A Case Of Salmonella (House Of Mouse Lost Episode)
Name's Dorian. Dorian Tyrell. Listen up bucko we got a lot to discuss, and a short time to do it so I really hope that you're paying very close attention. I'm only going to tell this once after all. I am the proud owner of a nightclub named The Monkey's Paw. The club is based in Birkland, and tell a lie I don't actually own the club per say as it's really owned by my boss Niko. Well at least it used to be, but we'll talk more about that later. Now, Niko is known as the official ruler of Birkland, and he holds more power than a tail catcher. Don't ever walk your dog past a tail catcher less you want them to become tailless. I have worked for Niko for years and have known him for even longer. Over the years, I've slowly climbed my way up through the ranks of Birkland's criminal underworld to become Niko's right-hand man and principal lieutenant. As his trusted lieutenant, Niko has assigned me to run the Monkey's Paw. He had named the club Monkey's Paw after his idol PG Tips Monkey. Niko had been a protégé for Monkey back when he was training to become a tea monk. As a tea monk, you are required to shove PG Tips teabags into your mouth as you ring the bells. Ring the bells and let the gargoyles sing! Sadly, Niko's plans to become a monk all fell apart. No one is quite sure how it happened, but Niko returned to Birkland where he became the ruthless crime lord that we all know today. Though Monkey cut ties with Niko following his return to Birkland, Niko opted to honour his former mentor by naming his nightclub after him. Oh how sweet and quaint.
Despite being Niko's most loyal and most fearsome subordinate, I am not treated very well by him. He treats me like scum and loves to taunt me by having his men push me down onto the ground. From above, Niko swings a golf club in front of my face as he goes on and on about how I'm attracting more too much police attention. Niko desperately wants to have me capped, but he offered to give me a chance to earn my salt. Basically, Niko would allow for me to walk away free if I was able to get the Monkey's Paw generating more profit. In recent months, the Monkey's Paw has really been falling behind in profits ever since we took over actually. Originally, the club was named The Blue Tick and was owned by an incredibly dangerous meatball eating motherfucker known as The Swede. Funny thing is that the guy wasn't even Swedish. After a violent shootout between Niko's men and The Swede's men, we were able to take control of the newly renamed Monkey's Paw. Thereafter, I was elected the owner of the club by Niko but he still owned the documents. Whatever the fuck that means. Now, I have been trying my best to attract more customers to the club by hosting a variety of different charity events sponsored by The Mickey Mouse Charity Foundation themselves. Heck, I've even tried making plays as the play is the thing after all. Sadly, the plays shown at Monkey's Paw never do very well, and this may have something to do with the fact that our plays are... well for lack of a better word complete shit!
For example, I made a play entitled, "Deflate A Mouse." Despite the title, there were no mice involved in this play. The plot of the play was about a butch security guard played by Rabe Maniels who wished to join the choir. He was thwarted in his efforts by a gang of singing bishops who wanted the guard to join them and become a man of the cloth. There was also a subplot involving a fat chipmunk named Chilly Charlie who wishes to become a gangster and becomes involved with the Cartel. The Cartel force Chilly Charlie to hide a series of tubes from the police. The Cartel planned on using the tubes to bring their cookie master back from the dead. Known as Mr Lyman, the cookie master was the only one who could the security guard from joining the choir. The Cartel also had it out for the guard for unknown reasons. The play wasn't very good, and this was mainly because of Niko. He insisted that I tone down the darker elements of my original screenplay and make the play more fun for general audiences. He also demanded that the security guard's mother become a whimpering Mary Sue rather than the tight fisted snarky character written in my screenplay. To get back at Niko for his meddling, I added a silver tongued troll named Niko into the play. As a result of the confusing plot and terrible songs, Deflate A Mouse was met with highly negative reviews and it ever performed one show much to my chagrin. After the colossal failure of Deflate A Mouse, I was summoned to Birkland Steel Works to attend an audience with the big man himself; Niko!
