EVIL MARIO 666.EXE
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NSFW WARNING
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Now this is a story all about how my life got flip turned upside down. And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there and tell you all about how EVIL MARIO 666.EXE ruined my life!
I was an intern at Nintendo Studio and I loved their games very much; especially Super Mario 64. One day I was browsing E-bay for a used Super Mario 64 cartridge. After a second of browsing, I found one That only cost $6.66. The price seemed reasonable so I bought it. Oddly enough the game arrived one millisecond after I bought it (I know because via my peripheral vision, I saw the mail guy deliver it.). I knocked the mail guy over and ran back inside to play the game. When I picked up the cartridge, I noticed it was covered in hyper-realistic blood and someone appeared to have smeared crap all over it that spelt out "EVIL MARIO 666.EXE" (As you can see from the picture)! But it was obviously just a glitch so it didn't concerned me. I slammed the cartridge into my N64 and started playing.
When the title screen started up, it said "EVIL MARIO 666" (just like what the crap message smeared on the cartridge said) instead of "SUPER MARIO 64" and the logo was covered in hyper-realistic blood, but once again it was just a glitch! When The Mario head popped up, it's eyes were completely black except for the red pupils in the middle and the music was reversed and distorted. Instead of saying the normal "Hello", the Mario head screamed "DIE!!!" so loud that I went deaf for 666 seconds. Once again, it was just another glitch so I shook it off and started playing a new game.
During the intro, Peach looked loopy as if she was high on crack which isn't like her at all! Usually she's seems high on weed! Instead of giving the normal invitation at the beginning, she said "YO MARIO: COME DOWN TO MY CRIB! I MADE SOME CRACK FO YA! YO SEXY GAL-- PEACH". At this point, I thought to myself "Damn! This is one glitchy Mario 64 game!".
After Mario jumped out of the pipe like he does in the intro, a message popped up saying "LOOKS LIKE THAT LITTLE FAT ITALIAN PLUMBER IS AT IT AGAIN!". I moved Mario up to the bridge and Lakita appeared in front of Mario and another message box appeared saying "I HATE YOU! GO JUMP OFF A BRIDGE YOU FAT PIECE OF CRAP!". It seemed odd to me that Mario was getting so much hate from all these message boxes. I went inside the castle and another message box appeared saying "UGH WHY WON'T THIS FATASS JUST KEEL OVER AND GO AWAY!?!?"(oh and the Bowser laugh sounded high pitched for some weird reason).At this point, I thought to myself "Why are these message boxes being such a-holes to Mario?". Everything was normal from there until I entered the first world of the game. When I did, Bangarang by Skrillex started playing with an obnoxious bass and treble and the red bob ombs all had weed doobs up their butts. Another message box appeared saying "YO MARIO, TRY SOME OF THIS WEED MAN; IT'S THE SHIZZLE!!!". The black bob ombs also had weed doobs up there butts and any time they saw me, they'd chase me while farting weed smoke and then explode. I made it up the mountain where King Bob omb stands, but when I did, King Bob omb wasn't there, instead...it was...none other than................. SNOOP DOGG!! Another message box appeared saying "YO I'M SNOOPIZZLE, THE NIZZLE OF JIZZLES, THE FRIZZLE OF DIZZLES. WHAT THE HELLIZZLE ARE YOU DOEN UP ON MY MOUNTAINIZZLE!? YOU MAY HAVE SMOKED MY WEED HIGHIZZLES, BUT YOU AIN'T NEVER GETTEN PAST THIS NIZZLE!!!" Then Snoop Dogg whacked Mario off the mountain with his magic weed doobs and Mario died, but he jumped out of the portrait with a star so I was like, "WTF?"
