The One Where Ross Shows His True Colours

Friendship don't mean shit! This is a viewpoint which I have held for pretty much my entire life. To put in the bluntest way possible; I have never really had many friends. Most friends I ever did have were only friends with me because I'm pretty rich. Not to brag or anything. You see; I work as a sea captain on a boat which I named The Golden Dodo after my idol Colonel Dodo. More like false idol. One time, I met Colonel Dodo down at a bar in Hepburn, and he was very rude to me. He didn't even look me in the eyes, and he gave secret instructions to the waiters and waitresses to throw tennis balls at me. That bastard! Despite Dodo clearly hating my guts and even sending hitmen after me in an attempt to get me to change the name of my boat, I still continue to call it The Golden Dodo. The boat isn't even golden it's brown like dog shit. Now, I don't use my boat to go sailing or anything like that. No instead I actually hold a social club of sorts on the very top of the boat inside the captain's quarters. I intended for my social club to be the social club to end all social clubs, but sadly this just wasn't the case at all. This mainly due to the fact that I charged an incredibly generous 60 grand entry fee for anyone who wanted membership, and then of course there was also the fact that in reality my boat didn't even really belong to me. In reality, my boat belonged to local mobster and Joseph Stalin lookalike; Massimo Torini.

In 2005, Massimo Torini was running a vehicle rental shop down on the coast. I was a very stupid man back then so I decided that this was my only chance of ever getting my own boat. Massimo tried offering me a helicopter and a Rolls Royce, but I wasn't interested in that. I wanted a boat, and told Massimo all about my love for Colonel Dodo and my love for sitting on the dock of the bay and watching the tide fade away. That's when Massimo told me that he had just the thing. Oh! That Massimo Torini was a tight fisted hand at the pebble as he tried to con me with a rubber dingy built for two, but I saw through his ruse and demanded that he either give me a boat worthy of sitting in or else I would simply take my business else where. "You certainly are a hard bargainer ya know that?" Stalin... I mean Torini asked as he went into the very backroom of the vehicle rental shop. Not even two seconds had gone by, as Torini came crashing through the walls of the shop riding on a boat. These days, my boat is viewed as second rate compared to other boats. However back in 2005 this boat was considered the shit. If such terms could be used and I think they can be. That's when I realised that I had a problem. I was very skint due to me owing money to a lot of powerful Russian gangsters in the area, but Massimo God bless him he don't let a little thing like that get in the way! So, Massimo decided that he would become a regular visit to my boat, and this became a big problem as he would often aim his shotgun at the guests of my boat in an attempt to tax them for their sweet car insurance. The utter bastard! Not there like there's many attendants to the club anyway. In fact, the only people attending the social club are my old whaling buddies Captain Birdseye and Cap'n Crunch.

Cap'n Crunch was currently not held in very high regard after his foolish antics down in the Court Centre led to the Peanut Butter Crunch recipe getting stolen by a bunch of cynical birds. This led to Quaker Oats ordering a hit on Cap'n Crunch, but he was able to cover his tracks by bribing senior FBI agent Dave Norton who in turn tricked Quaker Oats into thinking that Cap'n Crunch had died in a cereal deal gone horribly wrong. Problems arose however when the Soggies learned that Crunch was making moves in Croydon, and so Crunch once again needing to cover his tracks got into the Crunch Mobile, and made his way down to the port. Unable to buy a boat out of fear of the attention it would bring, Cap'n Crunch opted instead to join my social club. Meanwhile, Captain Birdseye who runs a private gun shop over in Kingston, Empire Bay opted to join my social club after he poke his eye out on a tree branch. One chilly afternoon in Empire Bay, Birdseye was walking home from his favourite bar when he ended up walking face first into an old oak tree. The tree branch went straight through Birdseye's left eye. Oddly. Birdseye didn't seem all that bothered about the loss of his eye as he then proceeded to spend the next two hours telling the oak tree all about how his new Birdseye fish fingers are now £4.99. That's corporate generosity right there that is! Well at least that's when Captain Birdseye claimed that happened anyway, as according to my informants; Birdseye was seen last week doing a crossword puzzle and he had both of his eyes in tact. So I smell a bit of bullshit if you don't mind me saying! Now you see; the problem of being on a boat full of men is that you think about men. Know what I mean?