During the meeting, I tried to act cool by asking, "yo Mr Niko what's going on bro?" Niko eyed his two henchmen, and they pinned me down onto the ground and stuffed a golf ball and tee into my mouth. Swinging his golf club in front of my face tauntingly, Niko asked, "your play cost me a great deal of money Dorian. I'm very cross with you. I think's you need to be taught a lesson!" Niko then hit the ball and the tee out from mouth causing me to yelp in pain. I got up from the floor as Niko rubbed my face affectionately as he then said, "I'm fed up with you Dorian, but I will give you a break. One week to leave Birkland. After that, I will have to break out my brand new cheese grater." I became very fearful as I was then escorted out of the Steel Works by Niko's gorilla henchmen. Niko was going to use said cheese grater to grate my face into salad dressing. He would then sell this brand new patterned Tyrell Salad Dressing to cynical college professors all the way in Boss Town. Not wanting that to happen, I thought that it would be best to leave town immediately, but my best friend and possible lover Doctor Freeze had other ideas. And no, despite his name, Doctor Freeze was ironically not a doctor. He was actually a bishop and part-time hitman for yours truly. Much like me, Freeze despised Niko and he had asked for my help in overthrowing him and stealing his empire right from under him. I felt this would be a very stupid thing to do considering the fact that Niko has the entire city of Birkland in the palm of his hand. Doctor Freeze's eyes became sly as he placed his hand around my shoulder before saying, "you're talking to the doctor here. Listen here and listen well, for I have got a plan." "Oh really and what is that plan exactly?" I asked with an annoyed tone as Freeze took me for a little walk in the park.
Doctor Freeze had a plan, and a cunning one at that. Recently, Freeze's friend Caramel Joe had gotten his hands on a horrid bootleg episode. "What's the significance in that?" I asked as Freeze and I walked along the riverbank. "Well you see; Niko and his boys are hosting this big shin dig at The Monkey's Paw this Saturday. So, I figure why don't we give them a little something that they shall never ever forget." I grinned ear to ear as I quickly put two and two together. Freeze planned on showing the aforementioned bootleg to Niko so that he might die of shock. Oh how cunning Doctor! For all his power and status in the city, Niko had one fatal flaw. Both he and his men were allergic to bootlegs. No I'm being deadly serious here buddy. There's not a single one of Niko's men who isn't allergic to bootlegs. Not a single one! Bootlegs are incredibly dangerous and Niko knows fully well of their power and the effect they have on him. One time, Niko used a really horrid SpongeBob bootleg to kill his former associate; Kress. Kress had been skimming cash and stealing dough from the Muffin Man. Yes, the Muffin Man who lives at Droser Station, and not Dreary Lane as we had all previously been famously led to believe. Niko headed to Kress's yacht in the middle of the Bahamas in order to confront him about the dough. Heading inside the decompression chamber, Niko discovered it to be filled to the brim with freshly baked soda bread. Niko grabbed Kress by the shirt collar and threw him into the decompression chamber. Kress was then forcibly subjected to watch the horrid SpongeBob bootleg which featured Patrick twerking in front of a bunch of cynical old ladies. Kress' head swelled up from shock and it ended up exploding like a balloon. Niko had to be very careful when handling these bootlegs as he was not allowed to watch them otherwise he would end up following Kress' fate.
