Birds of a Feather (Sesame Street Lost Episode)
Call me Pompidou. Pompidou P Pompidou. Yes that's my name and don't you forget. If you do, I will give you a friendly reminder and a pat on the nose for being such a forgettable piece of tomato paste. Let me tell you something; money talks and if you don't got money then I'm afraid you're not going to get very far in this life. Believe me I would know. Allow me to explain if you'll let me that is. Would you kindly? Back in around 2015, my husband and part-time chewits dealer Peter Napaldi were living it up in the high life, and we owned our own mansion over in Walnut Pass. Our mansion was by the far the biggest mansion in all of Walnut Pass. Using my hard earned millions when I gained from being a member of James King's hedge fund loophole, I was able to buy myself a load of luxury items including an incredibly smelly butler named Hoover. Hoover is incredibly smelly and always pulls faces which look like he's just smelt the smelliest fart that has ever been smelt. Hoover got his iconic name because his father was a big supporter of Henry Hoover, or at least that's what the papers claim. In reality, no one ever proved it. I also went out of my way to buy a fucking talking dog named Marion. MARION! Sorry it's just taken me this long to realise what a stupid name that really is. Very naughty of me to have named her that isn't it my pork? Marion is an incredibly smart dog who wears glasses so that's how you know she's smart. Sadly, Marion has been away recently due to her now attending Oxford University with one of McCluskey's sons. I heard Spider-Man was there. Also, Marion has a serious addiction to fry ups, and once tried to eat my fry up until Hoover and I told her nac oes. Have you not dreamed of telling your dog to not eat your fry up?
My husband Peter Napaldi and I met at Playhouse Disney in around ooh 2007 maybe 2008. We were both interns and bonded over our love of cargo holders in Boston and Las Venturas. At the time, Peter had a wife named Emily who well for a lack of a better word was a total bitch. She used to eat Coco Pops with a fork, and she also used to spit in Peter's cups of hot steamy Tetley Tea. That is just so sick and wrong on so many levels! Thankfully, Emily ended up getting killed in a violent plane crash along with her undercover lover Colonel Bolonel, after the latter made a rather disgusting episode of My Friends Tigger & Pooh which led to me, Peter, and the rest of the staff all getting fired from Playhouse Disney. It is also what led to the company's name being changed to Disney Junior. I believe Peter already posted his account of the events that took place that fruitful day in December of 2010. So see it now! After getting fired from Playhouse Disney, Peter and I became involved in a hedge fund scheme launched by corrupt businessman James King.
James King is an incredibly powerful businessman who is to known to throw morgue parties from time to time. James helps kickstart several run of the mil companies including the small town fish and chips place where the chef gives two extra sausages to a homeless man, but only a slice of bread to the Baron of Barons. James King was however very corrupt as he used the hedge fund to scam money from the British Government. He viewed the government as being nothing more than a mild rectal itch, and so he offered me and Peter a slice of the pie. The hedge fund worked by stealing money from the bank accounts of the companies that James had chosen to invest his money into. He was covertly robbing them essentially. However, things all came crashing down when one of James' employees turned out to be an undercover FBI agent who had passed information on James' activities over to the Federal Bureau of Investigation. The Feds gave James a stiff sentence of 242 years in prison, but James only ended up serving six months after he joined up with the Mayo Gang. The Mayo Gang is a gang who are obsessed with salad cream, and seek to destroy any mayonnaise bottle in existence. Not were you expecting the Mayo Gang to be about, was it my little cheeky chocolate digestive biscuit? Gosh I'm such a prick. Anyways, James is a completely different man these days as he got a piece of metal stabbed into his head. The head injury has caused James to become very charitable, and he now lives in a cardboard box just north of Strawberry. He still kept some feelers out back home in Walnut Pass so we don't need to worry about that.
When the news of the hedge fund scam became public, Peter and I were brought in front of the grand court, but we were able to evade justice by singing a song about how sometimes an ugly little shrew will rub her nose in an attempt to con stationmasters out of their boiled eggs. The big chungus judge looking over the case was so moved by the song that Peter and i were allowed to walk away free just like that. However, our lives became upturn as the judge had us forcibly evicted from our mansion. You see; the judge was incredibly corrupt, and he wanted to conceal his corruption by evicting me and my friends from our home. Not really sure how evicting us from our home would help save his reputation, but whatever that big chungus judge ain't too bright ya know? And so needing a place to stay; Peter and I bought an old rundown caravan in the rural countryside just a few square yards from the town of Greendale. What time will Jimmy The Lid be there? Sorry, I'm not sure how my shopping list got into this story. Anyways, living in a caravan isn't very good as it's very cramped. This was mainly Peter's fault as he bought loads of portraits of incredibly scary people who stare at you, but when you look back you see only windows instead. Though through it all the portraits offer you protection whether you're right or wrong. Around this time, Marion got an internship at Oxford University, and decided to go there in order to gain a degree in economics. I'm sure most dogs have a keen interest in economics. So with Marion leaving the nest, Peter and I decided to fill the void of her absence by adopting a child named Ryan Pi.
