Crash Bandicoot 2 Chilly Copy
You know, there's something you should know. So, I'm going to tell you so. Don't sweat forget it and enjoy the show! I am a massive fan of The Crash Bandicoot series. It is by far my favourite video game franchise of all time. I own every single game including the really terrible ones like Crash Of The Titans and Mind Over Mutant. My favourite game in the series would have to be Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back. I poured countless hours into that game when I was a young man trying to find my place in the vast world of business. I played it more than any game I've ever owned which greatly angered the people I hold close to me in my life. I was known to put my love for Crash 2 above all of the really important things in my life. This ultimately resulted in my pet Venus fly trap eating my childhood copy of the game as I was constantly neglecting to feed it some flies. It probably a good thing too as I had gotten so hooked to Crash 2 that I stopped eating and left my meals outside in the blazing Sun where the flies would no doubt eat it. This caused the flies to get really fat and lazy. After losing Crash 2, I tried my best to get my life back on track by buying my very own video game rental store in Suffolk. I named the shop Cabbages And Kings after a plaque located at my favourite restaurant which reads, "When On The Roads To Become Cabbages And Kings." Sadly, my store makes very little profit due to the fact I am known to be a hard bargainer as well as the fact I had placed my dearest plant Audrey Ii in charge of security. Oh buggering buggerton! I really should have mentioned that part earlier. I also had a lot of competition in the area with a CEX located across the street, and if you don't know what that store is well look it up son or daughter or maybe even aubergine.
Sadly, the CEX makes way more profit than I do as they are known to receive a lot of support from our esteemed leader; Mayor Bigwig. Just one hill in our fine town has stayed the same, and that's the hill that bares Bigwig's name. Bigwig hates me because my old bulldog took a dump in his garden. Please do bare in mind that this happened like a decade ago, but Bigwig isn't very intelligent as he known to hold grudges for minor things like that. Aside from being Mayor, Bigwig was also a pretty accomplished and well established property developer who had bigger plans than trees you could say. When it became clear to Bigwig that my store was making zero profit, he felt that it would be best to instead demolish my store and put an amusement park in it's place. The amusement park was to be called, "Wiggy Got Gum." The front door to the park would be shaped like the Mayor's face and when he opened his mouth DISGUSTING gas would come out in order to mimic the Mayor's notorious bad breath. Now our story all begins a few nights ago, I was summoned to Mayor Bigwig's Villa over in Kingsmill, and I was given a brief tour of the establishment until we eventually reached the balcony. Bigwig eyed two of his gorilla henchmen and had me tilted over the balcony. Bigwig pointed accusingly at me as he said, "now listen here and listen well, for here's a reason I may tell. You and your store stand in the way of progress." Bigwig then took a big ole puff from a big ole cigar as he then continued with, "as a matter of fact, your store makes zero profit. I gots bigger plans than trees." "For the last time I can get more money!" I pleaded but Bigwig wasn't having none of it as he had his men throw me off the balcony. While getting thrown off, Bigwig shouted that I had just one day to close up shop before the demolition team came a knocking.
Returning to Cabbages And Kings, I felt as though it was time to get serious. I decided that I would simply start selling all of my stock in a vain last stich attempt to get some profits. I sold every bloody game that I owned... well at least I tried to anyway. It all went well until a big fat curly headed prick named Curly Moe came a calling. Upon seeing that my games were now half price, Curly Moe's eyes became sly like a fox as he started dancing the most smelly dance that you could ever see. Moe then proceeded to bolt into my shop and stole all of my games right from under me. He didn't bother to give me a tip which honestly that just makes me sad that does. With no more games to sell, I sat down in my big old chair and pondered a ponder about how I was going to spend my last night in Oakton City. I made a brief call to Hurry Up Shrimp, and while I waited for the shrimp to arrive, I decided to busy myself by playing a video game. As I'm rather stupid, I realised while scanning through the various empty shelves that I had no games left. That bastard Curly Moe had taken everything! You may think that I am being a tad bit harsh on ole Curly, but let me tell you this dear reader, Despite looking very jolly on the outside, on the inside, Curly Moe was a very cruel man who used to stick batteries inside of frogs and run cars over Great Grandfather Snails. Dan Aykroyd wouldn't be too happy about that I'm sure! There was only one game that I wanted to play and that was Crash 2, but as stated earlier that game was long gone... or so I thought!
