Big Bird Plays Among Us at McDonald's
This is a fictional joke story written by DaveTheUseless
In any city, in any country, you can walk into the nearest McDonald's and order five-star cuisine at absolutely sensational prices. Really, it's not a bad gig, but more importantly, something tragic happened to me at a McDonald's five years ago that changed my life for the worse and left my jaw shattered in several places.
It all started when I was sitting down at a table and enjoying a Big Mac to myself because I had no friends. My father was just mad about McDonald's and used to dress up like Ronald McDonald because it turned my mother on but he left us for the late night cashier at the local Mickey D's when I was just a wee little lad. I was playing my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Fall of the Foot Clan on my Nintendo Game Boy when suddenly I heard a knock on the door. "Come in!", I shouted, as if I owned the McDonald's. I didn't. But more importantly, I was terrified tortellini by what I saw when I looked up from my gray and green-scale dot-matrix screen.
It was Big Bird! At first I thought it was a guy in a suit, but no, it was him in the flesh, I mean feathers! I ran up to him and hugged his legs and asked him what he was doing so far away from Sesame Street. "Birdseed Milkshake", he replied in a depressed and monotonous voice after sighing. I asked him why he didn't just go to Mr. Hooper's Store and he told me that ever since Mr. Hooper died and he learned about death he felt that he no longer belonged on Sesame Street and was in need of new friends. I told him he could be my friend and then I... I shrieked in horror when I realized that no good deed does go unpunished after all. Big Bird opened his naughty yellow beak and inside there was nothing but jagged razor-like teeth with blood, guts, gore, sinew, tartar sauce, and calculus splattered all over them! Upon closer inspection, I wailed like a banshee again. Those weren't just razor-like teeth. They were razors!
"Takes one to know one", Big Bird muttered as he waddled over to the counter like a penguin with fetal alcohol syndrome (I learned that term from a Fresh Prince of Bel-Air episode I watched years ago). As scared as I was and uncertain if I should call 911 or the Pest Control Society or the local dog catcher if he also caught anthropomorphic aviaries, my eyes were fixed on Big Bird himself. Would he also be ordering a Big Mac? What about chicken mcnuggets? If he ordered those, wouldn't that make him a cannibal (then again, he was a yellow songbird or a canary if I recall correctly. Did you know that miners send canaries into mines to potentially die to check if it's poisonous down there?)? They certainly didn't have any birdseed milkshakes.
"Hi. How may I help you?", the orange-haired, potch-marked teenage boy behind the register asked the monstrous creature who once taught me about the alphabet and how to share with strangers of any color, football team, and sexual identity. "Birdseed milkshake." It turned out that Big Bird in his fallen state had still remembered that it was sinful to lie. Good. "We don't have any of those here, sir.", the $5.15 an hour employee responded with. "Could I get you something else?".
It was then that I literally lost my shit, because Big Bird got really, really pissed off and wrapped his feathery fingers or webs or whatever you call them for birds around the scholarly gentleman's throat. I was sitting close enough that even though Big Bird was whispering menacingly, I could still make out what he said. He leaned into the boy's face and I threw up my Arch Deluxe (I ordered two burgers that day, because I used to be fat). "Amogus.", Big Bird whispered slowly. He proceeded to pull his feathery, winged bird hand into a pocket (I guess birds have pockets, or at least anthropomorphic canarymen do) and pulled out... two double A batteries. The young man, clearly watching his life flash before his youthful virgin eyes, let out an answer. "Anxdskxbnfdgakfn", he muttered. Big Bird let him go so that he could speak proper English. "We used to have a console here, but we got rid of it very recently, sir." Yes, McDonald's used to host video game consoles, such as the Nintendo GameCube so that you could play Super Mario Sunshine while taunting the other children because the fast food restaurant GameCube was now your GameCube and they'd always be from poor parents who sent them to public school because they didn't truly love them.
Big Bird turned around, as the high school dropout customer service representative caught his breath and stuttered off to the frycook area, dazed and confused (I know for a fact that he smokes pot during his lunch breaks).
I vomited up at least a couple and a half french fries after what happened next... happened. Big Bird's eyes had turned pitch black, his entire body had become pixelated like a distorted electronic nightmare, and the rest of the restaurant... turned black. It was me sitting at an invisible table, Big Bird standing right near me and staring into my soul like a rabid dog eyeing his next door neighbor's leg as mutton, and... I could still see my Game Boy, for some reason. In the blink of an instant, Big Bird ran up to me in supersonic, super human speeds... and ripped my Game Boy straight out of my hands. I cried, but Big Bird didn't give a shit.
Big Bird plopped two double-A batteries into my Game Boy. This was after... he ripped open the back cover of my Game Boy and stuck my two double-A batteries up his nose. "See? I'm a walrus now.", Big Bird said... in his usual Big Bird voice, as the room slowly faded back into the way it was before.
I figured everything was alright now, given that Big Bird was happily rotating between the A and B buttons and the control pad and playing what I assumed was TMNT: Fall of the Foot Clan on my Nintendo Game Boy.
It was the shock of my life when he handed back my portable gaming console fifteen minutes later, and I checked the cartridge label on the back.
"Amogus."
My jaw unhinged. I rolled around on the floor in spastic motions, arms and legs flailing, as the parademics arrived, put me on a stretcher, and hauled me off into the ambulance.
...
One of those bastards stole my Game Boy...
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