Walker: Texas Ranger Lost Episode
When Leslie, a totally unisex name, arrived at the airport he saw something unfamiliar. It was his pet cat in the baggage return. He went to go pull his cat, Fifi, out and was successful. Yet, there was still two problems. He didn't have a pet cat, and his luggage passed already. What the heck was going on!? However she did have a dog named Fifi. Perhaps by some Black magic (totally not racist) his dog was turned into a cat. He knew he shouldn't have broken up with that witch, but he never believed in crazy-voodoo-creepaloo magic. Oh well, he didn't care for Fifi anyway so what did she care? So he tied Fifi up to a string and threw him into the baggage return again to retrieve his luggage that just passed. The cat retrieved the luggage but when Leslie went to pull out the cat it's anus got stuck. "Just forget it!" he/she said. He walked away, without her luggage, leaving the cat behind. Getting into the taxi, he tells the driver "anywhere but here". So, he takes her to Canada.
While on the road to Canada, she sees a quarter on the road and opens the door and combat rolls out. He picks up the quarter and dusts it off. Then she gets out of the road. Leslie sees a sign that says Texas. He sighs because he doesn't want to pay his taxes. She goes to a saloon and sits down. Orders a tall glass of milk and thinks about what just happened. She wondered why she dove out of the taxi for that quarter. Maybe it was because she was poor. No, that couldn't be right she is affluent. Then he thinks to himself maybe it is because I am Jewish. "Nah, that can't be it! I pray to the ogrelord every night, no synagogue would ever accept me" he thinks to herself. Taking a big gulp, he slams down her glass and shouts "ANOTHER!!". To which the bartender quickly replies " There is no more, cause you drank it all!". "Drank it all?!" she screams defensively. "We only had one cup!" "Then what the hell did i just drink!? i had like two gallons of that!". "Oh No!" he exclaims, "You drunk my whale semen lamp." He then in confusion screams out "That tasted great." She asks the bartender where she can get more whale semen. He tells the unisex human that she can go to the dock and ask the saltiest of the seamen, Aaron, for his finest semen. She accepts the challenge and marches out of the saloon and whistles for another taxi.
As she rides in a taxi from Dallas to Corpus Christi, he thinks of what this salty seaman will look like and how to find him. She thinks about asking around but she thinks that asking people about the saltiest seaman isn't a good idea. Then she thinks of just looking for him but that would make too much sense so she decides against it. She decides to lick every seaman he sees. After licking many seamen she finally decides to just sit in one place and wait for him to come to her. A guy smelling of oysters walks up to him and asks "Want to buy some lobsters?" She stands up and licks the man's forehead. It is the saltiest one he has licked yet. So she asks the man, " Are you the saltiest seaman?" He replies, "Yes, what can I get you?" The unisex named human jumps around in excitement. She yells, "Can I have your finest semen?" The man looks down at his crotch. She nods her head from side to side and exclaims, "No! Whale semen." Aaron looks down with disappointment. "50 bucks a bottle" he says sadly. "50 bucks!?!" she exclaims. Aaron then gives an in-depth, disturbingly detailed, story of why it cost $50 a bottle. Leslie almost throws up, then hands him 10 $100 bills. She takes her bottles of "milk" and goes back to Dallas. He has a hard time explaining to the cab driver what it is that is in the bottles, so she doesn't even try.
Once she's back in Dallas, she instantly consumes (i mean DOWNS) the semen. "Well shit! now I'm out!". So she goes back home, depressed over the loss of his now favorite drink. Oh well, at least he had wine.....and vodka......and beer, and taquilla, and cocktails. But she was not an alcoholic. NOT an alcoholic. While she was at the bar, she met a man named Walker, The Texas Ranger. This is the only time That Chuck Norris will make an appearance..... EVAR!...so in hinds site the title makes no sense, but oh you see Chuck was the whale all along. But once again NO role after this. he just appeared out of nowhere, then left. But just because Chuck was there we got all the royalties HAHAHAHA! (sorry, back to the plot) So anyways as she sat there, a figure approached him..... It was Nicholas Cage. He suddenly yelled out of nowhere like he always does, "SO HOW YA DOIN' TONIGHT!?" It startled her so badly that he suddenly jumped up and slapped Cage. Caeg, rubbing his face, asked why. He replied that he shouldn't have scared her. As Cage stands back up he speaks with his voice smooth as butter, "I have come to collect you." It is at this point that Nicohlas Caeg Truns into a Tranformer. This is where the REAL story begins. Yeah that's right nothing before dis matta'd cause i sayed so. Nicolas Cage Shoves Leslie into is "Fuel Pipe" and runs for the hills. Leslie asks Cage what this yellow liquid is as he drinking it. Nicholas Prime stops in fright sayin that was my favourite oil that doesnt exist anymore. "Cut That Out! we need to focus on the main threat!" "Which is?" Leslie replies. "The Illuminarti" The words echoed in her head. There's no way that the illuminarti could have known where he is. "Since you escaped them last, they have recruited four new members. Gary "MotherFucking" Oak,
John Cena,
Donald Trump, and The Flash." Leslie gasped, "But, how will we ever win!?" Optimus Cage stops and looks down at him. "Because we have Bill Nye and 11th Doctor with Doritos." Leslie smiled, he knew that as long as Bill and The Doctor were with them they had a chance. "But I'm sure you haven't forgotten the original members of the illuminarti..." Cage reminds him. "Yeah,.... even with them it will be tough to beat Snoop and Bill Cipher" Caeg just nods then continues running toward the sunset. Meanwhile at Dr. Weird's Secret Lair, South Jersey Shore.... "Gentlemen! Behold!" says Dr. Weird. A garage door raises to reveal a large gren Pyramid, with Snoop, Bill, and Gary sitting atop it. "So, Caeg has found Leslie... this might be bad.." Says Bill. "But it's not like he.... er she?.... it?..... i dont know! fuck it! anyways, it's not like it matters. He she has almost no power yet." Says John Cena, walking up to the pyramid. John Tosses Snoop a weed-flavored Mountan Derw. "Thanks my homie... for rizzle" replies Snoop. "Well just incase it all goes down, I'm here and they don't know yet...." A voice is heard in the distance. Finally, Cage got to 2-fort.