As I sat my ass back down to ponder some more, the front door to the shop burst open as a man wearing a cult mask came in proclaiming, "hey Sonny Jim I hear you sell video games!" I held my face in my hands as I said, "not anymore." "Well, I hear you're a big fan of Crash 2." Perplexed, I looked over to the cultist as I said, "yes that's right." "Well then! I got a game that's right up your arse.... er I mean street!" He then proceeded to pull a really smelly looking copy of Crash Bandicoot 2 out from his arse. Then he.... oh my goodness... started to rub the case all over his hairy chest which I smiled at as it reminded me of the time after time. I'm sure we all know what that means don't we? Well I do anyway. The cultist then threw the quite frankly very smelly game case right at my amazed face as he left the store never to be seen again. He was also farting violently as he left hinting that his doctor may have tricked him into taking laxatives again. Maybe consider getting another doctor Mr Cultist. Ahem! My goodness I really do need to start rambling. So, I threw myself to the other side of the room and picked Crash 2 up from the hard wooden floor. I scanned the case over and boy did it stink! No seriously love, it smelt really bloody bad! It smelt like a smelly swamp rat and not helping that was the fact that the case was covered in cigarette burns. I did a big ole whiff of that game case as I opened the case up and saw that the disc was weird. it had a picture of Mayor Bigwig printed on it. But what distressed me most of all was the fact that Bigwig appeared to be dressed in drag. Oh seasick! I made out with the game briefly as I pulled out my old rusty PlayStation One from my ear. The PlayStation was covered in shit... no seriously it was covered in actual shit. Well you know.... well the bathroom is locked, times call for desperate measures.
7 1/2 minutes later, I found myself sitting on the sofa with a box of Ahab Quaker Oats and a glass of pine needles as I got ready to play through some Crash 2. Now at first, nothing happened but that's when I realised that I had made a rookie error. I hadn't even put the bloody disc into the console yet. WHOOPS! I put the disc into the PS1 as the PS1 logo came on screen. The jingle was so loud that it sent me flying to the other side of the room. After getting back to the sofa, I glanced over to the chair on the other side of the room which had a face. That chair was really creepy as it kept begging me to sit on it. "Come on Seymour, sit on me boyio!" The chair would proclaim as I shuttered a shutter as if was holding in a big ole fart. Ahem! Enough about creepy chairs and dinner kings, let's actually discuss this mother of a game! Cause let me tell you something, there's a lot to discuss here. At first, things were going well. The Naughty Dog logo appeared on screen as did the Universal Studios logo, but then things turned bad when it showed a brief logo for Uncle Boris' Farm. Don't go to Uncle Boris as he is known to stuff pigs into a vice and laugh as they did an incredibly painful death. Yes indeed, Uncle Boris is a very sick man much like Curly Moe. After the brief plug for Uncle Boris ended, the game's title screen came on which looked really bad. There was no music, the words were blue, and when the game said, "press start to begin," it wasn't Aku Aku talking to me no it sounded like Matt Berry. Don't know who that is? Look it up okay!? Sorry that sounded rather rude and a little bit of place for someone such as me, but in any case, the game began with Doctor Neo Cortex falling from his blimp following the events of Crash 1.
Aside from Cortex falling from his blimp, the entire opening cutscene was completely different. While falling, Cortex ended up getting picked up by a bird with a soft Irish accent who proclaimed, "Doctor Cortex I'm taking you to a flying hammock so that you can discover how to take over the world!" The flying hammock was beautiful and never in all my life had I ever seen anything quite like it. While relaxing at the hammock, Dr Cortex came across Mr Uppity who was destroying some boxes with an umbrella. Upon seeing Cortex, Mr Uppity raised his hat up into the air as he said, "charmed I'm sure." That's when something caught ole Corty's eye. A master crystal was sitting atop Uppity's shiny dome. Cortex Falcon punched Uppity which sent him flying off the hammock and down towards Uppity Manor. The crystal fell onto the ground and Cortex picked it up as he proclaimed, "crystals of course!" The game then cut to black for quite some time, and I got up to reset the console only for Cortex to yell, "DOH!" It was so fucking loud that it caused my glasses to shatter in two. I got myself a new pair as the next scene played normally with Dr N Gin telling Cortex that he needs to get off his ass and get the remaining 25 crystals from Earth. Not having any friends left on the surface, Cortex was forced to employ his arch nemesis: Crash Bandicoot. Over on Wumpa Island, Crash and Coco were just chilling playing Shrek 2 on Xbox when the console suddenly shut itself off. Oh and by the by, I really don't like Coco. In future Crash games I.E Wrath Of Cortex onwards she is okay, but in the very original trilogy and Crash Team Racing, she is so fucking annoying! I'm getting really sick of you Coco!
