Bill Comes to Dinner (King of the Hill Lost Episode)

Annoying neighbours we all have them like it or not. You know how it is right? They constantly pester you for tea bags and a bag of sugar even though they quite clearly already have a full bag sitting on their shelf back at home. Sometimes, they shout and scream while playing Wii Sport Resort all through the night which prevents you from getting any sleep. You need your beauty sleep in order to get the big promotion to executive by your boss Big Boy Frank.

Now when it comes to annoying neighbours; whenever they knock on my door I try my best to ignore them. Their response to me ignoring me and not letting them in? Staring at me creepily through the window while I attempt my best to finish doing the washing up. They never leave that spot until I eventually give in and let them in. They're also incredibly rude as they often allow their kids to run rampant through my garden destroying my beautiful garden gnomes in the process. Including a gnome which I had gotten from my Great Grandmother Edgar.

I have so many weird neighbours but here are some of the strangest ones. There's an old lady who lives next door to me named Dot. She works as a lunch lady at the local school. Dot also has no toes and has square feet like a Minecraft character. Dot also chain smokes 9000 packs of cigarettes a day. She is also notoriously religious, and carries a Bible with her at all times. Dot often beats me up with her bible for not going to a church on a Sunday.

Two of my weirdest neighbours are two fat fucking chickens named Stu and Chick Gizzard Lips. Stu used to be a world famous reporter working alongside Chick. Sadly in 2008, Stu was outed as being a cannibal after evidence was recovered of him eating chickens by using a woodchipper to cook them. As a result, Stu was disgraced in the public's eye and was fired from his production company. Meanwhile, Chick became Stu's roommate as they rented a house in my neighbourhood. They are by the far the most noisy of all my neighbours especially Stu. Stu is a serious cringe lord often wearing wacky hats in an attempt to get back his successful career. Chick on the other hand is very rude and laughs in my face all the damn time.

Then of course there's Harris. He lives in the house just up the road from me. He is a serious arachnophobe and every time he sees a spider he forces me to get rid of it for him. Harris also has an Ak47 which he likes to shoot at garden gnomes because they remind him of his ex lover Talbot.

However, none of them not even the two dumb chickens are as bad as my worst neighbour. His name is Big Pat. Big Pat runs the local youth club with his iron fist. Well I say youth club but truth be told all of the club owners are senior citizens. Big Pat forces them to dance on a stage even though most of them are very clearly senile, and think that Big Pat is a teddy bear.

Big Pat also plays really loud rock music until 5 o'clock in the morning sometimes 6 depending on which way the Earth is facing. I've often tried my best to tell Pat to shut up to which he responds by saying, "just relax." His voice is very gravely and stinks of Basil. He also 'borrows' stuff from me on a regular basis which he never gives back. Oh believe me I try my best to get my stuff back from Pat but can never succeed in doing so. Now what really grinds me gears is that everyone in the village seems to love Big Pat. He's kind of the town hero believe it or not. Big Pat is also an animal lover and owns a dog named Rufus who would do nothing, and just lie on the floor all day. Not that Big Pat minded as it meant he never had to take his dear dog out for walkies. Rufus also often takes smelly dumps in my backyard which drives me insane.

Now believe it or not, I do have a very minuscule amount of sympathy for Pat. For you see Big Pat lived in a much smaller house compared to the rest of my village, and was also having money troubles following an bad investment in a Henry Hoover. He was also addicted to Basil and kept a huge jar of the seasoning on his jar which he would then eat every hour on the hour. Big Pat also has no family living in the area with his parents living all the way in Antarctica.

