Disney's CARNAGE (in-character edition)
The Hometown school's unused classroom was completely different to how Susie remembered it. And not because last time it was an otherworldly kingdom of darkness; the strewn cards and boardgame implements once covering the floor were completely gone, only thing remaining in the room being an old TV on a wheeled stand.
"So, Alphys..." Susie gradually gritted her teeth. "Why the HELL have you told me to come in here?"
"W-well," Ms. Alphys was failing to not look intimidated. "I've been hearing things f-from the other teachers a-and-" "And WHAT?!" being dragged away from adventures with Kris was making Susie's anger less of an act than usual.
Better just rip the bandage off, Alphys thought to herself. "Have you been doing drugs?!" The accusation flew out of her mouth faster than the sweat sliding down her forehead.
"No."
Alphys tried to act as if she wasn't caught off-guard by Susie's bluntness. "E-either way, the school board has a zero-tolerance policy for this! But, uh, it's so rare here we don't have a punishment in place for substance use..."
"So what? Do you think you're gonna TALK me out of it? Because you're the so-called 'cool teacher'?" Susie began a slow, intimidating walk towards Alphys...
...which interrupted by Alphys assertively yanking out a remote from her pocket, holding it high. "As the 'cool teacher', I have prepared something that should be sufficiently..." she looked to the side awkwardly, before pressing a button. "...r-rough!" Alphys hastily reversed out the room, locking the door behind her. Before Susie could say anything, the sound of the TV powering on got her attention.
—
The TV flickered into life and began playing... the Disney movie title card? Huh? Susie would kill to watch a movie in school instead of having a regular lesson, so why is this her "detention"? She quickly discarded those thoughts and sat on the floor to watch. Even if Alphys found the most boring film she possibly could, Susie would gladly take this over writing lines or apologising to a bullied kid who clearly deserved it.
The Steamboat Willie intro began playing. Just before where it normally ended, Pete appeared on the edge of the river and began throwing rocks at public domain cartoon mouse legally distinct from Mickey, which didn't do much damage. Should have tried ACTing instead.
Visibly annoyed at the 0 damage popups, Pete looked to his side, spotting a boulder the same size as him. Suddenly he bolted into smear frames to effortlessly lift up the boulder and chuck it at the steamboat. On impact, the steamboat turned into a pixelated explosion sprite, sending Mickey's limbs flying everywhere. Susie's face lit up like a Holiday family Christmas tree. What was this? And why does it seem AWESOME?!
The movie began properly with Captain Hook from Peter Pan running from the Tick-Tock Croc, but the crocodile managed to catch up to him. With a single snap of the croc's jaws, the pirate was reduced to a mess of blood and organs sprouting everywhere. "Holy shit!" Susie shouted reflexively. A whole movie of insufferable children's cartoon characters getting pulped into gore? Her school day suddenly became way better. She continued watching with a giant grin.
After that, we see Gaster Gaste Gast Gaston from Beauty and the Beast stabbing Beast, then throwing him off the cliff, where his body is ripped in half after hitting a stalagmite. Maybe this single scene would actually work as punishment for Kris, Susie thought to herself. Not for her though; the mental image of the town's mild florist being impaled by a spiked rock was only enhancing her enjoyment.
Then the movie cut to the final battle of The Incredibles, specifically Syndrome attempting a getaway after feeling the wrath of the Marketable Baby Character™. He was trying to get out of the turbine that his cape was getting sucked into, but, unfortunately, he gets sucked in and shredded. "...was that even edited? That's just what happens in the movie normally."
Susie's confusion would not be answered as the movie quickly cut to the Hunchback of Notre Dame, where Frollo gets... into a gargoyle(?) and falls into the fire. (I've never watched this movie myself just go with it) His skin gets visibly burnt before splattering into the floor. The quality of the edited-in gore was getting noticeably worse with each scene, already looking MS Paint-esque. Not that Susie cared. She was still having a mail whale of a time.
The pacing was also getting more incoherent, with the scene suddenly changing to the finale of Tarzan. Clayton was falling through a thicket of vines, only for the pressure of the vines to be strong enough to decapitate him! After his body fell out, Tarzan slowly approached the corpse, before ripping the heart out, eating it and began beating his own chest, crying. "I've always wanted to try one of those." Susie thought out loud. Clearly it must taste good if he's being driven to tears of joy!
Cue another abrupt cut, this time to The Lion King. Scar was getting surrounded by his former hyena followers, who then started eating the hell out of him. I mean uhhh they ate him alive, ripping him limb by limb, piece by piece, down to the bones. That's definitely what I meant. No other possible interpretation.
The novelty of the film was starting to wear thin just a tiny bit. Is this the intended punishment? Getting desensitized to this kind of thing so it's no longer entertaining? Susie couldn't think of any other explanation for being forced to watch this by a school teacher, but either way it wasn't working.
The editing and pacing had finally degraded so much that it was nigh-incomprehensible. As thoroughly invested as Susie was, with the scenes coming out rapid-fire she could only barely make out Hopper from A Bug's life being eaten by birds and Randall from Monsters INC falling, splattering into blood and guts on impact. Which made no sense anyway. Monsters don't have blood! Where's the dust?
The movie abruptly ended mid-scene without any credits, leaving the TV on an obviously home-made DVD menu. Susie stared slack-jawed at the TV in bewilderment. ...before quickly breaking into intense, hearty laughter. This was the best hour of schooling in her life!
—
Ms. Alphys unlocked the door and entered the room with face full of smugness... that melted away immediately when she saw Susie kicking and pounding the floor in laughter. "Huh?!?!"
Susie noticed Alphys and stood up, struggling to suppress her laughter to speak. "Dude, where the HELL did you find that?! That was AWESOME!"
Alphys looked completely baffled. "A-are you not horrified? Mentally scared?!"
"No???" Susie's wide eyes poked out of her hair. "This is the exact shit I'm into! You really are the cool teacher!"
Somehow Alphys looked even more anxious than when Susie was threatening her. "Did the... poor editing not disgust you or anything??"
The mutual confusion calmed Susie down. "...What you were expecting? Seriously? ...and where I can get that movie?"
"The... art st-students made it! You can't just hav-" before Alphys could finish, a flash of inspiration hit her. She paused, then smiled. "I-if you start being well-behaved and keep at it, I'll give you the DVD!" Her anxiety seemed to vanish. "This was a rehabilitative detention! Totally intentional!"
A DVD? Susie thought for a second. Would Noelle like it? Maybe it would make for a good dat- Susie mentally crumpled up the idea. "Yeah, whatever." She returned to her usual body language and walked out the room.
However, she paused just under the doorframe, realising something. Toriel wouldn't let anyone in the school make something like that as part of class. She was far too squeaky clean to allow it. Susie looked back at Alphys. "Did you make that?"
Ms. Alphys' expression became deathly angry. Visibly surprised, Susie wisely left for the school closet without a word.
—
A bolt of purple rushed through Castle Town as Susie made a beeline for the dark fountain, even ignoring Lancer in her unusual desperation.
At the fountain's edge, Ralsei was smoking an comically large cigar of weed. With each exhale, smog came out of his mouth that was quickly swallowed into the stream of darkness. Just before he was about to take another puff of the doobie, the sound of rapid footsteps approaching made him turn around.
"Susie!" he exclaimed in joy, too high to grasp how fast or frantic her running was. "Do you want to help me replenish the fountain agai-" THUD! Susie pinned down Ralsei and screamed. "I TOLD YOU SOMEONE WOULD FIND OUT!!!"
Written by Yoshiatom
Content is available under CC BY-SA
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