Uncharted 3 Cursed Copy
I'm not supposed to tell anyone this story. In fact, I have sworn to the military themselves that I would not tell anyone this story. I'm sorry but there's just no one on this Earth; I can keep this story to myself. It's just so shocking and so unbelievably smelly that I must share it with you. This story is all about a certain video game known as Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception. Man let me tell you just saying that game's name brings back happy memories of a time not so long ago and yet so very long ago. Uncharted 3 is the third instalment in the Uncharted series, and was released for the PlayStation 3 in 2011. It was later remastered for ps4 along with Uncharted 1 & 2. Now I've had a rather experience with a dodgy copy of Uncharted 2 which led to me getting placed into high security on the orders of General R. Asquith
General Asquith had arranged for me to be given the death pertly. but later learned from a contact that I was not responsible for creating the Uncharted 2 bootleg. In a reaction to this information, General Asquith set me free, and
ordered me to accompany him to the Tower of Chilly Charlie and Bappy Bob. The Tower of Chilly Charlie and Bappy Bob is a tower which was once ruled by two mighty cats known as Chilly Charlie and Bappy Bob. Sadly, both cats have long since passed away, and in doing so the tower has been converted into a research facility for all things related to lost media. Every time, a lost media project like the Uncharted 2 bootleg is released into the public; it is is brought to the tower to be investigated. The person in charge of the tower was none other than General Warren R. Monger or W.R Monger if you're feeling cheeky like Mr Cheeky. General Monger is the American counterpart of General Asquith, and the pair are arch rivals. They both have very conflicting views on how to handle a crisis involving lost media. General Asquith leads the British Military while W.R Monger leads the American Army which may have served to inspire some of the conflict between the two generals.
Anyways, General Asquith and I arrived at the tower of Chilly Charlie and Bappy Bob. The golden front door was opened for us by Major Thomas Blake. Major Blake was in charge of securing any lost media projects for General Monger. "Did we really need to bring this punk here Blakey?" General Asquith asked as we made our way inside the tower with Major Blake closing the door tight behind us. "We most certainly did Commander. We need the ear of a man in the know." Major Blake then turned to face me as he said, "you've already been subjected to a bootleg Uncharted game; and now we need to test this." Major Blake then held up a ps3 copy of Uncharted 3. The cover was completely normal, but the back oh man did it stink! It smelt like a rotten Shahab. Oh yeah I went there! "General Monger will want to speak with you." Major Blake said as we made our way upstairs towards the viewing room.
The viewing room lay on the very top of the tower, and had various pictures placed on the walls. The pictures included the finest people in history including Colonel Dodo, Richard Fatchurd, Boris Johnson, Rabe Maniels, Luca Brasi, and Mr Parks. At the very front of the viewing room sat a huge screen which was used to view any of the bootlegs which were brought to the tower. That's when General W.R Monger appeared on the scene as Major Blake stood by his side like some kind of butler who craves attention like a doctor once craved butter.
Ahem! General W.R Monger made his way over to me and said, "listen son we need your help! Turns out that stupid bastard Asquith was completely wrong in arresting you for making the Uncharted 2 bootleg." He then continued with, "according to our sources; the bootleg was created by a cocky cockroach who used to serve pints at the Purple Otter," "Listen I'd love to help... really I would but...." I was cut off as General W.R Monger had me held down by two of his soldiers. "I'm afraid I wasn't asking for your opinion Mr McCaffery. Now do as your told!" General Monger barked in his gruff voice as he forced General Asquith to light him a cigar. Also, I should mention that General Monger uses a jetpack to get around because he's too lazy to walk. How fucking lazy!
Major Blake then came back into the room, and placed a large wooden chair in the centre of the room for me to sit on. "Thanks." I said as I got handed a ps3 controller by one of Monger's soldiers. "This had better be good Asquith or else Mr Trump will be having words with you soon enough!" W.R Monger barked as he punched General Asquith in the stomach. It kind of reminded me of the time Big Smoke was tormented by Frank Tenpenny for not selling enough drugs. General Asquith was the lapdog and W.R Monger was the street peddler. The plot is getting juicy! Anyways, Major Blake meanwhile busied himself by popping the disc of Uncharted 3 into a nearby PlayStation 3 which sat on top of a large brown and down right smelly table.