So on my dear wife's suggestion, I started inviting Pat around to dinner. I suppose that I felt some sympathy for the poor basil addicted smelly man that was Fat Pat. Pat was a very messy eater and had terrible table manners. He would eat with his mouth open, and then sing sea shanties. Bad ones too mind you. He also always brought Rufus with him who would run amock in the kitchen getting mud everywhere. Also, Big Pat didn't eat with a knife and fork or even a spoon no he preferred using his own hands to eat with. The idea of eating food with your hands instead of using a fork makes me sicker than Arthur Morgan. Oh yeah I went there. Pat loves coming around to my place as my wife always cooks him the best meals in town. She is an excellent chef my wife as she trained under Pepe Costello at the old cookery school in Lost Heaven. It's the one with the boarded up windows, and the hatcheck girl who may or may not be spilling information to the Triads. How will we know>

I was getting sick of Pat always ruining my meals; I tried my best to get him to stop coming but he was proper dumb and assumed I was telling him a 1970's style Christmas joke. I honestly don't know where the fuck he got that idea from but whatever. I decided that the only way I could get rid of Big Pat was by freaking him out just like he freaks me out. I needed something which would disgust Big Pat enough to make him wanna pack up his bags and go back home to his shed.

Now my wife on the other hand; thought much more highly of Pat. She thought that me asking Big Pat to leave was disrespectful. I could see through my wife. I knew she was falling for Big Pat and his Basil eating ways. I think she's planning on leaving me for Pat. My wife also forces me to keep inviting Pat around for dinner. My wife feeds Big Pat enormous meals even bigger than the ones she serves me. She also laughs at all his horrible jokes which makes me angry. Very angry. This was getting ridiculous. I couldn't even sneeze anymore without that fat bastard meaning there to catch the drip. I needed to get rid of Pat. Little did I know that my salvation was coming.

It all happened just a few nights ago; I was walking back home from work and decided to take a scenic route through some dodgy looking alleyway. The exact same alleyway where a smelly old man once sold a copy of GTA Vice City. Anyways, I was walking through the alley thinking about how I could possibly get rid of Pat when I felt a small tap on my shoulder. I turned around only to be greeted by some proper dodgy looking fella. He introduced himself as being Harry the local dealer. "Ever thought about getting your fat friend a DVD to scare him out of your house?" Harry asked and I replied with, "I never really thought about it." Harry then held out a small DVD disc and said, "the first DVD is free but then it goes up like a motherducking race car!" "And you're certain this will get rid of my neighbourly problem?" I asked. "Sure." Harry responded as he handed me the DVD. He then took off his sunglasses revealing his eyes to be very bloodshot and nasty looking. I laughed at him which made him cry but I didn't care.

Returning home, I found that my wife had left a note for me. She was working late and had left dinner for me and Big Pat in the oven. That's when I heard the doorbell ring. I answered the door and was greeted by my least favourite people in the entire world. Big Pat, Harris, Dot, and Chick Gizzard Lips and Stu. "Hey what are these clowns doing here Big Pat?" I asked as Pete responded with, "ah don't be harsh Mickey Bob these are my friends." I should also mention that my name is not Mickey Bob, but for some reason Big Pat always refers to me by that name. Pat then proceeded to shove me onto the floor as he and his friends made their way into the kitchen.

Big Pat and his cohorts grabbed their food when I told them about the DVD. "A DVD ya say? What's it about?" Dot asked in her gruff voice as she lit herself another cigarette. "No idea." I said before continuing with, "I figured that we could watch it and find out while we eat our dinner." "Sounds good to me." Big Pat said as Stu responded with, "man I ain't got a problem with it. Say Pat you ever put a chicken in a woodchipper. I know I have!" After that awkward little exchange; we all sat down in the living room to watch the DVD. I popped the sucker into my DVD player as it started. That's when I learned that it was a King of the Hill DVD because of a hole in the ceiling. Got any tissue to clog it up with eh?

The DVD started by showing a main menu; it was a poorly rendered picture of Bill Dauterive having dinner with the Hill family. Oh man the picture was so bad! It was super duper blurry, and the menu had 55 options to choose from. I no have time for that! So I decided to click on 'play episode,' and the episode started with the theme song. It wasn't correct. First of all, Hank was drinking beer with Billy Bob Tanley, and his house was on fire. Meanwhile, Bill had a mohawk and Dale was doing an incredibly weird looking dance. It's also worth mentioning that Dale was not a human and was instead a cyborg. Also for some reason, Boomhauer was not present owing to a pay dispute or something along those margins. During the part where Luanne rides off with Bucky on his motorcycle, the pair ended up crashing into a nearby tree which caused a massive explosion. Oh how delightfully Tetley Tea!

