Banjo-Kazooie - the lost game
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NSFW WARNING
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Somewhere, deep in the infinity of web, I found a magic website. It was an old, abandoned and forgotten blog, by some mysterious man. The last post was from year 2004. And, yes, it was a blog about the awesome videogame - Banjo-Kazooie. The videogame with stunning creative gameplay, which gained hearts of many people, even if it was a kids game. Well, I will tell you what were the last posts, of the mysteryous man.
2004, 18th January, Sunday
Hello there friends! Guess what! I have found that Rare will make a new Banjo-Kazooie videogame! finnaly! I have waited for so long you can't even imagine! it will be released in February. I literally cryed of joy when I have found that! Well, I hope that it will be great like Banjo-Tooie and Banjo-Kazooie! :)
2004, 30th January, Saturday
I have found that the new Banjo-Kazooie videogame will be released in February 13th! Great, isn't it?
2004, 13th February, Friday
OH MY GOD!!! I HAVE GOT THE VIDEOGAME, AND ITS EXCLUSIVE ONLY FOR ME!!! I HAVE GOT THE ONLY ONE, BECAUSE MICROSOFT THOUGHT THAT I AM THE BEST ONE!!!
2004, 14th February, Sunday
Oh my god... There is something weird about the videogame... I don't even want to talk about it... God, why? I am only 8! Please, someone, get the game away from me... Please... I will tell you my phone number, here it is - [phone number], please, call, I will give it to you, just... Just... Please...
Those were the four last posts, of the man. It was strange, it felt like something bad happened to the guy... Anyways, I felt like getting the videogame. It could just be filled with swear-words and blood, because that guy was scared of it, or at least it looks like that. Well, so I called the phone number. And, once again, I will tell you what did I hear.
<woman>: Hello, what do you want?
<me>: Oh, hello. I found a blog on the internet, and it was about lost Banjo-Kazooie game or something like that. And there was something about if I want the game then call to this phone number. and the phone number lead towhich your phone number, so--
<woman>: Oh my god... No... Not this game...
<me>: wait, what happened?
<woman>: Well... I-its a long story... I d-don't want to w-waste your phone credit... S-so let's just say... Meet you under Eiffels tower. I will be here.
Well, it was weird, because I had to go to France, but I guess that I will go here, even thought I was lazy, and traveling to France because some stupid story of a woman, was weird. So, I got to France, and I was going to the Eiffels tower. I noticed something strange, There were no people, no tourists, there were just buildings, and only living man I saw, was the woman, who was patiently standing under Eiffels tower. She looked old, had a long nose and she was very, very ugly, that I couldn't describe it with words. I was feeling weird. She was weird. The place was weird... Basically, everything was weird. I walked to her. She opened her mouth, only to show two pairs of teeth, which were perfectly yellow. I was about to puke, but I guess that it was not nice, so I had to keep the gastric juice inside my stomach. She began teling me her story, how her son received a videogame, and one day after, he disapperaed. But the only thing I could be thinking of is how that ugly woman could find someone to make a kid with her. After she finished telling me her boring story I didn't even listen to, she asked me "Are you sure you want this videogame?" and, bad for me that I didn't even listen to what she sayd, I sayd "Yes". She put a Xbox DVD (Rare was bought by Microsoft in 2002, so it was not for the Nintendo but for the original Xbox.) in my hands, and walked away. I looked at the DVD, and it didn't have any picture on it. There was just written Banjo-Threeie with a permanent marker.
So, I bought an original Xbox, got back to home, and put the DVD in my Xbox. I was very excited. The game loaded for like 5 minutes, and all the time it was just showing a black screen. And when it finally loaded, there was a character selection, and it was in the same graphics like Banjo-Kazooie and Banjo-Tooie. In the character selection there were Banjo, Kazooie, Grunty, King Jinjaling, Bottles and Jam-Jars. Kazooie, being the favourite character of mine, was chosen. Then, there was a cutscene, showing Banjo attacking Kazooie, and Kazooie tried to escape. But she couldn't escape Banjo's claws. That thing remained like for a minute, then Kazooie finally escaped, jumping out of the window, getting glass shards into her which made her bleed. Oh, and the blood was not hyper realistic, It was the blood from Conker's Bad Fur Day. Then the cutscene ended and I had to escape with Kazooie, and Banjo was chasing her. I ran to the top of spiral mountain, hoping that there will be a fly pad, so I could fly away. Well, there was a fly pad, but I did not have any feathers. Then Banjo got to Kazooie, and it showed a game-over cutscene, which was again, Banjo attacking Kazooie. I was scared, and I turned off the Xbox. I could not forgot Kazooie's face, and that she cryed, which I forgot to mention before. I, scared, got to bed, but I could not sleep. I was only thinking about that videogame, and that I will never ever play it again. Later, I finally feel asleep.