After leaving Bellville Park, Doctor Freeze and I decided to pay Caramel Joe a visit down at his factory on High Street. The factory produced Happy Meal boxes which had frowns etched into the boxes instead of a smile in an attempt to defame McDonald's. The factory had a massive mess hall which is where we decided to have our meeting with Caramel Joe. "So what's this bootleg about anyhow Joe?" I asked as I sipped on a glass of ass. Caramel Joe looked at me with big bulging eyes as he said, "it's a House Of Mouse bootleg. I got it from my good friend Eddie Hornet. He stole it from some sweet old lady who had gotten it from a bargain bin at her local Morrisons. She wanted to give it to her grandson Wilf." I actually knew Wilf. He was a good kid, but perhaps a little too obsessed with the eggs from Beauty And The Beast. But why were they too expensive? Hmm I wonder. Caramel Joe then asked if I wanted to help him chug some corn, and by that he of course meant help him set the DVD up. "Set it up yourself." I said bluntly as I slapped Caramel Joe's neck with the back of my hand. I lit myself a cigar as I sat down on the old woodened floor next to Doctor Freeze. Freeze and I puffed violently on our cigars as Caramel Joe kept dropping the DVD disc as he had covered the thing in butter in order to help keep it nice and silky smooth. An age old tactic taught to Caramel Joe by his grandfather Skater Joe who used to hunt in the forests in rural Spain during the 1800's. But how did he have a skateboard if... oh it doesn't matter! Placing the disc into the DVD player, Caramel Joe found the system to not be working correctly.
Getting frustrated, I got up from the floor and walked over to Caramel Joe and asked, "seriously Joe can you not even set up a damn DVD player? It ain't exactly rocket science ya prick." "It's a bit jammed Mr Tyrell." Caramel Joe said as all of the sudden big bulging wires start to come out from the top of the DVD player. Caramel Joe then cowered behind me like a little bitch as I rubbed my temple before saying, "at this rate I'm probably better off getting killed by Niko." I Falcon punched Caramel Joe which sent him flying to the other side of the blooming factory. I adjusted my suit as I finally got the DVD player up and running as the opening advertisements began to play. While the commercials played, i sat back down next to Doctor Freeze who was grinning from ear to ear like some kind of fishmonger.
The commercials were very scary, yeah I'm a man who ain't afraid to admit when he's scared. One commercial had this weird sock creature thing with lipstick who was watching telly with his pet mutant bulldog. The mutant bulldog's face looked swollen as it ended up eating the sock creature's telly. The sock creature held his head in despair as he cried at the very tippy top of his lungs, "oh no!" He also sounded Welsh for some bizarre reason, and that by the far was the scariest part about him! I never really liked the Welsh after me Gran Gran got conned by a cynical Welsh farmer back when she was living in Merthyr Tydfil. The second and final commercial thank otter featured Doctor Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker singing to me about how everyone has a little love in their heart. After concluding their little song, Honeydew got extra close to the screen as he asked, "what might I put you down for?" "Nothing." I said as I took another puff from my cigar. Honeydew looked really confused and asked, "you wished to remain a hippopotamus?" Beaker then pulled a glass jar out from his ear which was filled with big bumblebees. Beaker opened the jar up and started stuffing them into his mouth as Honeydew had finally created the ultimate invention; Edible Bumblebees. Sadly, one of the bees taught Beaker was a onion farmer and so gave him a right good sting on the snoz. Beaker held his big red nose in pain as he cried, "EEP!" Beaker's yelling was so loud it caused the windows of the factory to break into a million tiny bite size pieces. Meanwhile, Honeydew was picked up by the finger by one of the bumblebees and was carried off to Jupiter. "Help me Beaker!" Honeydew cried at the top of his lungs as Beaker then tried his best to help his beloved friend get back down. After those two fucking commercials finally ended, I was left alone with my thoughts for a brief moment until the main theme song of House Of Mouse finally began to play.
