Uncharted 2 Cursed Copy
Hello there my name is Grosvenor McCaffery. I'm currently writing this from my cell on Riker's. I've been falsely charged with a crime I didn't commit. What was that crime I hear you not asking. Well the crime was the creation of a bootleg copy of Uncharted 2: Among Thieves. The copy in question is currently withheld by General R. Asquith and the US Government. How could one little bootleg cause so much fuss? Well here's the story. Get ready because this is quite a sad but heart-warming tale.
As you most of you aware if you're a PlayStation fan; Uncharted is a popular platformer game that was birthed on the Sony PlayStation 3 in 2007 with Drake's Fortune. In 2009, a sequel was released which was entitled; "Uncharted 2: Among Thieves." Uncharted 2 is considered by many including yours truly to be the highest point of the franchise. Even Kermit The Frog loves it. He plays it every night before having a cup of tea and a crumpet whilst watching Coronation Street. Uncharted 2 was originally released for the ps3 but along with Drake's Fortune and Drake's Deception was remastered for the ps4.
What's the story of Uncharted 2? Well go on YouTube and type in Uncharted 2 or look it up on Wikipedia. You lazy sausage roll. I bet you've been busy playing Xbox like some kind of John Marston. That's just sick. Sorry I don't me diss to Xbox as they've got Shrek on standby. So anyways; I've only got Uncharted 2 for the ps3 as I'm poorer than Vito Scaletta when his Villa got burnt down by the Irish Mob. Therefore I do not own a current gen console well not current for much longer anyway.
I first played the game when it first came out back in 2009 and loved it. I played it when the sun came down, wrote it when the sun came up, and even played it while a man and his son walked through the town where they a man getting garrotted by Salvatore Manetti. Anyways, after I moved to my new house in Los Angeles, Uncharted 2 as well as a lot of my games were sadly lost due to the moving van turning up missing. I bet it had something to do with Hamm Da Pig. Yeah that Hamm! That swine I'll drown him in olive oil! I ended up forgetting all about Uncharted 2. That was of course until the news of the remasters was leaked to the public. I decided that I would spark up some fond memories by replaying it.
I headed to my local CEX and asked if they had a copy. The manager who took two and a half hours just to get up from his chair said, "let me take a look in the back son." I took a brief walk around the store to glance at the various games on the shelves. One of those being Shrek 2 on Xbox. I needed that game. I went to pick it up but I somehow managed to restrain myself. Also, this really smelly kid was holding Xbox one games whilst eating Maltesers meaning he was getting chocolate all over the games. Oh that fat salmon sandwich!
I was called back to the front desk by the manager as he handed a copy of Uncharted 2 on ps3. "Are you sure you don't want the ps4 remaster son?" The manager asked as I responded with, "I don't own a ps4 so no." The man then proceeded to pull me right up his face as he began to whisper things into my ear. Here is what he said; "that copy of Uncharted 2 was edited by my son who works as a mechanic over in Bakersfield. He's added some sweet new things into the game which I'm sure you'll enjoy." "Oh thanks." I muttered as I paid the manager but running out of the store in three seconds flat. I raced down the streets to my house whilst getting chased by the neighbourhood kids who have it out for me because I eat baked beans cold. Yeah I don't give a damn.
Arriving at my house, I flopped down on my couch only to realise that I hadn't actually picked the game off from the counter after I had paid for it. "Oh for fucks sake!" I yelled at the very top of my lungs as I was then forced to run all the way back to CEX and pick my game up again. "Back again are we? I was just about to call you and tell you forgot your game." The manager said. "But I never gave you my number. So how..." I was cut off as the manager said, "hey since it's almost closing time, how's about we play some Uncharted 2 using the TV in the backroom. We use to check game discs and shit." The manager replied. Also, I should mention that he was eating toast when he was supposed to be working. Whatever, I decided to agree as I had nothing better to do with my time anyway.
