Black Adam.exe

I absolutely love the DCEU with all my heart. I've seen every movie in the cinematic universe at least 5000 times, and I've only had 15 seizures from it. I love movies like Aquaman, Shazam, and The Suicide Squad, but my favorite one of all time has to be Black Adam.

I've watched Black Adam 10000 times and it gets better everytime I see it. I've actually tried getting marriage certificates so I can legally marry my copy of the Black Adam DVD, but apparently that's "illegal", but I'll do it one day, just you wait.

One day, I was busy pillaging villages and killing in the name of Odin (I'm also a Viking if you didn't know) when I saw that one of the villagers I'd killed had a DVD in their possession. The title on the DVD case read, Black Adam.exe.

I immediately quit killing and scooped up the DVD. After all, anything related to the greatest superhero movie of all time has gotta be good, right?

I had arrived back home and put the DVD into my DVD player, ready to experience the awesomeness of Black Adam.

Right away, I knew something was up. On the DVD menu, instead of a picture of Black Adam and the Justice Society, it was a picture of a clown punching Ronald Reagan in the face.

The options on the menu were also quite strange. Instead of the usual options like, play movie, special features, and audio, the options were just kill your mom, kill your dad, kill your grandma, and various other kills, but I took it as a glitch and pressed play.

The movie started off like normal with Teth Adam and his family as slaves in ancient Kahndaq. Teth Adam tried to stage a rebellion against the leader of Kahndaq, but failed as he was taken prisoner and scheduled to be executed.

This was all very normal, but my blood turned to pink Coca-Cola once I saw what happened next.

When Teth Adam was about to be decapitated by the executioner, a bolt of lightning struck the boy and he was taken to another dimension, but this wasn't the lair of the wizard, Shazam, like it was in the movie.

Instead, Teth Adam was taken to the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese, and before him stood the almighty god of fun, Charles Entertainment Cheese.

Now I knew something was up. Why was Chuck E. Cheese here? He's not a DC character and doesn't even show up anywhere in Black Adam. I was beginning to think that maybe this DVD was actually a bootleg.

I still kept watching though, because I had nothing better to do.

Chuck E. Cheese handed Teth Adam a slice of pizza and said "eat this and you will gain power beyond your wildest dreams."

Teth Adam nodded his head and took a bite out of the pizza, but he didn't gain the powers of the superhero, Black Adam, oh no dear reader, Teth Adam turned into something much worse.

Teth Adam turned into the original mascot for Dunkin Donuts, Dunkie!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" I yelled.

I had been terrified of donuts since I was a kid. I always wondered why the middle part of the donut was missing and I came up with the solution that the middle part had actually escaped its doughy prison and was planning on killing me in my sleep.

So far it hasn't happened yet, but I always take an Uzi with me into Dunkin Donuts just in case.

Now Dunkie had been granted powers from the wizard, Chuck E. Cheese, and was prepared to take Kahndaq back from the colonizers who oppressed them!

Before the movie continued, I pressed the pause button because I was tired and it was nappy time.

I jumped into my Hello Kitty themed bed, closed my eyes, and went to sleep.

That night, I had a horrible nightmare. There were giant centipedes fighting against clones of Samuel L. Jackson while Dunkie was destroying my home town with his laser eyes!

But the worst part of all of this was that, they stopped making blue raspberry flavored ICEE!

It was chaos, and as things looked grim, Charles Stiles ran up and punched me in the face, causing me to wake up in a cold sweat.

I saw the TV was still on, so I decided to get back up and continue watching the movie. Hopefully it would get better.

The movie skipped straight to the fight with the Justice Society of America and here's where the movie got super dee-duper scary.

Instead of the lineup consisting of Hawkman, Dr. Fate, Atom Smasher, and Cyclone, the lineup consisted of Dr. Fate, Bubble Buddy, Doctor Cox, and Tomo Takino!

I thanked Odin at seeing a familiar face in Dr. Fate, but instead of putting on his trademark golden helmet to gain the powers of a god, he put on a cowboy hat and turned into Django (Franco Nero not Jamie Foxx) instead!

I peed my pants so hard at this that the rest of my body dehydrated and I temporarily became a skeleton. After popping out in a few other stories, I came back, drank some water, and was back to normal.

The movie continued and the Justice Society confronted Dunkie in all his deep fried and doughy glory.

Tomo approached Dunkie and said "hey, can you, like, not frickin kill people anymore? It's not cool and kinda stupid."

Dunkie thought about her offer for a second before saying "how about no?"

Dunkie summoned a large glazed donut from the sky and flung it at Tomo, causing the hyperactive girl to get knocked through a large building.

The rest of the Justice Society prepared for battle (aside from Bubble Buddy because he's a bubble) as Dunkie pulled out a chocolate donut and tossed it at Django!

Django was prepared however, as he reached into his coffin and pulled out his oversized machine gun before shooting the donut to pieces. He then aimed his gun at Dunkie and fired bullets into the donut mascot without hesitation.