Ryan Pi was once a junior cadet at a military school up in New Hampshire, but he was fired after he insulted his barber for having a thing for making people balder than a boiled egg. Being a bald man myself, I take great offence at that remark. Peter and I don't believe in education, so we've decided to home school Ryan. Ryan is a very weird kid as he is obsessed with dolls, and he has an entire room in an underground bunker hidden beneath our trailer dedicated to them. One time at military school, Ryan stole a doll that was meant to be given to General W.R Monger. Exactly what W.R Monger had wanted to do with that doll is anyone's guess. Though I think we can safely assume it involved Netflix and eggs. Oh yeah I went there. The problem with adopting Ryan was that it meant we had yet another mouth to feed. We needed some more space ya know? So seeking to rebuild my fortunes and possibly get my mansion back, I agreed to go on a hunting trip with Hoover and Amos Slade. We headed to Lake Vernon, and attempted to catch some fish but I was very stupid back then as I neglected to listen to any of Slade's advice. "Why aren't you listening to me you stupid prick?" Amos Slade asked before bellowing, "now take the damn shot!" Yes, Slade was using guns to catch the fish as he did own a fishing rod. Can we get him one? I don't know probably. I however ended up shooting my shotgun at an old bee nest which was located on the tree just above me, Slade, and Hoover. The bee nest ended up landing on top of Slade's head who may I add was pulling a very stupid face before it happened. Slade then began running around the lake like a little bitch trying his best to get the damn bee nest off, and he was stung so much that he was forced to be taken to the Royal Hope Hospital.
Following Slade to the hospital, I was for some reason mistaken for being a doctor by the nurses which is actually because my older brother is a doctor. His name is not important but it rhymes with waste disposal management in Bolivia. Now, I'm no doctor so I ended up sticking my entire head through Slade's ear and came it the other ear. "I can see my house from here!" I proclaimed happily as I was then forcibly removed from Slade's ear, and evicted from the hospital and being warned to never ever return. While on my way back to the trailer, I attempted to take part in a charity gala where you had to guess the correct weight of a cake. However, I was already feeling like quite a bastard that day so I instead opted to eat the entire cake and no one else in the charity gala got to eat any of it. After eating the cake, I put the weight down as being 0 pounds which did not amuse the bakers as they refused me to pay me the big cash prize of £99. Well there was either the HUGE cash prize or spend a week at Wrestle Camp. Which would you go for? Just be careful because your answer may end up distressing Mr Krabs. As if those two events were bad enough; that very evening I received a visit from two bailiffs. "Pompidou P Pompidou?" One of the bailiffs inquired to which I responded with, "yes Pompidou P Pompidou." The pair then proceeded to hand me my eviction notice as I had spent so much time dicking around with Slade and Hoover that I had completely forgotten to pay the bills. Disgraced, I looked down at the floor at my slippers and saw that bills had actually been pilling up for months, but I had just completely forgotten and neglected to pay them. "You have two days to get your affairs in order before we evict ya ass." The bailiffs explained as they left me alone to my thoughts.
Not wanting to end up homeless, I agreed to join Hoover in a risky venture. We decided to borrow a VHS tape from Tony Ciparini a local small time but still dangerous gangster who has a lot of connections to some big shot from New York City. Upon being given the VHS tape, Hoover inquired, "I say old boy why are you giving us such a VHS tape for?" Tony Ciparini puffed on a cigar as he said, "I need you to sell it to the Yazuka leader Kenji Kasen. He may be sticking a firecracker up your arse, but don't take much notice." "So you're trying to kickstart a war with the Yazuka?" I asked but Ciparini didn't answer. Annoyingly, before Hoover and I could even head back to the trailer we were forced to help Ciparini get his washing done at the local laundromat which disallows people to enter holding baseball bats. Tony wasn't very smart as he thought you could wash baseball bats in the washing machine which led to him getting chased out of the laundromat by a rightfully pissed off owner. "Shake these fools!" Tony barked at the top of his lungs as we were forced to take Ciparini with us back to the trailer. Arriving at the trailer, I finally asked Tony what the VHS is all about. "Oh it's an episode of Sesame Street. Kenji is scared of Sesame Street, as it is Sesame Street that killed his brother Penji." Our trailer was in the middle of getting torn down by the bailiffs, but we were still allowed entry. Inside the trailer, we found Ryan to be brushing the hair of one of his dolls.
