Five Nights at the Little Shop on Elm Street on Friday in Amityville on Halloween
This is an official script found by me during my time at Disney. I worked there in the early 2000s, around the time they were going to make this film. Do not tell Disney I found this.
[All that is shown is a black screen. Then, white letters appear on screen, showing the film title, Five Nights at the Little Shop on Elm Street on Friday in Amityville on Halloween: Pennywise the Shining Poltergeist: The Exorcist's 8 Pages from Captain Howdy in The Hood: Signs of Annabelle's Unbreakable yet Split Sixth Sense Ring: Jeff and Scooby's Suicide: The Good Son's Maximum Overdrive Gremlins who are the Third Kind of Extraterrestrials: Tremors in Holes Dug by The Predator and The Terminator: The Village within The Twilight Zone that The Last Airbender Lives in: Shrek and Stuart Little visit Us and The Grudge: Scream of The Covenant at Jurassic Park 57.]
[After giving the audience ample time to read this title and process all the information, the black screen fades to a shot of a lakeside. Five counselors are sitting at the waterside]
Counselor on the far right (Brian): I can't believe I got a position at Camp Diamond Pond . All these loser kids do is swim in the lake and we have to watch them constantly or they'll drown or something.
Counselor on the middle right (Derick): Yeah, I know, Brian. Look at that loser swimming in the middle of the lake all by himself.
Counselor in the middle (Sarah): Derick, you're super nice. Let's go have sexual intercourse.
Counselor on the far left (Shannon): Hey, Brian, wanna have sexual intercourse?
Brian: Sure, Shannon.
Counselor on the middle left (Will): What about me?
Derick: You can go sexual intercourse yourself, Will.
[The four get up and walk off screen, leaving Will alone.]
Will: Well I guess I gotta go find something now.
[Will gets up and walks off screen, in the opposite direction of the four.]
[After a few seconds the camera zooms in on a kid in the middle of the lake, drowning. As the kid starts to go under, Will walks back on screen and shouts to the drowning child]
Will: Audrey II!!! Hold on, I'm coming!
[Will swims to Audrey II, the camera follows him up close across the lake, but when Will gets to where Audrey II was, the boy is missing]
[The screen fades to black, and letters appear saying '10 years later', then fades to a scene of a grown up Sarah running down a dark hallway. Behind her a figure is following at a run, quickly catching up]
Sarah: Audrey II! Audrey II! I'm sorry!!
The figure (Audrey II): You're the second to last one left, Sarah! There's no escape now!
[The figure draws a gun while still running, and shoots Sarah in the back of her head]
[Sarah wakes up in bed, completely safe. Then a bullet passes through her head, killing her]
[The scene fades to a different scene, of a family standing around a car, moving packages into a garage]
Will (The father): Well, guys, I sure am glad that we moved to this nice quiet suburbs! Did you kids know that this place was built on an indian burial ground?
Sherry (The mother): Will, it's actually NATIVE AMERICAN.
Will: Sherry, I do not care. It's an indian burial ground, not an indian burial native american.
Jack (The nine year old son]: You tell her, Dad!
Will: That's my boy! It's the sixties, so I should beat her for talking back to me.
Samantha (The six year old daughter): Dad! Please don't beat mom again today!
Will: Samantha you don't have a say in this. You're adopted.
[Samantha walks into the house, looking very sad.]
[The scene fades into a different scene, of the family eating dinner]
Will: Wow Sherry! This food sure is great!
Sherry: Will, can you go grab the napkins?
Will: Sure, Sherry!
[Will gets up to grab the napkins from the kitchen, and after he leaves his chair starts floating in the air above the dining room table]
Sherry: WHAT THE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE? WILL, GET IN HERE!
[Will runs into the dining room and yells to the family]
Will: LET'S GET OUT OF HERE, GANG!
[The family runs to the front door, but Samantha runs into a wall for no reason at all]
CANNED LAUGHTER: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
[A hand reaches out from the wall and drags Samantha in]
Will: Alright bucko! Let's settle this! Give me my daughter back or else!
Voice in the wall: Will you are just a little mortal boy masquerading as a man.
[Will pulls a shotgun out of his ass and aims it at the wall]
Voice in the wall: Is-is that a shotgun? That's not cool, man. This ain't a fair fight.
[Samantha steps out of the wall and runs to Will then hugs him]
Will: Samantha, go with your mother and brother to the car.
[The three run out the door as Will starts blasting away at the wall]
Will: Eat fecal matter, and go back to Asia!
Voice in the wall: it's NATIVE AMERICAN, JACKASS, AND I'LL PULL YOU TO THE GRAVE WITH ME!!
[Will jumps out the living room window and runs to join his family at the car, while the house sucks itself into the void]
Samantha: They're baaaack!
[The family then drives out of town as the scene fades to a scene of the family getting out of their car at a new house, this time a farmhouse.]
Will: Amityville looks like a great town, gang!
Jack: Where are you going, Dad?
[Will is walking to the road, away from the family]
Will: I'm going to my job at the local hotel!
[The family unpacks without Will]
[The next day Jack is watching TV. The window next to him shows a clear, sunny, early April day]
[The TV switches to breaking news]
News reporter: We interrupt your scheduled programming to tell you that due to the raging snow storm in Amityville, the local hotel has been isolated from town and a new employee named Will has killed numerous employees with an axe! Police have been unable to identify him, but he may be linked to a break in of a local halloween store!