Now, my social club is all about friendship, and we do loads of really smelly activities which are intended to help make my town a safer place. Our activities include sticking pictures of fish onto people's apartments, stealing trampolines from local supermarkets, and whaling. Don't tell Ahab will ya? Over time, myself, Cap'n Crunch, and Birdseye got to become really good friends. However, I still just wasn't satisfied enough with having only two people in my social club. So, instead of paying Massimo back his money, I decided to buy a series of luxury items in order to help increase the appeal of my club to the masses. I bought an old rusty microphone, Christmas lights which are so fucking bright that they'll make you blind, and a brand new door which is painted black. I don't want any colours I want it all painted black. I also got myself a rolling stone which sits on top of the door, and the way it works is that if anyone tries to enter the social club unannounced the rolling stone will roll on top of them. Effectively making them a squashed pancake! In fact, I was so worried about people potentially robbing me that I even went as far as to hire my very own security guard in the form of Squidward Tentacles. Sadly, this didn't last very long as one day some bastard teenage hoods decided to yell into the microphone which caused Squidward who was listening on the other side to have his ear drums literally burst out of his head. I was then forced under threat of death to pay for Squidward's medical bills much to my chagrin.

Once Massimo Torini caught wind about me buying expensive shit, he went ape and demanded that I pay him tribute. The night after Squidward's visit to the hospital, I received a call from Massimo who was not a very happy Easter Egg. In that moment, Massimo lost all care and control and gave in full vent to his anger. "Such disrespect! I'm not asking for much from you my boy! Just enough to wet my beak!" "What are a fucking parrot?" I joked but Massimo did not find that funny whatsoever. Massimo demanded that I pay him £60,000 by the end of the week, but I informed Massimo that I was skint at the moment. The phoneline went silent for a brief moment until I heard Massimo said, "hmm well then perhaps instead of that maybe my son Salvatore could join your club just for a day. Is that cool with ya?" "Yes of course Massimo what's he..." I was rudely cut off as Massimo had already hung up the phone. He was quite the bastard that Massimo Torini ya know? Don't judge him though buddy as his mother used to make him trim his moustache with a cat scale. A cat scale!? Who the fuck does that? So, the following morning at dawn, myself and Captain Birdseye working on preparing the social club for the arrival of Torini and his son Salvatore. Even though it was the middle of August, we decided to put up some extra Christmas decorations because Massimo reminded me of Santa Clause with that moustache of his. Little did I know how much Massimo Torini hated that damn moustache. He hated it because in high school people used to run up to him and squeeze that damn moustache. They used to squeeze it like a Turkish garden hose.

After getting everything set up for Torini and his son's arrival, I went out to the bow of my boat, and began smoking a cigarette when I spotted something on the horizon it looked to be a small rowing boat. I pulled a pair of binoculars out from my ear, and looked through them. Using the binoculars, I was able to see Salvatore Torini and some sailor rowing towards us. "Hey sailor ahoy!" Sal proclaimed while waving his hand about. "Oh fuck! Cap'n Crunch turn the boat around!" I commanded at the top of my lungs. Cap'n Crunch then tried his darn best to stir the boat into the other direction, but it was no use as Salvatore and the sailor had already managed to climb onboard. "Hello there!" Sal proclaimed very happily. I was nearly sick and I tried to hold it in. I ended up vomiting all over the bloody bow, and that's when Sal's sailor buddy introduced himself as being a cruise ship captain named Kevin Cruise. Well his birth name was something like Spiffy Biffy, but Kevin changed his name once he started performing stand up shows on cruise ships all along the south Canadian border. Well it was more to the North to be exact, but whatever such exact of details aren't entirely necessary now are they friend?