After explaining the situation over to Ryan, he asked if he could watch it with us and Hoover agreed. I pulled out an extra chair from my ass for Tony Ciparini to sit on though I noticed he had become very shifty ever since coming into our trailer. Whatever it's probably nothing. Foreshadowing! Now because we're skint, it means we don't have the money to buy a DVD player. We do own a VCR though which Hoover had gotten from his mother back in the Summer of 42 after he punched Tics Tacs out of the local bully's mouth. Yeah seriously; Hoover was a pretty tough kid back then. Ryan popped the VHS into the VCR. Oh and before I forget; oh I mustn't forget to mention that the tape had nothing on it but if you were to zoom in at least 9.990042% you would see Joe Biden's nose. Now how could that be anything but a political statement? Maybe Ciparini was receiving his kickbacks from Biden? The world may never know, and it's also worth mentioning that Joe Biden was not the President at the time of this story taking place. We were still in the middle of a Trump dump if you know what I mean. Also, I guess my VCR didn't like the VHS very much as it caused the system to start shaking violently, and to start making horrifying noises. Fearing for my life, I decided to pour some milk onto the VCR which somehow managed to fix the issue.
The VHS showed no commercials instead cutting straight to the theme song of Sesame Street. It was very weird. It was sang by Smash Mouth, and the children featured in the theme song were actually middle aged bank tellers trying their best to make Voodoo dolls of big fat businessmen. After the theme song ended, the episode began with Big Bird just walking around Sesame Street. He was licking his lips because apparently he was incredibly thirsty. Needing a drink desperately, Big Bird decided to head on over to Hooper's Store. However, I must admit I was rather surprised to see who was running the store. "Is that..." Ryan began but I cut him off with, "yes it is it's Stretch." Harold 'Stretch' Joseph was the owner of Hooper's and according to newspaper clippings found thrown around the room he had gained ownership of the store after getting involved in a violent bloodbath with some business rivals from Santa Monica. Big Bird made his way up to the front desk and asked for a chocolate milkshake. "You got money punk?" Stretch asked who looked like he wanted to eat Big Bird for his dinner. "Well no." Big Bird said rather sheepishly before continuing with, "Alan usually lets me get my milkshakes for free and..." "FREE!?" Stretch cried at the top of his lungs before proceeding to pull out a handgun, and pointing it right at Big Bird's head. "You ain't got no respect buster!" Stretch yelled as he threatened to shoot Big Bird's beak off. Not wanting to escalate the situation any further, Big Bird started to slowly back his way out of the store only to end up tripping on a conveniently placed banana peel. The banana peel caused Big Bird to fall on top of Telly crushing his back in half. "Big Bird! Get off me you stupid bastard!" Telly cried in pain as Big Bird struggled to get off from him. After getting off Telly, Big Bird ran out of Hooper's and saw a rather odd sight.
Kermit Da Frog was filming his own segment which involved him interviewing some very serious looking scientists. Kermit was asking the scientists about the vaccine to the brand new bird flu, and if there will be a second wave to the flu. "Hmm but what will Congress say should the vaccine be banned in Boston like it was in Russia?" Kermit asked one of the scientists who simply responded and I quote, "I don't fucking know." For some reason, Big Bird took a very amorous interest in the camera that Kermit was using in order to film the interview, and decided that he wanted a piece of some nice action. Big Bird came up to where the interview was taking place, and proceeded to rudely push Kermit out of the way, It seems that Big Bird did not know his own strength as the sheer force of his push caused Kermit to go flying to the other side of Sesame Street. Big Bird tricked the scientists into thinking he was Kermit's eager assistant, and the scientists seemed to buy the lie. "Hmm now about this new cure?" Big Bird asked as one of the scientists held up the cure to the virus. It was a very large and scary looking mosquito contained in a small glass jar. It was buzzing around like no tomorrow as the scientists explained that so far this is the only sample of the cure to the bird flu. Wanting to get a better look and not realising he could simply zoom in with the camera, Big Bird instead opted to move the camera closer and closer to the group of the scientists. Unbeknownst to Big Bird however, one of the scientists (the one holding the jar), had some serious intestinal problems meaning he smelt like rotten meat and looked sicker than Arthur Morgan all the damn time. Well gee that's got to suck! Big Bird ended up pushing the camera right into the scientist's chest which caused him to start vomiting out his intestines, and dropping the mosquito jar on the floor in the process.