The theme song was very bad. For starters, it was raining and the club looked very disgusting as there was graffiti and penises drawn all over it. During the part, where Donald goes to shake Captain Hook's hand, Hook responded by shooting Donald with a golden revolver all the while pulling the most impassive face you'd ever see. Daisy and the White Rabbit were shown playing Shrek 2 on Xbox, the Beast appeared to be on some sort of game show and was being asked a really easy question about crocodiles in rivers of jellyfish by Cogsworth who was pulling the smuggest face you'd ever see. Why so smug today Cogsworth? Don't you know? Too much smug that make your teeth go grey! Philoctetes was shown taking a dump in Pooh Bear's honeypot, and lastly and certainly not least during the part where Goofy and the penguins come into the dining area holding plates, Goofy ended up tripping on a conveniently placed banana peel. Goofy and the hot plates went flying through the air, and a flaming hot shish kebab ended up stabbing a small time Triad boss right in the chest. He screamed in pain but none of the guest seemed to notice. Oh and before we continue, I should also probably mention that Mickey looked really sick. His skin was melting and he had an elephant like trunk. Also, Mickey along with looking sicker than Arthur Morgan also looked very sad, and to be honest with you it breaks my heart. I'm actually a massive fan of Mickey Mouse, and my entire bedroom is decorated with pictures of Mickey and his friends' adventures. I was known as the Mickey Mouse Master in Birkland, but I sadly ended up losing that title when I failed to answer a question for Radio Disney. Radio Disney had called me on a Monday morning before work. Their question was, "who was Mickey's predecessor?" "Oswald The Rabbit." I answered but my mouth was full of Ahab Quaker Oats, so I ended up sounding really muffled and this resulted in the huge cash prize of £99 instead going to this really cynical rat faced teenage hood who loves to give laxatives to seagulls. This may be a way to get back at his father whose head is shaped like a bowling ball.
Ahem! Sorry about that big ole tangent, to be honest I just really love talking to you dear reader, I really feel like you understand me in ways that others like Niko do not. Anyways, the episode then began with an outside view of House Of Mouse. The scene then transitioned to the men's room, and Horas was shown plunging some toilets as he then said, "I'm getting really sick of you!" Horace sounded very angry and was the not usual funny dim witted but well meaning Horace that I knew and loved. Horace was cleaning the bathrooms for what awhile until Mickey eventually showed up to ask what Horace what was going on. Upon entering the bathroom, Mickey held his nose in disgust as he cried, "Horace what the blooming heck is that smell!?" "It's not my fault Mickey." Horace said before continuing with, "we've got another 10 cases of salmonella poisoning." "That's the 15th case this week alone!" Mickey whined as he sank to his knees. In the past two weeks, the House Of Mouse had come under fire in the LA Times for causing a massive outbreak of salmonella poisoning. Mickey and his staff were unsure on the cause of the poisoning, but Mickey had no doubt on his mind that someone was conspiring against his beloved nightclub. Now, Minnie had tried her best to get Mickey to hire a private investigator, but Mickey didn't have the funds to afford a private investigator. He was already in debt to the mob enough as is. I can relate Mickey I can relate. At first, Mickey believed that his arch nemesis Mortimer Mouse was behind the poisoning. Mortimer had become rather infamous in recent months for hanging out in the canteen to smoke weed with the penguins after hours. It had of been Mortimer! It just had to be!
Acting out against Minnie's wishes, Mickey thumbed a lift down to Valentine where he found Mortimer Mouse playing a game of cards with a bunch of cynical birds who may or may not have ties to the Colombians. Perhaps Mortimer could use that to his advantage and negotiate a possible loophole? Oh don't be stupid! Mortimer may be bad but he'd never sink that low! Mickey confronted Mortimer in the town square, and grabbed him by the shirt collar. Mortimer laughed hysterically before saying, "you're quite a strong little fecker Mick." Mickey then asked Mortimer about the salmonella outbreak, but Mortimer denied having had any part in it. Mickey released Mortimer who then pointed at Mickey's shoes and asked, "mind if I borrow your shoes!" Also while saying that, Mortimer was pulling the smuggest face you'd ever see. Believing that Mortimer was telling him porkies, Mickey opted to chase Mortimer through Valentine even after the latter got inside his Twinkie mobile. Mickey chased Mortimer for what seemed like hours until Mortimer ended up crashing his car into an old oak tree. Mortimer didn't die from the crash however, in fact after a brief visit to the hospital, he left a changed mouse. He decided to become a super villain named Mega Mort. Sadly, Mega Mort is proper dumb and loves to sit under trees and sing about his time working on the rig. Mortimer or rather Mega Mort what has happened to you? First Horace, and now you Morty whose next? Could it be Jafar? I fucking hope not. After indirectly causing the creation of Mega Mort, Mickey returned to House Of Mouse after Donald made the bold suggestion that Mickey pretend the salmonella poisoning never happened, and was actually the fault of a rise in the silicon mass.
