Yes, So Stop Asking Already

See also: Yeah, so quit asking!

I've been drifting along in this void for a very, very long time. I'm surrounded by my fellow abductees, most of whom are much older than I, though there is one fellow here who seems to be about my age. He won't stop crying about his girlfriend, or how he never got to finish, but I still don't know what he means by that.

But, perhaps I should start at the beginning. It all began on a sunny Wednesday afternoon. I had just finished negotiating a settlement with my client's ex-husband. Oh, yes, I'm a lawyer. Not that it matters now, no amount of litigation will get me out of here. I always liked to go for a walk after a case ends. It gave me time to reflect on my technique. So, I popped in my earbuds, blasted some Zepp, and started off down the well-traversed park walkway.

As I walked, I passed many things that used to rub me the wrong way. Children playing, people with those ridiculous bluetooth ear sets, those scruffy college-student jackasses playing ultimate frisbee to shitty acoustic soft rock. Now, though, I actually miss those things. Just seeing one unshaven face in a bright field of grass would be utterly beautiful now.

Near the end of my usual route, I passed by a park bench that was, more often than not, unoccupied. That day, however, there appeared to be a homeless man making his temporary home on it. As I walked past, he held out a grizzled hand, begging for any change I might have. I continued walking, as he wasn't worth my time. But, that day, I was feeling generous. I had just ended a major case, after all. I turned back around, rummaging in my pockets as I did so, only to be greeted by his face. I don't even know if you could call it a face, it looked like aged leather canvas stretched tight over a sphere of worms and larvae, which were oozing out of the eye holes. I leaped backward, but it didn't help me. His arms were long, easily five feet. He grabbed me and lifted my body into the air. His mouth opened wide into an expression of screaming, yet the only sound that issued forth was the unmistakable and terrifying sound of a dial-tone.

In my abject horror, the only thing I could manage to say as I was pulled into that gaping maw were the words...

"Oh...my god! YOU WERE PHOOOONE!?!"

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