The jar broke into a million tiny bite size pieces, and the escaped mosquito though thankful for Big Bird helping in it's escape still wanted to attack Big Bird for being a fucking weirdo. Yeah well can you blame him? Thinking quickly, Big Bird borrowed a butterfly net from a local hunter, and tried his damn best to catch the mosquito who was spitting acid and high levels of corn syrup on all the residents of Sesame Street. "Fucking die!" Bert yelled at the very top of his lungs as he attempted to shoot the damn mosquito down with a shotgun. Luckily for Bert, he and Ernie had gone gun shopping earlier that day as they were trying to train their own ant circus to crawl through car doors. Bert suggested that he and Ernie get the guns in order to scare the ants into submission. Should have tried bumble bees Bert! The mosquito picked up Bert & Ernie somehow, and began flying with them towards his nest all the way over in Peppermint Park. To say that Big Bird was reprimanded for losing the cure to the bird flu would be the understatement of the century. All characters took turns yelling at Big Bird even Mr Snuffleupagus and Abby Cadabby took turns to yell at Big Bird which seems very out of character for them if we're being honest here people. It's also worth mentioning that Mr Snuffleupagus looked wrong. His eyes were bulging like some kind of Luca Brasi, and his mouth was swollen. Not only that but there was a fricking Komodo dragon living inside of Snuffy's mouth which made him look even larger than he actually was. Seeing his two best friends in the whole entire world was just too much for Big Bird, and in sheer terror he decided to catch the subway to Downtown Sesame Street. It's also worth noting that I was watching this episode while in the bath, and that I bath in vinegar. Yes, I keep a bathtub in my living room don't you? "Pompi!" Hoover yelled angrily as I was getting bubbles all over the fucking place!
Arriving in Downtown Sesame Street, Big Bird was walking for awhile until he ran into an all too familiar Muppet who goes by the name of Monty P. Hey don't pretend reader we all know who that is! He is the most iconic and famous Muppet of them all. He's been with the show since 1492 to be exact. Monty P was responsible for bringing out some of the more mature themes in Sesame Street including episodes about him dealing dope to Cookie Monster's solicitor, and taking part in the murder of six Tattaglia gunmen who tried to execute Bert after they believed he was in bed with the Molinari's. Though it's not very hard to see why they suspected Bert of this. Especially after Bert got Ernie and Grover involved in the drug trade. Monty P was an old friend of Big Bird, and asked, "hey Big Bird what's with the long face got a broom up your arse or something?" "Nope I just had a bad day that's all." Big Bird admitted, but Monty P could see through his ruse and said, "now look you can be honest with me." It was clear to me from this encounter that Monty was an undercover Vice detective. Sesame Street according to the newspapers found in Hooper's Store at the beginning of the episode was in the middle of a massive drug crisis, and several dealers were trying to muscle their way into some nice action. Actually my theory turned out being completely wrong as two seconds later, Monty revealed that he was actually a priest and part-time hitman for the Atlanta Corporation, and he told Big Bird that there was a gang in Sesame Street known as The Byrd Crime Syndicate ran by a bird named James Byrd. "Why does that have got to do with me?" Big Bird inquired as Monty P responded with, "well; it's just that Mr Byrd and his associates are facing the same predicaments as you are my little cheese grater." He then coughed out some eye balls as he then continued with, "they need a bird like you in their service, and I'm sure they'd be more than happy to help you get some sweet revenge on that bastard Stretch and those prick scientists." Big Bird decided to tempt fate, and asked Monty for an address.
The head of The Byrd Crime Syndicate was a crow named James Byrd. Byrd had established himself as a career criminal by stealing shower curtains in Empire Bay for three years. "I got shower curtains! Mother of pearl!" Byrd would proclaim as he shoved the curtains into his beak. Somehow by shoving the shower curtains into his beak, Mr Byrd was able to charge an inflated price for the damn things. People will do anything these days for prime shower curtains even yours truly. Before we go on with the episode, I need to explain that from this point until the end credits; Tony Ciparini was acting very weirdly and kept fidgeting in his seat. "What's the matter?" Ryan asked as Ciparini responded with, "just trying to chew the dog." Yes, Tony sure does love chewing dogs. Chewing hot dogs that is! Ha ha LOL XD ROFL! I apologize for that, but in any case, Big Bird arrived at Byrd's Mansion which was located on the very outskirts of Sesame Street. Big Bird knocked on the green door 566 times before finally being let in by Byrd's assistants who were these really annoying pigeons. The pigeons initially refused to introduce Big Bird to their leader, but after some persuasions i.e. contracts to appear in the new Tom & Jerry Movie, they agreed to bring Big Bird into the house. The house was beautiful, and yet something seemed to be oddly familiar about it. That's when it hit me. "Oh by Joe!" I proclaimed as I began eating a banana. "Pos pos?" Hoover asked who was very drunk on well we can guess it was wimp rat juice as I responded with, "that's our old mansion Hoover." "You fucking what?" Tony Ciparini barked in the careless whisper of a good friend. I got up from the sofa and attempted to run outside in order to inform Peter of those bastards over at Disney filming Sesame Street episodes in our house only to find that Ciparini had handcuffed me to the sofa while I was busy eating that delicious banana. "You ain't going nowhere until we finish this episode." Ciparini warned as I was forced to sit back down. I ended up sitting on Hoover's lap, and I heard a loud snapping noise but I'm sure it was nothing.