Another message box appeared saying, "WAY TO GO FATTY!!! YOU CAUGHT ONE TINY STAR!!! NOW YOU HAVE ONLY 119 TO GO!! YEAH IT'S GONNA BE A LONG DAY FO YA!!!". I went on to the next world and Bangarang by Skrillex was playing again with the same bass and treble. Another message box appeared saying, "OH NO!! MARIO IS IN THE SECOND WORLD NOW!! AT THIS RATE HE'S GONNA DISCOVER THAT US MESSAGE BOXES ARE THE ILLUMINATI!!! OH CRAP!!". Another message box appeared saying "YOU IDIOT!!! YOU JUST SAID THAT OUT LOUD!!". "SO-A YOU-A GUYS-A WERE-A THEA ILLUMINATI-A THIS-A WHOLE-A TIME-A!?", said Mario, "DIE-A DIE-A DIE-A!!!". Mario pulled out a shotgun and shot the message boxes. Hyper realistic blood flew all over the place! On the trees, on the grass, on the walls, on the hyper-realistic blood, there was hyper-realistic blood EVERYWHERE!! "THAT-A TAKES-A CARE-A OF-A THAT-A!!!", said Mario. I went up to the the top of the sky island were that giant whomp was at, but instead of the giant whomp...it was..."BOB SAGGOT!!!", shouted Torrets Guys. "DAMMIT TORRETS GUY!!! YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO SAY ANYTHING TILL I ANNOUNCED YOU!!!", said me. No message boxes appeared to say what Torrets Guy was saying cause Mario shot them all with a shotgun! Torrets Guy just prat fell on Mario and he fell out of the island and into the Boo Haunted House world(Mario that is. Not Torrets Guy).
There was something weird about the boos when I entered the world, they all seemed high on meth! They would never attack if they saw me, they'd just float there and giggle like a bunch of druggies. The eyes balls were even stranger considering that they were replaced by hyper-realistic turd balls! When I walked circles around them, they would explode and splatter hyper-realistic crap everywhere! Everything took a turn for the worse; however, once I saw that piano. It had a hyper-realistic appearance and it was covered in blood and crap (Boo crap to be more specific). I tried to make Mario approach the piano, but he stopped dead in his tracks, looked at me angrily and said "OH-A HELL-A NO-A!!! I'M-A NOT-A GOING-A ANYWHERE-A NEAR-A THAT-A DAMNED-A PIANO-A!!! IF-A YOU-A TRY-A TO-A EVEN-A MAKE-A ME-A, I-A WILL-A JUMP-A OUTT-A THAT-A TV-A AND-A WOOP-A YO-A ASS-A!!!". Then I thought to myself, "Wait a minute! Mario never talks to the player in this game!!". The thought scared me so bad that I went to the bathroom crapped bricks for a full 12 hours! It was then when I realized this game wasn't just glitched; it was fricken haunted(Or it was just hacked. IDK :/)! I came back to the game and Mario was still staring at me angrily and out of fear, I replied to Mario saying "You know what, screw U! I'm your master and you do as I command you!" and I forced Mario to approach the hyper-realistic piano anyways. When he approach the piano, Bangarang played once again with that same damned bass and treble! The piano ate Mario in a very hyper-realistic manner! Hyper-realistic blood splattered every where and then the hyper-realistic piano looked at me and said "I AM GOD AND YOU ARE NEXT!!!" and it jumped out of the TV and viciously ate me! hyper-realistic blood sprayed outta my body like crazy! It got all over the walls and the ceiling and every thing! About 10 hours later, the piano crapped me and Mario out as giant hyper-realistic turds and we've walked the earth like that since then!
Life as a hyper-realistic turd has been pretty rough. I get crap on everything I touch, I'm always having to smell my stanky self on a daily bases, and I've had zero luck with the ladies. It took me hours to clean up all the hyper-realistic blood that got on my walls and once I cleaned up the hyper-realistic blood, it got replaced with hyper-realistic crap from my turdy body! Mario on the other hand seems to be managing okay, but there are still hard feelings from me getting him turned into the hyper-realistic turd he is today. He even kicked me in my turdy groan to show just how angry he was!(In case you're wondering; yes, I have written this story as a hyper-realistic turd and It's gonna take for ever to get this crap out of my keyboard!!) After all this I know one thing is certain: Evil Mario 666.Exe is the very embodiment of evil; the spawn of Satan himself!! Anyone who plays it will be cursed and turned into hyper-realistic turds! So for all that's holy DON'T PLAY THIS GAME!!! IF YOU SEE A CARTRIDGE LIKE THE ONE IN THE PIC ABOVE, CRAP ON IT AND LIGHT IT ON FIRE!!! I also know that I'm never touching another video game again for as long as I live! THE END!!!
P.S. this is a true story.
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