The game started with the usual Naughty Dog logo, and then it cut to show the main menu. It looked wrong. The desert sand was red which made me vomit all over Major Blake's bold head which disgusted Asquith but made Monger pulled a smug face. So smug in fact that it made me vomit again. "Oh for fuck's sake keep it in will you!?" W.R Monger barked angrily at the top of his lungs as one of his soldiers shoved a kebab into my mouth. Anyways, I clicked on New Game, and the difficulties were Very Easy, Normal, Hard, Crushing, and Beans On Toast. Okay this is getting weird. So I decided to click on the Beans On Toast option. Oh what a big mistake that was let me tell ya!
The game started with Nathan Drake and Victor Sullivan meeting with a man named Talbot in a bar as normal. That's when Charlie Cutter appeared on the scene, and put a large steel briefcase onto a table in front of Nate and Sully. He opened the case up only to learn that it was filled with very pissed off bees. The bees were incredibly angry, and swarmed around Nate and Sully. Talbot meanwhile stole the briefcase and danced away outside. Cutter meanwhile was trying his best to catch the bees, but they ended up lifting him high into the sky. "Uh what?" Cutter asked as the bees ended up flying him high up into the evening sky. "Why did it have to be bees!?" Sully cried as the bees stung him all over his grey moustache.
The game then did a cut to the part where Nate, Sully, and Cutter are breaking into the London Underground. While there, Nate and Sully were shown still pulling out their stings. The trio then made their way inside the Tunnels all the while spicy music began to play in the background. Arriving in Katherine Marlow's underground museum, Nate and Sully were still pulling fucking bee stingers off their bodies when Cutter pulled a wickedly wicked smirk. Marlowe then appeared on the scene to chew out Talbot for trusting Cutter as normal. After Marlowe departed the scene, the trio made their way into the Museum. At the Museum, Nate and Sully found the wheel of fortune which lead them to the direction of Iram of the Pillars. While doing this, some of Marlowe's agents came into the room and upon seeing Nate and Sully cried; "oh my wickers someone call the boss!" Nate, Sully, and Cutter were forced to shoot their way through the London Underground Tunnels before they even had a chance to find out about the Golden Hind.
Outside the Museum, the trio fought their way through upon waves of Marlowe's agents in normal. However, while running down the train tracks, Nate heard loud noises coming from behind him. "Oh buggering buggerton." Nate muttered as he turned around to see none other than Thomas the Tank Engine coming towards him. "Come on come on!" Talbot cried who was driving Thomas. "Trains why did it have to be trains?" Nate asked as Thomas chased him and the others through the London Underground. Cutter and Sully were both crushed by Thomas, but Nate managed to escape, and made his way deeper into the Underground. Suddenly, Thomas grew big hairy legs, and began running towards Nate in a very awkward kind of way. It looked like Thomas really needed to take a shit. "Oh!" Thomas yelled at the top of his lungs as he ended up crashing into another train which was carrying loads of fruit. The smashed fruit ended up getting all over Thomas' face as loud farting noises could be heard playing in the background on a constant loop.
The chapter ended with Nate, Sully, Cutter, and Chole Frazer drinking cups of tea and Bisk In Cutter's apartment as normal. That's when Cutter let out a massive fart which smelt so bad you could actually smell it through the television screen. I guess that General W.R Monger and Asquith had installed in Smellivision. Haven't you? "Oh good lord!" Chole cried at the top of her lungs while Sully chomped on a smelly cigar appranately not fazed whatsoever by the foul stench. "Let's do it!" Cutter proclaimed happily while giving Nate a friendly punch on the arm. Sadly, Cutter ended up punching Nate too hard and it caused his arm to fall off. "Oh!" Nate cried as he fell onto the floor in pain. Poor Bob the Tomato!
The game then cut to show Nate and Sully arriving in France in order to find the first half of an amulet which led them to the Iram of the Pillars. Now this mission was completely normal. The only thing I can really say about it is that Nate and Sully didn't talk for the entre chapter, and all the puzzles had already been solved. Not that I minded away. I hate puzzles! I guess you could call me a puzzle hater? Anyways, Nate and Sully eventually recovered the amulet only to get confronted outside the crypt by Talbot and his right-hand man Harris. "Nice work gentlemen." Talbot said before continuing with, "Harris please relieve Mr Drake of the artefact."
