Whatever Happened To Jack In The Box
So we all know about the popular fast food company Jack In The Box right? The company is quite famous for it's infamous rivalry with the infamous McDonalds and Burger King. Nowadays, Jack In The Box is completely dominated in the fast food market by McDonalds and Burger King along with various other rival fast food outlets. However what a lot of people don't know is that things were not always like this.
Back in the 1990's, Jack In The Box rose to prominence thanks to the world of advertising after introducing their mascot and spokesperson Jack Box. The commercials featuring Mr Box brought the company more attention that they could have ever hoped of achieving. Jack Box practically built that company's succuess himself. Jack Box himself was so confident with his mascot duties that he openly roasted McDonalds and Burger King for using smelly burgers you wouldn't even find in a trash can at Northwestern Medical School.
Now a lot of people foolishly believe that Jack was simply just a guy wearing a mask but this was not the case at all. Nope in reality, Jack Box was completely real. He was actually the one to found Jack In The Box. He was very vain which is why he desired to have his face on all the advertising and brand deals. It was a known fact by anyone working at Jack In The Box that Jack is a known sadist. He treats his employees like scum even when they just come to him for advice on their shoes. He was also corrupt and known to take bribes from Mikhail Faustin in exchange for all day access to any Jack In The Box.
Jack was also known to make terrible business decisions. A great example of this was in 1998 when Jack fired one of his employees named Benjamin Shulane. Benjamin was a great worker and was always on time. What had he done to piss of Jack? Well one day, Benjamin simply told Jack that his burgers were too cheap and the company was losing a great deal of dosh. Jack was so offended by Ben's comment that he was fired on the spot. This ended up biting Jack in the ass as Benjamin went on to found his own fast food company called Benji's Got Fries. It is currently the most successful fast food joint in Brooklyn. Don Salieri was also known to order from Benji's place while he chomped on smelly cigars which disgusts his bros Tommy and Paulie. Sam on the other hand did not care because he can barely stand up!
Sorry about that massive tangent. Anyways, another terrible business decision made by Jack was when he made a collaboration with movie director and small time crook Malcom Rosenburg. Well I say movie director but truth be told Mr Rosenberg had never made a full on Hollywood blockbuster. No he was more well known for his independent projects like "Sunny In A Parking Lot," and "Driving To Work And Back Again." Jack made contact with Rosenburg thanks to his connections to Mikhail Faustin. Faustin was a known investor in Rosenberg's film company.
One day, Rosenberg took Jack to the Hollywood film studio pretending that he worked there. He even went as far as to steal one of their golf carts. The rude carrot onion. He planned on making a movie starring Jack as a karate cop but Jack was not so convinced. Jack came up with a different movie entitled, "A Crispy Chicken Sandwich." The film was all about a man eating a crispy chicken sandwich from Jack In The Box. The man would then to have battle against a corrupt lawyer who planned on banning the crispy chicken sandwich and turning it into a salad sandwich.
The movie was made and was an immediate box office bomb. Rosenberg was terrible at film making as he had placed his uncle Ranjeet in charge of filming. With Ranjeet's direction, the film had a subplot which had nothing do with the rest of the film. It was about some Mafioso named Don Peppone trying to come to terms with the fact hat he didn't like peppers. Not even joking on that one dear reader. I mean the subplot was longer than the main story by like three hours. What the fuck?
Shulane's departure as well as Rosenberg's film had made Jack's staff wary of his terrible business decisions. He had also taken Shulane's earlier comment about his prices to heart. Jack began increasing the price of everything on his menu not just the hamburgers. He was clearly trying his best to make back the money that Rosenberg's film had lost him. He was getting desperate and his adverts were starting to grow old and outdated with audiences. Jack's behaviour at the restaurants during dinner time was also beginning to take a turn for the absolute worst. That's just putting it mildly.
Jack was rude not just to his staff but to his customers as well. Fast food agent Johnathan Maguire was able to interview a few customers who had been subject to Jack's abuse. One customer named Joey Feel commented that he had gotten a spoiled hamburger and demanded a refund. Jack refused to give it to him as he had a strict no refund policy. Mr Feel accepted this and went home to eat some fishy tacos. However, Feel's comment had infuriated Jack. In fact, it infuriated Jack so much that that very evening he went to Feel's house to personally confront him about it.
