Triumphs of the Toppler Vol. 5

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Bootman Bill vs The Toppler

After beating Dark Souls for the 798th time one day, the Toppler decided that he needed a new game. This was perfectly fine with his best friend, Dave the stuffed giraffe from Clockwork, because they only really had 2 other games (they had a 3rd, but it was haunted and led to a battle with the whiniest whiner that ever… I'll just stop): Super Mario 666 and Rayman 4, both of which were terrible.Dave would say that he'd rather drink piss than play Rayman 4… if drinking piss wasn't part of the game. So, the Toppler went to the Media Giant for some new games. "Sorry Johnny," said the 60 foot tall man. "I just bring people the news, I don't sell people video games."

So, the Toppler went to Ebay, where he found a copy of Call of Duty Black Ops. Call of Duty sucked, but the Toppler decided to grin and bear it, as he clicked order. He was quickly won the auction (£not-getting-beaten-up-by-the-Toppler is a very good price), and jumped to the seller's house. His name was Bootman Bill, and he claimed that the game was haunted and stuff. But the Toppler thought he was just an asshole trying to be edgy, and took the game home.

3 hours later, the Toppler was ordering a new TV to replace the one he had eaten out of frustration. The Toppler's suspicions about Bootman Bill were confirmed by all the references to Hiroshima and the fact that the game just ended abruptly. So, he went back to his house, kicking down the door. There stood Bootman Bill, on his phone, dialling the Toppler's phone number. The Toppler picked up. "Help!" cried Bootman Bill. "It's got me!" The Toppler looked into an imaginary camera, and punched Bootman Bill in the face, breaking every bone in his body, and killing him. The Toppler quickly ate Bill's body to hide the evidence, and went home.

Takaki (or whatever his stupid OC name is) vs The Toppler

The Toppler and Dave went off to Japan, because, let's face it, they were bored. I mean, they had jobs at Ofsted, but it was lame and it was half-term, so there was notw to do. So, The Toppler and Dave jumped upon a jet plane, and flew all that night through the rain. "Can't we just write a letter to Miyamoto to make a Mario/Zelda crossover game?" asked Dave, spilling peanuts all over his chest.

"There's loads of cool stuff to do in Japan, too, Dave! We're not just here for that!" replied the Toppler, hiding his list of good hentai comics.

A while later, they arrived at the B&B they were staying at (Wait, do they have B&Bs in Japan? Kidding; I don't care)... at 11pm. As they went to climb in the window stealthily, so as to not wake up the other guests, there was a swift shadow moving behind them. Suddenly, there was half a katana falling from above the Toppler's shoulder, and someone swearing in Japanese. The Toppler spun around oh-so-stylishly, to see an angry 15 year old boy holding the other half of the katana. "You broke my katana! I used that to kill my family!" He yelled.

"Is that something to be telling to the world?" asked Dave.

"It's been in my family for 15 generations!" yelled the boy, Takakii.

"Or, rather, 10 seconds, since that's how long it took them to die," said the Toppler, with an air of typical conversation. Then he grabbed Takaki's skull and crushed it.

"But I didn't even get to write my calling card with your blood!" groaned Takaki as he lay dying, despite the fact that he should've been dead already.

"I don't have blood," corrected Dave. "I'm a stuffed giraffe."

"Neither do I," replied the Toppler. "The amino acids made from Chuck Norris' flesh have been the only thing coursing through my veins since I ate him."

"Wait, you ate Chuck Norris?" cried Dave, shocked.

"Are we going to sneak into the B&B or not?"

BEN Drowned vs The Toppler

"Well, I thought that went rather well," said Dave to the Toppler, as they stepped out of Masahiro Sakurai's office.

"Mm," replied the Toppler. "But I wonder if anything relating to this will actually happen in this story."

As if the Toppler had recited a magic spell, a creepy Link statue appeared, though it looked slightly better than this sentence. "Behold!" cried the statue. "It is I, BEN- "

"Oh, that's not too bad," said Dave calmly.

"-Drowned." finished the statue.

"Oh." said the Toppler, disappointedly.