So, Harris grabbed the amulet from Nate's hands, and began making his way back over to Talbot when a faint singing noise could be heard coming from the walls besides Harris. "What is that?" Harris asked as a fat and downright ugly mole climbed out from the walls. "You're so yum yum yum yummy yummy fat fat fat fat!" The mole sang as it leaped on top of Harris who begged for Dallas Coleman to save him or at least get him a bag of cheese and onion crisps. "Well I'm not really qualified Harris." Dallas Coleman said as he began rubbing the back of his head while pulling an incredibly wicked Dallas Coleman smirk. The kind of smirk that only a mother could love. So Harris was killed by the mole who then forced Nate and Sully to sing sea shanties with it. Thankfully however, the game cut to black before Moley could continue singing. After 150 seconds, the game came back to show Nate and Sully arriving in Syria in search for the other half of the amulet.
In Syria, Nate and Sully reunited with Cutter and Chole as the group then made their way inside a large castle as normal. While in the castle, Nate was not thrown out of the window by one of Marlowe's agents as normal. No instead, Willie The Giant appeared on the scene, and began shaking the castle violently up and down as if it was a salt shaker or some shit. "I still want my fucking chicken back Donald Duck!?" Willie yelled angrily as he bit into the castle which caused Nate and the others to fall down into the deep dark abyss. Nate looked at the screen and remarked, "it's been one of those days!" The group fell for what seemed like hours when in reality it was only 15 seconds. The best 15 seconds of my entire life! Yes I'm quite pathetic.
Afterwards, Talbot and his agents confronted Nate and the others on the edge of the castle. "We appear to be even matched." Talbot joked when all of the sudden the fat smelly mole appeared on the scene again. "You're so yummy yummy fat fat fat!" The mole sang in it's nasty voice as it began cradling Talbot while Nate and the others looked on in amazement. "Mate that mole has got one fine pair of lungs!" Cutter remarked as the game then cut to the group getting onto a bus in order to escape the pursuit of Marlowe's agents. On the bus, the group were dismayed to learn that it was being driven by none other than Richard Richards the most insane bus this side of Scotland. Even though they weren't in Scotland in this chapter they were in Syria. What the fricking fuck!? "Thomas the tank engine Thomas the tank engine! He's got yellow eyes he's got custard eyes! Custard eyes!" Richards sang as he took the group for the drive of their lives.
Nate and Sully then plotted with Cutter and Chole to take control of the bus. Sadly, Richards was far too quick for them, and slammed his foot down on the pedals causing the group to fall back into their seats. "It's just not worth it Nate. Let this one go." Chole said as Nate responded with, "will do." He then let out an incredibly massive fart which caused Richards to lose control of the bus for some reason. The bus ended up spinning uncontrollably before crashing into a ditch in the outskirts of Syria where a green man once mourned the loss of his best friend who was a massive shoe. Ahem! Sorry for that massive tangent. I mean what's next a washing machine in a car? For Empire Central Radio this is Rocking Ricky Foxx.
Look at me making fun of Richards for being insane when I'm just as bad. Maybe I'm the real arsehole in this story. Whatever, the game then did a massive time skip to Nate arriving on Rameses' ship. After coming to, Nate was dismayed to learn that this ship was ran by none other than Gordon Ramsey himself. "Get out! Upstairs right now!" Gordon Ramsey yelled at the top of his lungs as Nate was forced to head into the kitchen to make Gordon something to eat. "You fucking donkey!" Gordon Ramsey yelled as Nate tried his best to cook up some eggs on toast. "It looks like my arsehole on a Saturday night!" Gordon yelled as he picked the greasy egg up before flinging it at Nate's face.
While Nate tried his best to cook something for Ramsey to eat for dinner; Gordon Ramsey retired to his trailer and made himself a cup of coffee. He then learned that somehow the door had locked itself from the outside. "Hello?" Gordon asked as two incredibly smelly janitors had appeared on the scene to help Chef Ramsey escape. "I have an axe! Do not be scared Senior Rameses." One of the janitors said as he began chopping away at the trailer door with an axe. The janitor was an incredibly powerful man but it took him many swings to achieve his purpose. Gordon Ramsey meanwhile busied himself by playing Shrek 2 on Xbox. He's got some good taste.
After this, the game went back to normality for the most part. Nate arrived back in Yemen where he reunited with his estranged wife Elena Fisher. With Elaine's help, Nate was able to climb onto a plane which was planning to drop supplies to Marlow and her agents who were riding via convoy into the Rub Al Khali desert. On the plane, Nate got into a lengthy fist fight with some of Marlowe's agents as normal. However, Nate didn't bother climbing out of the plane, and instead stayed with the plane as it plummeted towards the desert below. Crashing in the desert, Nate came out from underneath the wreckage appranately not harmed nor fazed whatsoever by the plane crash. He picked a bag of chips out from the wreckage, and began sniffing it like some kind of Mr Bean.
