Creepypasta Creepypasta
T'was the other day when I was faced with a great task to complete. This task was surely the most difficult task in the history of the universe. In fact, this task is so difficult that it dwarfs all other tasks in difficulty. It makes me shudder to think that I had the audacity to accept this task, which had arrived in my mailbox last Sunday. You see, I was busy reading odd fanfictions regarding My Little Pony Game of Thrones when suddenly a brick smashed through my window, hitting my mouse, which clicked on the Windows button. Then the brick began vibrating on my hand in such a way that my hand was forced to click the "run" button and then my hand was vibrated over to my keyboard, where it typed in "delete System 32." I tried my best to fight it, but the brick was far too awe-inspiring and powerful for me to resist. Slowly, yet surely, my hand made its way to the Enter key and with great reluctance, I pressed it. Somehow, the command worked, and my operating system died on the spot. I began crying at the loss of my precious Windows 1.0 operating system. How could I ever read fanfictions again? After my sobbing, I looked up to see a note taped to the brick (which had stopped vibrating). Picking it up, I read it.
Dear Scheepybird. You are in grave danger. The brick forced you to delete System 32 for a good reason. You cannot read your My Little Pony fanfictions anymore. It will kill you to death, and you may even die in the process. Forgive me, but this is for thine own good. Now, you must head to the library and log on to their ultra-powerful Windows XP. Log on to your Wikia from there and check your notifications. You will receive further instructions there.
Signed,
Bob
Well, the letter was very vague (I didn't do very well in English class, considering the fact that it wasn't a very significant endeavour. I was preoccupied with a wide assortment of other things at the time), and I couldn't tell whether or not to trust it. How did this writer know my name? Who is this mysterious writer? I tried to see who wrote it, but there was a line through the person's name so I couldn't possibly tell what it said (it's absolutely impossible. Try it yourself). I then began to debate what I should do. If I went there, then maybe this mysterious writer could give me a new Windows 1.01, and I'd be the coolest kid on the block, with the latest operating system (even Bill Gates couldn't get Windows 1.01, everyone else is using Windows 1). Legend has it that Windows 1.01 has Solitaire in it, with fifty three cards instead of the stupid standard fifty two cards. I was drooling at the thought of it, but as I was about to leave the house, another thought hit me: I've never been outside in my life. I don't even know what an outside is. Since the day I was born, I was in my house, living off the rations that my ancestors left me, including the computer that they've left me. These two things are what kept me alive. I sat for another three minutes thinking about what might or might not be in this outside. There could be aliens! Or creepers! Or maybe even ducks! Then I remembered: outside has trees. I could punch trees and fight back. Mine stone. Make a sword. The only thing I could fear then is the great and mighty Lakitus, who is rumoured to roam the streets of Toronto, ruling it with an iron fist (and a bunch of spiky turtle bros). But then my thoughts returned to Solitare, and before I knew it, I was running for my life. I had read many fanfictions that detailed this world of outside, a place no nerd would dare venture. To my surprise, there were no creepers, no ducks, and not even a Lakitus. Just people who drove around in cars and smoked crack (we are very proud of our mayor). "This must be one of those modded servers," I said to myself. "WOW, WHAT A DOUCHE!" I heard someone say. I turned around to see a group of elephants. They appeared to be stoned. "THIS MAN IS TALKING TO HIMSELF! LET'S TRUMPET HIS ASS, BOYZ!" Notice how I spelled "boys" with a Z. This is because these elephants looked quite illiterate; almost as illiterate as I. "If only I could press Shift, I'd be sprinting away from you guys so fast, you wouldn't see it coming. Then you'll have to trumpet each other!" This seemed to anger them quite a lot.
—
I woke up in a hospital room, from what I heard on the "real life forums," these places are where escaped convicts like to collect their first Nintendo Gameboys in order to try attaining a New World Order (convicts these days are Illuminati). Panicked, I yanked off the tiny metal thing in my arm and ran. I found my clothes in a trunk lying around (persumably made from elephant ivory). Running then, armed with a syringe I found in a doctor's ear, I ran outside, poking every elephant I saw who was sagging their disgusting elephant pants too low. Finally, I somehow fell into the library. Pleased with the computers there (but not pleased with Windows XP), I logged on to my Wikia account. Along the way, however, I decided to read a few creepypastas to get me in the mood for adventure. I found one called "Wikia", and fell in love. Who is this amazing, talented writer who scared me half to death? Well, he seemed to have the same name as me. Strange. Anyways, I checked my notifications, and found a message directed towards me. It read:
Scheepybird! You've done as I've instructed. Now that you're here, I shall reveal myself.
Sincerely,
Bob
I was so excitied to meet this mysterious writer, I urinated in my trousers there and then. Then I heard someone clearing their throat, and turned to see a Lakitus, about seven feet tall, on a gigantic puffy cloud. Before I could dash off, the Lakitus grabbed me with his fishing rod and pulled me on to his cloud, flying through the library's roof and into Cloudberry Kingdom, where I was surely safe from all dangers in the world. He then said to me, in a low, gravelly voice, "Scheepybird, it is I, the mysterious writer, whose name was never revealed to you until now. My name is Bob the relatively nice Lakitus. I am here to reveal to you the world of outside!"
Before I could protest, he yanked me back down and flew me over many places, showing me elephants everywhere, some punching people, some robbing banks, and some on computers, reading odd fanfictions about the Raptors. Bob turned to me and said "our world is filled with some really messed up elephants. You must help them be purged of their sins to all of elephantkind. Show me your Nintendo DS." I pulled out Larry the DS, and licked it in amazement. How did he know I had a DS? He took my DS and then stabbed it with an Excalibur. I was so excited, I began to pull out a My Little Pony plushie and offered it to him. "Please," I said. "Take it." Bob took the plushie and shoved it in my left ear, to my delight. I was so happy, that I jumped off the cloud and died. Fortunately, Bob knew CPR. I woke up to see him thrusting a laptop in my face. "Read it. Read it now," said he. Still dazed from dying, I took the laptop (which ran Windows 8.1 for some reason), and saw he had opened up a series of creepypastas. "I've already read all of these, Bob. Show me something new."
"Alright then, but prepare to be amazed!" Bob then opened up a website called "Creepypasta Wiki." It contained a search bar for me to search for creepypastas, more categories, and more contributions! I instantly took the laptop and ran off into District Seven of Panem and began reading in a random alcove somewhere somehow.
Approximately thirteen and a half hours later, I had watched every one of MrCreepypasta's videos, read all of the Creepypastas on the Wiki, and died six times (the plushie in my ear kept on reviving me). But when I finished reading the page about Slenderman a third time, I noticed something odd. They added new content! I was so amazed that my nose fell into three pieces and sunk into a peeta which somebody dropped. I never saw my nose again. I read the new content, but something was really off. This wasn't about Slenderman, it was another strange fanfiction! I was so scared that I yanked the My Little Pony plushie out of my ear and then jumped off a cliff, right into a giant potato shaped like the Doge. I died. To this day, people still chant the name "Scheepybird" to themselves to honor me, who died. So the moral of the story is to never read fanfictions and creepypastas. They will kill you and a half. Sometimes, when you get killed, you might end up dying, so be careful kids!
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