After the theme song ended, it showed the title of the episode which read, "Bill Comes To Dinner." Oh yes a Bill Dauterive episode! My favourite King Of The Hill character. I got pictures of Bill all over my house. Sadly, my wife hates Bill, and so she and Pat often make me fun out of me for having all of these weird pictures. It's disgusting I say. The episode then cut to show Hank and Bill drinking some beer. Bill then asked Hank if he could come around to Hank's place for dinner, and Hank agreed. That evening at the dinner table, Bill was not being a very good guest. In fact, Bill was making a fucking mess. "I'll be good I promise." Bill said as he began licking the plates. Things only got worse from there. Peggy came into the kitchen holding a massive plate of mash potato. She placed the plate in front of Bill who asked, "mash potatoes no gravy?" Bill then proceeded to shove his face into the mash potatoes, and started rolling his head around in it like some kind of a mad man. "Dammit Bill why can't you just eat dinner like a normal person?" Hank asked as he began rubbing his temple.

That evening, Peggy made very clear to Hank that Bill was forbidden from ever attending another one of the family's meals. "Shut up bitch you can't tell me what to do!" Hank yelled at the top of his lungs, and this in turn caused Peggy to pull an incredibly sinister expression. Suddenly, Peggy's eyes turned into onions as she began coughing out spiders. I looked over at Harris who was watching from behind the sofa as he was a serious arachnophobe. The spiders somehow were able to crawl through my television set, and they all swarmed around Harris. "Help me! Get them off me!" Harris cried. I tried my best to help, but I was restrained by Big Pat who said, "leave him be kid he's a lost cause." I then turned my attention back to the TV which showed Hank reluctantly agreeing to Peggy's demands of now allowing Bill to attend dinner at the Hill residence anymore.

The scene then transitioned to show Hank and Bill drinking a beer in the middle of an old rundown bunker. Hank turned to face Bill with a sad face as he said, "Bill there's something you should know. Peggy don't want you coming around for dinner anymore." "Uh what?" Bill asked as Hank responded with, "you heard me Bill. She thinks you're bloody disgusting and I tried my best to make her see reason, but you know Peggy she was going to get the Vice squad on my ass! You know I can't afford to be made to look ridiculous don't you Bill?" Bill didn't say anything. He looked absolutely dumb founded as it then cut to show Bill lying in bed at night. Bill was tossing and turning violently in his sleep. He was very angry with Peggy. What was wrong with the way Bill ate his dinner? Truth be told, Peggy had always it out for Bill, and Bill was certainly no fool but he didn't want to admit the fact that Peggy hated his guts. Waking up from his slumber, Bill came to the realisation that if he wanted to continue dining with Hank; he would need to eliminate Peggy. Will the bad guys let him do it? I don't know probably. There was just one problem however. How the heck was Bill going to kill Peggy? That's when a bright idea came to Bill's mind. He would pay Dale a visit, and ask for his assistance in the matter. I'm sure Bill would have been inclined to ask Boomhauer for his assistance, but pay disputes ya know? Hey! Don't go hating Boomhauer Mr MC!

Dale was shown eating some Rabe Maniels' patterned ice cream when Bill running into his basement. Bill was carrying two huge bags of money, and threw them onto the ground. "Hey Bill what's shaking?" Dale inquired. "Dale I need your help." Bill said as he then continued with, "we need to liquidate Peggy." "What why?" Dale asked as Bill responded with, "Tanley paid me a visit. He told me that Peggy was responsible for stealing your lawnmower." "What!?" Dale yelled at the very top of his lungs. Basically, Bill in order to guarantee Dale's help had decided to rob Dale's brand new lawnmower, and pin the blame onto Peggy. Using photoshop, Bill had created photographic evidence of Piggy riding the lawnmower down in Textile City. In reality, the lawnmower was simply being held at Bill's garage. Satisfied with Bill's evidence, Dale agreed to help Bill kill Peggy. I hadn't bothered to mention it yet, but just so you know Dale was no longer a cyborg and was now back to his normal terrible old self that we all know and hate. Man fuck Dale Gribble man!