I then proceeded to give Salvatore a tour of the social club. Inside the club, we have a polar bear skin rug because fuck polar bears one of those fools ate my laundry mat dealer's foot clean off, we also had an old 1930's record player, two pieces of eight, and a pack of lambcaster gum which was stuck to the disco ball which we had hanging from the ceiling. There was also a rotten stench coming from the fridge which we kept in the main area of the club along with a toilet. Sometimes, the shrimp goes right through you so we had a toilet installed into the living room for when times get heated. "So what's the plan for tonight then home boy?" Kevin inquired in a rather arrogant tone which seems very out of place for someone of his portfolio, but I decided to ignore it. "Well... it's Tuesday night and we usually go out whaling on Tuesdays." Captain Birdseye said while smoking from a pipe. "Really? Well I was kind of hoping we'd watch a DVD or making macaroni art, sing campfire songs, or maybe even..." "STOP!" I yelled at the very top of my lungs as my bloody heart just couldn't take all these cringy suggestions that Sal was making. Also, I should probably mention that Sal though he was only in his early to mid twenties kept wheezing and coughing. Probably ate too many pork rinds, and we've all been there at least once in our lives. I know I certainly have but the question is have you?

Curious, I then decided to ask Sal what DVD he would plan on watching. "Well my father got me this Friends DVD from his friend over in Atlantic Quays." Sal explained as he reached inside his hat and removed a very skinny looking DVD case. He handed the DVD over to me. Oh man the DVD! It looked bloody terrible! The cover had a poorly drawn picture of some pineapples brutally murdering an apple in the middle of the park. What on Earth does that have to do with Friends? Meanwhile, the back of the DVD showcased a picture of Cap'n Crunch doing the can can. The can can is a dance move which involves you sticking your entire body inside a trash can, and then sticking your feet through the bottom of the trash can. Once you've done that you need to answer 7 riddles while dancing to a really horrid 1960's jazz song which may or may not have been really made in an underground studio apartment in the summer of 2004 by a fat sweaty fish who used to go by the name of The Real Steven Spielberg on Reddit a couple years back. This was of course until the real Steven Spielberg threatened to throw his shoes at the fish. A shoe for you! Anyways, I am actually a really big fan of Friends. If you haven't seen the show before, then I'm sorry if this sounds rude but you can honestly just fuck right off? Don't come back to read this story until you've watched all 10 seasons and all 236 episodes! Also, make sure to watch the Madagascar trilogy which stars David Schwimmer as Melman the Giraffe and is essential viewing for anyone worthy enough to earn their salt and pepper. Maybe even their paprika.

We decided to watch the DVD on the very bow of the ship, and I had Birdseye and Cap'n Crunch prepare some seats which we had recently stolen from the local cinema. Meanwhile, Kevin Cruise was in charge of setting up the DVD player with Salvatore. At that moment, another ship pulled up alongside us, and who should be driving the ship but none other than Captain Ahab himself? Ahab pulled out a megaphone and asked, "have you seen him? "Who?" Sal asked dumbfounded as he was busy putting up some more Christmas lights for some strange reason. "The monster Moby Dick. Listen here and listen well for here's a warning I may tell about a monster of the sea who goes by the name of Moby." Ahab warned. "Moby what?" Captain Birdseye joked as he began laughing hysterically. "Keep laughing asshole you just keep laughing. Well if you see that bastard of a whale I'll be the one laughing. Oh yes, I'll be laughing all the way to the bank." And with that, Captain Ahab and his boat; the Pequod disappeared from our sight. Following Ahab's departure, I demanded that Kevin Crunch hurry the fuck up with setting that damn DVD. "Patience friend!" Kevin proclaimed a little too happily for my taste. I got sick again as Kevin Cruise FINALLY popped the DVD into the damn DVD player. We then proceeded to sit ourselves down and helped ourselves to some old boxes of popcorn. The popcorn came from an old rundown warehouse on Mohawk Avenue which had abandoned since oh 1925 I believe. I'm sure the popcorn is totally safe though. Well I say that even though Sal and Birdseye started coughing out their lungs after taking just one bite of the little poppers. Whatever, I'm sure they'll be fine. After all, I did say it wasn't onion paste not didn't I buddy? Yes I certainly did!

