FreddyTakesAShit.exe
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NSFW WARNING
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I used to be normal. Normal like any one of you. Not knowing the truth of this world. But I have to spread his word, even if everyone else won't believe me. So here goes...
I was an intern at Freddy Fazbear's Pizza, and I worked there for 3 years. One of the restaurant's best arcade games was one obviously based on Freddy and his merry band of furries. Hooray for nepotism! After a day of work, I heard from my friends that one of the employees tried to play the game after hours. He was found dead. Anyway, I left my job and got a better, more well paying one.
Everything was peaceful until I got a knock at the door. I found a box at my doorstep. The note was from "Jerry". Jerry, yeah, he was one of my workmates back when I was at Freddy's. I forgot to mention that, did I? Fuck. Anyway, there was a note attached to the box. I ripped open the box. There was a disc inside, and with it there was a note. The note said:
"Dear Jack,
I can't take it. You have to destroy this disc. I mean it, Jack! Don't play it! DESTROY. THE. DAMN. DISC. It might seem like a rare physical copy of Freddy's Adventure since the company closed down but-"
A RARE PHYSICAL COPY OF FREDDY'S ADVENTURE?! Sign me the fuck up! I popped the thing into my PC. Immediately a new folder popped up. Inside that folder was only one thing, an executable file. Wowee! An executable file from a sketchy disc! I'm sure nothing strange will happen from then on forward.
The 32-bit bear popped up with his many friends on the title screen, but instead of "insert token to play" the text below said "press enter to play". "Hmm," I thought. "That must be a glitch." I pressed enter and for 0.87 seconds the screen changed. Bonnie, Chica and Foxy were gone. But Freddy was still there. His jovial smile stretched out to an inhuman grin with rotting yellow teeth. His eyes were pitch black, and glowing red pupils dotted the void that was once sclera. From his eyes dripped BLOOD. The BLOOD flowed down his face realistically, too realistic for any arcade game at that time! Maybe one could even say it was hyper-realistic. Come to think of it, his fur was textured more hyper-realistic. And the date changed from 1994 to 666. "It's obviously a palette glitch", I said to myself.
Then came the screen where I got to select my character. In the game you could select one of the 4 main crew members, but Freddy was missing and I could only choose Chica. "That's obviously some kind of bug!" I shouted out loud. "Jack, shut the fuck up and do something worthwhile to society!" my father said. "FUCK YOU DAD! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!" "You're 35, son! You should get another job!" Anyway, I pressed Chica, and the game froze for about 4.2069 seconds, that is, until a digitized version of Bowser's laugh from Hotel Mario played.
The level started as "Fields". Usually the levels had alliterative, witty names but no. "Fields". This had to be some beta version of the game. The level was filled with lovely forest animals as Chica went through and platformed across the plains. Even back in 1994 the graphics were top-notch. Wait, they weren't, and the animals certainly weren't corpses strewn about the grasslands, staining the fields with BLOOD! Hyper-realistic BLOOD, I might add. I was so scared, I was about to shit myself. Chica was scared too, her face filling more and more with dread as each corpse crossed her path. The music was a creepy music box tune. Anyway, I saw Freddy at the end of the level. Chica smiled and slowly walked up to him. As she walked closer to the bear, static started playing louder and louder. Freddy turned his head 180 degrees around like a demon, and lunged at Chica as a hellish screech emitted from my PC.
"Wanna play hide and seek?" said a digitized voice. "Don't be chicken..."
The level changed. The once peaceful fields were on fire, and the background noise was nothing but screaming. Chica was crying as she ran desperately for cover. I found my way up some cliffs to a plane. Finally, some means of escape! As Chica ran towards the plane, some tense music played, slowly increasing in tempo and speed as Freddy chased her on all fours like an animal. When he caught her, she stumbled over and started crying. Freddy lurched behind her and pushed her into the fires below, a hyper-realistic scream echoing from the speakers. He leaped into the fires, carried her out, and vored her.
"Yum yum, rotisserie chicken" said the voice as hyper-realistic flesh-ripping and bone-cracking played. It ended with Freddy shitting out his recent meal, a few feathers still protruding from the feces.