He let Leslie out. "Thanks but couldn't you have transformed into a car and I ride inside?" Leslie asks. "Well, I don't transform into a car, I turn into a Nicholas Cage." Replies Optimus. "But I thought that you could only turn into machi-" "Oh look! Bill Nye!" Caeg cuts off Leslie. "bu....." Leslie doesn't bother trying to finish. Along with Bill, The doctor also walks out. "We believe with our collective smartiness, we have figured oot hw two beet teh Illuminarti." Bill Nye says. "Why is he speaking like a 15 year-old types?" Leslie asks. "No one really knows." replies the Doctor. " Anyways," Bill Continues, "if we use this special P.E.N.I.S. Lazer we can defeat the Illuminarti!" Bill exclaims. "Penis Lazer?"
Leslie asks. "Yes, Particle Expelling Neutral Inhibiting Special Lazer. It only takes 6 episodes to charge too!" Bill says. "Somehow, I don't think that was an acronym..." Leslie says under her breathe. "And why are we measuring time in episodes? what even is an episode, 30 minutes?" Leslie asks. "uh, actually, an episode is a period of about five minutes, just repeating itself over and over." The doctor replies. "So, thirty minute charge time?" "No. 6 weeks actually." Bill says. "But that makes no sense!" Says Leslie. "Then you obviously have never seen DB-Z." Replies Bill. "Well we should get ready to attack as soo-" Bill is interrupted. "And then, the fire nation attacked" Says the announcer from Bill Nye. (BTW Totally not foreshadowing er anyting) "What the hell are you talking about!?" Screams Leslie for some reason. "Enough talk!" a voice is heard from behind the P.E.N.I.S. lazer. "GASP! I-It's Zuko! Outcast of the fire nation! Th-" Leslie is cut off when Zuko slaps him. "OK! We get it! we all know who I am!"
"Damnit! how did you know this was going to happen!?" Bill screams at the sky. "Really? all these years and your still a dumbass.." says the announcer. "*You're" replies Bill. "ENOUGH! FOR GOD'S SAKE!" screams Zuko, "We attack at dawn..." "Why would you help us?" Asks the timelord. "Because...... I fucking hate Bill Cipher...... he made fun of the burn on my faec." Skip forward to daytime because evryone is boring af and didnt do anything interesting all night. "How will you even find the base?" asks the announcer. "Thanks to Google we can just use maps..... Google maps..... because y'know.... that exists...... there are other things than GPS people!..... sorry lost it there..." Zuko says awkwardly then just starts googling 'Illuminarti Secret Base'. "Find anything?" "No. There are so many goddamn companies called 'Illuminarti Secret Base' I can't find the damn thing" Everyone just sighs at the stupidity of Google maps. inside they were all saying "Shoulda used gps". "AH! Found it! It's on....... the.. southern... New Jersey.... Shore......" the entire team sighs again having terrible flashbacks of watching Jersey Shore. "Let's just go..." says Bill, with a sigh. For three days Leslie, Bill Nye, The 11th Doctor, and Zuko trudged across the country, bringing the P.E.N.I.S. Lazer with them. They didn't take a plane because Leslie had bad memories of Fluffy. Not losing her, OWNING her. "Now when we get there, you have to promise not to laugh when we fire the lazer." Says Bill. "Why would we?" asks Leslie. "Well, I'm sure you remember that old meme..." "Which one? There were millions." "The... the Shoop-Da-Whoop." "Oh my god, no way! That's so cool!" After traveling for forty-billion-trillion-hundred milliseconds, they finally reach the southern New Jersey shore. Sadly, only to find a wanna-be talking milkshake, floating talking french-fries, and a seemingly retarded talking meatball. After asking them which way to the illuminarti secret base was, they were on their way. "STOP RIGHT THERE" a voice booms as they approach the base. "DON'T COME ANY CLOSER! OR ELSE!" A figure steps out of the shadows.... "It's Shia Labeouf!" Leslie finishes my sentence. "B-But i thought you were a good guy! You inspired so many people!" shouts Optimus Caeg. Shia let's forth a mighty "JUST DO IT!" and shakes the ground. "Ok guys! strategy tiem! We need to taek out that sexy cannibal Shia!" suggests Leslie. But as they begin there strangely uninterrupted strategy meeting, the rest of the members of the illuminarti came into view. "Man, what's with all the noise? I was trying to get my beauty sleep" complains Gary. "I don't know, but I bet it's the mexicans' fault!" replies Trump. "I don't care