The DVD started but nothing happened. The DVD player was on, but there was no picture on the projector. I threw a shoe at the DVD player which caused the bloody thing to start shooting out Genco Pura Olive Oil as the DVD started by showing the main theme song to Friends. Well it was more like a sick twisted parody of the intro. In one scene, Monica was shown removing her head and then bouncing it around like a beach ball, Joey was shown making out with a salmon who was believe it or not an acclaimed ITV actor during the 1970's, Chandler was shown dancing with a chandelier which had a human face on it for some reason, Rachel was shown stuffing three leaf clovers into her hair, and finally Ross was shown staring at the screen with a very sinister expression. Also, Phoebe's hair was 1% blonder than normal which made me vomit very aggressively. I mean how could it not? Something meaning 1% more than it should be would be enough to make anyone vomit out their lunch. Also during the part where the group sit in front of the fountain, the water in the fountain was actually lava, and it ended up pouring out and killing all the friends in the process safe for Joey who was chatting up with an ostrich for some bizarre reason.

The episode then began with Ross sitting in his apartment drinking a beer. However, Ross did not look very happy in fact he looked very smelly. This was certainly not the Ross that I knew. I was so scared by Ross's blank expression that I tried to make a run for it, but I was held down by Sal who looked at me with a very smelly face as he asked, "what's your hurry Murray?" "Hey come on kid it can't be that bad!" Captain Birdseye joked though I could tell deep down he was just as afraid as I was. At that moment, Joey and Chandler came into the apartment, but Ross didn't even seem to notice them, and even if he did he certainly made no effort to even acknowledge their presence. Chandler was the first to break the uncomfortable silence when he asked, "so Ross you still up for what we talked about yesterday?" "What are you talking about?" Ross asked in a very gruff nasally voice which sounded nothing at all like Ross' normal annoying voice. Chandler then went on to explain that two days prior, Ross has agreed to accompany him and Joey on a fishing trip. Ross didn't seem to recall ever agreeing to go along with that so he asked in a rather arrogant tone of voice, "I Ross Gellar would I agree to a thing like that?" "Well you did so..." Joey was cut off as Ross grabbed him by the neck and then pinned him to the wall. "You and Chandler get the f out of here Joey!" Ross yelled in the most angry voice I'd ever heard. Fearing for their lives, Joey and Chandler ran out of the apartment screaming like mad men. It's also worth noting that Ross' eye brows were thicker than sick and were so bloody big you could probably land a jumbo jet on them!

The screen then transitioned to show Chandler and Joey running into Central Perk where they ran into Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe. Now, something I found weird about this whole scene was that Phoebe was shown playing Shrek 2 on Xbox. Now could that be anything other than blatant DreamWorks propaganda. What did DreamWorks sponsor this episode or something? Joey and Chandler then proceeded to each take turns telling their stories to the girls who were very shocked at what the pair were telling them. "Well that doesn't sound anything like Ross at all." Monica remarked as she clutched her cup of coffee tightly. "I have an idea." Rachel said as she then continued with, "me and Monica will follow Ross around the city tomorrow, and see if there's something or perhaps even someone that's bothering him. It's just not like Ross to lose his head like that." "Well you're certainly right there." Joey remarked. It's also quickly worth noting that there was no laugh track, and there were also no other patrons in the café apart from the friends of course. Anyways, Rachel and Monica were then shown sitting inside of Rachel's car waiting in vain for Ross to finally leave his apartment.

