Why I don't drive for Uber anymore
My name is Pauli Salvatori. I'm 5 foot 11, Italian as a bowl of spaghetti and cool as a cucumber. I used to drive for Uber to make ends meet. It wasn't my idea. My wife thought it would take my mind off of the fact that every time I got scared I shit the ever-loving Christ out of my pants.
So I'm cruising around the Bronx heading to pick up my latest fare, and I pull up to a blonde bombshell. 36x24x36 if you fellas know what I mean. She comes up to my window and in a breathy voice that only an angel could have says, "are you my ride?"
I fire back with a gruff "yea, get in sweet tits."
As she climbs into the back of my Prius I get the feeling that something was...wrong. I start to get a not so fresh feeling in the breadbasket. Like that feeling only sardines and mozzarella coated in olive oil and served on a bed of ravioli can give you.
But I ignore nature's call and pull off beginning the 35 minute ride to her destination, it wouldn't be right to keep a fine piece of ass like this waiting. After about two minutes of driving in silence, her ringer goes of. It's so loud and unexpected, it startles the hell me, and I dump a fresh loaf all in my trousers.
'Shit,' I think, while I continue producing it quite literally out of my asshole. Maybe she won't notice if I play it cool. So with a James Dean level of swagger I roll down the windows in an attempt to get that smell of hot duke out the window. But no such luck. It just blows into the back. The back, unfortunately for her, where she decided to sit.
The pH of this poop is so low it melts her face off like butter on a hot day in Iraq. As she is melting away in the back seat, skull and viscera exposed, begging to every god in the books to just let her die, I realize something. Uber covers vomit, but they don't cover melted women.
So see kids, that's why I don't drive for Uber anymore. Because my crap is highly acidic and Uber has no policy about when your fare turns into a pile of pink slop. Some may say I should lay off the hot fries but, I mean, would it be worth it?
Credited to grghbbs
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