As all this was going on, I was crying tears of Root Beer. How could the greatest superhero movie of all time have turned out like this?

"I HAVE FAILED YOU DWAYNE-SAMA" I cried out!

I didn't turn off the TV because I'd lost the remote so I decided to continue watching anyways.

Tomo jumped out of the rubble and threw her friend Osaka at Dunkie, hitting him square in the forehead.

Doctor Cox did the same as he pulled out J.D and Turk, before wielding them like nunchakus. He then jumped up in the air and landed several hits on the delicious donut boy.

Bubble Buddy was still a bubble.

Dunkie yelled "BAKER'S DOZEN BLAST" before firing half a million donuts and absolutely destroying the Justice Society of America in one go.

This frightened me so greatly that I began brushing my teeth with a multiverse in order to soothe my nerves.

The movie skipped ahead once again and Dunkie had chosen to teamup with the Justice Society of America against the real main villain of the movie.

Only this time it wasn't Sabaac who was the main villain, to my surprise, it was Chuck E. Cheese the whole time!

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, you've fallen right into my trap. Now my quest to dominate the universe can begin" said Chuck E. Cheese to the Justice Society.

"So you were against me the whole time" asked Dunkie.

"Damn right I was" said Chuck

"But then why did you give me these powers instead of vaporizing me straight away?"

"Well I, ummmmmmmmmm…"

Everyone stood there in total silence. The awkwardness of this situation would make even Tomoko Kuroki cringe.

"LET'S FIGHT" yelled Chuck E. Cheese while completely ignoring the question in the process.

Chuck E. Cheese then flew over to Dunkie and socked him in the face, causing our donut hero to go flying into a building, making the architecture collapse immediately and crushing the donut mascot.

This was totally nutso. None of this was in the movie and I don't even think this happened in the comics (if DC ever writes this in a future comic, they owe me 1 million dollars).

The Justice Society continued doing battle against Chuck E. Cheese as Tomo, Dr. Cox, and Django all performed team attacks against the mouse in an attempt to kill him.

They fought well, but Chuck E. Cheese was too powerful. He simply summoned a giant planet sized pepperoni pizza and slammed all three of them with it, causing them to go flying.

Chuck E. Cheese then yelled to the Heavens "WHO ELSE WANTS SOME!?"

Chuck E. Cheese then felt a hand tap his shoulder. He looked to the side and a fist socked him in the kisser, causing blood and parmesan cheese to leak out of his mouth.

Bubble Buddy had come to life!

"You were sentient the whole time?"

Bubble Buddy replied "of course, I was reserving my power just in case this was a serious emergency"

Tomo emerged from the pizza and high fived Bubble Buddy before they both punched him in the face with lightning fast attacks.

Django and Doctor Cox then emerged and held Chuck E. Cheese down with a champion's level of strength.

As Chuck E. Cheese struggled to escape from the grip of the Justice Society, Dunkie emerged from the rubble. He began to calmly walk over to Chuck E. Cheese until he was near his former master's face and said "tell them the donut boy sent you."

Dunkie then grabbed Chuck E. Cheese by the head and ripped his entire skull out. His spinal cord was still attached as Dunkie began swinging the mouse's head by his spine, before throwing him into the sun, causing the mouse to burn up on the Sun's surface.

Django then walked over to Dunkie and held out his hand in friendship. Dunkie shook the cowboy's hand, thus signifying that they'd grown past their differences and become friends now.

Dunkie then flew away while the Justice Society began to go back to their headquarters. Soon, the credits began to roll.

I actually clapped when the movie was over. Even though this was a bootleg, this was a damn good bootleg and I wanted to show it to all my friends, but first I had to wait for the post credits scene. All the best superhero movies have post credits scenes.

I watched intently as the credits rolled but strangely all the cast members, special effects artists, and various other people were all credited as, Satan.

7 minutes passed and a new scene came at the end. Dunkie was chatting with Django and they were scheduling a day to just hang out as bros.

As they did this, the famous actor, George Clooney, fell out of the sky and landed gracefully on his feet.

He then said "gentlemen, I want to talk to you about a team."

Dunkie asked "what team is this?"

George Clooney smirked and said "Nextwave: Agents of H.A.T.E"

"We're in" said Dunkie and Django simultaneously.

The screen turned black as the movie went back to its menu with the option to play it again.

I said outloud "that was a great movie, but don't Trollpastas usually end with a scare at the end?"

Suddenly, a piece of donut hopped out of nowhere and pointed a gun at me.

"Who the hell are you" I asked.

"I'm the missing middle part of the donut" said the donut.

"I FUCKING KNEW IT!"

The donut then shot me several times before jumping out the window. The middle part of the donut then began a shooting spree which would claim 5 people before it took its own life.

I write this as I lay dying, if you ever find a DVD called Black Adam.exe, watch it, because it's actually a 10/10 movie.

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