Woody Woodpecker in: "Mr. Pecker Loses His Cool"
It was my 33rd birthday. I had been sitting at home, alone, requesting that people RSVP to join the awesome party. I invited the entire block, but nobody showed up. I had place settings on the dining room table for 20 people. There were balloons, streamers and a delicious birthday cake with "Happy Birthday Remus" written in beautiful icing by the hot Publix grandma.
Well, I had sat there alone for the entire evening, sipping my Diet Rite out of a straw, folding napkins to resemble birds. Then...I heard a knock at my door. A visitor! Finally, a guest to my party! I opened the door only to see a very angry and disheveled mailman driving away in the rain at 11:30 pm. A package? For me? Oh my god! A gift! I picked it up. Well what the fuck could it be...A VHS?" It was shaped like a VHS, smelled like a VHS, and when I unwrapped the goddamn paper it was very well a fucking VHS. Whoop-de-fucking-do thanks for the dated technology. But this VHS...seemed a little strange. There was a picture of Woody Woodpecker on the cover with the caption "Hope you have a good one, friendo". Woody looked a little insane on the cover. Despondant even.
Now I always liked Woody Woodpecker as a kid, but it had been years since I'd put the program on. We didn't have many TV shows in West Virginia, where I was born and raised. "Put the tape on". A voice whispered. It may have been my degenerating mental health talking. See, there's some fluid in the ears that generates voices, and when you spend too much time alone the fluid in your ears starts moving on its own to tell you things, because it has nothing else to do. I noticed there were some cat bones laying out in the sidewalk in the shape of an "X" but I didn't make any notice of it.
I pulled the VHS out of it slipcase. This thing must have been several decades old. I was highly concerned about the quality and fidelity of this VHS program, because I myself had to view everything In HD at 220ppi megapixels in HD. I didn't work for twenty goddamn years to view lackluster HD, goddamn it.
I snapped into a Twix bar. I had nothing left to say or do, so I popped the VHS tape into the player. Good lord...there was something very evil about Woody Woodpecker. He had razor sharp teeth and flames for eyes, and he was cutting up the background in a very violent manner. "HAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHH AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA!" His trademark laugh seemed a little more insane. The name of this episode was "Mr. Pecker Loses His Cool."
The bizarre Mr. Pecker was shown wandering into a supermarket. "I am fucking insane." Woody Woodpecker smiled. He started poking people with pins. What the fuck? Why? You see a family arguing about what to eat for dinner when Mr. Pecker pokes them. "Ow!" The woman screams. Woody Woodpecker empties his comedic pockets out, dropping anvils, forks, knives, a "comedic bomb" which didn't look very funny and a sledgehammer. "How'd you like the prank!" He giggles. "It wasn't a prank!" The woman screamed. Woody Woodpecker picks up the sledgehammer and slams it into the woman's legs, knocking her over and shattering her kneecaps while people scream .
All of a sudden, I thought I heard something at my window. It looked like wings or two pairs of glowing eyes. I must've just been paranoid, I continued watching this great program, my favorite show, Woody Woodpecker.
Woody Woodpecker snickered as blood poured from the woman's head. "Clean up in aisle nine!" He giggled. He strolls over to the aisle that has pest control products and picks up several cans of RAID. An old woman walks up to him. "Oh, you're going to kill insects with that?" She smiles. "YES!" He giggles, and laughs again. He sprays the entire can of raid into the woman's mouth until she rolls over and chokes to death on her own tongue. Ok then. He draws comedic "X's" on her eyes with a black marker, though she's clearly actually dead and the art is highly realistic.
Woody runs from the location into the hardware department of the supermarket. "Couldja help me out??!" A mustached man smiled. Woody just stared, squinting. "I'm trying to figure out something to write on this board. You're a woodpecker, aren't you?" The man had a German accent. Woody smiled and pecked the wood. He pecked the words "You're a fucking asshole" and pecked one of the corners to be extra sharp. The man made a horrified face as woody picked up the sharp edge and stabbed him in the head with it! Blood and skittles poured from the wound, the very candy I was eating.
"Am I creeping you out." A voice whispered. Now I knew someone was watching me. I went over to the curtains and leered out the window. I saw something that was taller than an average man stumble into some garbage cans into the alley near my house. I figured it was just a stray cat, and went back to my enjoyable VHS program.