Feeling very lazy, Coco ordered Crash under threat of death to get her a hacksaw so that she make be able to fix the Xbox. Not really sure why you would need a hacksaw to fix an Xbox, but what do I know? I'm not that smart if you couldn't already tell. Venturing through the jungle, Crash found himself getting teleported to a mysterious warp room where he runs into none other than Cortex! Cortex appeared to Crash via a hologram and he looked nasty. I mean I'm not one to judge, but dear lord did Cortex look a bit off. His teeth were 2% bigger than normal and his gums were rotten and had singing worms coming out from them. They were singing about how you could learn a lot from the worms, but that's when Cortex told Crash about how he needed crystals. After Cortex buggered off, I headed to the first level Turtle Woods. Not even two seconds had gone by, when Crash teleported himself back to the warp room via his own accord not mine I can assure you. Angry, Cortex yelled at Crash to get back into the portal, but Crash simply responded by folding his arms as Cortex then proclaimed, "oh come on Crash do it for your old pal Cortexie!" That line didn't even sound like Clancy Brown, and Cortex sounded a really dumb drunken farmer for that one bit. I wonder why. Maybe they forgot to get Clancy to record that line or something I dunno. Crash then agreed to help Cortex out for some unknown reason as he returned to Turtle Woods. Oh man Turtle Woods! Even just hearing that name, brings back some really nostalgic memories for me, but enough of that as this level was really not right. It was going well until I reached the secret area which can only be reached by belly slamming onto the ground.
Landing in some kind of rural countryside area, Crash found a massive field which had a tree filled to the brim with beautiful wumpa fruit. Crash rushed over to one of the trees and started picking to his heart's content. He picked some of the juiciest ones there, and had himself a nice little snack. It was going well until Crash was confronted by the lord of the field; Farmer Nice. Ironically, he wasn't very nice but did own a lot of rice. Farmer Nice grabbed Crash by the tongue and lifted him high up into the early morning sky as he said, "you idiot boy! Those wumpa fruit were meant for me cider! Now I shall have to squeeze em out from ya! One by one!" And so he did. Farmer Nice gave Crash a quite big squeeze as something appeared to be stuck in Crash's throat. "Come on boyio spit it out!" Farmer Nice bellowed as he gave Crash a big ole sucker punch right to the gut which caused Crash to cough out one of the crystals that he sought for. The crystal ended up stabbing Nice right in his left eye, but I don't think it'll matter that much to him as it'll make him look a lot more like his lover Iron Eye. With Farmer Nice subdued, Crash made his way back to the warp room where Cortex told him, "well done ha ha well done!" Now it was time to go to Snow Go! Snow Go faired much better than Turtle Woods, but for some reason I was now able to reach the red gem without even having to use the belly flop trick. What is the belly flop trick? Well. let's just say it's better than the shoot the chocolate bunny trick if you catch my drift. Oh yes, catch my drift like a fine case of pig flu.
After collecting the red gem, Snow Go suddenly started to turn rather hostile as a big scary gangster looking walrus began patrolling the area in order to kill to Crash. The walrus was very evil as while searching for Crash a little penguin tried to impress the walrus with his rad dancing skills. The walrus responded by shooting that penguin in the chest with a double barrel shotgun killing him instantly. Thankfully, Crash managed to escape the level unharmed but I knew that the walrus was still on his case. Hang Eight was very interesting as this appeared to be an early build of the level. My reasons for thinking this were the fact that Crash was now able to walk on the water and was unable to use the jet ski. Also, all of the piranha plants in the level would sing jazz much to my delight but my attempts to sing along with them only resulted in Crash shooting me the most sinister glare that the world has yet to known. Also, this level was expecting me to perform some rather ridiculous jumps as hippos that you're meant to jump a top of don't appear but this was helped by the fact that Crash's jump arc seemed to be a lot higher than it usually was. Reaching the final strand of water, I found myself being held back by an invisible forcefield. I was fully prepared to head back to the warp room via the pause menu and play the level again, but Crash had other ideas as he ended up hitching a ride on a canoe which was being driven by Sergio Falcone who would sing songs to Crash about how in the forest you need an umbrella to look out for stormy weather. Well yeah but that's kind of self explanatory really Sergio! Sergio sang to Crash for a good twenty minutes, and to make matters even worse when I finally reached the end of the level a piranha plant ended up appearing out of thin air which of course ate Crash up in one bite. It didn't seem to matter though as I found myself getting teleported back to the warp room where a very pleased Cortex was waiting to greet me.