[Jack runs away from the living room]
[Footage of Jack walking in a parking lot at night as narration is playing over the footage]
Narrator: I never saw my father again after the night we arrived in town, but over the next few years I realized that it wouldn't be such a great idea to meet him again. He had stolen a clown costume from a halloween store and then there were sightings of a clown going after children and manifesting itself as the children's fears. Me and my family lived a quiet life in Amityville from then on, until that fateful night that I decided to get a job. The year was 1987.
[Jack walks into the building he has been walking to, which has a sign above it saying, 'FREDDY FAZBEAR'S PIZZERIA'.]
[Jack is now sitting in his office listening to a phone call. Jack's feet are on the table, as he believes this will be an easy night.]
Phone Guy: "Hello? Hello, hello? Uhh, I wanted to record a message for you... to help you get settled in on your first night. Um, I actually worked in that office before you. I'm... finishing up my last week now, as a matter of fact, so... I know it can be a bit overwhelming, but I'm here to tell you: there's nothing to worry about. Uh, you'll do fine! So... let's just focus on getting you through your first week. Okay?
Uh, let's see. First, there's an introductory greeting from the company that I'm supposed to read. Eh, it's kind of a legal thing, you know. Um, 'Welcome to Freddy Fazbear's Pizza: a magical place for kids and grown-ups alike, where fantasy and fun come to life. Fazbear Entertainment is not responsible for damage to property or person. Upon discovery of damage or if death has occurred, a missing person's report will be filed within ninety days or as soon as property and premises have been thoroughly cleaned and bleached and the carpets have been replaced.' Blah, blah, blah...
Now that might sound bad, I know. But there's really nothing to worry about.
Uh, the animatronic characters here do get a bit quirky at night, but do I blame them? No! If I were forced to sing... those same stupid songs for twenty years, and I never got a bath? I'd probably be a bit irritable at night too. So remember: these characters hold a special place in the hearts of children, and you need to show them a little respect. Right? Okay.
So just be aware: the characters do tend to wander a bit. Uhh, they're left in some kind of "free-roaming mode" at night. Uhh... something about their servos locking up if they get turned off for too long. Uhh... they used to be allowed to walk around during the day, too, but then there was the Bite of '87. Yeah... I-It's amazing that the human body can live without the frontal lobe, you know?
Now concerning your safety: the only real risk to you as a night watchman here, if any, is the fact that these characters, uhh, if they happen to see you after hours, probably won't recognize you as a person. Th-They'll most likely see you as a metal endoskeleton without its costume on. Now, since that's against the rules here at Freddy Fazbear's Pizza, they'll probably try to... forcefully stuff you inside a Freddy Fazbear suit. Um, now that wouldn't be so bad if the suits themselves weren't filled with crossbeams, wires, and animatronic devices, especially around the facial area. So you can imagine how having your head forcefully pressed inside one of those could cause a bit of discomfort... and death. Uh, the only parts of you that would likely see the light of day again would be your eyeballs and teeth when they pop out the front of the mask, heh. ...Y-Yeah, they don't tell you these things when you sign up...
But hey! First day should be a breeze; I'll chat with you tomorrow. Uhh, check those cameras, and remember to close the doors only if absolutely necessary. Gotta conserve power.
Alright. Goodnight."
Jack: Holy guacamole! This ain't good at all!
[A purple hand reaches out from the dark left doorway. Jack slams his fist into the light, illuminating a purple bunny (Bonnie), who steps back into the hall in shock. Jack shuts the door.]
Narrator: You see, Bonnie was a troubled child. His mother and father divorced when he was just five years old. His mother than took on a very active sex life and began neglecting young Bonnie. As Bonnie got older he often bullied other children in order to make himself feel better. His behavior became worse when his step father moved in and started beating the boy. When Bonnie entered high school he took to drugs to numb the pain. One day, the principal sat Bonnie down and gave him a good talking to. Principal Rogers became Bonnie's father in a way, and guided him through the rest of his high school years, always taking care of the troubled boy, and leading him to the right path. Then, Bonnie's step father shot Principal Rogers during a night on the town when he found out Principal Rogers was the one who was giving Bonnie all those ideas that he could do something with his life other than take over the family business, a small run down auto shop that Bonnie's step father was a co-owner. At the funeral Bonnie learned that his father wasn't a no good bum who left his family at the idea that his son may have a deformity, but a man who had found out his wife was having an affair and wanted to put her son up for adoption, and his father was a man who had tried to get his son to a better place in life, eventually being divorced and taking to alcohol before learning that the last principal of the high school had retired. Bonnie's father then straightened himself up and set out to make some lives better.
[The whole time, footage of what is being said is shown]
[Cut back to Jack in the office]
Jack: Night one sure was a breeze! I'll get that paycheck in no time!
[Freddy appears in the right hall, his eyes flickering]
Jack: Who's that?
Freddy: It's me, Freddy Fazbear! And YOU ARE DEAD!!!
[Freddy jumps into the office at Jack, but Jack backs away into the corner]
Jack: We can solve this!
[Freddy is now towering above Jack, with a menacing look in his eyes]
Freddy: No we can't! Get bent! We are too different to have peace, fool!
Jack: Well then....
[Music can be heard now]
You and I we are so different,
You tell me to go and get bent
But I'm telling you
that maybe that's not truuuuuue
[Chica, Foxy, Bonnie, and Golden Freddy pop up, and sing along]
You and I we are so alike
we can go and ride a tandem bike
or maybe go on a raft out to sea
because the world is a lock and friendship is the key
Let's all be friends
With friendship there are never dead ends
we could eat an entire cake
or swim across a lake
or be whatever we want to be
because the world is a lock and friendship is the keeey!
