Blocked: My Story
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NSFW WARNING
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Author's note: When I was blocked for a week from vandalizing a category on the wiki, this is what I wrote on my talk page for the week I was banned. Thanks for reading! - StanisdaMan, June 14, 2013, 19:29
Day 1
I'm not really scared of being in jail, I've been here before, but for different reasons. They gave me 20 years of boredom from trying to change the system within. After I got out, I came to reward them. I took Manhattan. Then I took Berlin. Both were no problem. But how I got in this time, you ask? I vandalized a category on the Trollpasta Wiki, of course. This time, I have 1 week of boredom.
I hope I survive my old roommate that is still in this prison, Stelio Kontos, as I set him up to get more time in jail so I could get out of the prison quicker. If he glances at me, I'll just duck my face out of view. Pretty advanced protection.
On my way to my jail cell, I pass by criminal minds who know what they did. Ass Chagnew, for when the cops caught him watching saxy pr0nz, Brother Bear, for killing his sister with a submachine uzi, and Robert E. Lee Ewell. He murdered his 18-year-old daughter and blamed it on a black man in the 60's, but no evidence was discovered that he did it until December 2012. He has a life time sentence now. But don't worry about me, I'll be all right.
I hope.
Day 2
I got thrown in my jail cell after a failed attempt at trial to lower the sentence for 1 day. I was so surprised at who my roommate was that my dick took a shit in terror.
Stelio Kontos.
Stelio yelled at me for setting him up and called me a "filthy fuckface", then cracked his knuckles and threw punches at all his might above and below my belt. I tried to get away and say that I was sorry for the set-up, but he doesn't say anything and he kept punchingme punchingme punchingme. NO! I'm not here! I'm back at Rachelle's, where she's painting Melinda Sordino's nails.
After the beating, I fell to the ground bleeding. Nobody saw it, nobody cared what happened to me. My body was bloody and bruised badly. I looked up at Stelio with tears in my eyes. He just went to his bed, put his shirt back on, looked at me
and smiled.
When I went to the cafeteria, Stelio cracked his knuckles at me when I was waiting for Hot Mush. The cafeteria lady looked at my injured body and she just rolled her eyes at me.
I'm going to kick Stelio's Greek ass someday.
Day 3
Today, I started to make license plates for cars in the prison "platery". I call it the "pull-a-lever-all-day-long-ery".
My arms are getting strained from working in this place, and it hurts like hell. I see a plate move by my place on the conveyor belt. 525-TIME, decoded means JAL-TIME. I see another. 466-CENT, decoded means INO-CENT. 668-GILT, decoded NOT-GILT. 783--LIOK, decoded STE-LIOK. 343-ITOMG, decoded DID-ITOMG.
My arm is nearly broken after work time. I felt weak when no officers were looking and Stelio picked me up and threw me into a wall. My head was bleeding.
I don't remember ever vandalizing any page on the Trollpasta Wiki, but at least this time, I only got a 1-week sentence in jail.
With Stelio.
All alone.
With no one who cares about my suffering.
I'm crying right now.
Day 4
Today in the cafeteria, the oven stopped working and everyone was pumped up about not having to eat Hot Mush anymore. All the happiness halted when the warden said we had to eat Cold Mush until further notice. Also, I was sitting alone in the cafeteria when Ass Chagnew noticed my depressed, lonely body wimpering under a metal table, and actually asked me if anything was bugging me. Where's Rachelle? She had to see this!
I told him everything about Stelio Kontos beating me up every day, how I set up his "pillow robbery" for my sake, and everything else that he did to me in jail. I took breaks from talking when Stelio walked nearby me and Ass. He even crushed some bones in my foot when he purposely stepped on it. Ass squinted his eyes in disgust for that bit.
Ass Chagnew told me that his father, Chaz Assnew, was also in the same prison for sexually abusing an 18-year-old hippie, but that he knew some excellent fighting techniques that I could use to punch back at Stelio. I gladly accepted the offer.