Nate began making his way through the Rub Al Khali Desert. Once again the sand was red. I was about to vomit, but Major Blake had held my mouth with a pair of clippers. "Don't even think about it little buddy!" General Monger yelled before continuing with, "just focus on the fucking game!" Wow that army general certainly has a potty mouth doesn't he? How unbelievably fucking rude. While walking through the desert, Nate ended up collapsing when he saw none other than Colonel Dodo waving at him from a nearby hill. "Over here my boy! Over here my boy!" Colonel Dodo proclaimed as he gestured for Nate to follow him. Nate came up to where Colonel Dodo, and was dismayed to learn that he wasn't in the Rub Al Khali Desert. No instead he had crash landed in Washington Beach located in Vice City. Turns out Nate was wrong; the Iram of the Pillars was actually held in Vice City not Yemen. Oh wistfully bliss!
Nate and Colonel Dodo then had themselves a lovely BBQ. Meanwhile, Marlowe and Talbot discovered the Atlantis of the Sands. However, that's when they learned that there was no treasure only sand. The pair were then stomped on and killed by Willie The Giant who proclaimed, "I came to dinner once." And with that, the game came to show Sully just chilling on a sun lounger drinking a glass of wine. "Ah this reminds of me a time after time." Sully remarked as he drank the wine down while Nate and Dodo made some burgers on a grill in the background. The game then cut to black as the PlayStation 3 began making horrifying noises. "What the fuck is going on!?" General W.R Monger yelled as he began shooting at the console with his shotgun.
Suddenly, a large blue goo began coming out from the back of the console. It fell onto the floor in a big mess. "Ay what!?" I asked when all of the sudden the goop grew a large eyeball and a mouth. The goop then formed into one big blob. "Wow what's shaking General Monger?" The blob asked before introducing himself as Bob. "Under the jurisdiction of the emergency protocols: I authorise you to execute this blob!" General Asquith commanded as the soldiers all began firing bullets at Bob but they had no effect. Bob then began eating up some of the soldiers who were digested and dissolved in Bob's body. The gross thing is because Bob is see through you could actually see the people as they got digested in 10 seconds flat. Major Blake then attempted to reason with Bob by saying, "these men were innocent! Surly even your kind have articles of war." "What?" Bob asked as he ate Major Blake up in one big bite. "Blakey!" General Asquith cried as he sunk to his knees. "Uh can I go home now?" I asked as General W.R Monger yelled, "fuck no! I need your help in sending this son of bitch to justice!"
General Asquith and Monger then made their way outside towards a local telephone booth in order to request for Great Britain to be placed under martial law until Bob is brought downtown. I'm taking it downtown! Anyways, Bob then said to me; "I may not have a brain friend but I have an idea!" He then proceeded to look at me with an incredibly weird face for a good twenty minutes. After he was doing staring, Bob then told me that I should just erase my data
and file from the tower's database. With Bob's help, I was able to hack onto the tower's database, and erased any evidence of me getting the two Uncharted bootlegs. I then asked Bob about the cockroach that made the two games. "Oh he's off on holiday in Gran Canaria with his lover Salmon Lips." Bob explained. "Okay." I said like some kind of Jimmy De Santa as I began making my way out of the tower. Bob meanwhile floated down the sewers as he said, "I could really to do with some jelly!"
I'm happy to report that everything turned out just fine. I was able to return to my normal life. Meanwhile, President Trump and Boris Johnson disgraced with how Bob had disappeared; forced General Asquith and General Monger to do some street work. Last I heard, the pair were sweeping the roads up in Bazooka City. Ever been there? Oh believe me when I say you don't want to! It's so bad it's so bad! "Clean it properly!" Monger yelled as he began angrily hitting General Asquith over the head with his broomstick. I meanwhile went back into writing, and managed to write a very successful novel called; "a boy and his nose." It is currently the most successful book ever to be published in Greendale. Also last I heard, Bob had headed to Gran Canaria to hang out with Cockroach and his weird monkey lizard hybrid of a part-time lover.
I'll be honest; that Uncharted 3 bootleg was not quite as bad as the Uncharted 2 one. However, I still found it to be very smelly and downright squidy in some areas. I must admit I do wonder if the Cockroach had made bootlegs of the other Uncharted games or any other video games for that matter. Hmm. I've got to go dear friends for I've got saving to do! I need the ear of a man in the known. I need... I need.... I need James P. Sullivan!
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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