Now, James Byrd being a very short sighted bird initially believed based on the story from the pigeons that Big Bird was an undercover cop. Byrd got right up in Big Bird's grill and asked in an incredibly sinister tone; "you know what happens to rats Big Bird?" "Uh no well people leave out mouse traps and...." Big Bird was cut off as he was pushed onto the kitchen table by the pigeons. Byrd meanwhile pulled out a large and rusty meatcleaver. Big Bird however was not as stupid as it seems as he was able to deflect the blame of being a rat over to Byrd's transport liaison Ming who was a very ugly looking motherfucker with like no teeth, though he did have an addiction to chewits so perhaps once again society is to blame. Poor Ming. James Byrd threw the meat cleaver right at Ming's head and it managed to slice his face in half like a Twix chocolate bar. Ming fell to the floor dead as Byrd began rubbing Big Bird's eyes. "Welcome to the Syndicate Big Bird, but first you must pass a test." So for the next twenty minutes, Big Bird was forced to partake in a really boring exam as the screen had transitioned to show him sitting inside of a large empty and downright smelly exam hall. After completing the exam and handing the paper into the old exam administrator who has a hook nose, Big Bird was finally fully inducted into The Byrd Crime Syndicate. Big Bird's first job for the Syndicate was to help take control of Sesame Street's drug trade by killing the two most powerful dealers in town; Stretch and King Courtney who heads the Uptown Yardies. Uptown Yardies they've been living in an uptown world!
Needing some serious firepower for the job, Big Bird opted to pay a visit to Vincenzo Cilli at his warehouse down in Atlantic Quays. Vincenzo offered to help Big Bird with taking down King Courtney claiming that Courtney had began stealing his customers, and was selling dope to the Rice Brothers against Vincenzo's wishes. Big Bird and Vincenzo headed on down to the Sesame Street Dockyards, with Vincenzo demanding that Big Bird get on one of the old abandoned freighters. Once inside of the freighter, It's worth noting that on the side of the boat the name Old Jack could be seen. So anyways, Big Bird made his way below deck into the ship's cargo hold where he found an incredibly old sea captain named Old Jack and his dog named Salty. He named the dog Salty because in 2003 he had a brief stint of being addicted to salt. He would have salt on anything; fish and chips, chocolate cake, cereal, and even electrical equipment. As it turns out Vincenzo had actually set Big Bird up to be killed by Old Jack, but Old Jack was so delighted when he heard that Big Bird had joined up with the Byrd Syndicate that he offered to help Big Bird find King Courtney. According to Jack, Courtney was making soup at his warehouse as he was known to have a healthy business relationship with Minnie Mouse of all people. So King Courtney was the one making the soup that Minnie would give to Goofy whenever he catches a rather nasty cold. Not so tough now ay Minnie! Side note; what if Minnie Mouse was really just Mickey Mouse dressed in drag? Think about that. Vincenzo then came into the cargo hold carrying an Uzi as he asked, "is that dumbass bird dead yet?" Before Vincenzo could get an answer, the episode cut to black for two seconds. I guess the creators decided to cut out the scene where Old Jack informs Vincenzo of his alliance with Big Bird. It's a darn shame too as it was a very funny scene which involved a super karaoke dance party in which Big Bird and Vincenzo sang about a bird in Chinatown who turned into a fortune cookie. I'm sure we've all heard that story at least once in our pathetic lives.
When the episode came back it was shown that Big Bird, Old Jack, Salty Dog, and Vincenzo were now all on the top of the ship. Jack was driving obviously, and Big Bird was using a telescope in order to marvel Sesame Street from across the sea. "Where we headed?" Big Bird asked. "Well King Courtney usually heads to the local Café for lunch at 2:30 in the afternoon; so we'll start with him." Jack then proceeded to light himself a pipe as he then continued with, "once we've dealt with Courtney; we'll take down Stretch. He's over in Townsend Street handling some affairs with the street sweepers." Turns out Old Jack wasn't a very good driver as he was far too busy singing his trademark song to even bother noticing that his boat was swaying violent from left to right. "This is the place to be for Salty Dog and me; down by the harbour we'll be there; round every corner there's something to share give us a cheer our friends are here this is Salty Dog and me." Old Jack sang at the very top of his lungs. "Jesus Jack you drive like a bitch!" Vincenzo cried as the ship ended up crashing into a conveniently placed ice berg, It was rather odd that there was an ice berg in the ocean this episode quite clearly takes place in the Summer time when the weather is fine, but whatever. Also, the sheer impact of the ship crashing into the ice berg was so bad that it caused Vincenzo to fall off the ship and into the deep dark grey and murky ocean below. I heard Mayor Hall pours battery acid into the ocean which is why it looks so fucking disgusting. Instead of helping Vincenzo get back onto the ship, Big Bird instead proclaimed, "goodbye weakling!" Hmm that seems rather out of character for Big Bird to have said that, but whatever I brushed it off as Big Bird and Old Jack ended up riding the ship onto the shore. For the next five minutes, Big Bird and Old Jack rode their ship through the streets of Sesame Street completely destroying anything in their path. They even managed to run over Monty P killing him instantly. Oh Monty P we hardly knew ya.