We could live on a remote island
or even form a band
[Freddy joins in, now leaving his life of hate behind]
fill every day with unicorns and rainbows
make lots of kid friendly shows
make everyday summer and ban bullying
our inner light is showing
because the world is a lock and friendship is the key!
because the world is a lock and friendship is the key!
BECAUSE THE WORLD IS A LOCK AND FRIENDSHIP IS THE KEEEEEY!
[The music dies down]
Freddy: wow guys! I now see what I have been doing is wrong. Foxy, I should have never kicked you out of the band, and Golden Freddy, now that I think about it, you're a great older brother!
Foxy: Arrrgh, Freddy, ya be makin me tear up!
Golden Freddy: Thank you Freddy, you're a great younger brother as well!
Freddy: I could have never done it without you, Jack! In thanks, I'll let you work here with no hassle! I'm a changed bear now.
[Clips show Jack and the animatronics having a great time, playing on stage, baking pizza, and playing arcade games]
Narrator: I finished up the week and got my first paycheck. It was just enough to get a quarter tank of gas. That Friday I drove out of Amityville, and through the nearby forest, on my way to the big city. Then I had to turn around because I forgot my wallet at home.
[Scene turns to Jack driving down a road, distracted from driving, reading from Creepypasta wiki about Slenderman]
Jack: This slenderman guy sure is spooky!
[Jack's car's engine stutters and stops]
Jack: Now what is it?
[Jack gets out of the car and checks up on the engine. Behind him Will, in his clown costume walks slowly towards him and morphs into Slenderman. Jack turns around and sees Slenderman and runs into the woods]
[Jack is now collapsed at a tree, gasping for breath]
Jack: I think he's gone.
[Slenderman jumps out of nowhere and grabs Jack, strangling him.]
Slenderman: Jack, I am your father
[Slendermans face peels back, revealing Will's underneath]
[Jack screams while being strangled]
Will: Now, son, you are going to die! You should have told me about the snow storm! I WOULDN'T HAVE GONE CRAAZY THEN!
[Will stops strangling Jack for a minute since his hands are getting sweaty]
Will: My hands sure are sweaty! Got any of your mother's spaghetti?
Jack: Dad! I will put you to rest!
[Jack stands up]
Will: You can't. I am far too powerful.
Jack: I am an exorcist.
[Captain Howdy walks by on his afternoon hike]
Captain Howdy: Jack, what's going on? How's the pizzeria job going?
Jack: it's going real great, Captain Howdy.
[Captain Howdy continues on his hike]
Will: EXORCIST??? OH NO!!!
[Will's head starts spinning around rapidly, then stops and he barfs out all of his internal organs and collapses onto the ground]
Will: Jack.... Tell your mother I loved her.
[Will dies and Jack calls his mother and tells her Will's last words.]
[Jack gets back into his car, which fixed itself, and drives to the city]
[Now the scene is a 50's diner where a leprechaun and his two chums Big Cheddar and Lil Testies are sitting at the counter]
Leprechaun: So then he says to me-
[Jack enters the diner and the three turn to him. Leprechaun hops down from his chair]
Leprechaun: look at this lil fellow! Tell me, what's your name?
Jack: My name is Jack.
Leprechaun: Aye, What kinda funny name is Jack? I'm going to call you... dead. Don't come into my hood and barge into my diner with the sign sayin 'dont come in at five thirty on account of my business meeting with Lil Testies'.
Jack: I'm sorry sir, but I need a chocolate milk shake.
Leprechaun: I'll give you a chocolate milk shake if you can beat me... in a rap battle.
Jack: I'm a great singer. Freddy Fazbear can tell you that.
Leprechaun: Well, I was Freddy Fazbear's singing teacher.
[Everyone gasps]
[A hip hop beat starts playing]
Leprechaun: I'm the leprechaun from ireland where my rap music was banned my mother told me it wasn't jammin and they were selling my guitar to feed the family durin the potato famine
Jack: All my friends all agree that they have a wonderful friend in me I'm nice to everyone I meet I find great manners really neat
Leprechaun: My father told me to go to the land of the free teeheeheeheeteeheeteeheeteeheeteeheeheehee So I got a job at general mills And I started drinking lots of ales
Jack: Stereotypes are mean I see you're wearing all green Try to be a better friend to all your irish peers. This rap battle's gotta end.
Leprechaun: Why are you re-using rhymes? And the green is because I really like limes. Also cause I got alcohol poisoning So stop this offensive belittling
Jack: You're really not being nice. And the limes things really lazy lies. Come and join me and everything would be real peachy
Leprechaun: I got me orange hair and me pot o golds over there But oh I guess alright You win this rap battle fight
[hip hop beat ends]
Leprechaun: I'm sorry, laddies but it's been fun
[Leprechaun looks at the floor, sad]
Lil Testies: What's tha matter, Leprechaun man?
Leprechaun: I'm sorry Lil Testies, but Leprechaun isn't my name. It's John. I'm also not irish.
[Up until now Leprechaun has been speaking in a goofy irish accent, but now he sounds like Brian Griffin]
Big Cheddar: So this whole time, you've been lyin to us?
John: I had no choice. I was born with orange hair and I could do a pretty funny irish accent.
Jack: John, there's no excuse for lying to your friends. Big Cheddar and Lil Testies deserve to trust you.
John: Big Cheddar, Lil Testies, can you forgive me for lying?
Big Cheddar: Of course, lil man!
Lil Testies: I forgive ya, my friend!
[The three hug]
[Jack leaves the diner and gets back in his car and drives away]
[John walks out of the diner and calls to Jack]
John: JACK! I GOT A NEW NAME FOR YOU! MIKE MYERS!! IT'S A FAMILY NAME AND I WANT YOU TO HAVE IT TO THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME OUT!
