Super Mario Genocide Run

I'm 23 years old and I've only been a Mario fan for a few years, and yet it feels like I've loved him forever. I own every Mario game that has ever been released (yes, this includes the "Mario Teaches Typing" games and "Hotel Mario") and every bit of merchandise that has ever been made. My parents aren't that supportive of my collection and would rather I go out and start looking for a husband than obsess over my favorite Italian plumber. Nevertheless, I consider Mario to be a huge deal... well, I did until a few months ago. That was when my life changed forever...

For my 24th birthday, I downloaded "Super Mario Run" onto my iPad as a gift for myself. Unsurprisingly, my parents weren't impressed. They kept going on and on about how I have no life whatsoever and how people like me are the scum of the earth. I hate when they go on tangents like that. Anyway, once I'd downloaded "Super Mario Run" for free, I started playing right away. However, I couldn't help but notice that something just wasn't right. When the title screen first came up, for example, I could've sworn I saw a picture of a mutilated man for a fraction of a second, but it might've just been my imagination.

After tapping the screen, a cutscene began to play. It started off almost identical to the opening cutscene from "Super Mario 64" but there were some minor differences. Normally in "Super Mario 64," Princess Peach would tell you to come over because she's just baked a cake; here, however, she said something terrible was happening over at the castle and she wanted you to be there as quickly as possible. The music seemed to be playing a few semitones down as well, but other than that, there was nothing relatively out of the ordinary here. I was kind of curious about what "something terrible" could mean, though. Soon, the cutscene was over and I found myself on the map. What I saw next shocked me to my very core. The whole kingdom (well, what was left of it anyway) seemed to be on fire and everyone was dying! Visceral screams of pain and agony could be heard all the time, but they were barely audible... almost like murmurs. It was a miracle that I could even hear them at all, let pick up any sound.

Anyway, I decided to go to the first level to see if it was any different than what I'd imagine. Surprisingly, nothing had changed. All the Goombas and Koopa Troopas seemed perfectly intact, as did everything else. Feeling relieved, I played the level all the way through, making sure to collect some special coins along the way and perform some kick-ass moves (like the wall jump). When that was over, I moved on to the next level. However, just as I started moving again, the whole game froze up for close to a minute. In that moment, everything stopped. My soul seemed to leave my body entirely, almost like an out-of-body experience, and I could've sworn a whole lifetime flew by me. Eventually, I shut it off and decided not to play it again for a while, figuring it might've been nothing more than a weird glitch. (What glitch would have innocent Toads dying, though? That's what I wanna know.) Maybe my parents were right. Maybe it was time to finally try to get my life together.

So six months, a boyfriend, and a baby on the way later, I decided to revisit "Super Mario Run" for old time's sake. Things started up normally and I was even able to beat the second level. By the time I'd made to the boss, I was so hyped that I thought I was going to piss myself, but that might've been the baby playing with my bladder.

That changed when Bowser finally showed up. He looked... off. His scales appeared to be rotting off on some places, even to the point where you could see bits of muscle and sinew poking through. His eyes were bloodshot to hell and his teeth were as sharp and white as they'd ever been. His shell was also chipping away bit by bit as he inched himself closer to Mario. I couldn't believe this. How could they let this shit slide? I shook it off and decided to keep playing. While I was landing hits on that green dragon bastard, I felt unstoppable. I felt like I could bash his brains in and splatter his guts all over the room... but then it happened. Just as Mario's foot made contact with Bowser's head, he grabbed him by the ankle and started slamming the Italian plumber on the bridge in all directions. I couldn't get away fast enough, and it ended as quickly as it had begun. So there Mario lay, contorted and bloody with some bone fragments breaking through his skin. He tried calling out to me for help, I think, but his voice was too hoarse and quiet for me to hear. I felt like I had to help him, like I had no other choice. And yet at the same time, I knew that he was just a collection of pixels and coding behind the screen of my iPad. I was totally helpless. Thankfully, I was thrust back to the beginning of the stage. So I managed to go through the whole castle again and even made sure to avoid Bowser that time, but just as I touched the axe, I felt a horrible pain shoot through my abdomen. Oh no, I wasn't going into labor, was I? It was too soon, way too soon. It had to have been just my imagination. About several minutes in, my boyfriend Skylar found me and ran to the hospital while cradling me in his arms.

I miscarried. A week later, Skylar left me for another girl, and he didn't even have the decency to tell me in advance. Nobody's been able to figure out what made me miscarry, but I believe it was that son-of-a-bitch Mario who did it. He's the one who took Skylar and Logan away from me. I will never forgive him for ruining my life, never. Mario is dead to me.

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