Woody Woodpecker strolled down the dairy aisle while people screamed at all of the violent bloodshed. One person ran by hysterically as Woody smiled. He lined a little bit to the left and stabbed the person in the throat with his razor sharp beak. "I'm a real prankster!" He giggled, and opened the beak, ripping the person in two like delicious mozzarella cheese dough sticks. A real prankster indeed. The police arrived. Woody ran into the back of the hardware store. "You'll never take me alive, coppa!" He yelled. "DROP THE WEAPON!" A policeman yelled. It seemed like more of a modern police procedure than this program usually allotted. "Ok." Woody DID drop the weapon. He ripped his beak off violently, while blood and feathers flew everywhere and the body screamed in tremulous horror. "AHH!" Woody screamed as he rended his own flesh from his body. Underneath the bloody mouth hole was a pair of smiling teeth that chittered, with a long serpent like tongue. His eyes looked fuzzier and more moth like now.
He threw his disconnected beak at a random man running by as it impaled him and he fell dead on the floor. Woody strolled across the canned soda aisle while the police fired at him. Their shots caused all of the soda to explode and hit Woody who continued to stroll his bloody and injured body across the supermarket aisle. Woody's skin began to slip off as he grew about two feet in height. "AHAHAHAH HAHAHAHA HHAHHAHAHAHAA!" He laughed, his trademark laugh, but it was deeper and more sinister. His real arms slid from underneath as being like claws that grabbed one of the police officers and snapped his neck in two seconds. Woody woodpecker sprouted wings and exploded as my VHS tape player cracked, popped and eventually fell to the floor. I could hear the tape popping violently as it rewinded on its own extremely fast and fell on its side.
I went over to see if there was anything wrong with the VHS player, but it had broken, and landed on both my PS4 and Xbox One, breaking both consoles in the process. What a dick move. I began to choke on my skitwix as I heard a rustling in the trees behind my yard.
Now I knew something was up. No homeless man would spend this much time in my yard without requesting change, and whoever that was had better damn well explain himself. I went over to the kitchen and turned on the water to wash the cholate off of my hands. I heard chittering and I peeked out the window. Someone had knocked my garbage cans over. And also, my pants were on the lawn, ripped at the seams around the crotch.
What the fuck? I ran into the bedroom to see the lock to the window sill had been jimmied open using what looked like a beak-shaped apparatus which was nowhere to be found. My clothing drawer had been jostled open and a long trail of clothing led over to the shed where I kept my tools. I never used the tools, I simply liked watching Home Improvement and pretending I was on tool time alone in there on weekends. I was sick of these fucking mind games. You wanna play crosswords? Pictionary? Here's some Sudoku for you, motherfucker. I pulled out a loaded rifle my uncle Remus had given me for just such an emergency.
I stormed out onto the lawn, toting my massive gun which I had never loaded or used. "Come a little closer" the voice whispered. I did come a little closer. And closer. I got right near the shed as I saw the tools hanging in a place where someone could easily knock a sledgehammer on my head. I leered over at the trees, horrified! Something had carved a message in them with its beak. And by a message, I mean a wooden cock.
Jesus Christ. "Stand under the tools." A voice whispered. I started to stroll toward the tools before realizing It could've been a trap! I stood far away from the tools as someone shook the shed, and the tools fell, cracking the floor. It shattered a festive melon I kept near the toolshed. "Hahaha, I guess you could say you really got 'ahead' in life." The voice whispered. I think the figure, whatever it was, thought that was my head. I yelled, and pulled out the rifle. It was a massive, bird-like woodpecker creature with claws, moth wings and violent chittering teeth! It looked exactly like the one in the cartoon, except it had a birthday hat on. It leered up like the fires from hell and smiled at me. I pulled the trigger on the rifle, as a tiny pop was heard.
It was a bb gun. The tiny bb barely pierced the skin of the creature, which picked up its meaty claws and ripped my pants off. It ripped off my cock and cock and replaced it with a wooden cock it had carved out of the trees. "Now who's the woodpecker." I just screamed out of pain and anguish at my missing cock and wooden apparatus. "Happy birthday!" A voice whispered, throwing confetti. And the creature tapdanced off into the pail moonlight, knocking over garbage cans, throwing handfuls of skittles and being a general dick to everyone including the trees. What an asshole. They say if you listen late at night, you can hear him at your bedroom window, threatening to rip your cock off and replace it with a wooden one. Watch out...
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Credited to Schizima
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