Feel was confused when he saw Jack on his front porch and asked, "did I win something?" "I take these comments personally Joey." Jack said as he began chasing Joey through the house like a mad man. He managed to tackle Joey down in his own backyard. He then forced Joey to eat his rotten burger. "It's good man it's good." Joey said as tears formed in his eyes. "You're not just saying that because I'm leaning on your spine right?" Jack asked as Joey replied with, "no man I was wrong to diss your burger ya know? I'm sorry Jack." Jack helped Feel up but did not say sorry for literally assaulting Feel in his own home. His own castle. That's just sick in my opinion.
Now as you might expect in reality, Feel did not enjoy the rotten hamburger one bit. I mean why would he? In fact, Joey only said that to get Jack off of him. The next day, Joey moved to New Bordeaux and he also changed his name legally to Frankie Dealer.
Not long after Feel's comment, Mr Johnson a resident of Sesame Street came out about being treated unfairly like a piece of cheesy chewing gum you'd find on the bottom of a table by Jack. One warm Spring afternoon, Mr Johnson asked for a bacon ultimate cheeseburger. He waited patiently at his table for a few seconds but then the seconds turned into minutes and then of course the minutes quickly turned into hours. Mr Johnson understandably had enough of waiting and despite protests from the employees went to confront Jack personally in his back office.
Jack looked at Mr Johnson with a smelly grin before asking, "what's the matter Sir?" "You and your staff are taking fricking hours just to feed me one cheeseburger! One! Not two! Not 69! Not even two fucking thousand! Just one!" Jack got up from his desk and walked over to Mr Johnson whilst shaking his head slowly. "Oh Sir I'm sorry to hear that I assure you my staff are trying to work to the best of their abilities. Sometimes things get tough ya know?" Jack said as Mr Johnson responded with, "sounds like a fucking excuse to me. I'd be better going to eat at Charlie's. I mean the waiter might be terrible at his job but at least the food is actually served in time." This was enough for Jack as he grabbed Johnson by the neck and lifted him up into the air. "So you like eating at Charlie's do ya?" Jack asked as Mr Johnson cried, "yes but..." He was cut off as Jack threw Mr Johnson out of the window. "THEN STAY THERE!" Jack yelled at the very top of his lungs. The force of his throw was so much that Mr Johnson flew across the city all the way back to Sesame Street. He landed right back in Charlie's Restaurant where Grover was waiting to serve him. "I never thought I'd say this but I'm glad to see you." Mr Johnson muttered as he began reading his menu trying to act as though nothing ever happened.
Jack was also known enemies with Santa Clause. One time, Santa tried to complain about his bacon ultimate cheeseburger fattening up his elves but Jack played dumb. He claimed that the burger was never meant for elves, but Santa knew the truth and so does Jack. He made that burger specifically for the elves. You see a child, Jack was always on the naughty list as such never got his one only Christmas wish a bagpipe. He desired those bagpipes more than anything else because as a child he was regularly mentored by family friend Scrooge McDuck. McDuck was a known bagpipe player having gotten one of them from Santa many chilly Christmas mornings ago. Even longer now than it seems. So sad.
Now let's move on from Jack's behaviour towards his own customers to his friendship with Mikhail Faustin. You see Mikhail Faustin heads the local Russian Mafia and has been a close friend of Jack's for years. More years than either one of them wishes to own up to it seems. Jack provides Faustin with free access to all of his restaurants and food in exchange for large cash bribes and security for all of his restaurants. Jack was also known to call upon Faustin's services when he had a problem which needed sorting out.
A great example of this was when one of Jack's employees named Enrique turned out to be an informant for McDonalds. He had been sent to Jack In The Box in order to gain information on Jack's recipes and any plans the dreaded snowman may have up his sleeves. When Jack found out about Enrique's informer status he went ape and had Enrique assassinated by one of Faustin's goons. Enrique's death warned McDonalds and other competing companies from sending another mole into Jack's organisation. Though some suspect that Jack's right-hand man and second in command Derek Rice may be a mole for Carls Jr. This however has yet to be confirmed.