Ole Cortex was very pleased indeed but then he pulled an incredibly smelly face as he said, "I need to get some batteries from Woolworths. So I'll contact you again once you have retrieved the fifth power crystal." Now, The Pits... there's not really much to talk about as it was a rather nasty level. Instead of taking place in the rainforest like Turtle Woods, this level instead took place inside of a massive armpit hence the name The Pits. The armpits smelt so bad I could smell them through the TV as I had actually spent a lot of my hard earned millions on Smell vision. Haven't you? Buy it while you can! Crash Dash was a completely different level altogether. While yes, it was still a chase level. It was not a boulder chasing Crash no instead it was the scary walrus from earlier who after looking at his license plate was able to deduce that his name was Carlo Walrus. Carlo Walrus was driving a really rad looking pickup truck and he gave chase to Crash trying to shoot the little Bandicoot down with his handy dandy double barrel shotgun. Thankfully, I was able to lead Carlo Walrus around in circles as he ended up crashing into an old oak tree causing a massive explosion in the process. This didn't seem to affect him that much however, as Carlos soon got out from the pickup truck and gave chase to Crash on foot. He followed Crash along an old rickety bridge which ended up snapping and I laughed hysterically as Carlo fell to his supposed death. The camera followed Carlos as he fell down the hole as he made a phone call to his brother who worked as a chef over in Mortimer Road. Carlos was calling in a favour that his brother owed him. It was the time for the odds to be put in Carlos' favour. Get the hint?
It's time for a pause! It's time for a pause... oh buggering buggerton I meant to say sorry that it was time for a boss battle, It was time for me to rip Ripper Roo a new one so to speak. Ripper Roo was far more aggressive, as after getting agitated by the TNT crates, Ripper Roo dawned himself an electrical skipping rope which was green in colour. He began skipping towards Crash, and you add to jump over the skipping rope. Needless to say, I lost many lives during this battle so many in fact that I actually ended up getting my first game over. Cortex's face came on screen and it was so close I could big pus filled boils forming on his forehead. Cortex then eyed me with an ear to ear grin as he asked, "giving up?" I of course naturally clicked, "no," which caused Cortex to yell, "fuck!" The game then came back to show Crash still battling Ripper Roo. That's when Crash found a shovel located on the other side of the arena, and heading over to Ripper Roo, Crash proceeded to beat Ripper so badly that it was honestly really heart breaking. Personally, I believe Crash killed Ripper Roo during this encounter, and this is the real reason why in Crash Nitro Kart 2 on Android, Ripper Roo looks so completely different. It's not Ripper Roo! It's Ripper Poo! I mean that blooming Roo looks nothing like the Ripper Roo that we all know and love! Aside from also being a kangaroo, Ripper Poo is completely different as he wears boxing gloves. Boxing gloves!? BOXING GLOVES!? BLOODY BOXING GLOVES!? What matter of madness is this? Ahem, sorry I got a little bit carried way there, anyhow, I was now in Warp Room 2 but it looked wrong as the ice was melted and Polar was nowhere to be seen. Much to my chagrin as a matter of fact as Polar is by far my favourite character in the entire Crash Bandicoot franchise.
So let's get busy and talk about Snow Biz wink. Snow Biz was actually probably the most normal level that we have had so far, and even then calling it normal is a tad bit of a stretch. The only real difference worth mentioning is the red gem route. I'm sitting on a hut. I need a rehanger! And by that I of course mean that the red gem route was pretty much unplayable. There was way more ice than I remember there being and there were Nitro Crates fricking everywhere. Crash had to keep stopping very two seconds so that he could shake and cry about how he clearly wanted to be drinking hot chocolate by the fireplace like some kind of Donald Duck. Thankfully, I managed to get the box gem and crystal as I was more determined than ever to get 100% in this game. I was going to get it believe you me even if it did kill me. Air Crash was once again a completely different level. It started off normally enough but after getting Crash onto the jet ski a massive speedboat appeared from behind him. And who should be driving the speedboat? Well none other than Carlos Walrus himself of course! "Try this one on for size!" Carlos threatened as he tried to shoot at Crash's jet ski with his handy dandy double barrel shotgun. Crash was chased for awhile until he eventually ended up crashing inside of an old rusty battleship which naturally belonged to Doctor N Gin. It was a very beautiful ship and I love ships as I collect ships in bottles. I like to sniff the bottle while I'm on the toilet. Anyways, Crash reached the mess hall where he was confronted on the other side by Carlos. Carlos pointed at Crash and laughed as he pulled a convincedly placed lever. Yes, it would appear that Crash was standing on a damn trap door the entire time! Crash fell through the trap door in a comedic fashion by looking at the screen and yelling, "uh oh!" What the fuck Crash can't talk! This shall not go untolerated. I should complain to Naughty Don soon I assure you. Naughty Dog? Oh yes you most certainly are!
