Wabbit Season
Elmer Fudd walks into the bar, Porky's, and in front of him is a seedy group of individuals and dim lights. Tonight, at the bar, the band WC and the Roadrunners is playing, and in front of him, Porky the bartender, and Bugs, the sleaziest individual you can ever meet. But Fudd's after answers, so he walks over to speak to this lowlife, this bottom-of-the-barrel individual.
"Didn't expect to see you hewe." said Elmer.
"Didn't expect to be here," replied the rabbit, "think I took a wrong turn at Albuquerque."
"You seem to be taking a lot of wong turns at Albuquewque."
"Fudd, you ever been to Albuquerque?"
"Nope."
And as Elmer takes a seat at the bar, Bugs tells him, "Me either." Bugs looks at him, "You're here to kill me."
"It's a baw, I'm hewe to dwink, and kill you."
"What if I say I didn't do it?"
"Well, did you do it Bugs?"
"Sure I did, but what if I say I didn't?"
Both gentlemen sit there while Bugs enjoys his last snack, and Fudd enjoys his drink. And while they sit there, the rest of the bar continues onward. Tweety the snitch says that he was telling someone that he did, he did, he sees the putty tat. Wily Coyote and Foghorn Leghorn were playing cards, and Marvin the Martian was talking about blowing everything up, and when Bugs' last carrot was gone, he turns to Fudd. "I got a trade, someone paid me to pull the trigger, I'll get you that name, maybe it's worth my life."
"Well, what's the name?"
Bugs gestures to the hunter as he leans in close, Fudd does the same as he lends an ear, "Yosemite Sam paid for it."
Elmer's gaze tightens up as he thought about it, Yosemite Sam, a name he remembers quite well. The bandit that was let go from prison after serving two years for multiple accounts of robbery and domestic violence. "Yosemite Sam... That no good, yellow-bellied scoundwel." He stood up and walked out.
And as he left, Bugs looks at Sylvester, a member of Spike's gang, and tells him, "Ain't I a stinker?" Sylvester simply smirks and continues to drink his bottle of Jim Beam as he goes over some plans with Tom, another feline mobster.
Tom was, indeed, a high-strung whiner who always seemed ready to have a nervous breakdown, and had the brains to run the business but lacked the balls, always falling short. Jerry, however, he was another story. He's a highly brutal and sadistic mouse who enjoys torturing his victims with whatever he can get his rodent hands on. He seems to have no remorse for beating them to death. He's kind of Spike's little torturer, using him for interrogations and what not.
As Elmer drove off, he thought about how he got here, his girl, Silver St. Cloud. She was the love of his life, but she always told Elmer that there was someone else, someone rich, famous, rather vexing... Yosemite Sam. Seems that Yosemite has gone straight, living the American dream. Elmer can do nothing but think about what he'll do to the little fucker who stole his future wife away from him. His eyes narrowed as he glanced at the night in front of his windshield, it seems that the midnight sirens were beckoning him to stay a little while longer, enjoy the peace and tranquility as the stars above shone like fireflies.
Elmer arrived at Yosemite Sam's newfound custom condo only to be confronted by Gossamer. The orange monster said he now serves as a security guard for the newly rehabilitated bandit, while Barnyard Dawg now works as a driver for some of the rich and famous as he brought them to Yosemite Sam's parties. Elmer cunningly told Gossamer that his ex-wife forgot her phone in one of the rooms and told him on her friend's phone to fetch it for her. It was that simple, in he walked, and in the center of the room stood Fudd's target. So, without hesitation, he pulls out his shotgun before one of the partiers pointed this out, allowing everyone to frantically ducking and hiding from the gunman.
Elmer sees this, puts his finger on his lips, and shushes everyone, who openly abides to his wishes. With his hand cuffed over his mouth, he speaks his trademark quote, but with a ghastly twist...
"Be vewy, vewy quiet, I'm hunting bandits."
And BOOM! Yosemite Sam hits the ground and Elmer fled, he hopped in his car and he drove off into the night. Elmer Fudd was a hired killer who gave it all up for his "Little Cloud", at least, that's what he told her. And after she had found out that he was still killing, he told her the next would be his last. It appears that she wanted Elmer back after the many nights with Yosemite Sam, clearly he can get rough sometimes when it came to his history of foul play. Elmer took her to his house, patched her up, and vowed to stay by her side as soon as he can, even though his nights out on town can vary due to how he'll put his victims in body bags. She wasn't proud of what he does, but at least she can rest easy now knowing that her ex-husband had finally gotten the bastard. How Elmer found out about this was a riddle she didn't think anyone can solve.
But when Elmer returned home from his "job" one night, her blood was all over the ground, and there was a carrot in it, not even a body left behind for him to mourn. His fists balled up as he glances out the now open window, his eyebrows furrowed ever further, his teeth gritted as a thought came to mind, Wabbit Season.
Elmer knew that word all too well, he can easily roll it on the tip of his tongue. It was a word that came to his mind whenever he sees hunters shooting animals on the Geographic's Channel, it simply became his swan song due to him being a hunter once. But, he can never get that one rabbit he always wanted to shoot, skin, and eat in a recipe for Rabbit Stew. Of course, he killed numerous animals as fair game, but, this one had proven to be quite the challenge for the now retired hunter. It had haunted him for years, and he knew in his mind that the only way to end his never-ending insanity was to become a hired hitman. This is why he took up the job, this is why he does the thing that he does, to conquer his failure as a hunter of animals and become a successful killer of men.