For the next scene, Rachel and Monica followed Ross around New York City, but they couldn't for the life of them find anything to be too out of the ordinary. Ross had a coffee at Central Perk, and caught the subway to Brooklyn where he attended a yoga class with Peter Clemenza. "What would Ross be doing hanging out with a Corleone capo?" Rachel asked. According to Monica, Ross had began spending a great time with Clemenza and his yoga class in order to help improve his personality as well as to possibly give him a gangster physique. Seeking more information, the pair followed Ross as he had a leisurely late night supper at Patsy's: his favourite Italian restaurant. Reporting back to the others in the morning, Rachel explained that she and Monica had found nothing out of the ordinary about Ross. In fact, Monica went on to explain that the only thing worth mentioning was that Ross now had a sudden fascination with cheese. At one point, Ross paid a visit to a cheese farm in Stanton Island. The smell of the cheese farm was so apparently so bad it caused Rachel's face to turn green like Shrek, and for my eyes to water. I was a proud investor in Smellavision ya see? This meant that I could smell the smelly cheese right through the projector. I vomited so much vomit it filled the entire boat. We would have drowned, but Cap'n Crunch managed to push my sick into the cold crystal blue ocean below deck. "Terrifying isn't it?" Cap'n Crunch asked rhetorically whilst pulling the smuggest voice you'd ever see. Satisfied with Rachel and Monica's rather lacklustre information regarding Ross, Joey opted to invite Ross around for a party at his apartment. The party was intended to celebrate Joey's purchase of a brand new toaster which was shaped like Squidward's head. Oh Squidy what has Joey done to you? I'll have his head for this!

To make a long short short, the house party ended up going terribly. Ross was very rude and he insulted pretty anyone who even dared to look at him funny. He even insulted the local Pak Lan who was there as Joey's guest of honour. Joey was horrified when Phoebe informed him about Ross pissing off the local Pak Lan. "Oh man your ears look like fucking garden hoses!" Ross mocked. The Pak Lan was very self conscious about his floppy ears, and this was the real reason why he had never married despite fast approaching the age of 55. The local Pak Lan then announced that his deal with Joey was officially cancelled. You see; the reason why Joey had invited the Pak Lan over to his apartment was because the Pak Lan was looking for a star for a sitcom he was planning on creating called, "Young At Fart." The show would be about an aspiring actor who is forced by his step parents to join a cheese cake factory where he meets a group of high school drop outs. They all team up to become the best actors in town with help from special guest star Solomon Richard, and there would be lots of training montages! The main character was exactly like Joey. He wouldn't even need to act! Angered over Ross costing him his deal with the Pak Lan and his chance to make it big, Joey forcibly evicted Ross and the entire rest of the party from his apartment.

After everyone left the apartment, Joey then decided that he would put matters into his own hands, and he started to follow Ross back to his own apartment. Upon reaching said apartment, Ross turned around to face Joey and asked, "you think I don't know you're following me?" "Dude what's up with ya?" Joey asked before continuing with, "you just don't seem to be like yourself at all lately that's all." "Oh I'm fine Joey in fact I'm better than fine. Since you're here buddy would you like to spend the night?" Ross asked, and Joey agreed happily. Before heading to bed, Ross gave Joey strict warnings to not go inside the fridge, and that if Joey needed a snack there was food around the place. After getting tucked into his sleeping bag, Joey's curiosity eventually became far too much for him to be able to handle, and so he crept all fours towards the kitchen. I mean what could Ross possibly be hiding in the fridge that was so important? Joey needed to find out what Ross was hiding and fast! Perhaps it could be the answer to the sudden change in Ross' mood as of late. Once inside of the kitchen, Joey made his way over to the fridge, and opened it. He couldn't believe what he saw, and neither could I! Inside the fridge lay the unmistakeable dead body of Ross Gellar. He had been dead for awhile it would seem as his skin was green and rotten, and his eyes were bulging out like some kind of Luca Brasi. "Well if that's Ross then whose..." Joey's words were cut off as he heard someone knocking on the front door, Joey reluctantly answered the door, and was delighted when he saw Phoebe was there to greet him.

