Why I'll Never Go To Equestria With Mr. Krabs
Comedic story written by TheDarkCat97
[Airport sounds in the background]
Stitches: Um... Where are we going again?
Vampyro: We're going to Equestria, Stitches. A miserable little village filled with happy-go-lucky horses with glorious aromas, smiling faces, and a lot of... *sighs* sunlight.
Stitches: Oh, that's bad. I mean, you're a vampire, you'll burst into flames once you step off that plane.
Vampyro: Don't worry, sunlight to vampires is not actually from the folklore, as many types of vampires - like myself - survive just fine in the sunlight, and traditional folklore rarely mentions sunlight at all. In other words, it's just gonna give me minimum discomfort.
Stitches: Oh that's good. I wonder how all of Ponyville would react to us being there.
Vampyro: Huh, you know, I was wondering the same thing. Between your yellow skin, black lips, and shriveled complexion, and my pale skin, red eyes and fangs, it's a no-brainer that they'll be a bit unnerved. But, we won't let that get between us and our mission, right?
Stitches: Mission? Oh, yeah, the mission Mr. Krabs gave us! You know, I have a feeling that he's gonna get us into trouble because of his actions.
Vampyro: You know that's right. Remember the time where we went to San Lorenzo and ran into the Senior Puss Squad?
[Mr. Krabs vs Skeletons sound effect]
Stitches: Huh, no wonder why we were banned from that place.
Vampyro: Dude, you were there. You forgot about it already?
Stitches: Well, once you're like me, you'd loose track of time very easily... Loose track of time very easily...
Vampyro: Whatever, let's just get on the plane.
[Plane taking off sound effect]
[Walking on dirt sound effect]
Vampyro: *groan* Finally! We finally made it out of that goddamn plane!
Stitches: I personally think that it was relaxing.
Vampyro: You're used to this kind of thing, I'm not. All I had to deal with was a couple of Valleygirls, some creepy pervert, and a noisy little brat! And to make the matters worse, the plane's waiters were all Spanish, so trying to get their attention didn't help the situation.
Stitches: The other two with the Valleygirls and the creep is reasonable, but the kid just didn't like Pistachios.
Vampyro: Then why did he want it in the first place?
Stitches: I dunno, you know kids today. Can't make up their minds.
Vampyro: Ugh, let's just do what other backpackers do, just walk down this lonesome trail, with nothing but the bags on our backs.
Stitches: I can live with that. But, where do Mr. Krabs want to meet us at again?
Vampyro: Ponyville, specifically, at the square. We should be there tomorrow, so we'll stop somewhere to camp out at, so don't expect a relaxing walk around nature.
Both: *Panting*
Vampyro: Well, that took us longer than I thought.
Stitches: *Whistling The Andy Griffith Show theme*
Vampyro: Hey, wait a minute! Why aren't you tired out?!
Stitches: I'm practically a Frankenstein abomination, I never get tired.
Vampyro: Whatever, at least we're here. Now, where is Mr. Krabs?
Stitches: ... Ooh, ooh, I see him! Near the Kiss Inn.
Vampyro: Good eye, Stitches! Let's go!
[The two going over to Mr. Krabs]
Mr. Krabs: Took ya two long enough! Now listen, the reason why I sent you two here is that there is a treasury at the Castle of Friendship. And I want you to help me break in there and take all the loot we can grab!
Mr. Krabs: That's right, boyo! We're breaking into that castle and steal them treasures. Think about it, boys, living the good life swimming in a golden lake and showering in a billion dollar bills!
Vampyro: Uuuuuuuuh......... Mr. Krabs? You barked at us on the phone to get on a plane to Ponyville, had us suffer from a bunch of morons, had us hike for a whole day, only for us to burglarize a royal castle? Isn't that idea, well, *clears throat* illegal?
Mr. Krabs: Illegal is a strong word.
Vampyro: I doubt it.
Stitches: Can we just get this done? We're burning daylight.
Vampyro: No, no I'm not going to jail! I'd rather have a stake in the heart than to get my ass clapped!
Mr. Krabs: Sorry, you already signed a contract to join in on the job.
Vampyro: Since when?
Mr. Krabs: Hey, uh, you wanna sign this contract? Cause we gotta rob a castle next week.
Vampyro: Yeah, sure whatever.
Vampyro: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh, FUCK!
[Walking on dirt sound effect]
Mr. Krabs: Alright, boyo, you got me map of the place?
Vampyro: Yeah, yeah, but I still got a bad feeling about this.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, you'll get over it. Anyway, let's take a look at the map. Mm-hm, mm-hm, alright. Okay, the treasury is down below, so it looks like we'll have to dig our way to those gold doubloons! Stitches, hand us some shovels, it's time to get diggin'!
Dark Reindeer: Sup guys?
Vampyro: Uh, hey Dark, uh, w-w-we're just, uh, burying our neighbor's dog. He choked on one of Zarbon's used condoms and-
Dark Reindeer: Zarbon's not in this universe, you know? He's in DevilArtemis' videos. Now, about that dog, where is it?
Stitches: Where's what?
Dark Reindeer: The dog, mate? Where is the dog, 'cause, I don't see it.
Mr. Krabs: Well, uh, you see, it's in this bag right here.
Dark Reindeer: It's in this bag?
Mr. Krabs: Yes, it's a little decomposed, so we brought some doggie bags since the smell makes us practically vomit our guts out.
Dark Reindeer: Yet you say there's a dog in that bag, despite the fact that it's filled with tools and equipment.
Vampyro: ... Well shit. Looks like he's cornered us. Might as well tell him the-
Mr. Krabs: Oh hell no, we ain't telling him shit!
Dark Reindeer: Tell me what, exactly?
Mr. Krabs: To suck deeznuts, bitch! Keep digging boys, we've got to get rid of this dead dog, it's stinking more than Taylor Swift's pussy!
Dark Reindeer: Like I heard that before. Alright, I'll be at Town Square if you need me.
Mr. Krabs: Bah, who needs that cocksucker, let's just keep digging so we can be filthy, stinking rich!
[So Much Later That The Old Narrator Got Tired Of Waiting And They Had To Hire A New One]
[Hitting Concrete sound effect]
Stitches: I hit something!
Mr. Krabs: Ho-ho! I bet it's the treasury! Oh, shit, these concrete blocks are movable, possibly a secret entrance!
Mr. Krabs: *Gasps*
Pony cop: Freeze! You're all under arrest for attempted burglary!
Mr. Krabs: How about fuck all of ya! I'm getting me gold!
Pony Cop: Hault, stop, stop!
[Mr. Krabs screaming - skip to 0:06]
[Can you move it along? I'm running out of time cards]
Vampyro: I called it, I fucking called it! I knew we're gonna be in so much trouble!
Mr. Krabs: Ah, quite your belly-aching, boy! It could be worse.
Vampyro: Could be worse? We're in jail because of your actions!
Mr. Krabs: Hey, don't you get hissy with me because you signed a contracted!
Vampyro: It's blacklisted, you tricked me into it! Does your daughter even sleep at night thinking that her father is a fucking crook?!
Mr. Krabs: Oh, don't you bring Pearl into the mi-
Prisoner: [Cut to 1:56]
Stitches: Sorry. Anyway, hope you guys enjoyed tonight's video! Be sure to like, comment, and subscribe for more of us!
Vampyro: And stay in school, cause this motherfucker doesn't teach you shit!
Mr. Krabs: Ah, fuck you!
Stitches: I'm Stitches, everyone's favorite monster, and we're offline!
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