Dead Bort
Ehm... First of all, I was a hyper-realistic intern at You're Next Studios- OK OK! Enough jokes.
I had to post this somewhere and the only place I could find is this godforsaken wiki. This experience was terrifying and will probably change my life forever, I think. Anyways, I was walking down the street like some big idiot without a car. There was a alleyway across from me and since it was a direct shortcut to Burger King, I decided to stroll right through it. I noticed a small shop in the alley, it looked interesting so I took a look at it. They were selling cursed items including some video tapes. I asked the grubby cashier why they were selling VHS tapes in the year of our lord 2024 and he said that they were just on display and they had DVDs of each of the videos in the back. I thought that was quite strange but I shrugged it off as a glitch. I saw one tape with very colorful box art, the title was "Dead Bort." I asked if I could buy it and he said I could take it for free! I was ecstatic! I shouted "You're serious?!" He told me "No, you imbecile. I can't believe you thought I was serious. Nothing is free anymore." I was disappointed but I still bought it anyways.
When I got home, all I wanted to do was watch that video. I literally tossed the DVD into the disc tray of my PS3 (don't judge.) It started with the iconic Dead Bort intro theme song, I'm sure you've heard it before so I won't describe it to you. The first scene was Bort walking for 15 seconds, I had my granddad's old stopwatch on hand just for this occasion. Bort then stopped and stared at me, his eyes began to bleed blood for 10 seconds. I vomited immediately, that chicken sandwich from Burger King must have been rancid. The next scene was Bort killing everyone in the Dead Bort Cinematic Universe (DBCU) with a bloody knife for 10 minutes! I was scared! The last scene was Bort getting murdered by Dead Bart, I was very confused. Why was Dead Bart Sampson from The Sampsons killing Bort? Then the tape ejected from the tape deck on my PS3 (don't judge.) I burned it on a stake!
This is a very true story. Right now, I throwing up in a trash bin because those bastards at Burger King gave me a rotten sandwich. I intend on suing them later. By the way, don't go looking for the DVD/tape. It ain't worth it. It sucked. I was scammed out of 50 bucks for that thing.
Written by Niagaranobs
Content is available under CC BY-SA
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