yelled JC in his weeb-ish, not-very-intimidating voice. "You shall pay the price for thwarting me!"

"Sadly, I don't have my wallet on me," said the Toppler coolly. "Can I go home and get it?"

"Thou shalt remain in this place, 'til thou dies! Thou shalt be defeated easily by mine robot suit!" bellowed JC, as a gigantic mech suit appeared behind him and he climbed in. It quickly powered up, and it charged at the Toppler, who'd just stood there with Dave as it powered up. Dave pulled out a tub of popcorn and began to eat it, despite the fact that he's a stuffed giraffe and has no mouth. Then again, how's he been talking all this time? Anyway, the mech suit started pounding away at the Toppler, but it did absolutely nothing because nobody grounds the Toppler into a fine powder! The Toppler leapt at JC's mech suit and ripped the weeb within out of it. He chucked him into a nearby pit of lava, because they're in hell, and after 10 seconds, he yanked JC out of it and jumped up and down on his burnt corpse. Afterwards, the Toppler pounded JC's face in so much that it became a disgusting mush. Or at least more disgusting than JC-The-Hyena usually was. Then, the Toppler sat on what was left of JC and stole some of Dave's popcorn. And after that, he-

"Alright, alright, he's dead!" cried Dave. "This, I think, is the literal definition of overkill!"

"Yeah, but it's JC-The-Hyena," protested the Toppler.

"Fair enough," said Dave. "But only for 5 more minutes!"

"Aw," grumbled the Toppler.

*  *  *

5 minutes later, JC-The-Hyena's corpse had been ground into a powder that was so fine, it was barely noticeable. "So, how do we get out?" asked the Toppler, walking away from the JC-dust.

"I think there's our way out," replied Dave, gesturing to a computer screen-shaped portal into what looked like the Toppler's front room, where he had been playing Sonic.exe. Shrugging their shoulders, Dave and the Toppler stepped through the portal and landed back in the Toppler's office. The screen showed a black screen with blood red text on it. (Jacob, Toby, and Matt took 3 shots each.) The text read, 'Ready for Round 2?' Before the Toppler and Dave could groan about sequel bait, they received a Skype call.

It was from President Sherwood, with an empty shot glass in his hand and a worried expression.

"Mr Topples," said the President, "we have a huge problem."

To be continued in Triumphs of the Toppler Vol 4.

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