Donkey Kong Country: Game Over
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NSFW WARNING
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If your childhood was anything like mine, you may have known of a certain character named Donkey Kong. Growing up, I LOVED the Donkey Kong Country games and Nintendo as a whole. But all this time, I had never known about a disturbing cancelled fourth entry...
Chapter 1 : The Garage Sale
It was 2/1/21, at 9:10:21 AM. I was walking down the side walk when I came across a garage sale, It was sus (like the game amoeg is 😂) and dilapidated, they were selling old junk like computers and toys. Something that peaked my interest though, was a Super Nintendo cartridge with the words "DONKEY KONG COUNTRY 4" poorly written on it in black Sharpie. And what was also intriguing was the fact that it was only selling for 1 cent. Being the curious guy I am, I took the game off the creepy old man's hands and brought it home.
Chapter 2: A Dark Vision
Once I got home, I just tossed the cartridge onto the coffee table and forgot about it for the rest of the day. Eventually It was 9:00 PM so I went to bed. While I was asleep, I had a dream about Elon Musk riding a giant anus and telling me to not play the monkey cart because it's cursed but I said "shut up u not my mom", and I was woken up by my alarm clock. I ran downstairs like a kid on Christmas morning only to remember that I have work today. So I slowly waddled to my computer as my grease-filled fat rolls bounced and jiggled with every thunderous step I made, and, eventually I got to my computer and sat in my work chair and logged onto the discord server I moderate to say hello to my precious kitten but she had a DISTURBING confession to make. The second I began my daily discord call with her she said at the top of her lungs "I THINK THE AGE OF CONSENT SHOULD BE 18 YEARS OLD" and it was so god damn loud and vile that it gave me a heart attack (trust me it's not because of my diet of Burger King and Doritos). I had to go to the ER and eventually I ended up fine.
Chapter 3: The Horror Begins
Anyways, what was this story about again? Oh yeah, Donkey Kong, so I got home and opened the attic stairs, climbed up them carefully (as they had gone through plenty of wear and tear) and reached the attic to find my childhood Super Nintendo but in its place, there was a weird Donkey Kong doll that looked like it was made by a 10 year old but what made it really unsettling was the fact that it appeared to have blood streaming from its loose button eyes. I tried to shrug it off and turned around to see my Super Nintendo sitting on a cardboard box with the words "TAKE IT" written in the same bad handwriting as the cartridge. I was really unnerved now, but when I rubbed my eyes, it changed to say "COME ON". I hesitantly took the console and quickly climbed back down. I wondered if playing this game was worth it and if I should just return it to the garage dealer but I was too deep in to stop now. So I went to my living room and took the cartridge and placed it into my Super Nintendo then I took the Super Nintendo and plugged it to my TV. The Rare startup screen was from Donkey Kong Country 2 but the logo was blood red and the music was low pitched and slowed down. Weirdly enough though, there was no Nintendo logo, almost like this wasn't even worked on by them. The title screen was just a black screen with white text saying "dkc4" and after pressing start an opening cutscenes plays that shows Donkey Kong, Dixie, and Diddy relaxing on the shore of DK island when all of a sudden, Diddy gets captured by the Kremlings and the other two wake up and run off to save Diddy. Throughout that cutscene, the characters, objects, and music would randomly disappear and reappear. I was annoyed by that problem but I powered through. The first level was a orange jungle level with level design similar to the first world in Donkey Kong Country 1. That was until I saw Dr Doofenshmirtz having diarrhea on a hyper-realistic toilet and I was like "YO DR. DOOF BIG FAN" and he was like "My life is like a video game Trying hard to beat the stage All while I am still collecting coins Trying hard to save the girl Obstacles, I'm jumping hurdles I'm growing up to be a big boy I battle with the evil ways I travel far and try and save Sorry, but your princess isn't here I take a rest, I push the pause Level up and move along In hopes that the next stage, I will clear I fucking passed, asshole I'm just trying to keep from dying It's just a game that we play, and for heaven's sakes Looking for a better way to play it Life is for keeping score and forevermore Stop complaining and start changing it Today I went to therapy Told him my embarrassing Issues that I'm having with my life (with my life) He told me that I need to change Life is not a video game So stop playing and open up your eyes I'm just trying to keep from dying It's just a game that we play, and for heaven's sakes Looking for a better way to play it Life is for keeping score and forevermore Stop complaining and start changing it Don't talk about it, just be about it Don't ever doubt it, even when your brain is clouded I may be crazy, but life's amazing And through it all and even with your problems facing So just know that it's okay My life is like a video game Trying hard to beat the stage All while I am still collecting coins Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, select, start It's just a game that we play, and for heaven's sakes Looking for a better way to play it Life is for keeping score and forevermore Stop complaining and start changing it It's just a game that we play, and for heaven's sakes Looking for a better way to play it Life is for keeping score and forevermore Stop complaining and start changing". But just as he was about to finish Donkey Kong pulled out an AK-47 and shot Doof in the face and hyper-realistic brain matter and eyeballs came flying. I screamed at the TV "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!?!?" and he just made gorilla sounds like he doesn't know what he just did. I went to the bathroom to throw up and forced myself to continue playing.
Chapter 4: The Nightmare Continues
After some more platforming I jumped on a Kremling like always but instead of cartoonishly falling offscreen it let out a blood curdling scream and fell over with it's skull cracked and brains and hyper realistic blood spilling out. As I walked away in-game I could hear Donkey Kong and Dixie letting out an evil, Demonic laugh as if they felt pleasure from the brutal death of the poor Kremling... After reaching the end of the level, I saw on the simplistic world map that the next level was a large rusty shack with skulls surrounding it. The level itself appeared to be a freaking (my mom doesn't let me swear) BDSM dungeon and I saw Funky Kong anally fucking Diddy in a black latex suit and Candy whipping Bluster Kong on the ass. Donkey Kong suddenly stopped in his tracks out my control and said "What the fuck is going on." Then he placed 210 C4s and blew the place up (thank god). Then the next level was an Applebee's location where there was a boss fight with famous Donkey Kong villain King K. Rool except he was grotesquely large with fat rolls and appeared to be high on cocaine. I found this disturbing as this was out of character for an E-rated franchise. Donkey Kong pulled out an AK-47 again and shot him in the balls. K. Rool let out a blood-curdling scream of pain and to say the least, I was creeped out. Then he does a victory pose similar to the one he does in the first Donkey Kong Country game and the game ended with a png of buff Donkey Kong in a spado with the text "Thanks for Playing, Retard" in comic sans.
Chapter 5: The Nightmare Ends
When that hell spawn of a game was over, I immediately tried to rip the cartridge out but it was glued in so I took my Super Nintendo outside and smashed with a sledgehammer as many times as I could until it was the size of sand grains and then I snorted it and set the nearest Zoo with gorillas in it on fire. Anyways, after that game, I will never see Donkey Kong the same way again.
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