Alex Mack (Nickelodeon Lost Episode)
This is a fictional joke story written by DaveTheUseless
Have you ever heard of Alex Mack? It's a 1990s Nickelodeon show that actually a lot of people don't remember. Alex Mack was a sorceress who could do things like become a puddle on the floor and go into other rooms and spy on people. The reason Nickelodeon canceled the show is because she spied on other people while they were fucking. On Nickelodeon, you can't fuck. So, Alex Mack would use her ESP to record people fucking. Then she would sell it on the early versions of the Internet.
Me, I was an intern at Burger King. Some weirdo kept coming to Burger King and ordering Crispy Pretzel Chicken Fries and having sex with them. I couldn't take it anymore, so I quit my job. I couldn't take it anymore, having to serve this weirdo who was having sex with the Crispy Pretzel Chicken Fries. Alright? So, I went home, and my boss fired me and said 'There's something wrong with you, kid. Why do you have a problem with people fucking our fast food? Some people eat the fast food, and some people fuck it. Alright?'. So, my boss wasn't thrilled with me, and thought I was the one with the problem. So he gave me a VHS tape. Alright? And in a pink, gel pen font, it read: 'The Lost Episode of Alex Mack'.
I went home, took the tape, and put it in the VHS tape player. However, I was very, very hungry, so I went to the fridge. There was nothing in the fridge but condiments. So I took out the condiments and I took the wrappers and I made 'breading' out of the wrappers. And I put the condiments in the microwave, warmed them up, put them between two condiment-packaged patties. Then I ate them. After reflection on using makeshift items as façade, transforming to serve real life desires and mischief, I sat down to watch some quality entertainment.
The show began with the usual theme song. 'I'm Alex Mack/I'm out of wack/I'm a girl who can turn into puddles/I'm Alex Mack/I'm not on crack/I can turn into puddles/No, no/There's something I can to/I can turn into puddles, for you'. Okay, first of all, that was not the Alex Mack theme song that I was accustomed to. However, I kept on watching the tape.
Alex Mack was in her brother's bedroom. Hm. "I'm looking for my brother's diary", said Alex Mack. However, she couldn't find her brother's diary because, little did she know, her brother was dead. Also, he never had a diary. Alex Mack went downstairs to talk to her. 'Hey, dad.' 'Oh, hi, Alex.' 'Did you know that I saw you and mom fucking?' Whoa! Fucking? In a Nickelodeon show? There was something wrong with this tape! I went up to the VHS player, aka VCR, aka cokes cables, and I pressed the eject button on the VCR. However, instead of ejecting the tape, a spring came out of the floor and I was airborne, crashing through my roof and launching into outer space, choking to my death in vain! Highly realistic gore flew everywhere. I couldn't see it, because I was out flying through space at the speed of light, but if I could see what I looked like at the moment, but if I could, I would say that I looked... disheveled.
So, while I was suffering, choking to death out in space, I finally came back and plummeted at record breaking, supersonic speeds through the ground. Highly realistic gore from space fell into the ground, while a cartoon hole formed in the ground, reminiscent of the Looney Tunes' Wile E Coyote! My hands were broken, so I could not wash my hands every 20 seconds anymore to avoid the corona situation. My legs were broken, my appendix burst, and I felt disheveled. After I was done dying and hanging out in the afterlife, I decided 'you know, I would rather not be dead', so I got back into my body and went back into my house to finish watching the lost episode of Alex Mack.
However, something I noticed is that the tape was no longer in the tape player! Someone had stolen my copy of the lost episode of Alex Mack. I got into my $500,000 motor scooter, and I drove back to Burger King. I went to speak to my now former boss, Jeff Pesos (I am a proud Hispanic immigrant), and asked him what happened with the tape player. "Well, you see...", Jeffrey said. "We took the tape back because you didn't value it and its lessons. Like how you didn't value your job." I didn't know, something really wrong with Jeffrey Pesos at the time. His eyes were bloodshot, he was missing his hair, and he looked... unkempt. I felt like something was seriously wrong. Whatever happened to my Burger King job that I knew and loved? Something was not quite right anymore.
I asked my janitor friend, Pedro, if something happened the other day while I was gone. Little did I know that Pedro had the copy of the lost episode of Alex Mack all along! He told me the shocking truth about what happened. Jeffrey Pesos broke into my house, and stole the tape out of my VHS player because he wasn't even paying minimum wage. He was compensating his employees with VHS tapes. I was not OK with this! As a proud Hispanic American, I felt like this didn't make our heritage justice. So, I went right up to my ex-boss after taking the VHS tape, and I smacked my boss right in the head right with the Alex Mack VHS tape. Highly realistic gore spewed everywhere. I took the bloodied tape back home and stuck it in the VCR. I was ready to finish watching the lost episode of Alex Mack, no matter what happened. Even if I had to use the severed monkey's paw that I kept tucked into my pocket to compensate for what my broken hands could no longer do, and turn the VHS tape on. Here's how it went.
I thought I would see Alex Mack in her house, at work, as a prostitute, but no. Instead, Alex Mack was in an empty room with a stool, and I don't mean a piece of shit. I mean she was sitting on an actual stool. She was staring me right in the eyes, as if she had something to tell me.
"Hello, Rodrigo." How did Alex Mack know my name? "Rodrigo, you might think that life is what you make of it, and in a way, it is. And, in a way, it isn't. The fact of the matter is, we were created by aliens in the year 65,000 BCE in order to build the pyramids. However, after the pyramids were made, they needed to do something else with us. So, what they did is they put us on a rocket ship and sent us to Pluto. After hanging out on Pluto for a little bit, we were joined by the Killer Bean Men from Neptune's moons, another creation of sorts but gradual evolution adopted by their oppressors to endure harsh labor under the guise of noble productivity. Then they came up with an idea for a cartoon dog that was also known as Pluto, and they sent us back to Earth to both create and watch cartoons for Walt Disney, who did not compensate us like real people. That is why they created the Walt Disney corporation. So that we would feel so happy just to work for them and play for them in a cycle, in both roles, so that we wouldn't want to get paid. The provision of our environment as an oppressor was our 'payment'. However, we were starving to death, both metaphorically and in physical reality. So, Rodrigo, the truth of the matter is, you don't control your own destiny. You don't choose own destiny, because...
You're from Pluto, bitch. The smallest planet ever." Alex Mack grit her teeth menacingly. "As far as we know."
With that, the VHS ended. I didn't know what to do. How could I live my life again, the way I ever lived it before? It didn't make any sense. I took the VHS tape. I knew what I had to do. Or so I thought. I ran into the kitchen and I got myself a sledgehammer. I lifted up the sledgehammer and starting pounding away at the tape. It didn't break. It was like the tape was made out of industrial strength gorilla tape, the strongest tape known to man. I knew I had no other option.
It was over. There was nothing else I could do. I took the tape. I noticed... something. I noticed I had forgotten to unwind it. I forgot to rewind it. Future generations would have to suffer. They wouldn't know the message anymore! What an awful person I was. How could I ever go back to the way things were, and look anyone square in the eye ever again? I knew what I had to do. This time. I took the tape out of the tape. I went into my closet.
Everyone. If you are reading this. I'm sorry. But I just couldn't deal with the truth anymore. Or what I had done. If you are told to go to Pluto by a guy named Jeff Pesos, just remember that our inner core is made out of olive oil. And if you go there. You just might find yourself working in Olive Garden. For free. And eating at Olive Garden. For free. Because. ... Free... you are not.
The end.
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