[Mike is now at his new farmhouse, on the porch with his wife, Sheril. Mike is now falling asleep]
[In Mike's dream he is running down a hallway (real original), and a figure is chasing after him. The figure is Audrey II]
Audrey II: You can't run forever!
Mike: Oh yeah I can!
[Mike is jolted out of his sleep by Sheril, who heard him screaming in his sleep]
Mike: What's wrong?
[Sheril is staring at something behind Mike. Mike turns around and sees Audrey II standing behind him]
Audrey II: Mike, Mike, Mike.
Mike: Who are you?
Audrey II: I'm the boy your father let drown in the lake. I'm Audrey II! Because I couldn't get your father, I'll get YOU!
Mike: But Audrey II, my dad tried to save you! He swam out to get you but you disappeared!
Audrey II: Yeah, I remember that, but just for shits and giggles I'll get you.
Mike: Not if SHE has anything to say about it.
Audrey II: Who's 'SHE'?
[Audrey II turns to see Annabelle behind him, holding a knife.]
Annabelle: You're going down, punk.
[Audrey II and Annabelle get into a fight on the front lawn and kill each other. This scene is improv, because us writers are lazy.]
Narrator: Thus ends the tragic tale of Audrey II. A man so consumed with hate that he broke out of an asylum to hunt me down. Sadly, that winter my wife, Sheril, died during childbirth, and me and my new son, Bill, lived on the farm. That was until some rather odd folk came to visit us on our farm ten years later.
[Mike and Bill are sitting at the table, eating breakfast]
Mike: How did you sleep, son?
Bill: I slept fine.
Mike: That's great to hear!
[The mailman bursts into the room from the front door]
Mailman: MIKE! BILL! You have to see this! Someone drew a bunch of massive dicks in your cornfield!
Mike: Drew? What do you mean?
Mailman: Someone made crop circles out there that look like massive dicks!
Mike: Let me go see. You're joking.
[Mike leaves to go check out the cornfield, leaving Bill and the mailman in silence]
Mailman: Are you going to finish those cheerios?
[Bill stares at the mailman]
Mailman: Cheerios are a very healthy way to start your day! When I get up, I always pour myself a nice bowl of cheerios since they're so delicious! They've got very little sugar and other unhealthy things, and instead are a wonderful breakfast for the whole family!
Bill: What?
Mailman: Ah, I see you're drinking Dean's Dairy Pure milk! It has all your children need in order to have strong and healthy bones! No added flavors either! It's all from healthy, free roam cows!
[Mike bursts in through the front door]
Mike: IT'S TRUE! THEY DREW DICKS, BALLS, AND EVEN SEMEN!!!
Mailman: It's bad, isn't it? Those aliens are awfully cruel pranksters.
Mike: Aliens didn't do that.
[Just then, some aliens turn off their invisibility cloaks and appear in front of the cabinets. The aliens are named Alan, Trent, and Grayman.]
Alan: Hey earthlings, it was us who drew dicks on your crops!
Mike: Why would you do something like that?
Alan: Because we like being funny and juvenile!
Grayman: Indubitably!
Trent: We'll restore your field to normal if you beat us in a rap battle.
Mike: Ok, let me just get a drink of water. My throat is sore.
Grayman: Your throat is sore? Trent, we'll be drawing dicks in cornfields tonight!
[Mike turns on the faucet, and the water sprays out and some droplets ricochet off the sink and hit the three aliens]
Alan: WATER! OUR WEAKNESS! YOU WIN, EARTHLINGS!
[The three aliens die]
Mailman: Shouldn't they have felt the effects of water earlier? It's in the atmosphere. Speaking of water, have you heard about Aquafina?
Narrator: Later that day I went out and bought Bill some comic books because one of the aliens jerked off to some drawings in one and stained them before going to the kitchen. As the summer wound down, I found out that Bill had been born with weak bones. The mailman brought in some Dean's Dairy Pure experts, but even they failed to help him out. His illness was too far gone. For months Bill laid in bed, or hanging around the train station, until I sent him back to school. After his first day he came back home very happy.
[The two are in the living room, watching TV]
Bill: Dad! Today I met a really cool kid!
Mike: That's great, son! What's he like?
Bill: He's really strong, and for some reason he's bald. But he's in the first grade with me so that's weird. His name is Bruce.
Mike: How about you bring your friend over tomorrow? You two sound like great friends.
[It's the next day, and Mike is sitting on the front porch, waiting for the two youngsters to get home so he can get them lunch]
Mike: Aaaaah, what a wonderful day it happens to be.
[Bill and Bruce Willis come up the walk from the bus stop and get to the porch. The two are covered in mud.]
Mike: Hey Bill! You must be Bruce. You're a bit taller and more muscular than I imagined you.
Bruce Willis: Hey Bill's dad. I'm Bruce Willis from down the street. My daddy and mommy were killed in a train wreck so I live with my granny.
[Bruce Willis starts crying]
Mike: That sure is sad, Bruce. Do you want a PB and J sandwich?
Bruce Willis: Sure Bill's dad.
[Bruce Willis struggles to say this through the tears]
[It is now late afternoon and Bruce Willis and Bill are in the woods, playing with sticks.]
Bruce Willis: Hey Bill! Look what I can do!
[Bruce Willis juggles some sticks while giggling]
Bill: That's awesome!
[A stick cracks behind Bruce Willis. His face goes white and he drops the sticks.]
Bruce Willis: Is it the cereal killer insane guy that was on the news?
Bill: Yeah.
[Split steps out from behind Bruce Willis, smiling]
Split: Hi guys!