Crash had landed just outside the ship's kitchen door which opened up to reveal Carlos' brother Chef Walrus. Chef Walrus pointed at Crash as he yelled, "ah you owe me fresh meat for my pot!" Carlos then gave chase to Crash and this chase sequence was really hard as Chef Walrus was incredibly fast. Whilst chasing Crash, Chef Walrus kept yelling, "come back here boyio!" As you may have expected, I lost some lives during the chase but nothing major or at least nothing that earned me another game over anyway. Funny thing is when you died during this part, Chef Walrus would just freeze almost as if he remembered that he had accidentally left the oven on. Oh buggering buggerton! Crash eventually escaped the battleship and laughed as the ship ended up blowing up as prior to Crash's arrival, Chef Walrus had been trying his best to make a TNT Cake. He was really stupid that damn Chef Walrus as he used real TNT Crates as opposed to fake ones as suggested by his sou chef Lou. Damn it Lou! It is implied that both Chef Walrus and his brother Carlos were killed in the explosion (even though Carlos was not present during the chase with his brother,) but leaked DM's of the pair discussing buying a brand new heater bring the matter into question ya know? With Air Crash down, it was time to ride the Polar! It was time for Bear It. I'll tell you one thing, I'm not bearing this game much. Ha ha! Bear It made me very sad as my dear sweet Polar looked very fat and lazy. He looked proper dumb too as he had this stupid shocked face plastered on himself for the entire level. Also, instead of it being killer whales that jump out of the holes it was great white sharks that tore Crash to shreads. The two lab assistants who keep lifting up the steel crates moved a lot faster. Also there were TNT Crates everywhere! Oh what a bobby jaguar!
Crash Crush was actually a completely normal level. Yes, seriously. It was completely normal the only real difference is that the boulder chasing Crash was red instead of white which made me vomit a bit. Just a bit though don't worry. Don't cry for me dear. Although the level was normal, I was quite honestly starting to get real sick of all these damn chase levels and I'm sure Crash was too. I could tell by the way his shoe laces were done. You can tell a lot by a person's laces. After clearing Crash Crush with flying colours, my next stop was of course Eel Deal. Eel Deal was a completely different level as it had Crash sitting in some kind of office building in a meeting with this incredibly scary eel named Gareth Croc. Yes, I am aware of the irony that his surname is Croc when he's an eel. Everyone can see that particular case of irony from a mile away! Gareth Croc was incredibly scary as he hated the fact that Crash couldn't talk as he wanted Crash to give a speech regarding the company's rise in the stock market. When Crash failed to do that, Gareth Croc started snarling and got ready to bite Crash's head off but then he offered to give Crash a second chance if he was able to find a way for his company to make more dough. Basically, Gareth Croc owned a company called Eels In Needs. The aim of Eels In Need was for it to find new homes for abandoned eels such as Gareth's roommate from Business School; Ricky Eel. in fact, in order to save Crash some time, Gareth Croc changed the task so that all Crash needed to do was to find a new home for Ricky Eel. It didn't much time as Crash ended up giving Ricky to Squidward Tentacles after he stunk ole Squidy on one of his tentacles. Squid's arm swelled up like a beach ball as he was left to take care of Ricky because you know what they say. When an eel stings a squid it means absolutely fucking nothing! Oh! After stinging Squidward, Ricky looked at the screen with an impassive face as he said, "shocking." Ha!
