Captains Log - Stardate January 1st 2010
It was early in the morning on January 1st of 2010 when a certain man stumbled upon an email on his PS3. It was from an unknown email. Chris was not worried though, because occasionally he would receive these emails. This one was different though. It read, 'Dear Chris. I have knowledge on Mr. Cash's whereabouts. Go to your father's room and you'll know what to do.' Chris thought this was one of those damn dirty trolls, so he promptly deleted said email. Then, he heard a sound from deep within the house. "I'm gonna cut that thing down!" Chris *sighed* in fright. The Internet Lumberjack was somewhere in the house. Suddenly, an axe swung into the door of Chris' bedroom. Chris screamed and hid in a pile of PS3 games. It was too late for him though, because the next second the door fell down. 'TURN THAT THING OFF!" The Internet Lumberjack shouted. As The Internet Lumberjack strode through the room, Chris leapt out of the pile of games at The Internet Lumberjack. "Shin-ye-ha-me-HAAAAA!!!!!" Chris shouted at The Internet Lumberjack, doing the silly poses. The Internet Lumberjack ran to Chris, swinging his axe. Then, The Internet Lumberjack tripped on some dirty crapped briefs and passed out. Chris ran to his father's room and saw a paper on the bed, announcing that the trolls brainwashed his father into becoming his alter ego 'The Internet Lumberjack'. Chris swore vengeance upon the trolls.
Liquid Chris was talking on the phone with Kacey in his bedroom when he heard the front door open. "What was that?" Liquid shouted. He hung up on Kacey and walked out of his room, looking for any signs of intrusion. Suddenly, the lights turned off in the house. Liquid heard a sound behind him that sounded like whispering. He strained his ears to hear. "You're the imposter," He heard. Liquid whispered back, "Is that you, Ian?" The shout that erupted through the house blew Liquid's eardrums to smithereens. "I NAME IS NOT IAN BRANNAN SOMETHING!!!!!!!" Liquid turned back to his room and broke into an all out sprint. As he reached the door, a piece of paper flew through the air and seperated Liquid's right arm from his body. Liquid collapsed on the ground as 499 other pieces of paper flew into his body, and his kneecaps were blown to red mist, causing immense bleeding. Liquid breathed his last upon hearing the words, "Next time, use Crayola fuckin' model magic."
It was around this time that Bluespike was putting in the final touches on his new trolling plan. He laughed, knowing that his comeback to torment Chris would be amazingly comedic. Bluespike was so wrapped up in the plans that he didn't hear a manchild enter his room and place a medallion on his bed. Bluespike got out of his chair and went to the bed. Immediately, the bedroom door clicked locked, and Bluespike heard someone on the other side. "Max. Do you understand- do you understand that what you did was just plain WRONG? You are a damn dirty troll, and anurr thing, you need to be stopped. Okay?" Bluespike was in tears. "Now, now, I wouldn't want anything bad happening to a galpal. Please, have a seat on your bed." Bluespike followed the instructions, accidentally sitting on the false, not true and honest medallion. The medallion exploded, killing Bluespike. "But you aren't a galpal, Max." Chris said, walking away.
