A Forest Ranger's Tale
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I'm a badass forest ranger/rescue/superhero and I have seen some weird shit out in the woods. Let me tell you a few of my stories:
One time I caught Bigfoot taking a massive dump behind a huge evergreen. I was like "what the fuck, bro?!" That asshole didn't even look at me. He just squatted there working on, what looked to be, a fucking 9 pounder. Once that log dropped to the ground he just fucking flipped me off and walked away. He didn't even bother covering his shit. What an asshole...
The next thing that happened was I was out by one of our pristine lakes enjoying the fresh air. Suddenly I noticed movement out of the corner of my eye. I turn towards the source of said movement and I see a squad of 20 year old university cheerleaders out on a camping excursion. They were peeling off their outfits and skinny dipping in the cool, refreshing lake. I was like "oh cool" and I made my way over to say "hi". They were cool and I ended up being the judge for their "Best Blowjob Contest" (they were ALL winners). It was cool and I am awesome.
Finally, I want to mention the toilets. Sometimes you are deep in the woods and you come across a toilet just in the middle of nowhere. It's well known to us badass outdoorsmen. We are told never to go near thembut the other day I had no choice.
I had eaten 4 cheesy gorditas and pounded a large mountain dew before heading out to the woods. I was about an hour and a half in when I noticed that I had to shit. I COULD NOT stop this one. If I didn't let this thing loose soon I would have about 3gallons of diarrhea in my pants for the trek home.
That's when I saw the toilet.
Without thinking I ran to it and dropped my pants. No sooner had my cheeks hit the seat that I immediately started spraying rancid ass milk out of my burning balloon-knot. It was awful. And it stunk.
That's when I realized what I had done and I learned why we should stay away from those toilets.
There was no toilet paper.
Credited to PoopymanV
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