The manager popped the disc into a nearby ps3 as the game started with the Naughty Dog logo. It then showed a logo which said, "Rap Rat Studios." While this logo was on screen, a male could be heard in saying in the background; "the TV the TV is on." He said it again and again in an overly serious tone. Suddenly, Rap Rat's face appeared on screen as he yelled, "Busted! Busted! I'm the talk of the town I'm history in the making." Suddenly the screen cut to the main menu which looked normal. I clicked New Game and chose Hard as my difficulty setting as I was feeling pretty confident in myself that day. Must have been from the subway which I had for breakfast.
The game started with Nathan Drake hanging on for dear life onto a train which was about to fall of a cliff like normal. I made Nate climb up the train as normal until we eventually reached the top. That's when the game cut to the scene where Nate meets up with Harry Flynn and Chole Frazer. Well at least that's what it was supposed to be. No Harry was replaced by Mr Pumpkin and Chole Frazer was General Asquith. "I'm very hungry!" Mr Pumpkin bellowed as Nate asked, "Harry Flynn? Hey! What are you doing here?" He was acting as if everything was completely normal. Anyways, Mr Pumpkin and General Asquith then proceeded to ask for Nate's help in stealing a box of PG Tips to which Nate responded with, "um.........."
The screen then cut to the part where Nate and Flynn broke into the Turkish Museum once again Flynn was replaced by Mr Pumpkin. "Come on Nate I need the jam." Mr Pumpkin said as he and Nate made their way through the museum killing every security guard along the way. This is where I should mention the controls. They were horrible. Nothing worked. Every time I made Nate jump the controller would shake uncontrollably at a violent rate. It was beginning to give my hands quite the nasty rash I must say. Also, Flynn or well Mr Pumpkin I guess never bothered to give Nate the tranquiliser guns to knock out the rest of the guards. Meaning I now had to complete the rest of the mission without using them. This made the mission even more frustrating but somehow I still managed to pull it off without a hitch.
During the scene where Nate gets betrayed by Flynn, Mr Pumpkin said, "that's terrible! I'm never coming back here." He then jumped through a window as the door behind Nate swung open. "Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me." A demonic voice could be heard singing as Shrek himself appeared in the doorway. "Oh crap!" Nate muttered as Shrek began dancing towards him whilst singing a demonic version of All Star. Nate tried his best to run away only to get grabbed by Shrek as the screen cut to black. Music played in the background which was a saxophone rendition of the Uncharted theme. Oh it sounded horrible! Kelpy G would not be proud!
The game came back to show Nate arriving in Borneo with Victor Sullivan. However, they were actually at McDonalds and Sullivan was replaced by James P Sullivan from Monsters Inc. "If I were a rich man with a million or two." Sully sang as Nate replied with, "I'd live in a penthouse with a room for a view." The two sang for two hours straight. I sat there amazed as the two continued to sing all through the night.
Suddenly the game cut to the part where Nate and Sully see Zoran Lazarevic for the first time. Lazarevic was having a right go at Mr Pumpkin for not finding anything in the last three months before getting interrupted by one of his soldiers. Lazarevic walked outside and he changed from being well Lazarevic to being Mr Potato from Toy Story. Lazarevic looked up to where Nate and Sully were hiding and yelled, "after them you uncultured swines!" The soldiers then proceeded to give chase to Nate and Sully who tried their best to escape. Mr Krabs' face then came on screen as he proclaimed, "ahoy me bucko!"
Without warning, the game then proceeded to cut to a really bizarre clip which had a kid talking to his father about extra strong mints for some strange reason. Very bizarre indeed I must say if you'd let me and I know you will friend. "Dad you know that we're an extra strong mint family?" The son asked. "Yes the very best in the world son." The father responded as the kid asked, "yes but what if they were other mints... that were chewy?" "Chewy..." The father said in a voice that was as cold as ice as he broke the wine glass he was holding into a million pieces. "Dad I love soft mints and they love me back in the way strong mints never could." The son explained. The Dad then turned out revealing his head to be made from strong mint as he screamed, "nooooooooooooooooooo!" "What the fuck was that!?" I asked while hitting the manager several times across the face with my controller. The manager then asked if he could play for a bit and I said, "fuck you."