Mary Lee Walsh had recieved a phone call just minutes before the knock on the door came. Chris had apparently snapped, and wanted to kill all the trolls. Mary knew her time was coming, due to the fact she had turned Virginia into a Virgin Wasteland. Mary had such remorse for her actions. Maybe she could apologize to him. Micheal Snyder had come over and was sitting with Mary in her bathroom. It was just after six am. Micheal and Mary would both formally apologize to Chris. As Mary prepared what she was to say, the door was ripped off its hinges. Chris was standing in the doorway, glaring at the two. He bared his fangs. "Christian, I am so so so sorry for what I did. I'll help you find a boyfriend free girl, Christian. Please please please please forgive me." Mary collapsed on the floor, weeping for her life. "That's not a for real apology, Slaweel." Chris said blankly, while smashing his attraction sign over Mary's head repeatedly. After the fifth bash, she died. Micheal tackled Chris while he was grinning at the dead body. As Micheal rammed Chris' head into the tiled wall, Chris struggled to shout for help. "GO!" BANG! "SONICHU!" BANG!! "GO OUT AND!!!!" BANG!!! The wall tiles around the impact zone were now dust in the still bathroom air. "ZAP TO THE!!!" BANG!! CRACK!!!! Chris stopped struggling, and when Micheal let go of the manchild, Chris fell to the ground. Micheal thought the crack sound was Chris' skull. Micheal walked to the doorway and looked out into the living room, at the smashed window that Chris had thrown himself through. "GO SONICHU!! GO OUT AND ZAP THIS JEW TO THE EXTREME!!!!" Chris bellowed, now standing upright. The cracking sound was actually the wall plaster. Micheal swung around to look at the unstoppable manchild, but he failed to notice the new figure in the living room, giving off a yellow glow. "I will! Thank you, father!" Sonichu shouted back. "NO NO NO NO!!!!" Micheal screamed, but the next second, Sonichu crashed into him, electrocuting Micheal to death.
Clyde Cash was hiding under the dining room table. He had been visiting Mary Lee Walsh to discuss their troll plans when the phone call had came in. The screams of Micheal Snyder echoed throughout the house. Clyde knew it was only a matter of time until Chris found him. Unlike Mary, Clyde had no remorse. Clyde would take that manchild out for killing the others. Chris' footsteps came closer, to the entrance to the dining room. Clyde whispered to the man, "So it's come to this, Chris. We're both alone in here." The man seemed to know that Clyde had been under the table beforehand. "Clyde, you are a freak. If you think about escaping, Sonichu will zap you." Clyde didn't know how to respond. He stopped to gather his thoughts, "Well, Chris, I brought a friend along as well. We're not leaving here until you admit you are gay, Chris," Clyde said smugly, attempting to make Chris too enraged to concentrate on killing Clyde. "I once knew a man from nantucket. He tried to troll me for LULZ, Clyde. And anurr thing, CLYDE. I AM STRAIGHT, YOU MOCKING BASTARD!!!" Chris picked up the table and in one fluid motion, smashed it against the wall. "CLYDE CASH! YOU ARE GOING TO DIE! THIS IS 9/11 PART II!" Chris reached for Clyde, but was interrupted by The Man In The Pickle Suit, who was behind him. "Christian Weston Chandler, what are you doing?" he said, "Chris, we were just joking around, you know. But now you've got your bent duck out, and standing over Cash!" Chris realized this was a trolling attempt, trying to make it seem he was gay, despite his bent duck NOT BEING OUT. Chris grabbed The Man In The Pickle Suit and swallowed him whole. Chris turned to Cash, cowering in the corner of the dining room. "Chris, Chris, we didn't mean it! We didn't want to actually brainwash your father," Clyde stammered. "This is the last time you make fun of a high functioning autistic male. Clyde, maybe someday the bear will give you a new name, if you survive this," Chris said solemnly. Chris pulled a dildo out of his pocket, grabbed Clyde, lifting him into the air. Clyde felt Chris shove the phallic object straight up Clyde's rectum, and out the top of his head. Chris dropped Clyde to the floor, where he crumpled, dead.
The next day, the news aired numerous broadcasts about the founding of a new town, CWCVille, inhabited by a certain Christian Weston Chandler, and a lot of Electric Hedgehog Pok'emon, and lots of broadcasts about the deaths of Liquid Chris, Bluespike, Mary Lee Walsh, Micheal Snyder, The Man In The Pickle Suit, and lastly, Clyde Cash. The government censored all this information, in an attempt to hide CWCVille's hostile takeover, and the existence of the Sonichus, and even had doubles replace everyone who died, and even Chris. This all happened January 1st, 2010, by the way, and it really happened.
Written by Bloom
Content is available under CC BY-SA
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