In order to kill Peggy, Dale and Bill decided to pay a visit to 8-Ball who owned a bomb shop in Arlen. 8-Ball was not very fore coming when it came to handing over his merchandise. 8-Ball was extremely cagey as he hid behind his door in order to ask Bill for payment. Bill was forced to pay 8-Ball a small bill of $100,000. Little did 8-Ball know however was the money that Bill had paid him with was actually counterfeit money which Bill had gotten from the Print Works during a holiday in Vice City in 1986. It's worth mentioning that Bill was also using the exact same counterfeit money in order to bribe Dale into killing Peggy Hill. Making their way over to Hank's garage, Dale rigged the bomb to the car. Their plan would have worked perfectly, but sadly Luanne ended up getting into the car and started up the engine. "Whoa stop!" Dale cried at the very top of his lungs as he attempted to get Luanne out of the car, but it was far too late for her as the car ended up exploding into a million tiny bite size pieces. Dale didn't seem all too concerned about Luanne's death as he turned to face Bill and said with a rather sly expression, "don't worry Bill it happens to us all sometimes."

With the bomb having failed miserably, Dale instead opted to disguise himself as Hank in order to infiltrate the Hill residence. Now, Dale was able to get past Bobby with ease, and he crept his way up to the bedroom where he found Peggy putting on her ear rings or ear worms I should. Ear worms are worms for your ears. Prick up your ears Mr MC! Why do I keep calling you Mr MC? Well reader it's because I used to run rackets with MC Clip, until the fame got to his head that is. Prick. Peggy turned to face Dale and smirked as she asked rhetorically, "you think I don't know it's you Dale? I wasn't born yesterday ya know?" Dale then proceeded to lunge at Peggy with a knife, and proceeded to stick a rotten lamb shahbab into Peggy's mouth causing her to instantly explode into a million tiny bite size pieces. With Peggy dead, Dale attempted to leave through the bedroom window only to hear the bedroom door opening from behind him.

Bill came into the bedroom holding a large baseball bat. He looked pissed and said, "you really think I'm just going to let you walk after everything you did?" Dale fell to the floor, and began begging for his life. "Come on Bill I'm your friend think of all...." Sadly, Dale quickly realised that there was no use attempting to rationalise with Bill Dauterive as he was soon beaten to a bloody pulp by Bill and his trusty red and yellow baseball bat. Red and yellow red and yellow. What about green huh? "Why would Bill do that?" I asked as I began throwing my meal at the TV screen. Big Pat chucked a wicked sailor's chuckle as he said, "because Bill doesn't want Dale testifying in court about him assisting Bill with the murder of Peggy Hill." Big Pat wasn't as dumb as he looked ya know? I guess Bill was a secret cannibal as he ended up eating Dale and Peggy all in one bite. Oh they must of tasted bloody horrendous as eating them caused Bill to make a horrifying face. With no one standing in his way, Bill headed into Peggy's closet and pulled out one of her dresses and proceeded to dress himself up for the occasion.

Luckily for Bill, Hank and Bobby never suspected anything. The Arlen Police Department never bothered looking into the disappearances of Dale and Peggy as no one really liked the pair anyway. Did you? Anyways, from that point on, Bill disguised himself as Peggy in order to keep attending dinner with Hank and Bobby. Bill was so over confident that he even went as far as to invite his recently bought Komodo dragon to dinner. During said dinner, Bill's pet Komodo dragon ended up biting Bobby's hand. "Guess he's pretty hungry right son?" Hank joked. Everyone laughed, but Bobby ended up dying not long after due to the Komodo dragon's bacteria saliva getting into his system. What makes Bobby run? Could it be a Komodo dragon that I smell? Hank then raised his wine glass up in a toast as he said, "here's to us." Bill tapped Hank's glass and smiled a genuine smile at the toast headed propane salesman. This time there was dinner for ole Bill Dauterive, and you bet your Aunt Sally he was going to enjoy it! And with that the episode ended, and after the credits were over it showed a SICK clip which had Hank removing his head revealing it to have been a mask. His real head was indeed a piece of toast just as I had suspected.

