Bruce The Killer

"Mate, I fackin swear, I saw this killer cunt and I woz like 'OI WOT YA DOIN IN MA HOUSE?!' Crikey, I fackin woz lucky to survive that true blue stabbin he gave me after I said that one ay! Up close when he woz stabbin me I saw that fackin god damn face the dumb cunt yanky had ay! Struth! Never seen anything so ugly since my wife got into that fight with that croc! It looked like fakin Clive Palmer and fackin Obama's love child with uhhh some fackin fackin whatcha say uhh like he had slits that made his mouth into a constant fackin frown! Not only that he wore fackin eye-liner and black eyeshadow! Could tell he was as emo as shit ay cunt!" A local man recounts his blood-curdling encounter with the killer terrorising Australia. The killer is confirmed to be named Bruce, but that is all authorities know about his identity so far. Police are working their asses off to find him but are stumped.

Bruce Stevens was your usual young bogan, his favourite shows were A Current Affair and 60 Minutes; he especially liked how they had a fencing dispute story every fucking week like people actually gave a shit. His mother Brucina was cooking some Kangaroo up that she had caught with a boomerang alongside a shrimp on the barbie. When the school bus screeched past their house "OI THATS THE BUS! YOU FACKIN FERAL ANIMALS BETTA GO TO DA BUS STOP!" Brucina shouted at Bruce and his smaller brother Brucie. The two boys ran out the door as fast as they legs would take them and got to the bus stop on time. Unfortunately, at the bus stop Ryan the school bully was raiding money off the children like welfare checks off hard working respectable people. "AY GET OVA ERE YOU FACKIN TWATS!" Ryan yelled at Bruce and Brucie. Bruce got as mad as a fucking fedora wearing neckbeard after he loses 10 games of LoL in a row then bashes his cheeto-dust covered hands all over his keyboard. So Bruce without any logical explanation was able to punch one of Ryan's goons out gold, because you know, all fucking children can do that. "Ya fackin cunt, dunt cha yell at ma bra!" Bruce yelled, defending his little brother. "Thanks bra!" Brucie gleamed. Ryan got mad too, and pulled out a knife, because you know, a child his age has the strength to do damage with that. Thankfully, Bruce's many years of croc wrestling came into good use! "Let's fackin tingo dingo!" Bruce proclaimed as he ran at Ryan, and knocked him out cold too. "Well I guess I'm jackie-chin nin or whatever that cunt's name is now, ay bra?" Bruce said, surprised at his sudden strength, almost as much as the audience.

To be continued...

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