For some reason, after passing Warp Room 2 I received not a visit from Doctor Cortex but a visit from N Brio. Took your sweet time asshole! N Brio was now just a massive peanut who tells Crash to get gems for him or else some bad things are gonna happen. N Brio then turned to face the screen as he asked, "don't you think you've had enough?" I ignored this because I'm quite stupid ya see and I decided to take on the Komodo Brothers. Well the fight was normal but after defeating the Komodo Brothers things quickly turned sinister. Komodo Moe ended up falling atop of Joe's sword which caused the sword to slide through his chest in a very gruesome manner. Hmm perhaps this is why Moe isn't in CTR. Oh what's that? He's in Nitro Fuelled and Crash Bash? Well, let me tell you something that is not the Komodo Moe that I know! That is just an faker! The others may not be able to see it, but I can I assure you. Warp Room 3! This is where things started to get even weirder. Plant Food was of course the next level on my list, and was once again a completely different level. In this alternate version of Plant Food, Crash was sitting in some old duffer's kitchen and he looked rather sick as his fur was green not orange. Eventually, some old lady came into the room and I identified her as being Stan's Mother Mrs Butler. Sadly, Stan's Mother has gone quite insane ever since her son started working at the car factory up North so in an attempt to overcome her brief stint of insanity she decided to cook Crash up a foul smelly fry up. Oh you don't know who any of these characters are? Well may I suggest reading the Bruno Tattagllia/Oliver Charles funnypasta guide. It's quite the read I must say!
The fry up looked very DISGUSTING! In order to avoid upsetting Mrs Butler, Crash started stuffing the sausages and chips into his sneakers and into his disgusting ear lobes. Mrs Butler was amazed with how quickly Crash managed to eat her fry up, she decided to get Crash a trifle which was the size of the Empire State Building. Crash noticed a dustbin right next to the table and started shovelling the trifle into the dust bin. Mrs Butler turned around at the worst possible moment and cried, "oh!" The level then forced Crash out and somehow he still ended up with the crystal and yellow gem. Okay. Anyways, Sewer Or Later made me feel sick. It actually took place in the sewer as opposed to Eel Deal, but things still weren't right. The sewer actually looked more realistic and the aim of the level was to stop a leak in the sewer line. Now I'm no plumber even though me Pop owns a sewage plant, I ended up causing the entire sewer to flood in a mess of shit and piss. It was really disgusting but in a weird sort of way oddly inspiring. Warp Room 3 was starting off really badly so let's hope that Level 13; Bear Down can beat it. This level had Crash and Polar in a massive battle field and the level played out like a Medal Of Honour game. Crash and Polar saw some very sad things while fighting against the evil lab assistants such as a Pot Noodle trying to put his insides back in, and loads of other scenes including a man getting beaten by a shoe for not paying his debts. Crash and Polar tried to stop the battle by offering to settle things over a pint, but when that failed Polar ended up turning hostile as he dawned a baseball bat and got ready to beat Crash's brains in. Exiting the level via an underground tunnel loophole in a half shell, I found that I had missed the gem. When I attempted to get Crash to go back into the portal he just stared at the screen and shook his head almost as if to say, "nope I'm not going back in there!"
I didn't really want to get all the gems now anyway. I mean did you even see how condescending N Brio was being earlier? To save you some time, I'll just tell you that Level 14; Road To Ruin was normal but Level 15: Un-Bearable was a massive boss fight between Crash and the Bearminator. Why so many bear puns Crash 2? The Bearminator was flying a massive blimp and Crash was using his jetpack which he was supposed to not have until Rock It in Warp Room 5, but I didn't care really. Ahem! Now the fight with The Bearminator reminded me a lot of those jetpack stages from Crash XS or Crash The Huge Adventure depending on your regional dialect. Crash using the fruit bazooka was able to shoot down the blimp and The Bearminator looked very sad as his blimp fell into the cold blue ocean below, but did I care? Did I fuck! Wow, this game is bringing out a cynical sense of humour from myself which to this point in time I hadn't known existed. Let's try to not make a habit of it shall we? The fight with Tiny Tiger was pretty good, but Tiny was ironically actually very Tiny as his health bar incorrectly said that his name was Taz which actually appears as his name in the pause menu of the original version of Crash 2. Why is this the case? Mice I suppose. Due to Tiny's rather embarrassing height, Crash was easily able to defeat the bugger just by stomping on him with his sneaker. Now that we're on the topic of boss battles, I was beginning to wonder where was Cortex? He hasn't appeared since I took on Ripper Roo so perhaps he's having a big ole poo. Oh seasick! With Tiny disposed of.... quite literally! I made my way to Warp Room 4 when a rather sneaky idea entered my head. What if I were to play out of order? So that's what I did. Instead of going in order by doing Hanging Out first I decided to play my favourite level Bee-Having.