Bill: Get back!
Split: Why? You're bullies!
Bill: Oh no I think this guy has a split personality!
[Split's face twists into a somber look]
Split: My family is dead. I need you two chucklenuts to stop joking around and help me find some clues.
Bill: I'm pretty sure you killed them. It was on the news.
Split: WHAT?!?!
[Split's face is now very malevolent]
Split: Yes... It was me who killed them. And now you're next.
[Split takes a pistol out of his coat and aims at Bill's face]
Bruce Willis: STAY AWAY FROM MY FRIEND!!
[Bruce Willis runs at Split, but trips in a creek and screams from the pain of the water on him]
Bruce Willis: AIEIEIGGIGIGGHHGIGGIEEEHEGIGGAAAAAAHHHHHH
[Split shoots at Bruce Willis instead, but the bullet crumples up against Bruce Willis' forehead and fell into the creek. Split aims at Bill again, while Bruce Willis is screaming from the pain.]
Bill: Bruce! Are you an alien?
[Bruce Willis doesn't answer, because he is screaming in pain.]
Split: Say goodnight kiddie!
[Bruce Willis jumps on Split and bashes his head in, killing him]
[The two friends return to Bill's house, walking in silence.]
[A few days later, Bill and Mike are at dinner in the dining room]
Mike: Bill, it's very amazing that the doctors found a cure for your illness!
[Bruce Willis bursts into the room]
Bruce Willis: Are there any ghosts here? My granny got me some ghost hunter stories. I want to see if they're true.
Bill: Not that I can think of.
Bruce Willis: What's wrong?
[Bill's face is very pale]
Bill: On the news when there was the train wreck, they pulled a lot of bodies out. Your parents bodies were there. And yours as well.
Bruce Willis: No.... It can't be.
Bill: I-
Bruce Willis: You're lying, right?
Bill: I see dead people.
[Bruce Willis gasps]
Bill: And I derailed the train. It was an accident, I swear.
Bruce Willis: Bill, I'm dead?
[Bill nods]
Narrator: Because of Bill's remorse, he moved away. He remembered the story of Audrey II, and so he moved into an abandoned cabin at the ruins of Camp Diamond Pond.
[Bill is messing around in the cabin, looking on shelves in the dim light, he finds a tape. He walks over the creaky floorboards to the old TV and puts the tape in. A black and white episode of The Annoying Orange plays, and Bill watches. When it gets to the credits, Bill skips to the end of tape. At the end it says 'If you watched this whole tape and didn't skip anything, including the credits, YOU WILL DIE IN 7 DAYS UNLESS YOU SHOW THIS WHOLE TAPE TO SOMEONE ELSE. Bill breathed a sigh of relief]
Narrator: This led Bill to realize his fear of the outside world was completely silly. As Bill got up to leave, he got a phone call.
[Bill gets a phone call and he picks up. It's his friend Jeff on the other end]
Jeff: Hey old friend!
Bill: Hey Jeff! How's it going?
Jeff: It's going pretty good.
Bill: Are the bullies letting up? I heard lew or loo or whatever his name is was in trouble.
Jeff: I killed my parents, Bill.
Bill: What, Jeff? You were always so nice though.
Jeff: I killed my parents, Bill.
Bill: You mentioned that, Jeff.
Jeff: Call me Jeff The Killer. And Bill, I cut myself on the edge.
Bill: What's that supposed to mean, Jeff?
Jeff: JEFF, THE KILLER.
Bill: Oh, yeah, I forgot.
Jeff: I got edgy, you know. I dyed my hair black, I poured bleach on my face, then I did a joker.
Bill: Oh.
Jeff: Have a good day, Bill. I gotta go pick up some groceries now.
[The two hang up, and Bill sits in silence for a moment]
Narrator: Since Bill wasn't even eleven, he didn't have much ideas of where to go. He had been planning to go home at this point, but now realizing that there were too many serial killers at home, Bill decided to go to the only safe place he could think of.
[Bill is walking down a road, and there is a clear blue, water, sky. Bill is wearing a diving suit. Bill passes a 'WELCOME TO BIKINI BOTTOM' sign. Bill decided to go to the krusty krab and walked up to the counter, where Squidward is.]
Bill: Your name says you're Squidward.
Squidward: What's it to ya?
Bill: You sound more italian than I thought squids were.
Squidward: Shut the hell up, kid. There's meatballs being cooked up back there.
Bill: But there aren't any meatballs on the menu.
Squidward: What's it to ya?
Bill: Can I stay at your house? I don't have anywhere to go.
Squidward: Ya look like a child. It ain't too smart to ask a random stranger to stay with em.
Bill: Well, can I?
Squidward: Sure, kid. I'm ya godfather now.
[Bill and Squidward go to Squidward's house after his work lets out. Bill and Squidward sit on Squidward's bed]
Squidward: Billy, I gotta tell ya, I am a great musician.
Bill: Play me a song.
[Squidward plays a beautiful song on his clarinet. Everyone within hearing distance sheds a tear for the beauty of the song.]
[Squidward ends the song and looks eagerly to Bill]
Squidward: So, whattya think?
Bill: It was alright.
Squidward: Alright?? I'm ruined, I tell ya!
[Squidward pulls a shotgun from under his bed, and slides the barrel into his mouth.]
Bill: Don't do it, Squidward! I was just saying-
[Squidward pulls the trigger and splatters his brains against the wall]
[Bill cries]
Bill: I was just saying that it was alright! that's my way of saying it's amazing!! WHY SQUIDWARD, WHY????
Narrator: Bill, sad now, decided to go back on land and find a place to cry.