I was thrown back into the character select screen again, with Chica returned to her spot, all burnt and flesh melting off her skull. Having curiosity get the best of me, I clicked Foxy. The same digitized Bowser laugh rung through my ears.
Foxy's level was called "Nowhere to Run", and it took place at what seemed to be a factory. Black clouds contrasted across a red sky, red like BLOOD! The fox had a determined look on his face, ready to face whatever Freddy had become. Then all of a sudden static interrupted the screen and the factory floors and walls were covered in BLOOD. As Foxy walked through the level, footsteps got closer and closer. At the end, the fox stopped, as the footsteps grew in volume until Freddy was right behind him.
"LoOKs LikE YOu'vE BeEn oUtFoxEd!"
Foxy tried to slash at Freddy with his hook, the bear seamlessly dodging each attempt at his life. Eventually, Foxy grew tired and Freddy teleported behind him, pushing him into a field of electric wires as the poor creature was electrocuted to death as another hyper-realistic scream played. Freddy dragged Foxy's corpse out, and vored it. Once again, after finishing his meal, he shat it out, a hook gleaming from the shitpile. "Fried fox is an acquired taste," he muttered, and then turned at me.
"So many lives to play with. So many that come to a grizzly end. Wouldn't you agree, Jack?"
Holy shit. HOLY FUCKING SHIT! The game knew my name! How could this be? It's not as if you can program games to look into your computer and find your name in the files, it couldn't be! This had to be a glitch!
I had to take a nap afterwards, because I felt I needed an intermission. In my nap, I saw Foxy and Chica, tortured and bolted to rocky, crumbling walls. Right before me was Freddy, he was hyper realistic and his hands and feet were covered in BLOOD. A couple of employees were busy talking above him. "We need to kill this thing or the company will go under!" one said. "WE CAN'T KILL IT, MAN!" the other employee explained, "IT'S A BEASTLY VERSION OF OUR OWN MASCOT!" "Whatever, dude, we can seal it away using the Fazbear brand black magic protocol." They chanted something in Pig Latin, and the beast that resembled Freddy Fazbear was sucked into the disc. I looked back down and Freddy was getting closer. "They couldn't play with me, so they sent me into a game. This game is one we're gonna play forever," he said inching towards me.
"Not so fast!" said a booming voice from above. "God?" I asked. "What? No, it's me Markiplier!" Markiplier crashed down into the earth and gave me a pep talk. "This place isn't even real. It's not even a part of the game! This is a dream, and in a dream you can do whatever you want!" "NO! NO!" Freddy screamed. I then turned him into an onion. "Haha, later loser!" I said as I flew away with my newly acquired jetpack. As I rocketed to the clouds, I heard a white speck shout "CURSE YOU MARKIPLIER THE MARKIPUS!!!"
I then woke up. I went back to the game. Foxy was unselectable, and was nothing but a frizzed, charred shell of his former self. Knowing there was one level left, I clicked Bonnie. Same Hotel Mario laugh, same start, same BLOOD, same creepy music. At this point I realized that I had grown numb to it all, because it's become routine for this creepy shit to happen that it isn't creepy anymore. Anyway, Bonnie ended up bumping into Freddy, and Freddy looked at Bonnie. "I've always wanted to try rabbit stew," he cackled, before throwing him into quicksand and grabbing the corpse out, voring it, shitting it out, and once again I was at the selection screen. Bonnie was a sand-filled, drooping body and I couldn't select anyone. Then for 21.8675309 seconds the game locked on an image.
The image was of Freddy's hyper-realistic mug covering the screen, BLOOD staining his rotten teeth and his fur being hyper-realistic. Text faded onto the screen saying "I SHIT MYSELF."
Really.
"I shit myself?"
Wow. I couldn't tell if you shit yourself, judging by the NUMEROUS FUCKING TIMES YOU DID THAT ALREADY! Wow, how observant of you Freddy Fuckbear! I took the disc out of the PC and smashed it with a hammer! But it was too late. For behind me was a Freddy plush with hyper-realistic BLOOD coming from its eyes, and it smelled like shit.
I threw it in the trash.
A skeleton then popped out from the trashcan and jumpscared me.
Best game I've ever played.
Credited to JustSomeWeirdBloke
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