Chip and Dale: Apocalypse
When I was a wee lad, I had a lot of fond memories turning on the old boob tube and watching The Disney Afternoon after school. I loved it all! Ducktales, Gummi Bears, Goof Troop, and many more shows I forgot the name of. I practically grew up with my eyes glued to my screen, a finger up my nose and a pencil up my ass. Years later, I was in my 30's and I had just gotten over a rough divorce with my girlfriend. And then she got run over by a Mercedes-Benz. I'm sure that information won't come up later.
I was at a yard sale and I saw an old man with some stuff he was willing to sell. I noticed an entire cardboard box that said "FREE" labelled on it. The old man said "Take it! I don't want it anymore. Everything in this box is EVIL!" "OK, OK. I won't take anything," I said until I saw a tape that had "CHIP AND DALE LOST EPISODE" written on it in black marker and stained with blood. "I'll take this though," I said snatching it from the box. I don't know why I took it. I mean, Rescue Rangers wasn't even my favorite show (Schnookums and Meat is so much better). But what's done is done, and I ran off as the old man waved his fist at me, telling me "YOU'LL REGRET THIS!" What would I regret? I got a free tape of a LOST EPISODE! Can't wait to upload it to the Lost Media Wiki, they're going to go apeshit!
I put the VHS in my old TV, eagerly waiting for the cartoon to come on. It started with the Rescue Rangers theme song, but Dale was missing. The theme song was pitched down and reversed as well. It was likely a glitch, so I continued. The episode started with Chip all alone, crying. But his high-pitched squeaky voice was crying very realistically, and what's worse, he was crying blood. Probably still just a glitch. Chip then got to the city and saw the most horrifying sight. All of the Rescue Rangers were dead! They all had hyper-realistic guts spilling out, their eyes gouged from their sockets. Gadget, Zipper, Monterey Jack... dear God, Monterey Jack was crucified like Jesus. Everyone except Dale was here, but then I saw him.
"You thought Fat Cat worked alone?" he said, turning to Chip with his eyes bleeding hyper-realistic blood and his mouth turned into a bloodied scowl. Well no, he didn't work alone. He had a lizard, a rat, a mole, and another cat. Why would he need another? Then I saw that all his minions were gutted too! And they ALL were crucified this time. "And guess what, bitch?" Dale said in his sped-up chipmunk voice, "I was the one who killed your girlfriend!"
"Who?"
"Your girlfriend, remember? The one you divorced? I was the one who ran over her with the Mercedes-Benz! You mentioned it like 5 paragraphs ago, you fucking idiot!"
"Oh," I said, "honestly I'm glad you killed her. She was a bitch anyways, she didn't pay her taxes."
"Enough of that!" Dale snarled. "Now you die!" And then Dale reached out of my TV screen and his head popped out. I pissed on him because I really needed to pee. That only made him angrier, as he clawed at me. A leg came out of the screen and kicked me in the balls! I fell down on the floor, and to this day my balls ache and are sore.
Then, suddenly Gadget flashed on the screen, she was hyper-realistic. "James, you need to get up. It's me, your dead girlfriend! The one who died, remember? You need to defeat Dale. He tortures me everyday. He shows me videos of Russian people worshiping me! It's really weird!" "No!" I said, and then using the last of my strength, I pulled out the VHS, put it in a box, and smashed it with a hammer! Then I took the TV, put it in a box, and smashed it with a hammer! Then I set the VHS and TV on fire! And then I set my house on fire! The house caved in on me as it was set on fire. And it turns out I was sitting on a gold mine. But the gold mine had a lot of explosives. And the fire blew them up! And then I died.
As I am writing this story, I am a ghost. And I have to warn you, if you read this story...
You're next.
Written by JustSomeWeirdBloke
Content is available under CC BY-SA
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