who's fault it is! I wanna R-KO 'em!" Cena interjects. "Y'all need to chill out, for rizzle." Snoop says. "I wanna take their souls!" says bill cy- "DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE AN INTRODUCTION FOR EVERY BAD GUY!?!?" Zuko interruptingly shouts at the sky (like an asshole). Yes it is necessary. Now, bak 2 duh plat. The Flash doesn't say anything, he just continues doing cocaine like always. "I've got this guys!" Optimus says, then runs out onto the battlefield, flailing his arms until he is completely destroyed. his final words were "Well, fuck." Zuko tries to firebend but then realizes that there's no fire so he just sits there complaining like a little bitch and in the end was completely useless for this fight. Leslie flirts with the illuminarti to try and get them to just give up. It has an adversly different effect than intended. Now all the illuminarti memebers were completely incapacitated from throwing up so much. "Now fier teh laza!" Bill yells. "Thank god you guys attempted to battle them first! you wasted like 2 seasons! So now it's ready to fire!"The doctor buts in. "FUCKNG FIRE IT ALREADY!" Zuko screams. "IMMA FIRIN MA LAZAHRRR! BWAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!11!!!!!!111!!" The P.E.N.I.S. Lazer lands a direct hit! it wipes out The Flash, Gary Oak, and Shia. "Guys! Don't worry! I saw the series finale of Gravity Falls! I know how to beat Bill!" screams the doctor. "How!?" everyone else asks in unision. "I forgot. But I remember how to render all his powers useless! Everyone, encrypt your thoughts!" "Well shit, I'm out guys!" Bill flies away. 'Bill Nye uses Science Bitch!' 'It's super effective!' 'Snoop leaves the battle to go to rehab for his cannabis problem'. "Fucking Shit!" screams John Cena. "It's ok John. If I can become a billionaire just using a small loan of a million dollars from my father, we can win this fight!" Tromp encourages him. "I have an idea!" Cena says, then whispers into Trump's ear for about 13 trillion-gazillion nanoseconds. "Shall we?" Cena asks. "Gladly!" replies Trump. They begin doing the Tango. "What the fuck are they doing?" asks the doctor. "wait a minute.... NO SOMEONE STIP THEM!" shouts Bill Nye. But it was too late. Just as swiftly as the fire nation had attacked, John Cena and Trump had fused. They were now one big gem named 'Jonald Trena'.
Before anyone can act, because of the pure shock of Donald Trump and John Cena doing the tango, Jonlad Trena picks up the P.E.N.I.S. Lazer and throws it acrooss the world. "Well, fuck this I'm out!" say the doctor and Nye in unision. "GREAT FUCKIN' WORK YOU TWO!" Shouts Zuko as they run. "SHUT UP FLAME BOY!" they respond. "Why the fuck am I still here? Bill Cipher is gone." Zuko leaves like a little bitch. "Well, it's just you and me Trena." "Wrong Leslie, it's just me.... er us?.... we?.... fuck it! ME!" Thye charge at each other and clash fists like a badass beacuse somehow Leslie doesn't die instantly. Leslie pulls out the toy knife and begins swinging wildly at Jonald. 'MISS', 'MISS', 'MISS'. "When did this turn into Undertale?" Jonald breaks the fourth wall. When I, the writer, told it to. But yeah point taken. Leslie puts up the toy knife. (BTW, kind of important to mention but this guy named Bob Maenus has been watching all this go down. He's the ACTUAL protagonist here. He was just never brought up at all before now. Y'know, it's a lost episode, SOMEONE has to be watching it.) After a long and really awesome fight, Leslie somehow stands victorious over Jonald Trena. Afterwords, Leslie goes to the nearest bar and sits down to have a drink. But right as she goes to take a drink, an african-american gentleman wearing an eyepatch comes up to him. "Hello sir, er... madame..... whatever! I'm here to represent the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division. My name, is Nick Fury, and we at S.H.I.E.L.D. want you, Leslie, to join the Avengers. Leslie slams his glas down, and breathes in and says "Mr. Fury, I w-" then the screen cuts to black. It is said whoever views this lost episode of Texas Ranger suffer from diarrhea, nausea, light-headedness, and becoming a homosexual. It is highly advised you never view this episode." This is what the note my friend ,Bob, sent said. I heard from Bob the next day, He had had a bad case of the shits but that was it. he didn't die or anything. The End.
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