That evening, a massive show was held at the House Of Mouse but not that many Disney characters were in attendance. In fact, the only characters attending the show were an old smelly fisherman or rather fisher mouse, Scrooge McDuck, Launchpad McQuack, Jack Skellington, and his lover Freddy Krueger. Big Pete the landlord of the club was also in attendance as was all of the other principal characters like Mickey, Donald, and Goofy. "Looks like a full house tonight fellas!" Big Pete laughed heavily before chucking down a big bottle of ass sauce. Mickey hopped onto the stage and introduced the show by saying, "hi there everybody. We're sorry if the club seems a little empty tonight, but I believe it has something to do with the new traffic lights being placed near Droser Station." "That's bloody bullocks!" Scrooge barked whilst glaring at Mickey. He then continued with, "it's that damn food in your kitchen it's getting everybody sick! Poor ole Duckworth is forcing me to buy him Lucozade and tablets from Tesco!" Scrooge had a massive contempt for Tesco after they tried to cut Scrooge's throat and throw him into the oven in order to make a roast duck. Perhaps a Roast McDuck I should say! Needing to shut Scrooge up before Big Pete got the health department up his ass, Mickey opted to play a really awesome cartoon which would satisfy everybody's needs. The cartoon came on screen and featured a chocolate bar singing to the screen about how you needed to chuck him out. He turned green as big worms came out from his eyes and he said, "you could get sick real quick!" Having had enough of that, Freddy Krueger threw his glove at the projector screen causing the entire thing to break into a million tiny bite size pieces.
Mickey made a last ditch attempt to entertain the guests by playing some tunes on his handy dandy harmonica, but sadly the harmonica was very dusty and it caused Mickey's lips to become very dry and crusty. His mouth fell onto the floor as the curtains were drawn on the stage. Backstage, Mickey put his mouth back on with super glue, as Minnie appeared from behind him crossing her arms. She then asked, "are you finished Mickey?" "Yes, oh alright I admit you won Minnie. I'll hire a private investigator." Mickey said as he got up from his chair only for Minnie to have him pinned down by Donald and Daisy. "I'm afraid it's already far too late for that Mickey." Minnie said as she then continued with, "this is my case and I've already found someone to help me solve it." Minnie returned to the stage and asked if anyone there would be willingly to help her find the culprit of the salmonella poisoning. Yes, Minnie had lied to Mickey about already having someone to help her in her case. The reason? To appear more confident I guess. Why the fuck are you asking me for? She eventually settled upon the aforementioned smelly mouse. "Who me?" The smelly fisher mouse asked as he then proceeded to yank his head clean off revealing it to have been nothing more than an elaborate red herring. Climbing out from the costume, I couldn't believe what I saw! It was Basil The Great Mouse Detective the entire time! "Let's crack this case!" Minnie proclaimed happily as she magically dawned a pair of detective clothes. Basil and Minnie's first stop was to visit an old friend of the House Of Mouse. That friend was Billy Bob Tanley, and ole Tanley had a lot to answer for it would seem.