Suddenly, as Elmer became detached from reality a bit, he was pulled back into the real world when he heard a knock on the door. He grabbed his shotgun and he walked over to it, and found no one there. That was because Duck Dodgers (a.k.a. Daffy Duck) was standing behind him. So Elmer placed the shotgun on his shoulder to relax, and he took the shot. Dodgers ducked and dodged but Elmer hit him across the face and Dodgers went in for the sweep. Then after another shot went off, Dodgers hit the ground, but he was playing possum and he kicked Elmer in the head. Both men stood there looking at each other and they both starting to swing again, until finally, Elmer said something, "He desewved it, Yosemite Sam, he desewved to die! But now that wascally wabbit took my Silvew St. Cloud!"
This caused Dodgers to pause, he knew Silver St. Cloud was a girl Fudd had fell in love with, but got ensnared in the abusive grip of Yosemite Sam. What does this hired killer know of her? "P-h-p-ilver P-h-p-aint Cloud?" Dodgers asked questioningly, "What doe-p-h-p p-h-p-e know about Yo-p-h-p-emite P-h-p-am?"
Fudd tells him, "Bugs knew she loves Yosemite Sam, and he loves hew, and when he found out that she was in love with me, he killed hew! So I'm gonna kill him, once and fow all!"
Dodgers' scowl gets tightened as he thinks about it. Elmer explains that Bugs ratted out Yosemite, which resulted in him getting killed by Elmer, meaning that Bugs wanted Elmer to gun him down since he was now exposed to any enemy attacks. And once Bugs is in the clear, he would have Silver St. Cloud all to himself. So they decided to team up and go to Porky's to get answers.
Elmer looks at him, "This is a hawd place for hawd men, they don't take kindly to youw pwesence."
"Good."
Dodgers kicks open the door to the bar to find a very colorful assortment of characters. Wiley Coyote walks up to the duck, "Look, fella, we ain't got no vomit policy here at Porky's, and as far as I know, a duck ain't nothing but a vomit." So Dodgers punches him in the face.
Foghorn runs in, "I say I say I say-" and Dodgers knocks him out.
"You p-h-p-h-ay what?"
Sylvester leaps in chattering, "P-h-p-uffering P-h-p-uccotash!" But Elmer hits him in the nuts, dropping him.
"By the way," Elmer says to the cat, "thanks fow helping me mow my lawn and paint the house."
"No problem..." Sylvester groans, and with that, Elmer gives him a tip by flipping a silver dollar coin on his back.
Here, they break Tweety's hand, crush Marvin's head, and almost killed Speedy Gonzales, until the only ones left were Duck Dodges, Elmer Fudd, and Bugs Bunny. They grab Bugs, demanding to know why he did it, why did he kill Silver St. Cloud. The answer was simple as a female cat tells them, he did it because she asked him to. Everyone was in shock as Rita the Cat sits across them with Runt, her muscle-bound boyfriend. She explained that she knew Silver St. Cloud was after both Elmer and Yosemite Sam's insurance, and once they're good and dead, she can collect the insurance money. She wanted to kill Elmer, but she didn't want to do it right away, she wanted to wait for the right time and the right place. Rita described Silver St. Cloud as a "gold digger" and a "venomous viper" that has poisoned both men into doing her bidding.
"But, what about the bwuises on hew body, she said Yosemite Sam-"
"Oh, she did that herself," Rita explained, "who knew a couple of makeup effects would actually be useful."
Elmer's eyes grew wide as Rita continued, "She discovered that every night Yosemite Sam became... a bit, dangerous, so she found her little fuddy-duddy, safe and secure. Of course, that was before Yosemite Sam was arrested and sentenced to two years in prison, But, he was released ten weeks later and had been doing good while on parole. He even got himself a custom made condo and a million dollars after winning the lottery."
Elmer told her that he was also dangerous, which made Rita crack a smile. "I know you are, but what am I?" Elmer looked at the ground, not knowing what to do or say, obviously in a loss for words.
Rita continued, "When Bugs asked me what to do with ol' fuddy-duddy, I told him to never lay a finger on him, but remind him that him and I are doing him a favor. You and Yosemite Sam were much in common, you know? Both of you use guns, so Silver St. Cloud wanted to use a gun of her own, and shoot both of you for her own greedy purposes. But, the only weapon she used, was a couple of crocodile tears. But, that didn't get her anywhere, now did it?"
Duck Dodgers asks, "And now?" and as she shuts the door.
"And now, I leave, and you stay. After all, you are paying for those drinks, are you?"
Elmer takes a seat at the bar next to Bugs and asks for carrot cheese from Porky, and Dodgers tells Porky, "Make it three."
Porky pulls out the bottle, "Everybody's d-d-d-d-drinking carrot juice today! We're gonna run out f-f-f-f-f-faster th-th-th-th-th-quick!"
With the last drop hitting the empty glasses, he turns to the men.
"That's all, folks."
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Credited to TheDarkCat97
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