Why I Don't Like Jellyfish

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I cannot stand jellyfish I mean seriously I hate them to the very core. They float about blind stinging people in the seas, and I mean let's face it no one eats jellyfish with chips and mushy peas. In fact I hate jellyfish so much that if I was made ruler of Earth; my first act of business would be to completely eradicate jellyfish from the face of the Earth. They do nothing for our planet so I see no harm in getting rid of them to be perfectly honest with you.

Now you may be asking yourself; why do you have such a hatred towards jellyfish? Well I'll tell you if you'd shut up and listen for a few minutes so rude. Now, my hatred for jellyfish just like any hatred came from an experience in my youth. The story started many moons ago back before the world turned into bricks and people at Tesco ate lemon cakes without wearing gloves.

I was visiting some friends in Australia. My homie Karl Pilkington hated Australia for their deadly animals but I on the other hand felt differently. From the smelly kangaroos to the great white sharks I loved all of Australia's wild life. Anyways, me and my homie Karl along with his grandfather clock Cogsworth met up with our friends at a bar in Queensland.

I took a sip from a glass of whiskey as our friends began speaking. Our friends were James Donnelly, Mortimer Mouse, and Buzz the honey nut cheerio's bee. "Well lads it's a nice day out how about we go out to the beach for a surfing session." Donnelly suggested. My friends all agreed expect for me and Buzz. "I'd rather stay here and taste some nuts and honey!" Buzz suggested. I meanwhile explained to Donnelly that I was afraid of all the monsters that hid under those waves of blue but he was not taking no for an answer. "Get to that beach boy! I need you to make the big wave!" Donnelly yelled at the top of his lungs. I agreed to go with them to the beach just so they'd shut up for five minutes.

Arriving at the beach, Mortimer gave us each a surfboard. "Now lads the thing with surfing is..." Mortimer was cut off as an incredibly smelly sea captain appeared on the scene from behind him. "Sorry boys but the beach is closed." "What do you mean closed?" I asked as the captain replied with, "we've had to close the beach now today due to box jellyfish appearing in large numbers. Sorry boys." That's when Cogsworth of all people got an idea. He pulled out a razor and the sea captain responded to this with, "first Sir I would like a shave." Cogsworth made a barber chair appear magically as the captain sat his ass down.

So while Cogsworth shaved the sea captain's grubby face; the rest of us grabbed our boards and headed towards the ocean. For awhile everything was going like peaches and gravy in an ashtray. The waves were huge and perfect for surfing. Me and Donnelly shared a board because he was too bloody scared to surf on his own. Then of all the sudden I turned around to see a massive wave heading towards me. I mean massive like legit it was the size of the Eiffel Tower. I started to panic but a fellow surfer named Jack Kahuna Laguna simply said, "just keep breathing." This ended up proving to be useless as the massive wave swept me and Donnelly underneath it. Buzz, Karl, and Mortimer were somehow not effected by the massive wave. Perhaps it was the beach Gods punishing us for surfing in their dangerous seas.

Whatever the case maybe, me and Donnelly were dragged underwater by the violent torrent of water. That's when I felt something zap my leg. It was just a little pinch kind of feeling. Then I looked down to see that I had been stung by a box jellyfish. I tried swimming back up to the surface but ended up getting pulled further back into sea by the violent waves. I was beginning to feel intense pain all over my body as the sting mark began to grow larger and larger. Donnelly meanwhile had fallen unconscious. After I was stung, Donnelly laughed at me so I responded by falcon punching him which ended up knocking him out.

I was beginning to feel sleepy and I was dipping in and out of consciousness. I could feel the water around me getting tighter and tighter. I opened my eyes again to see that I was in a fucking river of jellyfish. There was box jellyfish all around me. Big ones too. Their tentacles began wrapping around me. At that precise moment, I passed out.