Recently, Billy Bob Tanley had supplied the House Of Mouse with free crates upon crates of Budweiser. The quality of the beer had greatly gone downhill in recent months, and both Minnie and Basil believed this to not be a coincidence. The beer had become very smelly and Minnie believed that was due to Billy spiking the beer with salmonella. Billy Bob had always hated the House Of Mouse, even though he supplied the club with beer he truly hated it for it's pro PG agenda that it seemed to force down everyone's throat day in and day out. Basil and Minnie caught the bus to Billy Bob Tanley's residence where Billy was in the middle of trying his best to watch Woody Loses His Schmoe once again. "This video is fucking boring!" Billy Bob Tanley yelled at the very top of his lungs as both Minnie and Basil came running into the house. Basil pointed an accusing finger at Tanley as he bellowed, "i know what you're up to Billy Bob! I know it was you who poisoned all of the patrons at the House Of Mouse." Angered beyond any reasonable measure, Billy Bob Tanley grabbed Basil by the neck as he yelled, "who the fuck do you think you're talking to? You know who I am? I'm Billy Bob Tanley motherfucker!" Wow Tanley you really a potty mouth! Billy Bob Tanley then performed an incredibly smelly musical number for Minnie and Basil who basically explained that he was not the cause of the salmonella poisoning. At one point in the song, Tanley and his smelly backup dancers all appeared on a levitating platform as he started to get a little off topic and start singing about how he needed to impress his professor. Wanting to leave, Minnie and Basil turned their way towards the front door only to get prevented from leaving by Billy's BBF Otis who looked at Basil with an incredibly smug face before asking, "wanna dance pretty boy?" The pair were then forced to sit down on an old soap box as they were subjected to watching the rest of Billy Bob Tanley's heinous musical performance.
Back at The House Of Mouse, food poisoning had leaked it's through the nightclub once again as Horace started to feel really sick while cleaning packs of Lambcaster Gum from underneath the tables. Horace looked really ill and started shaking like a mad man as Goofy then appeared on the scene holding a huge platter of mash potatoes. "Heya Horace what's shaking?" Goofy inquired as Horace responded with, "I feel a bit sick." "Chow on this!" Goofy proclaimed happily as he and his penguin waiters forded the huge platter of mash potatoes into Horace's mouth. Horace gagged with very bite as he then started shitting violently. The force of Horace's shit ended up sending him fly up into the evening sky. He eventually crashed into the ceiling and fell back down onto the floor where he crashed atop of Mickey. Horace lied on top of Mickey who whined, "oh Minnie where are you?" Wanting to distract the guests from the horrendous that came as a result of Horace's bathroom troubles, Mickey opted to play yet another cartoon on the newly rebuilt projector. This cartoon was even worse as it was about Goofy collecting charity by going door to door with an incredibly scary looking walrus. The pair would force people to get baptised at a church where the front guard lady sings opera at you which makes your feet itch like a stich. This DISGUSTING cartoon caused everyone in the club to start rioting. Scrooge McDuck climbed atop the chandelier and started screaming like a mad man or rather a mad duck I guess, Jack Skellington started rubbing his chin all over Freddy Krueger who said with a glare, "you could have had Jason!" He was staring at the screen as he said this and he looked very hungry. Almost as if ole Fred was asking me personally to get him a bag of chips. What a lima bean! This episode was really starting to rattle my feathers! I'm starting to lose my edge! Oh buggering buggerton! How was I ever going to take control of Birkland without my edge?
Back to the episode, protestors stormed into the streets and started protesting outside the House Of Mouse, The protesters wanted Mickey dead for getting their friends and family sick. Really sick. Police Commissioner Al Priss was leading the protests as he placed a megaphone up to his mouth and proclaimed, "come on Mickey! Come outside and we all settle this over a lovely pint!" There was no response until Mickey appeared on the rooftop of the nightclub performing his very own makeshift barbershop quartet with Jiminy Cricket, Horace, Freddy Krueger, and Jack Skellington. They were all dressed up like the Beatles much to Al Priss' chagrin. He never liked the Beatles as he preferred the Neatles. A dangerous pass time I know. Al Priss pretended to enjoy the performance and clapped along to the music as he turned to face three fellow cops and said, "go get the sacks." Al Priss had longed to use those sacks as he had been given them by his grandmother many moons ago back when she was serving hard time at Smelly Oaks Retirement Home. She hated Mickey Mouse she did, and hoped that the sacks would one day be used to kidnap Mickey Mouse so that he may be sentenced to high treason. She gave Al Priss the sacks and told him to kiss Mickey once for her. Um what the fuck is wrong with Al Priss' Grandma? The protestors finally stormed their way into the club, and Mickey and the others hid on the rooftops. They all huddled around Mickey in a circle as he said, "oh Minnie please hurry!" Meanwhile, Minnie and Basil knowing that the salmonella poisoning had to be of been an inside job, they realised they now had only two suspects.