Next day, I was feeling much more brave than on the evening, and I wanted to try the game again. I put the DVD in Xbox. There was not that loading black screen, it immidatiely put me to the character select. I noticed that there was an options button, but I didn't see it before. I looked at the options. There were basic things, like brightness, volume etc. , but there was a special thing. It sayd Real life On-Off I was curious what it was, so I clicked on. I once again selecten Kazooie. Then, something weird happened. A teleport in my TV appeared, and it sucked me in like a black hole. I was surprised, and I was transported to the Banjo-Kazooie world. And, of course, I was Kazooie. Everything was real, it was not the Banjo-Kazooie look, it was just like it was an animation movie in cinema, I think you understand me. It was not a videogame anymore. It was an another dimension, and those Banjo-Kazooie games were recorded from here with a bad guality camera. Well, all what was in the cutscene happened in here. Banjo attacked me, and hell, it was very painfull. I was glad that Kazooie was not a bear, because I would've been killed... I tried to escape, but Banjo put his claws in my flesh whanever I tried to do that. I asked "Why? Banjo? Why?" and he replyed me "I don't know anyone other to do that on, Tooty has escaped...". When he was saying that, he closed his eyes and I had a second to escape. I quickly jumped away and jumped trought the window, getting those glass shards into me. But still, it was not so painfull as when Banjo clawed me. I runned away, collected some red feathers, and ran to the fly pod at spiral mountain. I could see Banjo running after me, with an angry face, and I quickly tried moving my wings, but I could not and could not fly, I could just do something like a double jump. Well, I did see that the hole to isle O' hags was still here, so I quickly ran to it. I wanted to hide here, but. when I was about to jump in here, Banjo catched my tail and angrily led me home, and he even sunk his claws into my leg when he was walking. But I pecked him with my beak into his penis and he yelled and put me down.His penis turned red and bled. It also became a lot bigger. I ran to the Isle O' Hags and called the police. The police was quickly here, and arrested Banjo for violently attacking people. I was happy. But when the police led him away, he screamed "Kazooie! You litle bitch! I will come back and make revenge on you!" .He also peed on me.This made me fell strange.I thought Banjo was a good guy. Well, all this felt strange, because I was in another dimension. I did not know what to do, but the first thing I wanted to do is to escape this dimension. But before this, I had to learn how to fly. I practiced days, and then I finally could fly. When I was about to take rest, Gruntilde flyed to me with her broom, and kidnapped me. She put me in a cage, and after some days, she gave me bird seed that made me fall asleep. When I woke up, I was in a dark room. I tried to shake my head but found that a taut leather strap held it firmly in place. I struggled to move, but braces around my chest and limbs glued me to a rack formed from a series of sturdy planks, which spread my legs and wings wide apart.(totally stolen from a creepypasta, becase I am too lazy to think of something lol) Gruntilda sayd "Oh, you are awake you little bitch. Well, you will see and old friend of you... She opened the doors, and there was a sillhoulete that looked like Banjo. And yes, it was Banjo. Gruntilda walked away, laughting. I was completely terrified. I sayd "B-banjo...? How... how did you..." Banjo, replyed me "Oh... Kazooie... Gruntilda brake the cells and let me out, because we are old friends, she did just play all those things in Banjo-Kazooie and Banjo-Tooie." ... "Oh no..."
Banjo started torturing me again. He did this for like an hour, and then, because he was tired, he stopped. He opened a box that was next to me. In it were terrifiing tools. He picked up and knife, and put it into my butthole. Damn, it hurted so much. Then he picked up an hammer and butchered my wings with it. There was so much blood pouring, my bones were destroyed and I was about to cry. He laughted, and sayd "I thought that you will be better..." he picked up a nail, and put it under my talons, then he picked up the hammer and smashed it into the nail, so my talon fell off, and he continued doing this so I didn't have any talons left. He picked up the talons and put them in the holes left from the talons, but the other way round. It was very painfull. He then picked up a chainsaw, and he cut off my legs, so all I was left was body, head and neck. This was one of the most painfull things he did, I cryed so much of the pain. Then he picked up scalpel and cut a hole into my body. he cut off my bladder, and put his claws into it. I had to look at this for like ten minutes, because he was enjoying it for some reason. Then he sayd "Adios, Bird brain!" and he picked up the nails again, and put them in my heart, because he apparently wanted to kill me. And then, I died.
Written by TheLaserVulture
Content is available under CC BY-SA
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