Why You Should Never Play Super Mario Sunshine While High on Crack Cocaine

Super Mario Sunshine 666!

The story begins on a happy day. You can see the sun; it's warm embrace comforts you. The sun can also see you, especially when you don't want it to.

Prepare your anus, it begins.

I was sitting on the couch, playing Pokémon Red on my Gameboy Advance. A cool breeze came in through my shutters. I sit like this for what I estimate to be about half an hour before my doorbell rings, and I get up to answer it after quickly stretching out. The door swung open. My best friend was outside. He looked down at his feet. My friend lives nowhere near me, though. I asked him what was going on and he said nothing. shaking his head. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a flash drive. He handed it to me and slowly walked away.

I brought the flash drive closer to examine it. There was a label on it, not to be confused with a label. What is a label? What is a label? Fuck off. The label read "Super Mario Sunshine 666." How cliché. Being the total stupid fuck that I am, I was going to play the game. So I walked to my room, and put the flash drive in. The computer was off, but it suddenly turned on. It skipped the computer log in and displayed "NINTENDO, 86, 96, 06." I realized these were years: 1986, 1996, 2006. All ten years apart. Some kind of pattern. And the last number of each year? It totally isn't it leading up to "666" or anything cliché like that, trust me, even though I don't know this because I'm a completely clueless person who just started using this flash drive.

The cinematic with Mario, Peach, and Toadsworth on the plane started. It made the noise when you press start, and the cinematic stopped. It showed me a picture of Reggie. It asked "Is your body Reggie?" There were two options: Yes, or No. I paused a quick moment to screenshot Reggie's face, and examine. Blood was dripping from his eyes and he had 666 written on his head. It looked like someone drew it in MS Paint, but it was really scary and real. Before I write what I answered, I would supply said photo of Reggie, but I'm not logged in so I can't post photos.

I answered Yes. The cutscene started, but it crashed straight into the ocean. I was shocked! Mario emerged from the wreck, and what played next was the Islanders welcoming them. "Welcome to Isle Delphino!" They said AS USUAL. IN CAPS LOCK... VERBAL CAPS LOCK. I took control of Mario and swam to shore. Peach and Toadsworth were not there, probably because they died or some shit like that. The ocean was red. LIKE BLOOD. The first miniboss was totally missing. I ran to where Fludd should be. But Mess Mario was standing there. He was red, not like blood, but LIKE SATAN COLOR. He attacked Mario, and a boss fight started. Every 10 seconds, Mess/Satan Mario would kill and eat an Islander, if not stopped by Mario. Mario, who had to jump on his back, would then grab a nearby sledgehammer and beat his head in. I repeated the process three times, and Satan Mario was defeated.

After, the cops ran to Mario and started tazing, and generally beating the shit out of Mario who actually just saved their asses, as a matter of fact. The court cutscene played, but the Judge only said "Give him the electric chair for mass murder and cannibalism." However, Mario broke free. He stabbed the judge with a shank, and ran out the courthouse. He threw it into the back of a cop outside. A chase ensued that took me all around the city. Finally, Mario stop and collapsed on the ground in a cutscene. A firing squad marched onto screen and shot Mario. Mario's blood leaked out over his Plumber's Suit. I was terrified. The next cutscene appeared. It looked like a mental hospital. The camera went into an isolated cell. Inside, was Mario...

He fidgeted for a long while, and often groaned. After all, he was confined in a straight jacket. He then quietly mumbled "More mushrooms, please..." This was a shocking twist. The Mario you'd grown to love? An addict. The camera zoomed out and showed a newspaper clipping on a telephone pole. "Mario Mario kills several innocents in Italy block. Famed Plumber was brought before court in 2006, and due to his poor health and drug addiction he was sentenced permanently to a mental hospital.

According to the paper, Mario Mario had committed a string of murders on three occasions. In 1986, a couple reportedly was attacked by a man who came out of a tube. This reported by the wife, who's husband was killed trying to protect her. She hid and heard outside screams while dialing 911. It was believed there were 10 killings, and according to the wife she heard the killer talking to himself saying "We only need a few more sacrifices for Satan, but I want to do some extras." There were several variations of the 1996 slayings, however, most of them agree that Mario appeared at about midnight during a party at a suburban home. The lone survivor said that the lights went out, everyone went silent and stopped moving. Some whispered that they heard footsteps, and a short, dark figure ran towards the group. The survivor said that's when the killings occurred. He walked away from the reporter crying afterwards. The 2006 string is largely mysterious.

Witnesses say the short dark figure was in a van and picking up several adults as well as children, against their will. A man who approached the reporter told us about how he rushed to the van to try to stop a child from being abducted at gunpoint, but he was too late. None of the people who went missing in 06 have been found, but several bodies have been found recently in an abandoned mansion not far from the site of the abductions.

That was a long, dark read for a Mario game. And I was scared. Fear was all over my body. It showed Mario in the mental hospital again. He said sadly "I swear, it wasn't me, it was the evil shadow!" to no one. He looked forlorn, like he had given up on life. It went away from him, and big bold black text appeared on the screen: "You said you were Reggie. The truth came." I told myself it was over now, and took the flash drive out. The computer shut down. I threw the cartridge into the driveway, the horror still fresh in my mind. A van quickly rushed by, and I knew exactly why it was here. The dark figure appeared. I hid under my car. It searched my house, and then left. It picked up the cartridge, outside, laughing. The demon got back in the van and I heard screams, crying for help. The van was then gone. The cries for help still haunt me today.

It was a very happy day.

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