After that weird clip ended, the game came back to show the part where Nate is climbing onto Lazarevic's train. Nate fell into one of the many carriages and saw that the conductor was busy punching tickets. "Tickets please." The conductor said to Nate who responded with, "uh I actually don't have my ticket sorry pal." "No ticket?" The conductor asked rhetorically before grabbing Nate by the neck and throwing him out of the carriage window. Nate ended up climbing into the carriage next door.
Sadly, the conductor was there too as he said, "in case you hadn't noticed tonight is Christmas Eve!" He then continued with, "now young Nathan... Christmas may not be important to some of us but it is very important to the rest of us!" The rude conductor then forced Nate to down several horrible cups of hot chocolate. "No more." Nate muttered as more and more waiters entered the carriage carrying cups upon cups of hot chocolate. "Oh for goodness sakes." Nate muttered as he continued drinking the hot chocolates despite his stomach protesting against it. The carriage eventually arrived in the Himalayas as Nate struggled to get off the train. He looked like the Doughnut Drake skin which can be equipped as a tweak in the game. "The thing about trains is it doesn't matter where they're going. What matters is deciding to get on." The conductor explained as really cheesy music began to play in the background. It was so cheesy in fact that it actually made me gag violently. I don't like cheese. How could you do this Naughty Dog?
Nate's stomach then began rumbling at an alarming rate. "Oh crap!" Nate cried as he exploded into a million bite size pieces. That's when Lazarevic who was no longer Mr Potato Head came on screen and said, "yeah that was my plan all along. Give Drake hot chocolate until he explodes from hot chocolate overdose." From that point on, I was playing the game as Lazarevic.
Somehow, Lazarevic made his way to Shambala and said, "ah smell that air! Smells like ass." He then turned to his right to see that Colonel Dodo had appeared. Lazarevic attempted to shoot Dodo only for him to say, "better try a new trick cause that one's getting old." Lazarevic and his soldiers fought their way through Shambala through the waves upon waves of Colonel Dodo's men who were trying to take credit for finding Shambala first. Even though they technically did find it first but whatever Colonel Dodo ain't exactly the brightest bird in the swimming pool. So I'm willing to give him a pass but the question is are you?
Lazarevic eventually reached the tree of life when he began drinking the sap from the tree. That's when he tuned super human like he does in the actual game. However this time there was no Nathan Drake who could put a stop to ole Zoran. Lazarevic did an evil laugh as the game then proceeded to cut to black. It then came back to show a montage of Lazarevic going around town and killing everyone in sight. He and his soldiers were able to take complete control of the world with their invisibility. Lazarevic then ate the Earth like a crisp as he said, "what's the time Mr Wolf ha ha!"
I grabbed the ps3 off the table and slammed it over the manager's head. That's when General Asquith and his soldiers came barging in. Asquith had his soldiers tackled me to the ground. "Hey what's the heck going on? He's the one you want not me." I pleaded as Asquith said, "not true dear Grosvenor for the manager here is my informant. He told me that you made the game and were planning to use it as a biological super weapon!" "How on the earth could a video game be used as a biological weapon?" I asked confused but it was no use as Asquith had me knocked out by his soldiers.
Afterwards I awoke chained to a wall in a cell over on Riker's Island. My cellmate is an incredibly fat man who wears bunny slippers. I reckon he stole those from Bugs Bunny. This however I will have to confirm using an inside source. I still kept some feelers out back home. When they find out the truth, I'll let you know but I doubt you even care. Do you?
So essentially General Asquith and the manager framed me for a crime that I did not even commit. I'm also pretty certain that Asquith has arranged for me to be given the death penitently. As last weekend, a preacher named Gabriel paid me a visit. He was incredibly helpful to me and my sins but then he learned about the Uncharted 2 bootleg. He then suddenly became cold and cagey. Trust me when I say there's no redemption for lost media makers. I'll be making some cups of tea as I wait for the executioner to ready the axe. That's what I'll do like some kind of clucking chicken.
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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