Eventually, Old Jack ended up crashing the ship into an old retirement home. The old ladies at the retirement home who were providing their pension funds to the Albanians seemed to be rather impassive about the fact that Old Jack had crashed his boat into their retirement home. Well not all of them were particularly pleased as one of the old ladies jammed a spear right into Old Jack's head which he then spent the next two minutes trying his absolute best to remove it. It was quite cringy to watch so I attempted to turn my head away from the screen which resulted in Tony Ciparini putting a handgun to my forehead. "Did I say you could turn away?" Ciparini questioned before continuing with, "keep watching that episode or else you'll end up sleeping with the fishes. Nobody messes with Tony Ciparini!" After getting the spear out, Old Jack ended up throwing it across the street like an idiot and it ended up stabbing Mr Johnson right in the back. Needing to eliminate King Courtney, Big Bird suggested that he and Jack take a cab. Even those cabs don't usually allow dogs in them, this cab was very lenient on the account that the driver was blind and yet he still knew the streets of Sesame Street like the back of his foot. The cab eventually pulled up outside of the local café in Downtown Sesame Street. Big Bird and Old Jack didn't bother to tip the driver and instead gave him a pebble, those bastards deserve to be hit by a smooth criminal. Big Bird looked through the window of the café, and learned that King Courtney's men were all in there in order to protect him. Rationalising that he couldn't just go in there guns blazing, Big Bird had to think of a new way to infiltrate the café undetected.
Thinking quickly, Big Bird disguised himself as a mailman or mail bird I guess and headed inside the café. Big Bird tricked King Courtney into thinking he had a package for him. "Well bring it here then mon." King Courtney said as Big Bird pulled out a fricking AK47, and got ready to blast Courtney's brains out. "Someone clap this fool!" King Courtney commanded, but his troops had already ditched the scene and were running down the streets. They had no come prepared for this sudden arrival, and Big Bird had used the element of surprise to his advantage. Big Bird put the AK47 right to King Courtney's forehead as he began pleading for his life with, "mon if you kill me the cops are going to be all over your ass. I'll do anything just please don't kill me ya know?" Big Bird put the AK47 down as he began to question his morals. Could Big Bird really bring himself to kill an innocent man, could he really kill the poor son of a bitch before he even gets a chance to eat his cheesy beans on toast, and could he really kill someone whose got a PPI account. I think not! And so, Big Bird opted not to kill King Courtney, and it was a good thing too as the Sesame Street SWAT Team then appeared on the scene, and attempted to arrest Big Bird but he was able to evade their arrest by pretending to be a carrot. Leaving the café, Big Bird pretended that he had killed King Courtney, and asked for Old Jack to take him to Stretch's crib.
Over on Townsend Street, Stretch was discussing diplomatic relations with the local street sweepers who have got bigger plans than trees I tell you what! Okay so this next scene was really weird as it had Big Bird challenging Stretch to a football match. Sadly, Stretch is proper dumb and thought Big Bird had said harmonic reinforcements, and this led to the pair playing basketball instead. "Suck a tribble baby!" A sports commentator could be heard proclaiming in the background. I couldn't be too sure but he sounded as though he was high on toast. Stretch was very skilled at basketball, and he instead up kicking Big Bird's arse. Old Jack tried to get in on the game, but even he was no match for Stretch. This confused Big Bird since Old Jack used to be known as the basketball king of the Midwest, but it turns out that he had misheard and that Old Jack was actually the bingo king of the Midwest. An easy mistake to make I'm sure! "Oh fuck this!" Big Bird yelled as he pulled out the AK47 from earlier, and proceeded to gun down Stretch. Once again, the henchmen did nothing to help their fallen leader and instead ran down the street crying like little bitches as the cops then appeared on the scene to apprehend Big Bird and Old Jack. However as if by magic, the pair had already completely disappeared, and had put on their running shoes. The pair ran all the way back to James Byrd's crib.
At the Byrd residence, James Byrd congratulated Big Bird for his success over a bowl of Christmas punch. "Right so uh what happens now?" Big Bird inquired. That's when a large group of federal agents came into the mansion holding very powerful weapons. "You think I'm an idiot sonny? You didn't kill King Courtney! I can't trust someone who only does half a job what do you think I am a chemist?" James Byrd joked. That joke makes no fucking sense. As it turns out the owner of the café King Courtney was eating at was on Byrd's payroll, and she had snitched on Big Bird and told James about his lack of success in killing King Courtney. It is left unexplained as to how James found out about Stretch. Though one could assume he read the paper. Read the papers. There's lots of stories in there including some stories about cannibal geese with red eyes that glow in the dark like a Christmas tree man just like a Christmas tree. Furious over Big Bird's failure, James Byrd opted to hire the Sesame Street Bureau of Investigation to kill him and Old Jack. "Time's up Big Bird!" Byrd said evilly. "I don't think so!" Big Bird bellowed at the very tippy top of his lungs as he threw some salt right into Byrd's eyes. "Ah I said no salt!" Byrd cried as he attempted to get the salt grains out of his damn eyes. The Feds were so busy laughing at Byrd's misery that they had failed to notice Big Bird and Old Jack leaving the mansion via the fire exit. "So uh where now?" Old Jack asked as he began rummaging through the dumpster located behind the mansion, and was able to find some cheesy tacos which were covered in snails. "I know a place." Big Bird said like some kind of Pigeon Lady, as he and Old Jack caught yet another cab.
