A Scary Story
I was trick or treating with my sister and her friend at the edge of town where the scariest houses are, but I wasn't scared so I went to the biggest, scariest house and rang the bell. An old woman with dirty teeth opened the door and said "Instead of candy, how about you little lambs come inside and I'll tell you a scary story" because we were all dressed as lambs. We go inside and I can see that she is 100 years old because she has an original PlayStation and phonebook. We all sit her couch and she tells her scary story.
When I was a girl my father never let us play in the scary attic. There was a pull-down door that we couldn't reach. He didn't mind if we played in the cellar with his mummies and spellbooks, but the attic was just like no fuckin way. One day with my sister and her friend we all heard a spooky noise from the attic and wanted to see so we go on each other's shoulders to reach the pull-down door but dad caught us and said "What did I tell you about the spooky attic!" He scolded us and said "Do you want to know why you can't go up there to play with my Portal to the Dæmon Rěilm, you little assholes" because we were kinda asshole kids. So we sat on the couch to hear his scary story.
When I was a boy, I lived here along my depressed mother. She was always depressed and it was really sad, but I didn't care because the house was full of ghosts. Some of the ghosts were nice, but some were spooky jerks. Once when I walked through the hallway, the attic door dropped on my head and nearly knocked me out but a rush of cold air blew out and one of the spooky jerks was laughing because he made the door fall on my head and he was a jerk. Then the ghost possessed my sister's friend and she said, "I've haunted this house for 100 years keeping the secret of the spooky attic and I'll tell it to you so you'll be scared!" The ghost told her story.
When I was a girl, my parents built a big brand new house with all the cash they got selling gold to kings. When it was ready they threw a big party for all the important people in town and even James Caan showed up and this was right after Godfather so everyone was really impressed. James Caan had a few drinks then started making out with my sister's friend so we decided to leave and go hide in the attic until the party was over. The attic was filled with dusty old junk that hadn't been touched in 100 years and the biggest thing in the middle of the room was a giant wood-framed mirror draped with sackcloth. Do you know what sackcloth is?
"No" said the girl. "Do you?"
"No" said the boy. "Do you?"
"No" I said. "When is the scary part?"
She gave a scary smile and said "You've been listening to this story for 100 years and everyone you love died and turned into skellingtons!"
We screamed and ran home screaming, but it was too late.
Originally uploaded on September 3, 2014
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