[Bill is now walking along a beach at night. In the distance there is a campfire. Bill walks to it, in silence. When he arrives he sees four teens and a dog.]
[The lead teen,Fred, with a white shirt and a orange tie, and blonde hair, greets Bill]
Fred: Hey, I'm Fred!
[Fred points to the girl next to him, with orange hair and a purple dress]
Fred: That's Daphne!
Daphne: Hello!
[Fred points to a girl sitting next to a different guy, she's wearing a oversized orange sweater and a pair of glasses]
Fred: That's Velma!
Velma: Hey, what's your name?
[Velma says this while readjusting one of the glass]
Bill: I'm Bill.
[A crazy looking guy wearing a green shirt and has the start of a beard speaks up, he's sitting next to Velma. His name is Shaggy]
Shaggy: I'm like Shaggy, dude! We're like, Mystery Inc, man!
[The dog, Scooby, barks]
Shaggy: And that's like, Scoob, man!
[A montage plays of the six going on adventures and solving mysteries, while happy montage music plays]
[The six are now on a beach under the stars now, there's no campfire, and they're all starting to fall asleep, Bill sees a strange looking comet streak through the night sky]
Shaggy: Like, goodnight, man!
[The Mystery Inc van's headlights turn on, and Fred gets up to check on it]
Fred: What's the matter with you? We just got you fixe-
[The Mystery Inc van runs over Fred]
Velma: Jinkies!!!
[The remaining five run in all directions, Daphne runs onto the beach and runs parallel to the shore. The van hits her and knocks her into the ocean, dead. Bill turns to see this death. Scooby runs at the van and tries to break into the window to see what's going on, but Bill sees that the van is driving itself.]
Bill: SCOOBY DOO!! RUN!!
[The van rolls down the window and Scooby jumps through, but the window rolls up midjump, cutting Scooby in half. Velma trips on a root and the van sees her. It runs her over.]
[Shaggy shouts from afar]
Shaggy: SCOOBY DOO, WHERE ARE YOU???
[The van drives straight to Shaggy's location and runs him over]
[Bill runs until the sun comes up]
Narrator: Bill then returned to the farm and settled down, starting a family. He had a son named Bob, and Bill's wife, Salmonella, decided to send Bob to her sisters house, who had a son of the same age, named Mick. Bad things happened. Soon, Bob came back home at the age of nine.
[Bill is walking away from a taxi with his son, Bob, Bill is holding a box]
Bill: So how was it?
Bob: Mick killed his brother in the bathtub, dad.
Bill: Oh, right.
Bob: He tried to kill his sister, dad.
Bill: Yeah, yeah, I heard it all on the phone call.
[The two arrive back at home, and Bill places the box on the porch]
Bob: What's in the box, dad?
[Bill opens the box, revealing a small, gerbil like, furball]
Bill: His name is Gizmo, Bill.
Bob: Can we keep him?
Bill: Are you retarded or something?
Bob: Good point.
Bill: Now, there's one rule. You can't give him crack cocaine.
Bob: Ok, that makes sense.
[The next scene is Bob in his room, playing with Gizmo]
Bob: No one understands me, Gizzy
Gizmo: My name is Gizmo
Bob: Holy Guacamole! You can talk, Gimbo?!
Gizmo: It's Gizmo, and yeah I can talk.
[Gizmo pauses for a moment]
Gizmo: But I can't talk for very long.
Bob: Why not?
Gizmo: In order for me to be able to talk, you need to get me some crack cocaine.
Bob: Ok.
[Bob runs off and comes back with crack cocaine]
[Gizmo and Bob consume the crack cocaine]
Gizmo: Now it's time to do some CRAZY stuff! Now I'm going to take over the world!
[Gizmo separates into two fur balls now, and the two consume more crack cocaine. They each split into two and repeat this over and over again]
Bob: Holy Guacamole, Gizwad! You used me!
[The original Gizmo looks at Bob with a look of hatred]
Gizmo: IT'S GIZMO, YOU INCOMPETENT BUFFOON!!!!
[Before the Gizmo Army can attack Bob, Bill busts in with Will's shotgun and blows all the Gimzos straight to hell]
[Covered in blood and crack cocaine, Bob hugs his father and they both cry]
Bob: I'm sorry dad. I really shouldn't have given Gizzard your crack cocaine...
Bill: It's alright, Bob. I'm just glad you didn't do anything that I asked you to any extent and most likely haven't learned your lesson.
Bob: I did my best for you, dad. I'm glad you see it that way.
Bill: Bob, I'm not congratulating you.
Narrator: The next day, Bob went on vacation to his Uncles, his mother's brothers, house in the desert.
[Bob is standing in the desert at night and watching the stars. Suddenly a bright light flashed across the sky, like a UFO. Then a sound played from the sky. GAFFC.]
Bob: I should go check out what that was.
[Bob walks through the desert in the direction of the UFO]
[Now it is daylight and Bob is on the edge of a town, walking past people digging a bunch of holes. A guy digging a hole looks up at Bob]
Guy Digging A Hole: What are you looking at?
Bob: I could ask you the same question.
Guy Digging A Hole: Aw crap. You got me there.
Bob: What's the dealio with the UFO last night?
Guy Digging A Hole: I dunno. I assumed it was cause of them giant worm things.
Bob: What giant worm things?
[Out in the distance a giant worm bursts out of the dunes and flies towards the town]
Guy Digging A Hole: Get in the hole! We was diggin these holes for treasure but now we use em to hide!
[Bob jumps into a hole as the giant worm gets closer and closer]
[Suddenly, the giant worm was split in half by a laser beam as it reached the town. A shadow falls over Bob, and he looks up to see Arnie ShortsEgger]
Bob: Holy Shiznits, it's Arnie ShortsEgger!