I awoke up several hours later in a daze. I was horrified to find that I was trapped in a jungle of jellyfish. Not box jellyfish this time. No they were huge fucking lion mane jellyfish. Each of them were the size of six double decker buses. I vomited. Suddenly, the jellyfish began speaking to me. They said, "you and your friends have disturbed our seas long enough it's time to put an end to it." "So you can talk now?" I asked before continuing with, "then let me go please!" "Fat chance." One of the jellyfish joked before saying. "we're leaving you to Big Bill he's the biggest and meanest jellyfish in the entire ocean."

At that moment, a large jellyfish dressed in a football uniform appeared on the scene. Well shit that must be Big Bill. Bill began charging towards me as I hid behind some rocks. I was confused as to how I could now suddenly breath underwater and that the jellyfish could speak English but I decided not to dwell on it. Anyways, Big Bill threw the rocks I was hiding behind in the air. That's when I decided that I had had enough. I grabbed a sharp piece of rock and threw right into Big Bill causing him to blow up like a balloon. Pennywise would not be very happy with that I'm sure.

After Bill was killed, the rest of the jellyfish appeared to cheer me on. "I can't believe it!" One of the jellyfish proclaimed. "He actually killed Big Bill!" Another one proclaimed. Jellyfish sure love proclaiming don't they reader? The jellyfish then picked me up with their tentacles and took me to meet with their grand leader the King Jellyfish.

The King was busy eating pie a small cave like area on the far side of the ocean. I was thrown into the sand in front of the King who laughed before saying, "so this is the chump that killed Bill huh?" "Yes that's right King Jellyfish he..." The jellyfish was cut off after the King threw a brick at him. "Then it looks like he's the one I'll be bonding with." King Jellyfish said as I asked, "bonding?" "Allow me to explain." King Jellyfish said before continuing with, "you see me and my subjects have long since grown tired of living in the ocean. We want to walk out in the sun, we want to be able to eat chips and mushy peas, and we want to sleep in a smelly hotel that not even Sir Lenny Henry himself would dare to visit.

The King then cleared his throat as he continued speaking with, "we've realised over the years that we jellyfish are capable of taking human form. The only problem is we have to kill the human we posing as so we can take their identity." "And you chose me?" I asked as King Jellyfish replied with, "yes my son for you proved yourself by killing Big Bill and punching the shit out of your drunken Irish friend."

The King Jellyfish then proceeded to have me held down by two of his jellyfish minions. "Thanks for this." The King said as he sat on top of my head. He then proceeded to absorb my entire body. He sat in that absorbent state for a good twenty minutes before the transformation fully took effect. I was no longer me I was the King Jellyfish in human form. Meanwhile, the King's second in command took control of Donnelly's body using the same method. I turned around to face my new jellyfish brethren and said, "me and my second in command will find bodies for you soon my children. Trust me on that." I said as me and 'Donnelly' headed back to the beach carrying several jellyfish.

Arriving back at the beach, me and 'Donnelly' played off our absence as being stuck in traffic. The gang for whatever reason decided to believe this. We then gave each of them a free jellyfish by saying we found them floating about in the seas for people to pick up. "Oh thanks." Cogsworth muttered after he finished up shaving the salty sea captain who was also given a jellyfish.

That evening, all of my friends were taken over by the jellyfish. This was only the beginning. For the King Jellyfish planned on returning to the sea to gather up more of his people. My personality changed completely thanks to the King taking my life away from me. I became far more aggressive and quick to anger whilst under the King's control.

For example a knock occurred at our front door at around four o'clock in the morning. I opened the door to find a weird Humpty Dumpty hybrid just chilling out on our front porch. "Chocadooby!" The egg proclaimed happily to which I responded by slamming a sledge hammer down on the poor thing's head causing it break into a million tiny bite size eggy pieces. Another knock occurred a few hours later. This time it was none other than Lionel Richie who sang, "share them together new extra crunchy." He grabbed a bag of crisps out from my hands and sang, "ooh yeah share."