Jack treats his employees like scum even Derek Rice gets his fair share of abuse. He regularly forgets to pay them. Even when he does, Jack only pays them like two cents. That can't even buy them the big Christmas turkey from a butcher who never smiles. The only time he actually smiles is at 7:46 pm on the 15th of June. So set your calendars. I know I've set mine. Anyways, Jack himself earns about a million dollars per shift even though he just sits in his office reading a newspaper or playing on Xbox 360. Jack was also becoming more and more stressful as his company was losing money and fast.
Jack used the money he got from Faustin to go gambling at Moe Greene's casino in Las Vegas. He never won any of his gambles and always lose the money to Greene and his stuck up friends. Jack was a gambling addict in it's purest form. Aside from gambling, Jack also used the money to buy things for himself like a super mansion, a Ferrari, his own private jet, and even his own penthouse suite at the Empire Arms Hotel and the Plaza Hotel where the front desk manager Tim Curry suspects him of counterfeiting. Why exactly does Curry suspect this? I haven't got a fucking clue! Tim Curry was also unable to get proof about his suspicions due to the hotel's security guard Cliff being on Jack's payroll. Cliff repeatedly told Tim nothing was up and kept Curry from Jack's penthouse suite which was also guarded by Jack's right-hand man Derek Rice.
Jack sometimes threw staff parties on a rare occasion when he was feeling nice. Not too nice however as he always made his staff clean up the mess even though it was mostly him that caused it. Now that ain't nice. No Siree it is not. The staff parties were often raided by the police due to them being tipped off about a cheeseburger deal by a mouse with a severe noise injury, Despite the injury, the mouse works as a professional security guard for the local property magnate and real estate novelist Toad John who rather fat for a toad just saying.
I should also mention that Jack's price increasing dealt his company a crushing blow as they were barely making ends meat as it is. He would show up to work incredibly late too yet he still knew if you were late or not. How do I know this? Well readers I actually use to work at Jack In The Box back in 2005 or there about. I don't remember the bloody date alright!? Sorry about that this story just brings a tear to my eye whenever I think or talk about it.
I had gotten to my local Jack In The Box two minutes late. Everything seemed to be going well at first until I was eventually called into Jack's office by his secretary Rolonda. Arriving at the office, Jack had an intense go at me. "Why you always late man you're always late!" Jack yelled as I pleaded, "just give me another chance Jack just give me...." "No! You're done friend you're done. Go see Rolonda for your goodbye goodie bag and get out of my sight!" I then tried my best to get another chance from Jack but he was having none of it. He pressed a button on his intercom and said, "Rolanda release the bees."
Those fricking bees chased me for five hours straight. Twenty times I was stung that day! Twenty! I had be taken to the hospital because of how bad the stinging was. Oddly, even though my doctor the world famous heart surgeon Sir Roger Colbham sued Jack for what he did to me. He was never actually tried in court likely because Judge Mudge was in Jack's pocket for big money. Also I should mention that those damn bees were still chasing me even after I was taken inside the ambulance. To this day, I can still never bring myself to go to another Jack In The Box and I doubt I ever will.
All of these reasons and more is why I and so many others believe that Jack In The Box has fallen from glory. These days, people do not speak of Jack and his company in a positive tongue. They talk about it like it's the worst place on Earth and the only reason you'd ever go there is because all the other fast food joins in the town are closed. This is quite depressing. I mean sure I hate Jack Box for what he did to me but still... that company was once on top of the fast food world. Now? It's just a shell of it's former self people. A joke if you will. Jack's adverts have also become rather bland and dull. No longer funny and fresh they are bland and mouldy like his burgers. He has begun feeding into cheap hamburger tactics he had once warned McDonalds and Burger King against. He has become a laughing stock in the fast food industry. This is why I believe Jack himself caused the downfall of Jack In The Box.o
With that being said I still recommend anyone reading this to go and eat something from Jack In The Box. If Jack tries to chase you away with bees just tell him he smells like cheese. We need places like Jack In The Box to stay open even if is the CEO is a corrupt and brainless piece of shit. We need places that wait until you've ordered your food even if you take a good solid five hours because you're a socially awkward little penguin. That's just good manners and we need more people to follow in their footsteps. Goodbye for now readers for it's time for me tea. I think I'm gonna order myself a bacon ultimate cheeseburger and maybe just maybe a cosy hot cup of tea.
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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