First, there was Goofy. 'No certainly not Goofy," Minnie thought in her head as she said to Basil, "he's just too simple." Basil walked around his dimly lit studio apartment smoking from a pipe as he said, "perhaps so Mrs Mouse perhaps so, but what about his plucky young chef?" By using a microscope and examining a rotten piece of pork from the House Of Mouse, Basil was able to deduce that the bacteria came from Antarctica. Antarctica was Pepperoni's home turf. Pepperoni was the head chef at House Of Mouse until he received a huge amount of money from his uncles in Greenoak. It's worth noting that both Donald and Goofy had also spent a great deal of time Antarctica where they became rather infamous for seal clubbing after they ran out of Heinz Baked Beans to eat. They opted to take seals out to nightclubs in order to strike it rich and earn themselves a real name in the clubbing industry, but sadly it never did Remy it never did. "Well come on then Basil! Let's go confront Pepperoni before he boards his next flight to Antarctica!" Minnie proclaimed happily as she pulled Basil out of the room by the back of his shirt collar. Basil hadn't even finished lighting up his damn pipe yet Minnie! Rude carrot onion! After making their way through the airport, the pair caught the next flight to Antarctica. Arriving in Antarctica, Minnie and Basil confronted Pepperoni who confessed to having been behind the Salmonella poisoning, but he seemed to be rather indifferent about the whole thing. Oh, and by the by just so know Pepperoni was a mute and as such he only communicated using sign language.
After some questioning, Pepperoni eventually went on to reveal that he had poisoned the food at House Of Mouse as payback for Mickey stealing his one true love Edmer back in the Summer to end all Summers. Pepperoni wanted to get Mickey back, and he thought that this could be his chance. "Minnie we'll get this penguin if we're ever gonna make this case." Basil explained as both he and Minnie asked for Pepperoni to step up and confess to what he's done. Pepperoni agreed to help the pair out if and only if they were able to beat him in a plane race all around the entire Antarctica. Pepperoni wanted to prove that penguins could fly in order to rub into his bully Big Sal who has a thing for penguins that don't know their locker combination. In any case, Pepperoni using a makeshift cropduster ended up crashing into the side of a mountain seemingly killing him though leaked pictures of him attending BBQ's on Reddit beg to differ. With Pepperoni seemingly dead, Minnie and Basil were forced to return to the club empty handed on the next flight. Returning to House Of Mouse, Minnie and Basil were horrified to find the entire place in shambles and the entire dining room was covered in sick and shit. Actual shit too I'm not even metaphorically speaking here peeps. Anyways, Minnie confronted Mickey who was sitting under a table vomiting into his shoes by asking, "Mickey what are you doing? What do you have to say for yourself!" Mickey then pointed an accusing finger at Minnie as he yelled, "it is you Minnie who is the real idiot!" As soon as Mickey said that, all of the other sick Disney characters all crowded around Minnie and Basil all the while pulling the most judgemental faces that I have ever seen. "I better be going!" Basil cried at the very top of his lungs as he made a break for the fire exit only to end up tripping on some Genco Pura Olive Oil which had gotten stuck to the beautiful tiled floor.