The episode then cut to show that Big Bird and Old Jack had fled to New York City which is supposedly where Sesame Street is located, I uh doubt it I think it's located in North Yankton or something pretty sure anyway. While in New York, the pair were able to infiltrate the Feathered Friends' Board of Birds by brutally assassinating the current head whose name has yet to be revealed, and the pair took control of the Board of Birds and that's when Big Bird showed just how truly cunning of a bird he could really be. Conspiring with Old Jack and social worker Miss Finch, Big Bird completely took control of Central Park, and turned into a bird sanctuary of sorts. In order to keep the sanctuary running smoothly, Big Bird put a costly protection racket on all the stores in The Bronx and Queens. He left Stanton Island and Brooklyn in control of his trusted lieutenant Old Jack and his pet Salty Dog. This truly was the place to be for Salty Dog and me. Now what made the Board so dangerous was the very fact that they operated above the law, and Big Bird now considered himself to be far too above the law to be at risk of being taken down. So it was in that sense that both James Byrd and King Courtney wisely decided to sue for peace with Big Bird who had pretty much elected himself as the undisputed kingpin of New York City. Of course, every now and then someone tries to challenge his leadership, but Big Bird has contacts all around and is able to kill anyone who dare challenge him in his business. It was around this time, Big Bird became a much more cruller muppet though he kept a good public image by donating to several charities, rebuilding Gimbels from the ground up, and even taking over the Plaza Hotel after being given special permission from the hotel's ex owner and former President Donald J Trump.
Now, Big Bird did many horrible things after taking control of New York City, but one of the worst things he did was destroy the cure to the bird flu. You see; one day while attending a boring board meeting at an old rundown saw mil in Queens, the mosquito flew into Big Bird's office. "Big Bird that mosquito could make us billionaires!" Miss Finch proclaimed happily, but it was far too late as Big Bird had already eaten the mosquito. Big Bird claims to have not heard Miss Finch's pleas, but I beg to differ. I know for a fact that Big Bird heard what she said, but he does not give a fuck about the idea of this mosquito possibly saving millions of people's lives so he ate it. It was mainly to get back at the scientists from the beginning of the episode. Big Bird was so cold that he even recruited the smelly pigeons from earlier into his ranks. The pigeons are incredibly smelly, and they sing the smelliest show tunes that you ever did hear. It sounds worse than someone farting into a megaphone at max sound. Honestly it's that blooming bad! It's also rumoured that Big Bird started getting involved in the drug trade, and was dealing heroin on the side despite warning Old Jack and Miss Finch from getting involved in the trade citing it as a being awful dirty business. So why was there heroin hidden beneath the soup bowls at the old soup kitchen in Albany then Big Bird. You hypocritical ass wipe. You know what I think? I think the betrayal of James Byrd and the rude actions of Big Bird's neighbours back in Sesame Street is what helped to show us who Big Bird really is. A monster and that's just sick. The episode then ended with a small post credit scene which had Grover snorting crack I think. Though some people on IMDB claim it's powdered milk, but again the nagging worry what was Grover snorting in that famous post credit scene. Probably some of Mr Johnson's leftover honey sugar.
I have to say that episode was blooming disgusting. What a bobby jaguar! That episode made me realise just how much of a sick twisted bastard that Big Bird really is. Big Bird more like Big Prick am I right? My VCR must have felt the same way as it started to rumble very violently. "This is it!" Tony Ciparini cackled as he then ran out of our trailer as the VCR exploded into a million tiny bite size pieces. So that's why Ciparini was acting so shifty and was fidgeting constantly. I just thought he had the flu. After speaking with some bomb experts who were fricking worms; apparently, Ciparini and his associate an old oriental gentlemen had stuck some dynamite onto the bottom of my VCR. The reason? Well it turns out that Ciparini had been bought out by the two bailiffs who were trying to evict me at the very beginning of this story. Ciparini had intended for the blast to kill me and my friends, but he failed to realise that I have a force field built around my TV in case of emergencies like this one. So tough luck Mr Ciparini! "So what happens now?" Ryan asked as he began sweeping up the now destroyed VCR. "Hmm... I have an idea it's a bit of a smeg one, but it's an idea none the less." I said to which Ryan asked, "oh really and what's that?" "Well; there's this guy over on Harbird whose hiring people to work in his casino. He runs a pottery class in one of the backrooms of the casino, and he pays anyone who attends the classes £55,000 a class. So, I reckon that's my best bet to make back the money needed to pay those two bastard bailiffs." At that moment, my husband Peter came into the trailer, and though he was initially quite cross about what had happened to his prize VCR, he soon changed his tune once he learned that I was planning on getting myself a job over at the local casino. "Can I come with ya?" Peter asked before continuing with, "I may be a very short sighted old bastard, but I know a thing or two when it comes to pottery."