Phoebe was holding a red velvet cake, and explained that she wanted to give it to Ross in order to make up for the bad week he was been having. Joey clutched onto Phoebe tightly as he began sobbing heavily. "Joey what's the matter? What's the story? What's the word humming bird?" Phoebe inquired curiously. I chuckled a bit at Phoebe's little song, but this caused Joey to glare at the screen. It lasted only a brief moment, but it managed to make me feel incredibly uneasy. "Phoebe you've got to see this!" Joey cried at the top of his lungs as he then proceeded to show Phoebe the inside of the fridge. Phoebe nearly gasped when she saw the dead body of Ross. "But if that's Ross then whose...." Phoebe was cut off as Joey said, "look I don't know but something's not quite right here. I mean did Ross' father own a bike?" "The fuck does that have to do with anything?" Phoebe asked. At that moment, a tall figure came out from the shadows behind Joey and Phoebe, and asked in a cold dark voice, "do you think this is a problem?" Joey turned around only to get greeted with a sledge hammer to his face killing him instantly. Phoebe reacted instantly by throwing the red velvet cake she was still holding at Ross' face. This only served to make him all the more angry, and he ended up strangling Phoebe with his bare hands. Phoebe looked terrified as Ross' teeth became sharp like knives, as he then joked, "is there a draft in here?" Still got a sense of humour Ross I see! And with that, Ross ate Phoebe in one big bite as he said, "now to deal with those fools Monica, Rachel, and Chandler."

Baffled by Joey and Phoebe's sudden disappearance, Rachel and Monica were dead set on heading straight to the NYPD, but Chandler had other ideas. He suggested asking Ross about it, and though initially reluctant Rachel eventually agreed to go with the pair. Arriving at Ross' apartment, Ross appeared to have returned to normal as he was hosting a small BBQ inside of his apartment's living room for some bizarre reason. "A BBQ and you didn't even think to invite us?" Monica joked but Ross didn't laugh. Then again her joke was pretty fucking terrible, and Monica should know better before making such terrible bloody jokes. So, Rachel then did a little walk around Ross' apartment before eventually deciding to grab a beer from the fridge. That's when she saw Ross' dead body just sitting in there. That's when Rachel felt a handgun touch the back of her head. Turning around, Rachel came face to face or at least someone who looked exactly like Ross. "Who the fuck are you? What the fuck have you done with Ross?" Rachel asked. "Ain't it obvious Rachel?" The Ross imposter asked rhetorically as he then continued with, "the real Ross was killed by me a long time ago, so I could take his place and lure you all into a trap." "Why would you do that?" Rachel asked as the Ross imposter responded, "because Rach to be frank; I'm sick and tired of seeing you pesky fools running around New York like you're the best of friends. We don't need that shit!" At that moment, Chandler and Monica came in with Chandler eating a carrot cake I think. Though to be honest with you, it looked more like a human foot or perhaps maybe some Burger King foot lettuce. Now that's the last thing I'd want on my Burger King burger I tell ya!

The Ross imposter not wanting to have to relay the story to Chandler and Monica instead decided to finally show it's true form. The Ross imposter pulled it's hair back revealing it have a large zipper on it's forehead. Removing the zipper, the skin suit of Ross fell to the ground. "Bought it from a skin shop over in Bikini Bottom back in 97. Thought it would come in handy one of these days." The imposter said as it fully revealed itself to the friends. It was... um drum roll please... actually don't that makes me feel very self conscious. The imposter was Rap Rat the entire time. It all made sense now; Ross's sudden love of cheese, rude attitude towards his close friends, murderous tendencies, and making a BBQ without inviting anyone. It all made sense. Rap Rat then began dancing like a mad man as he proclaimed, "I'm the talk of the town. I'm history in the making, and I'm yours for the taking!" Chandler attempted to run past which led to Rap Rat cutting his ear off with his claw. "WAIT YOUR TURN!" Rap Rat yelled at the very top of his lungs. Rap Rat then proceeded to grab hold of Rachel, and went out of the apartment window with her. Once outside of the window, Rap Rat then proceeded to climb his way up towards the rooftops with Rachel in his claws. "What is that sick psycho playing?" Chandler asked while watching the whole scene unfold from Ross' apartment window. "Oh gee Chandler I don't know Tetris!" Monica joked as she began making some phone calls. For some reason, the laugh track FINALLY decided to kick in after Monica had told that joke. The laugh track was so loud, and I could tell that it was only one guy laughing. He sounded very wheezy, and I had no doubt he probably had tuberculous. Isn't that swell? Actually no that's really sad that I feel like quite the scumbag for having said that remark! #