While Minnie helped Basil get back on his feet, Goofy appeared as he said, "you see Minnie; the whole story that Pepperoni gave you was all one big elaborate red herring!" Yes indeed it had been Goofy who had caused the salmonella poisoning. You see; wanting to cut back on how much money he spent on food runs every week after getting several threatening phone calls from the LOL's, Goofy opted to swing a deal with some incredibly dodgy Russian bootleggers who were bootlegging smelly quiche out from freighters on the orders of one Colonel Dodo. Oh perhaps you've heard of him? I know I certainly fucking have! The quiche was incredibly rotten as Colonel Dodo had planned on using the rotten quiche to get back at some old farts at the country club in Santa Monica. They dared to mock Dodo? This shall not go un tolerated Goofy had no idea that the quiche was poisonous, and because Goofy loved mixing quiche with all the rest of the food on the menu it meant that all the food got really bad really quickly. "Oh Goofy you stupid cunt!" Minnie laughed as she sat down with the other sick Disney characters to play some Shrek 2 on Xbox, as do all who truly believe. The episode then ended with the normal credits, only there was a SICK post credit scene which featured a green bolt of lighting which ended up coming out from the TV and striking me right in the forehead. A massive mask formed in a small green ball in front of me, and it latched onto my face. II fell to the floor in pain, but recovered quickly as I suddenly became big and muscly. Could this bootleg episode had the keys to creating Bootleg Hulk? I was not only big and muscly now, but I also had a green menacing face like Shrek. Caramel Joe looked at me with a very aroused look on his face as he asked, "whoa Boss are you okay?" "I'm better than okay idiot!" I barked angrily as I felt that it was time to pay our old friend Niko a visit at the Monkey's Paw.
Niko was hosting a charity gala at the Monkey's Paw. Him and his men were celebrating as they thought that I had already left town. Boy were they wrong! Using my new found powers, I broke down the door to the nightclub and entered the area accompanied by Doctor Freeze, Caramel Joe, and the rest of my men. "Who the hell are you?" Niko asked in an outraged tone as his men drew their guns out on me. "I'm just an ex employee who's come for his back pay... or should I say PAYBACK!" I proclaimed which caused Niko to ask, "Dorian?" "Kill him!" I barked as a massive shootout occurred in the club which collimated in all of Niko's pals getting iced. Rising from behind a table, Niko shot a few bullets into me but they had no effect as I was able to absorb the bullets as if I was wearing some kind of spongey material. I sucked the bullets up and shot them out through my mouth like a machine gun. The bullets caught Niko in the chest and sent him flying to the other side of the fucking room. With Niko disposed of, I declared myself the new owner of the Monkey's Paw and also elected myself as the new kingpin of Birkland in Niko's place. Sadly it all came crashing down after the mask was stolen by Eddie Hornet. "The past must be paid for!" Eddie Hornet proclaimed happily as he shoved the mask on and became a super hornet. I gave chase to Eddie Hornet and chased him all through the streets of Birkland until I eventually ended up falling down a manhole. Falling down the manhole, I ended up in the sewer line where I was confronted by a massive squid, and before you could even say, "electric telemarketers bathing in sunflower oil," I was captured by the squid. I am now forced in an underwater bunker with the squid who has granted me the ability to breath underwater. He treats me like scum and throws mayonnaise jar at me in very existence.
I almost had it. I almost fucking had it. I was this close to finally earning ultimate power, by fate just has to shove shit in my face at every given opportunity. I should have been smarter. Why didn't Caramel Joe tell me that Eddie Hornet was back in town? I could have better prepared myself that way! I can't be expected to know all these things myself! Last I heard, Caramel Joe and Doctor Freeze tried to rob the First National Bank of Birkland, but they failed to turn the alarms off which led to them getting arrested. Commissioner Green was known for his exceedingly cruel punishments and he had special plans for the pair. Doctor Freeze was locked up inside a massive fridge while Caramel Joe was thrown into a pit of boiling hot caramel. Two months after being locked inside of the fridge, Doctor Freeze was finally released and had formed into massive ice cubes. Guess he won't be operating any more then will he? You know living with a squid ain't all bad, I mean after all I've learned to become a lot more respectful and humble since living with me squidy roommate. Heck, my squid friend and I have been considering making our own sitcom all about living together. We're thinking about pitching our idea to BBC, but not ITV they don't like me on the account of an incident up in Owl Creek. An incident that I myself shall personally never ever forget. Goodbye friend, for it's time for me to pick greasy barnacles out from my squid friend's tentacles. Oh how delightful!
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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