Why is Bee-Having my favourite level? I dunno I just really like bees. My Grandpa had been a beekeeper and I used to help him drug the bees with corn syrup. I was going to follow him in his trade, but sadly I lived a different life. Crash found himself in a massive bee hive which had large disgusting looking honey bees though they more closely resembled their bumble cousins. Crash was taken by the bees to meet with their grand elder; Chief Tannabok. Despite the bee elder, Chief Tannabok was actually a human being. Tannabok forced Crash to perform a festival for bees in order to go free. The festival was actually really fun as it had Crash and the bees all dancing to a song called It's Tough To Be A Bee. It was so cool! But as I was starting to have fun, Chief Tannabok's face came on screen and it took up the whole screen as he offered me a cigar. I had long been wise to the dangers of smoking so i declined his offer which caused Tannabok to become very angry as he ordered his bees to give Crash a right good sting. Crash was thankfully able to escape under shady circumstances and somehow ended up in a massive shopping centre in the middle of a Christmas sale. Pausing the game, I learned that this was the bootleg game's version of Cold Hard Crash. Crash was searching the various shops in order to get himself a cup of hot chocolate. Crash sure does love his hot chocolate! What's the story there? Anyways, Crash found a cup of hot chocolate which was the best one they had but he ended up running into Chief Tannabok who was doing some Christmas shopping with his boys. The hot chocolate got all over Tannabok and his fat sweaty chest but he didn't seem to care. "You got nerves of steel dear Bandicoot." Tannabok said as he bought Crash a brand new hot chocolate for free. For the remainder of the level, it was just awkward silence as I was forced to watch Crash drink from his cup of hot cocoa. The a is silent! Just thought I'd let you know that dear reader.
Hanging Out actually made use of this puny name by having Crash and his fellow characters quite literally hanging out in a bar talking about politics and listening to Queen. Cortex turned to face Crash and the pair clanked their glasses of pine needles together as Cortex asked, "where's your wife?" Um......ass noodles. Thankfully, Ruination was completely normal. Why are the Ruin levels completely normal and nothing else? Diggin' It had Crash underground digging for one Squidward Tentacles. On Squidward's orders, Crash was trying to mine for some crystals. He ended up making a real mess and caused the entire Bikini Bottom to end up underground much to both Squidward and I's chagrin. I'm Diggin' It Downtown! For a few milliseconds, the game seemed to be getting back to normal with Cortex appearing and demanding that Crash deliver the crystals to his assistant and possible lover; Doctor N Gin. Get it N Gin Engine! It's word play as Alvin once said. Now, the fight was different in the sense that Crash was not throwing wumpa fruit at N Gin and was instead throwing love hearts at him. Don't know what love hearts are? Well there basically this British candy shaped like hearts DUH with little romantic messages on them like, "bite my ass." They also taste really bad like they legit taste like harmonic reinforcements and they smell even better than sunscreen. Whatever that means. N Gin was actually a lot more aggressive than I usual especially during the final phase of the boss fight where he shoots green plasma at you. I managed to defeat N Gin however by shooting a love heart which landed directly inside his mouth. N Gin ended up choking on the love heart and I laughed as he slowly choked to death. Serves you right ya missile headed prick!
Warp Room 5 didn't have Cortex greeting Crash instead it was Mayor Bigwig! You remember him don't you? Bigwig looked at the screen and said, "I heard you got yourself a pretty cool plant boy. I'm hosting a gardening competition up in Hepburn Heights. Why don't ya come along?" After saying that last part, Bigwig winked at me which made me feel very hot under the collar as I had forgotten to install a damn AC. Well shit. Piston It Away was really bad as it had Crash getting chased through the space station by a really mean wolf who used to cut people's toenails off. He also had a small fief which brings him a little money on the side which he uses to get his kid brother through to Fordham University which he would no doubt end up attending with one of McCluskey's sons. Crash eventually reached the engines and tricked The Big Wolf into sticking his head right into one of the engines. Once his head was trapped inside the engine, Crash set that bloody thing off all the while pulling the most evil face that has ever been pulled by a Bandicoot. As you may expect. The Big Wolf ended up getting melted like ice cream. The bad kind too. Piston It Away? More like Pissing It Away! Now, I'm not even gonna even bother describing Rock It or Pack Attack to you because quite frankly they made me angry with how lazy they were. I mean I'll admit this bootleg has actually being quite entertaining thus far, but these two levels really triggered me. The two jetpack stages in Crash 2 had always been some of my favourite levels in the game, but for some odd reason the maker of this bootleg had decided to troll me having Rock It be nothing more than a stock photo of a rock while really smelly saxophone music played in the background. Give that sax a good old blow! I'm sorry that sounded really bad. Like legit, I'm really sorry I really am. Pack Attack meanwhile had Crash getting attacked by a backpack.