Arnie ShortsEgger, I've come from da future to save you, Boob. We're going to Vee It Nom to hunt down an enemy of yours.
Bob: What enemy?
Arnie ShortsEgger: No time to explain. Get to da airplane!
[The two run to a nearby plane that was parked in a nearby hangar. They then fly to Vee It Nom]
[The two land in a jungle and step out of the plane]
Bob: So Vee It Nom is Vietnam!
Arnie ShortsEgger: Shoot up. It's Vee It Nom.
[Suddenly, an alien who looks just like the three from earlier jumps out of a tree and lands in front of the two. His name is Carnivore]
Carnivore: I saw you in the desert, Bob, and you reminded me of the pain that you caused my friends! They just wanted to paint phalli in fields! So I called you to my lair here in Vee It Nom to kick your ass, and Arnie ShortsEgger's too because he called me ugly!
Bob: Shut up.
Carnivore: You will address me as Carnivore the Great.
Bob: I've got a question.
Carnivore: What is it?
Bob: How did they get past the atmosphere and all the water everywhere?
Carnivore: It's a potion.
Bob: Huh?
Carnivore: That's the stupid stuff I came up with on the spot.
Bob: Oh.
Arnie ShortsEgger: Prepare to die, Carnivoore
[Arnie ShortsEgger is holding a gun]
[Lasers shoot out of Carnivore's eyes and melt Arnie ShortsEgger]
Carnivore: Now that's what I call a FRIED EGG!
[Bob looks down at his hand and sees the glass of water he had on the plane. He had only taken a few sips, so the glass is almost full]
[Bob splashes Carnivore with the water]
Carnivore: HAHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHY WHY WHY WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
[Carnivore falls to the ground, dead]
Bob: Well I guess I have to go home now.
Narrator: So, Bob piloted the plane back home, having fulfilled himself on adventure for one life. He settled in a quaint little 1800s re-enactment village where most people believed it was really the 1800s. Bob had a daughter who he creatively named Jerry, after his great-grandmother, Sherry. Jerry lived incredibly sheltered, and was blind. On her thirteenth birthday her life changed forever.
[Jerry is standing outside a house, and JFK walks up to her]
JFK: Hey Jerry! I need some, err, medicine! Can you get me some?
Jerry: Sure! Thanks for not boring me to death and getting right to the point!
JFK: Yeah! Jerry, its over the hill on the other side of town.
[Jerry walks through town and gets to the hill, a small hill, which has a lot of small holes dug into it by animals. Jerry starts walking up, and trips on a hole and rolls down the hill]
[By the time Jerry gets up the hill, it's the next morning]
Jerry: Holy Guacamole! I can see again!
[Jerry looks around and sees a car]
Jerry: WHAT THE-
[Jerry is interrupted by a Creepy Guy behind her, sitting in his car, idling on the road next to Jerry]
Creepy Guy: Hey little girl! Wanna get in my car so I can drive you back to civilization?
Jerry: Sure!
Creepy Guy: Just get in the car! I got music!
[Jerry gets in the car and Creepy Guy starts to drive down the highway]
[Creepy Guy turns the radio on]
Creepy Guy: Oh the radio ain't so good, huh. I got some tapes!
Jerry: Ok. I don't know anything that you are saying since I grew up in a 1800s re-enactment town, as you told me.
Creepy Guy: You can't just steal a plot from a movie.
[The music tape that Creepy Guy put in stops working, making an odd noise]
Jerry: That's a scary noise.
Creepy Guy: Wanna see something REALLY scary?
[Jerry opened her door and jumped out of the car into the ditch, suffering minor injuries]
[Jerry climbs out of the ditch as the car speeds away, and walks away]
[Jerry is now at an abandoned movie theater]
Jerry: Hello? Anybody here?
[There is no answer, so Jerry continues into the theater. As she glances up at the board announcing what movies where playing, a puzzled look comes onto her face. Jerry continues into the theater. It's empty, but there's a movie beginning in each theater room. Jerry looks into all four rooms and sees that they're all playing The Last Airbender movie. Jerry runs out, screaming. When she gets back outside into a field, she hears a voice behind her]
Stuart Little: What's wrong?
[Jerry turns to the little rat]
Jerry: ARE YOU A TALKING RAT???
Stuart Little: Why certainly I am!
[Jerry stomps on Stuart Little and runs away]
[It's now later on, and Jerry is at a populated movie theater. She is now leaving a theater room with Scared Shrekless playing, she's watched other movies as well. The movie is over. A guy in the lobby recognizes her from the nearby 1800s village and briefs her on society, convientiently. As she leaves the theater she finds an abandoned theme park. She walks around for a bit, until she sees a girl wearing red, who looks just like her. This girl is Yrrej]
Yrrej: Hey Jerry! I am Yrrej!
Jerry: Who are you?
Yrrej: I'm Ynnej, a clone of you!
Jerry: What's a clone?
Yrrej: You're not very smart, huh? I guess I'll just tell you my plan right now. I'm going to kill you and take your place.
[Jerry punches Yrrej in the throat, killing her. Jerry then burns the amusement park to the ground. The Grudge then appears for no reason]
The Grudge: Hey Jerry! Good job burning this place to the ground! I was made aware of this place by seeing MY clone and I was going to do the same as you!
[Jerry screams and runs away, eventually coming across a house, which she breaks into through the window. When she gets into the living room, the phone is ringing. Jerry picks it up]
Jerry: Hello?
Voice: Hello, who is this?
Jerry: The person who lives here.