A helicopter then appeared above the apartment complex, and who should be driving it than none other than Billy Bob Tanley and his BFF Otis. The helicopter was a proper military helicopter and it even had machine guns attached to it. Tanley then proceeded to let fire on the machine gun, and yelled, "hey Spud give me some beer!" Using the helicopter, Billy Bob Tanley was able to fire at least 1000 rounds into Rap Rat's body, but it was no use and they had no effort and only seemed to make Rap Rat all the more angry. Thinking quickly, Billy Bob Tanley turned to face Otis and asked, "is there any more beer in the back Otis?" "Yeah man." Otis said as he handed Billy a big keg of beer. Billy wiped a tear from his eye as he threw the keg of beer directly at Rap Rat's face. Even as a young rat even before earning his dreaded swollen mouth, Rap Rat always had a fear of beer, and the mere impact of the beer touching his face was enough to send Rap Rat flying off the apartment complex. He dropped Rachel, but she was rescued by a band of fireman who may or may not be on the Molinari Family's payroll. Only time will tell however, but don't worry because trust me I keep an active file. Wink. Rap Rat fell hours upon hours and screamed in pain as he finally made contact with the cold hard pavement.

With help from aforementioned FBI agent Dave Norton, Rachel, Chandler, and Monica all got new identities and went into the witness protection program. The trio were moved to North Yankton where they got jobs as stand up comics in a smoky little bar called The Smokey Burrito. Ironically, the bar served no burrito's but they certainly served tennis balls, and you already know how I feel about them. The episode then ended with no credits, but a small scene was shown of Rap Rat at the coroner's. On the autopsy table, Rap Rat's eyes began to flicker and then they opened. As the screen cut to black, a male voice could be heard saying in the background in an overly serious tone; "he's Rap Rat and he's the boss." Disgusted, I pulled out a shotgun and shot at the projector destroying it instantly. I intended on doing the exact same to the DVD itself, but Cap'n Crunch and Birdseye had other ideas. "Oh really and what is that?" I inquired as Captain Birdseye suggested selling the DVD to President Jesus Quesadilla. "What a terrible suggestion!" I remarked whole slapping Birdseye across the face six times when all of the sudden the boat began to rock violently from side to side. "Whoa what's happening?" Captain Birdseye asked. Elsewhere, Salvatore who had climbed his way into the crow's nest cried, "whale! Whale!" "Could it be the one they call Moby Dick?" I asked myself as Captain Birdseye and Cap'n Crunch readied their harpoons. "Time to earn some whale blubber!" Cap'n Crunch proclaimed as he began throwing harpoons at thin air. Cap'n Crunch is obsessed with whale blubber, and loves to rub it all over his moustache. It smells his moustache stay smooth and soft like a bar of butterfly soap.