"Your rippling biceps are useless against me, for all the powers of crappy fanfic-" That was all BEN had time for before the Toppler kicked him in the chin. Gravel fell everywhere, as BEN's lower jaw disintegrated. "Aw ar a!" yelled BEN. Then, realising that he could no longer talk (the disintegrated jaw should've been a slight indicator), BEN produced a set of flash cards from GOD knows where. "How. Dare. You. Comma. You. Sons. Of. Bitches. Shall. Sweden.-"

"Sweden?" inquired Dave, puzzled.

"Sorry." spelled out BEN. "I. Meant. To. Say. Pay. Enter key. Now. Die." The Toppler lunged at him quickly, clotheslining BEN so hard that his head flew off into space. "Looks. Like. Team. Rocket. 'S. Blasting. Off. Again. Exclamation mark." spelled out BEN one last time.

"That was... odd," said Dave.

Turtleneck Girl vs The Toppler

Now at home after their trip to Japan, The Toppler and Dave spent their Saturday afternoon sitting around. "The whole BEN Drowned thing got me thinking," said Dave. "When we started discussing Zelda with Sakhari, a Link statue appeared after we'd finished talking about it."

"So, what you're saying is, if we talk about something relating to someone, they would appear and I could beat them up?" asked the Toppler.

"Indeed."

"I've got an idea," said the Toppler. Following this, they got into a lengthy discussion about the half-fox lover of Ticci-Toby, Voicebox. It lasted half an hour, and, when they were done, the door flew across the room like a bird who'd drank too much Red Bull. Dave grabbed the video camera, and the Toppler strode into the hall like John Wayne or something. "So, Voicebox!" cried the Toppler with the air of a 1960s comic book character. "We meet at-" He stopped upon seeing the figure in the door, hopping in pain because their leg was broken from kicking a door incredibly hardly.

"Who's Voicebox?" groaned the figure, with tears in her eyes. She was wearing the most badass top imaginable… a turtleneck with the neck rolled up to disguise the wearer. Nobody knew who she was, and nobody ever cared. She murdered people, and gave a scene genuine atmosphere until she actually appeared. Nothing out of the ordinary really. She wouldn't have been worth the Toppler's time if it weren't for the fact that she was on his property.

"You know what? Sod it," said the Toppler, grabbing her and chucking her into the open window of his neighbours, Thomas Simple and Valory, Valory Hudson. She was dead, but Thomas stabbed her 36 times regardless and made out with Valory, Valory Hudson because that's what they did. They were just like that.

A "Terrifying" Horde of Clown Nurses vs The Toppler

The day after his battle with whatsherface, the Toppler was in Detroit, toppling unused buildings with his rippling biceps. Dave was at home, TP-ing Thomas Simple's house for no particular reason. Anyway, the Toppler came to a building in which resided apparently nobody, but, hungry for change, he ate a couple 2ps and started to climb it like a jockstrap-wearing King Kong. However, looking in through the window, he discovered a bunch of kids being crucified. Diving through the window, he immediately shattered all the edge within, freeing and healing the kids miraculously. Stepping out of the room, he was confronted by a doctor… wearing clown make-up. He laughed as he punched the doctor in the face, driving the entire front of his skull into his brain, killing him. Suddenly, an alarm went off. Then, a small army of nurses… with clown make-up… charged after him, and dived on him. Except nobody smothers the Toppler, and they were all repelled off of him like he was Black Panther. Instead of doing something stupid, the Toppler took the kids to the cops, and then leapt back home.

Voicebox vs The Toppler

The next day, The Toppler and Dave were back home, drinking tea. Suddenly, their new front door flew across the room with a lot less style and grace than the last time the front door flew across the room. That was 3 days ago, in fact. As Iron Maiden's 'If Eternity Should Fail' began playing to signify the beginning of an epic conflict, the Toppler stepped into the hallway, where a figure with exaggerated heterochromia and a fox tail was standing in the doorway. "Voicebox!" cried the Toppler. "We were talking about you-"

"I guessed," interrupted Voicebox smugly. "My timing's just that good."

'-3 days ago," said the Toppler.

"Oh," replied Voicebox. "In my defense, the bus was delayed.See, there was a flat tyre, and-"

Before she could continue, the Toppler kicked her swiftly in the ribs. "Morning, Mum," she groaned, writhing in pain on the floor and possibly having a sort of flashback. Immediately, the Toppler elbow-dropped her on the face, squashing her extremely small brain, killing her. And, thus, the world was a much better place, thanks to the Toppler.


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