Voice: What number is this?
Jerry: I dont know, you entered the number?
Voice: I don't know.
Jerry: You aren't very smart, are you mister?
Voice: Do I?
Jerry: Well I'm busy. See you later.
[Jerry hangs up, but the phone rings again]
Jerry: Hello?
Voice: I'm sorry, I guess I dialed the wrong number.
Jerry: Yeah, you did. It's getting kind of annoying now.
Voice: To apologize.
Jerry: You could have just left it at hanging up, you know.
Voice: Wait, wait, don't hang up.
Jerry: Boohoo budd-
Voice: I want to talk to you for a second.
[Jerry hangs up again, but the phone rings a short while afterwards. She hesitates, but answers]
Jerry: Hello?
Voice: Why don't you want to talk to me?
Jerry: I don't know. This isn't my house anyways.
Voice: You tell me your name, I'll tell you mine.
Jerry: You go first.
Voice: What's that noise?
Jerry: What's that noise? That's a weird name.
Voice: You making popcorn?
Jerry: Not at the moment. Do you want me to make some?
Voice: I only eat popcorn at the movies.
Jerry: Ok, why do you want me to make popcorn then? Are you coming over to watch a movie or something?
Voice: Really, what?
Jerry: I'm not watching one.
Voice: You like scary movies?
Jerry: I'm in one.
Voice: What's your favorite scary movie?
Jerry: I haven't really seen very many.
Voice: You have to have a favorite, what comes to mind?
Jerry: Psycho. That's a missed opportunity.
Voice: Yeah.
Jerry: What's yours?
Voice: Guess.
Jerry: Curious George?
Voice: Is that the one where the guy had knives for fingers?
Jerry: What?
Voice: Freddy, that's right! I liked that movie, it was scary.
Jerry: What are you talking about?
Voice: So, you got a boyfriend?
Jerry: Huh?
Voice: Maybe. Do you have a boyfriend?
Jerry: No.
Voice: You never told me your name.
Jerry: Why do you want to know my name?
Voice: I wanna know so I can look you up and see if your car warranty is up.
[Jerry threw the phone across the room and ran out of the house.]
[As the sun came up the following day, Jenny stumbled upon a terrible scene. A man in a crummy Scream costume was hunched over the corpse of Indiana Jones. The Ark of The Covenant stood a few feet away]
Scream Guy: WHAT?
Jerry: I'm sorry to bother you.
Scream Guy: SHUT UP!! YOU'RE NEXT, LITTLE GIRL!
Jerry: What's in this box?
Scream Guy: DON'T OPEN IT!!
[Jerry opens the box, and immediately turns away, seeing a quarter in the grass, while Scream Guy is staring at the open box.]
Narrator: Me, Bill, Bob, Jerry, and all the other characters all lived happily after. After Jerry's defeat of the Scream Guy, she went and got a job at Jurassic Park, where, they finally got it right and it worked this time.
[The credits begin to roll]
Cast, in order of appearance
Brian played by Brian Griffin. Derick played by Fred Figglehorn. Young Sarah played by Natalie Portman. Shannon played by Jim Carrey. Young Will played by Jonesy. Young Audrey II played by Toby Mcguire. Adult Sarah played by Steve Carrel. Adult Audrey II played by James Rolfe. Adult Will played by Yoda Puppet. Sherry played by Ben Affleck. Young Jack/Mike Jack Nicholson. Samantha played by Natalie Portman. Voice in the wall as himself. News Reporter played by Barry B Benson. Narrator played by Morgan Freeman. Phone Guy played by Scott Cawthon. Adult Bonnie played by Mark Hamil. Kid Bonnie played by Mark Hamil (CGI). Bonnie's Mother played by Nightmare Chica. Extras at school played by Gary Stewart, William Afton, Mary Sue. Step Father played by Shaq. Teen Bonnie played by Mark Hamil (CGI). Principal Rogers played by Fred Rogers. Freddy Fazbear as himself. Foxy played by Blackbeard. Chica played by Ryan Renolds. Golden Freddy played by Ben Stiller. Slenderman played by Marshall Mathers. Captain Howdy played by Jack Black. Leprechaun played by Lucky The Leprechaun. Big Cheddar played by Biggie Cheese. Lil Testies played by Robert Downy Jr.. Voice of John played by Brian Griffin. Sheril played by Meg Griffin. Young Bill played by John Lithgow. Mailman played by Al Yankovic. Alan played by Gary Chandling. Trent played by Shrek. Grayman played by Donkey. Bruce Willis played by BRUCE WILLIS. Split played by M Night Shyamalan. Annoying Orange played by himself. Pear played by himself. Jeff The Killer played by Will Smith. Squidward played by Danny Devito. Fred played by Golden Freddy. Daphne played by Jerry Seinfeld. Velma played by Spongebob Squarepants. Shaggy played by Ice Cube. Scooby Doo played by Scrappy Doo. The Mystery Inc Van played by Optimus Prime. Salmonella played by Patrick Star. Bob played by Bruce Willis. Gizmo played by Annoying Orange. Guy Digging A Hole played by Bruce Willis. Arnie ShortsEgger played by Arnold Schwartzenegger. Carnivore played by Adam Sandler. Jerry played by Minecraft Steve. JFK played by Ossie Davis. Creepy Guy played by Freddy Kreuger. Stuart Little played by Mickey Mouse. Convenient Guy played by Matpat. Yrrej played by Steven Occupations. The Grudge played by Willem Dafoe. Voice played by James Earl Jones. Scream Guy played by T.J Miller.
Don't tell disney.
Written by Bloom
Content is available under CC BY-SA
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