Getting up from the sofa, I looked over at Big Pat and saw him listening to a podcast by Uncle Remus. Gosh darn it all to heck! This episode of King Of The Hill has only served to bring Big Pat and my other neighbours closer to together. I then decided that I would be taking matters into my own hands. I headed upstairs into my bedroom, and grabbed my shotgun from the foot of the bed. Yes we keep a foot in our bed what of it? Grabbing the shotgun, I headed back downstairs and got ready to blast Big Pat's ass. "Unlucky and unwise for those who dare to step into my domain! Let's give them a warm welcome!" I yelled at the very tippy top of my lungs as both Dot and the two chickens made like a tree and ran down the roads never to be seen again. Well that's a lie cause I totally saw Chick and Stu on Reddit the other day, but regardless of that fact Big Pat turned out to be a pretty darn good fighter. Big Pat proceeded to chase me around the house, and managed to defeat me. Always being a coward and being too proud to admit, I decided to also make like a tree and flee by escaping into my secret garden. Big Pat however was in hot pursuit, and had followed me into the garden.

In the garden, Big Pat began eating some basil from his jar as I appeared on a massive wrecking ball. I came in like a wrecking ball if you know what I mean? I swung myself towards Big Pat, however this ended up causing the chain which was holding the wrecking ball up in the air to break off. This of course resulted in me and the wrecking ball falling through the ground. After the fall ended, I got up from the wreckage of the wrecking ball, and grabbed my shotgun aiming it at Fat Pat who was wearing my hat and began crying like a little bitch. "Get ready for this!" I proclaimed as I got ready to take the shot. Suddenly, some really dumb looking flies got up in front of Big Pat and began threatening me with sign language. My darling wife and I had decided to keep flies in our basement as we planned on opening a fly circus in Bolivia one day. Maybe just one day. I was very scared of the flies so I attempted to run away only to get intercepted by my wife. My wife pulled me in for a bear hug and she nearly bloody broke my spine in half in the process. That's when my wife revealed that she had managed to land a job as a chef in a small town restaurant in the Bog of Murk. "You really mean that?" I asked like some kind of Maurice as Fat Pat spoke up, "she means it sexy now get the fuck out of my house!"

Since my wife and I were going to have to move to the Bog of Murk, my wife opted to give ownership of our old house over to Big Pat. Not that I minded anyway, though it would been nice if she had at least asked for my opinion on the matter. In our absence, Fat Pat and his pet dog Rufus converted our old house into a hotel where he would eat basil all day. Sadly. Pat didn't very good management at the hotel. Whenever someone came to the hotel, they would have to sit down in the main lobby of the hotel while Pat (who is hiding in a little rundown shack north of Al's Toy Barn), says into a microphone, "just relax." His voice is incredibly gruff sounding, but in a curious twist weirdly calming. Simply charming.

I quickly came to love living in the Bog of Murk. Living in the Bog of Murk, I was able to establish myself as a world famous hunter well famous in that region anyway. I became pretty famous in the Bog of Murk for hunting down world famous animals including the Golden Foot Goose and the Duck A Nose, and because these animals were so rare and famous it made a killing on the black market when I sold them. Using the money made from my sales on the black market, I was able to purchase a mansion in the upper class areas of the Bog of Murk. Meanwhile, my wife also found her footing here in the Bog of Murk, and she became pretty famous in the area for her luxury five star dishes. Though her dishes did sometimes have the weird side affect of turning people into frogs with helicopter hair, but I uh wouldn't pay too much attention to that if I were you!

I never thought I would say this, but I honestly have to thank Big Pat for making me realise that he was the friend that was there all along. I let him in and he let me down, but in the end he turned my life around for the better, and I believe he can change yours. Oh and as for my other neighbours. Last I heard, Dot is still working as a lunch lady, and Stu has began attending morgue parties with Donald Love, Farmer Ernest, and James King. Oh how delightfully mayonnaise. Goodbye for now readers for I think someone has just walked into my domain without an invitation. Could it be Rayman? Only time will tell I'm afraid. Well readers it's been fun but I gotta go. I got a date with destiny, and I'm craving some red potatoes. Ooh yes some nice tasty red potatoes!

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Credited to Bruno Tattagllia

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