The whale was exactly what Captain Ahab had described... which was in a deleted scene of course, the whale was white as the moon, and eyes black as my back tooth. I named it Moe. This so called Moby Dick seemed to be unstoppable as Cap'n Crunch and I managed to land six harpoons into the whale's back, but they had no effect. That's when Moby Dick leaped out of the ocean, and flopped on top of my DVD player completely destroying it and the Friends DVD in the process. "There goes my chance to sue Birdseye!" Captain Birdseye cried in despair as he then sank to his knees. "What are you talking about?" Cap'n Crunch asked to which Birdseye responded with, "those pricks replaced me as their mascot with a talking bear named Jimmy Montgomery. He's a proper creepy polar bear who sits in people's fridges and tries to seduce them by posing like that broad from Titanic. It also doesn't help that the prick sounds like Willem Dafoe." Just as I thought the entire boat was about to go under, I ran over to the front of the boat and saw that Moby Dick was swimming towards the sunset while really smelly music played in the background. It was so fucking smelly in fact that I ended up vomiting all over Salvatore. He didn't seem mind however, and looked rather stupid. Then again looks can be deceiving especially when Salvatore Torini is involved. I say that when I've only known the bugger for like less than a hour. Suddenly, I could smell something burning. Now at first like any rational person out there, I assumed it to be someone burning their ham of course, but I quickly realised that the boat was on fire. Thankfully, we had plenty of life boats on board so we were all able to escape the burning boat unscathed.

Upon reaching dry land, Salvatore pointed a shotgun to me as he said, "time's up Captain Lancaster." "Time's up... what uh oh you bastard! You were playing me this entire time wasn't ya?" I asked as Salvatore proclaimed, "why of course I was. I mean how could it be otherwise? My father knew you would never get him the money back for his boat so he hired me to lure you into a trap." Salvatore then continued with, "I used that Friends DVD in order to distract you. While we were bust watching the DVD, Kevin Cruise made a deal with the one they call Moby Dick." Basically, Kevin using a scuba diving outfit went under the sea, and ran into Moby Dick who was playing Twister in the middle of the Easter Basin. Kevin tricked Moby into thinking that I helped Ahab with hunting down Moby's mother Mother Dick back in the Summer to end all Summers. Back when Ahab had two legs, and no one had to pay for air! Moby Dick destroyed the DVD while Sal's homie LB threw some Molotov cocktails at the back of my boat while I was busy vomiting my guts out all over Salvatore. "Okay... so what uh happens now?" I asked only to feel something hit the back of my head. I blacked out, and when I awoke I found myself on another boat just north of Bikini Bottom. It was some kind of summer camp, or at least that's what Captain Birdseye claimed it was. I'd rather be watching that bootleg Friends episode again than to be subjected to this line of torture!

Salvatore Torini was truly an evil bastard as he forced me and my friends to make macaroni art. He was also very patronising as he would often get right up in your face while you were busy working. "Oh that's very good Birdie!" Sal had proclaimed which caused Birdseye to start breaking down and to start crying into his smelly sleeve which was covered in pot noodle sauce. Don't even think about trying to escape as this causes Sal to look at you with the smelliest face you ever did see. It's so fricking bad it will cause a red gaping hole to appear in your chest. The only way to make the hole disappear is to sit your ass back down and to carry on with your damn macaroni art. Now believe it or not, Cap'n Crunch and I actually managed to escape for a brief moment, and we even managed to get on a rubber dinger built for two and we promised Captain Birdseye that we would come back for him as soon as the time was out. We barely got out even two yards before Sal and Kevin Cruise cam rowing after us. Those two bastards pulled us back onto the boat. I'd rather get eaten by a shark or maybe even have my leg chewed off by that monster Moby Dick than having to spend another minute on that fucking boat with Salvatore Torini and Kevin Cruise!

So it's like I said at the beginning really; friendship don't mean shit! If I hadn't bothered founding my social club, and tried my best to make friends then none of this would have ever happened! How could I ever have been so stupid? I should have been smarter. I deserved better, and I know that deep down I am capable of making smarter decisions than this! Well readers it's been fun, but I got to go. It's time for us to sing camp fire songs. That bastard Sal is so cruel he makes you sing on your own even if you have an addiction to painkillers. Also, Sal doesn't believe in medication so he'll throw your meds into the sea, and laugh at you as you die from a stomach ulcer. So, all that stuff you hear about Salvatore Torini making things better for Bikini Bottom, don't you believe a word of it! He may think his reputation is safe, but one day I'll get him and his bastard father back for this! I can promise you that my duckies!

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Credited to Oliver Charles 

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