I grabbed Lionel by the neck and then proceeded to throw him out of my window. I no longer had any control over my actions. All I can really say to those two incidents is poor Humpty and Lionel Richie. Now even though the King had complete control over my actions I was still aware that I was being controlled as were my friends. We couldn't do anything to remedy the situation however. We just had to hope that someone would save us.

The day after the surfing incident, me and my friends returned to the beach. "The taste of nuts and honey." Buzz said as Ebenezer Scrooge and Rabi Pit appeared on the beach. "The taste of nuts and honey?" Scrooge asked as he had a massive spoonful of cheerio's. He ended up spitting them out because they tasted fucking horrible.

The beach was a lot more full today compared to how it was yesterday. In fact, the beach was full beyond belief. So many tourists and locals visiting today. So many more people for the jellyfish to infect. First they'd take over the beach and then the entire country. Before you know it, the jellyfish are controlling the entire world then the entire universe itself! I had some stowaway jellyfish stored in my back pocket and gave them out to Cesar Vialpando and his son Little Chimney. Yes his son's name was actually Little Chimney. I don't even know anymore. Vialpando was soon infected as was Chimney.

The King then set his sights upon the Mayor who sat on the very far side of the beach. "Stop right there!" A voice yelled as I was tackled to the ground by the sea captain who had not been infected like me and my friends. He yanked the King Jellyfish from my head and stomped it until it was dead. He then proceeded to do the same for the rest of my friends. "Thank you so much Captain." I said happily as the captain replied, "we're not finished until we wipe out the entire jellyfish fleet." "We've got to get to the King's den quickly before the jellyfish set sail." I said as Mr Krabs asked, "BUT HOW!?" "I can take you there." A voice said in the diatance.

We looked to where the voice came from and saw David Hasselhoff running towards us in slow motion. "David Hasselhoff?" I asked as Hasselhoff replied with, "hop onto my hairy back and I'll take you to the jellyfish den you seek." We each took turns climbing onto Hasselhoff's back as he began swimming towards the den. We arrived at the den and Hasselhoff threw us into the ocean as he said to himself, "you did good Hasselhoff you did good."

Arriving at the den, I confronted the jellyfish army and said, "this thing ends now!" The fight was glorious. Jellyfish were getting stomped on and sat on left and right. Sadly, we lost Mortimer in the fight. Actually no we didn't I was only saying that to make you weep like that smelly moustache man who sang Tainted Love on a karaoke machine in Gran Canaria. The jellyfish were all wiped out. I even made my way back to the box jellyfish hideout and killed all of them too.

After the deed was done, we returned back to the beach and headed home for some Empire Bay style deli sandwiches. Also, the sea captain never bothered to cure Cesar and Chimney so they were taken to the local mental hospital where the front guard Gordy keeps a bear as a pet. Gordy was also corrupt and was having an affair with an incredibly fat female vicar who is married to a quiet man named Bob who never speaks. He hasn't spoken since the great fire of 82. A fire of which he can never get out of his mind.

Well that certainly got depressing real fast didn't it peeps? Well anyway there you have it. That's the reason why I hate jellyfish. They tried to enslave the entire planet so I responded by wiping out theirs. Sadly this is not the end of the jellyfish as they still exist all over the word in large numbers. One day hopefully they'll go extinct like the dodo. I'd rather have a dodo than a jellyfish as a pet to be honest. At least with a dodo you can eat it if misbehaves. A jellyfish? Well let's just say it would be spiteful to put jellyfish on a trifle.

So If you see a jellyfish washed up on the beach don't help it by throwing back into the sea. Not like that would do anything anyway. No peeps just point and laugh at it. Oh and by the way I now work for the sea captain at his pier in Springfield. I dance for people to pay me some money so I can buy a crust of bread. No crust of bread of those in need and no cheeses for these mice's. If you pay me I'll dance even longer. I'll dance until the sun goes down in Hushaby Mountain. I can promise you that. Goodbye for now come back and see me some time yeah? We could have a cup of tea and some eggs and chips or maybe just maybe a cheeky little chocolate digestive biscuit.

Credited to Bruno Tattagllia 

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