Having finally had enough, I decided to just finish the score with Cortex and call it a day. I rode the Hasselhoff and cleared Warp Room 5 which is when I had the fight with Cortex which I won and I laughed as Crash threw Cortex into a gas hob and he screamed in pain as he was boiled alive. Crash and Coco were then shown chilling on N Sanity Beach with Coco asking, "hey Crash what about the Cortex Vortex? IT'S STILL UP THERE!" My ears started bleeding after Coco said that, and then a shot of Earth was shown with the Cortex Vortex flying above it. This was until the Cortex Vortex blasted Earth with a big red laser which caused the planet to turn into a massive turnip. The credits ended but they were sad as really sad keyboard sounds were played over them. A post credit scene came on which had Cortex staring at the screen as he said, "don't go to the gardening competition go down the streets in order to earn a better fate. " I got up from my chair and smashed my PlayStation 1 to pieces with a hammer. I mean how could I not? That game was just begging to be destroyed! After destroying the Ps1, I realised that I was really stupid as I really liked that console. I decided to go and feed Audrey Ii some trail mix. Audrey II hated trail mix and wanted me to feed it paper, but how could I do such a thing as feed my plant some paper? I made my way down to my basement to see Audrey Ii and attempted to stuff it full of trail mix only for it to wrap one of it's vines around my mouth as it sang, "I want to walk out in the Sun where the people have fun and the men all run." I smiled a smile as I decided to take Audrey Ii for a walk up past the Gates of Cleveland. I also made sure to be extra careful so as to not pass by Hepburn Heights as I had no interest at all in taking Audrey Ii to the gardening competition. As you can see, I had decided to take Cortex's advice. While walking through the street with Audrey II who I should probably mention was the size of the Empire Arms Hotel, I ended up getting stopped by a piranha man hybrid who wished to buy Audrey II from me. "Oh be serious!" I proclaimed at the very top of my lungs as the piranha man hybrid pulled an incredibly smug face like some kind of local bishop as he too proclaimed, "I'm deadly serious!"
I turned down the offer initially, but that was when the hybrid showed me just how much money I could make from this sale. I'm a man who enjoys money quite a bit so i agreed to sell Audrey Ii to him for a high prize. After selling off Audrey II, I stuffed my new found millions into my pockets as I made my way down to Hepburn Heights in order to finally rub it into Mayor Bigwig. Of course, Bigwig was very surprised when he saw how much money I had brought for him, but he was still planning on an amusement park regardless as he had actually told me a big ole lie. That's when I had a very cunning plan. I held a white flag up into the air as I pulled a cheesy grin and said, "I've had a great plan." The plan was simple. Mayor Bigwig and I forming an uneasy alliance of sorts and we build our amusement park on top of Cabbages And Kings. There was also a McDonalds latched onto the side of the park like some kind of skin rash. We named the park; Audrey II City, and we based all of the rides on Audrey Ii including one where you get to ride a rollercoaster down the throat of an inflatable Audrey II with two bent left feet. Don't ask me where the left feet came from, but I think it may have been from the weather. In order to protect myself from Audrey II, I've placed a huge sheep tank around the outer edges of the park. By the way, all of our food is really bad so to compensate for this little hiccup we've had porta potties installed on each and every corner of the park for when times get heated. This happens more often than not as you can probably expect. I must say. So, that is my story and I'm sticking to it like glue. Not just any glue mind you. I'm talking about Gorilla Glue. Could it be Rilla Roo? I certainly hope not! What a terrible thought! Over night, I grew to become a very rich and successful businessman but I know that all is not as well as it may seem. I know that Audrey Ii is not very happy with the fact that I sold it to the piranha hybrid. Audrey II is sure to be plotting the most mighty case of revenge that the world has yet to known. I just hope that when the time comes I'll be ready.
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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