Chaz Assnew snuck me into his cell while the cops were busy getting fat on Krispy Kremes. I did REALLY well for only a day in training, I succeeded and excelled in every move I was taught. Some moves I was taught weren't really that helpful for kicking butt. Others were deadly. The Brain-Cracker, Arm-Cruncher, Stomach-Gutter, Dick-Chopper.
If these cops don't really care what I do in here, I'll kick Stelio's balls out of his dick.
Day 5
Today, I noticed that Ass Chagnew helped spread the word around the prison about how Stelio Kontos abused and hurt me. I was glad that someone cared about me, but at first I wondered why he didn't tell the warden or any obese patrol guards, but then I started to feel the impact of his decision come into play.
It was a big thing that everyone in the prison talked about for the day. Every friend Stelio had broke up with him. Everyone who secretly admired Stelio now gives him the evil eye, and everyone that hated Stelio just grins when he tries to look down at the floor. Even his prison girlfriend, Meg Griffin, broke up with him! Robert Ewell told me by ear that Stelio wanted to rip my body in half for telling on him.
I can't wait to get out of here. I'll laugh at Stelio when I go outside the tall prison gate lined with barbed wire.
Day 6
Today, the warden and a couple of police officers come into my cell room, find me hidden under my bed, and tell me that my release day has come. When they take me out, Stelio sees me and growls at me with evil intentions. (I hid from Stelio everywhere yesterday.)
The police officers thanked me for my good behavior, but wanted to compenste me for my time in here. Confused, I asked why, and they showed me that Stelio Kontos hacked onto my Trollpasta Wiki account and vandalized a category so that I would get in trouble.
And so he could get his revenge.
I was going to let this slide, but from all the pain Stelio had brought upon me throughout the week, something in me snapped, and told me to fight back. My fists closed into perfect circles. My teeth clenched together. And my eyebrows shifted downward quickly. I ran away from the officers and back into Stelio's cell.
When he saw me, he locked the cell door and said: "Well, well. Looks like the filthy fuckface doesn't have any fucking babysitters around. Do you know how much fucking pain you've had on me? I was so fucking popular, and a filthy fuckface just walks on in to my prison and shits all over my reputation. Me and Meg did so many creative sex stunts, and you fucking blew her off from me. I ain't dealing with your bullshit anymore. It's time to fucking end this."
He cracked his knuckles.
"Forever."
He runs in at me and punches my face. Then, he bodyslams on my chest, stands up, and kicks my body into the cell toilet. My instinct told me that if I could beat my biggest fears, then I would forget about them. But what to fight with? The sink faucet! As Stelio runs up to me, I bash his head with the faucet. It cracks his head open a little bit, and I can see some of his brain. He pauses fighting and says to me: "You think you can pull bullshit like that off? I'll show your filthy ass some real fucking fighting." Now he's really pissed off. He hurts, punches, and kicks with 2 times the strength he was using. My head gets minorly cracked open when he picks me up and throws me into a corner. I feel so weak. Stelio stands over me for the killing blow. I freak out inside my head on what to do. Then I realized I had a knife from Chaz Assnew. Stelio says over my thoughts: "Any last words, filthy fuckface?" Me: "Yes. Ass Chagnew."
I use the Dick-Chopper move on Stelio and slice his junk off with the sharp knife. It works. Stelio falls to the floor and says: "AAAAH! AAAAH! FUCK! AAAAH!" I break a mirror in the cell around his head, hold a piece of glass to his neck, say "See you in hell.", then I jab the piece of glass into his brain. He dies in seconds.
The fatass police officers finally open the cell door to come rescue me. I asked if I was in any more trouble, but they said that Stelio was the worst prisoner here, but that they couldn't import him over to a maximum security prison due to costs. They added a little more money to my compensation. I was glad.
As I walked outside of the prison into my loving family's arms, I saw a little blood puddle pouring out of the jail walls. It was Stelio's blood. I went to the puddle of blood, dipped my fingers in, and tasted it. It tasted like a huge, Greek nightmare that I had overcome with working with others, being friendly, and not fighting back until the right time had arrived. It tasted wonderful.
Me: "Victory."
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