The pottery classes didn't last very long. Primarily because the owner of the casino Kenji Kasen a rude bugger. Kenji and his sister lead the local Yakuza, and he owns a casino which serves as one of the Yakuza's primary fronts. A lot of protection money comes through the casino. Kasen was very rude to me for having a bald head, and would often joke that my head looks more like a boiled egg than a head. That's just so sick and wrong! Also, Kenji is one to talk. He has perhaps the strongest lisp I have ever heard in my life, and I've seen... actually I've got nothing to compare it to it's just that bad. Also, as it turns out I was very wrong about assuming I had skills in pottery as I ended up throwing a bowl right at Hoover's chest which nearly made him vomit out his intestines or perhaps shit them out as it was half past two in the afternoon after all. The really cringy teacher of the pottery class demanded that I apologize, and when I refused I was forcibly evicted off the premises. From that point on, Peter and I were both barred from every returning to the casino again. Some good came out of all this though as Marion eventually came home from Oxford University after graduating earlier or perhaps it's because she ate her lecturer. Seriously look it up in the Sun, Marion is a sick fuck. I was getting even more desperate to earn my fortunes back so I decided to try my hand at winning the lottery. I managed to get the first number on my lottery ticket, but because I'm such a stupid bastard I ended up not realising that you needed all the numbers on your lottery ticket in order to win the prize money.
Hoover on the other hand as it turns out had bought a ticket of his own, and as such was able to win the game with no problems asked. He had all the winning numbers it would seem. Hoover paid off the two bailiffs, and using his hard earned millions he was able to convert the entire trailer into a mansion of sorts. Marion also became something of a leach during this period, as she refused to associate with me any further and instead became souly loyal to Hoover. Ain't got no respect that dog hasn't! Hoover used his money in order to impose fear onto Peter and I. The pair of us were forced to take out all of the really boring chores that Hoover would have been doing had he still of been a butler. However our lives became upturned in more ways than one, when we were sent on an errand by Hoover to retrieve a brand flat screen television from Argos. To make a long story short, upon getting back to the trailer, Peter and I kept procrastinating setting the damn thing by downing six cups of hot sweet Tetley Tea all for free. Once we got the TV safely inside the trailer, Peter suggested laying the thing down onto the table, and he and I went into the kitchen in order to make yet another cup of tea. Upon returning to the living room, we both sat down on top of the TV which caused the screen to shatter into a million tiny bite size pieces. Not wanting Hoover to realise that we had broken his brand new TV, we decided to act out all the shows he was going to watch, but he saw through the charade very quickly and put a hit out on us.
That same day, myself, Peter, and Ryan all went on the run to Kensington; the royal borough up top. Having not even a cent to my name, I was forced to start living in a cardboard box just north of Strawberry. Yeah we didn't stay in Kensington for very long primarily because Hoover had a lot of connections down there. Now living inside a cardboard box, isn't that bad as you might think as it's allowed for me to take a second look at my life choices up to that point. Things eventually starting improving for me and my family slowly but surly. I was able to land myself a few gigs at the local karaoke bar by becoming a Freddie Mercury impersonated, and singing Queen which disgusts all the patrons present but they are forced to endure it otherwise the owner will stick a nightstick up their arses. I eventually severed all ties with Hoover and Marion. One time, Hoover and Marion walked past us on a rainy afternoon in Kent, and I refused to acknowledge them and Marion's pathetic attempts to gain my attention. Sorry Marion, but I'm afraid the ship has sailed. You lost your right to speak to me when you decided to put money over friendship. According to you Marion, friendship don't mean shit. So, I guess I have to thank Tony Ciparini then, For if he had never bothered to give me that Sesame Street VHS tape I never would have been able to learn that bastard Hoover was just using me all along, and that he was likely never really my friend to begin with. Now to be fair, I can't say I can blame him in all honesty as I wasn't the best friend in the whole entire world, but still I figured Hoover would have handled his betrayal a little nicer. That goes for Marion too. Punks like those two deserve each other to be honest with ya. Peter, Ryan, and I now travel Great Britain performing gigs at various nightclubs and karaoke bars. If you ever see a cardboard box in the middle of the street, please do come and say hello because I'm be happy to see you and to perhaps even make you a hot sweet cup of tea! Goodbye readers this is Pompidou P Pompidou signing off! Ta ra!
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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