Spongebob will destroy civilisation
If you're unlucky and/or foolish enough to browse modern Twitter for any extended period of time, you surely must have noticed that Spongebob is seemingly everywhere. Look at the replies of any tweet, and odds are they'll be a Spongebob screencap posted as a reaction. Any new memes always get edited into Spongebob footage. If a comparison of any kind is being made, it's a comparison towards something that happened in Spongebob.
This is not a good thing. In fact, there is not a negative adjective in the English language strong enough to properly articulate how catastrophic of a situation this is. Why? Because Spongebob will destroy civilisation. What you are seeing on Twitter is the stepping stones to society's complete and total collapse.
I beg you not to dismiss me as insane for saying that. In fact, I implore you to read on if you did. This is not a "theory", this is a warning. A warning for the entire human race to heed.
But let's back up a bit; Twitter users love Spongebob. To the point where it's actively rotting their brains away. You know exactly what I'm talking about: the mindless troglodytes who post "FOOD, WATER, NINTENDO DIRECT" under every Nintendo tweet. The ones who post the Mitten roller coaster when anyone tries to analyse media. The ones who can't express their opinion on anything without using something like "That's what we've been waiting for!" to speak for them.
It's the absolute lowest common denominator of internet culture; people constantly use Spongebob references as if they've never seen any other media in their life. In fact, they probably haven't even watched Spongebob in years, let alone even mentally registered it as a show. To them, Spongebob is just a series of images and quotes to parrot to one another in lieu of having a personality or any distinguishing characteristics.
This will eventually reach it's logical conclusion: Spongebob references will be the only way Twitter users communicate, superseding any other form of the English language. Why would they need anything else? The most interesting conversation they can muster is just grafting a frame of the show onto other people's posts.
With Twitter slowly bleeding users through Elon Musk's idiocy, it won't be long before these are the only people left to interact with one another, creating an endless feedback loop of reaction image replies. There will be no other form of conversation than Spongebob posting.
But will this be limited to just Twitter? Of course not. With Twitter interactions being posted on other social media all the time, this phenomenon will spread both across the entire internet and outside of it as well. People will walk the streets carrying printouts of Spongebob memes to respond with, the only words exiting their mouths being direct quotes from the show.
There is an important aspect I've neglected to mention: Viacom, the conglomerate that owns Nickelodeon. They are notoriously litigious as-is, and have probably been frothing at the mouth for the day they can exert legal action upon everyone who's posted a trite Spongebob reaction image without backlash. But with everyone on the planet communicating exclusively through the mouthpiece of a children's cartoon, it's the perfect opportunity give the DMCA a huge workout! At the YMCA
I mean, what the hell are people going to do, post an image of Mr. Krabs saying "I like money." in response? Spongebob screencaps can't be used to organise protest! It's NewSpeak, but infinitely more dystopian and depressing than George Orwell could have ever imagined. If you want to do as much as talk to another person, you'll have to bow down to Viacom's corporate whims.
And so the Viacom fascist empire flourishes. Stay in line, and you'll be given the mercy of "fair use", and get a star on the good egg board. Don't, and they'll strike you down, both legally and physically, before processing your corpse into Krabby Patty meat.
Of course, the world is littered with the ruins of empires that believed themselves to be eternal. Viacomtopia® will be no different, collapsing eventually. But not without taking away so much in the process. Lives, culture and art will be destroyed and suppressed on an unprecedented scale during their iron-fisted reign.
The aftermath, however, will be brief. Can humanity really be expected to rebuild society without the technology required to even watch the show that's now the basis of communication? As civilisation, and perhaps the human race itself, breathes it's last, there will be one thing that outlives it: Spongebob Squarepants himself.
He will still be present long after we all die through merchandise, memorabilia and memes. His effigies will still be scattered across the planet, with not a single person involved in making them remaining. It's already happening; the creator of Spongebob, Stephen Hillenburg, is dead with any other legacy he may have had being extinguished. It won't be long before his name is completely forgotten while his yellow talking sea sponge remains omnipresent, and that mortality and lack of legacy will extend to every human being that ever lives.
If extraterrestrials ever visit what's left of our planet, Spongebob will be the first thing that greets them. Once they figure out what exactly "Spongebob Squarepants" is, this vicious cycle repeats. Alien cultures will be infected beyond repair. The sponge will be squeezed above the whole universe.
You've probably already asked "Is it too late to stop this?". Even considering such a line of thinking is a waste of time. It isn't just "too late", it has been too late long before I made this horrific realisation. What did you think that "will" in the title was for? It is now as much of an inevitable chapter of the universe as Earth becoming uninhabitable or the sun going supernova.
Only much, much sooner.
DAHYAHYAHYAHYA!!!
Written by Yoshiatom
Content is available under CC BY-SA
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