Gone, Out, Depleted
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NSFW WARNING
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I was at home when I started to feel really hungry. I didn't want to go far, and only Walgreen's was close enough. I got in the car and sped to the store like a bat out of hell.
When bats go to hell, they receive special training from Satan that allows them to flap their wings 666,666,666 times per minute, so they're really, really fast and will probably fly behind you and eat you at any moment and turn you into vampires. If you hear a spooky sound, it's a bat, and it's already too late.
I pulled into the parking lot and slammed and locked the door. I ran into Walgreen's and passed the feminine hygiene products, condoms, and lube. I didn't giggle or get a boner at any point during that, I was so hungry. I was hungrier than a skeleton.
Skeletons are just bones. They can't eat. They try to eat and food just hits up against their bones and falls to the floor. Fun fact about bones: skeletons can't get boners because a boner isn't actually a bone. There are no bones in the human penis. Instead, it is made of three expandable blood reservoirs. When a male gets sexually aroused, blood fills these reservoirs and is prevented from leaving. This filling is what causes an erection.
I ran over to the frozen section and a chilling feeling passed through me. You might think it was the ice cream, but it was a spooky chill, like a warning from somewhere telling me of the horror to come. I found the frozen snacks and began looking, frantically scanning the shelves and scratching my head more quickly as my confusion and fear grew. The spooky chill I knew now was definitely not the ice cream. I was so confused by this point I was scratching my head like a chimpanzee with lice.
Most mammals have a baculum (also penis bone, penile bone or OS penis), a bone found in their penis to aid in sexual intercourse. It is absent in humans but present in the chimpanzee, our nearest relative.
My head started bleeding from the scratching. My confusion had turned to fear when I realized what was going on, why I had the spooky cold feeling. I looked down at the empty shelf where the pizza rolls should be. They were gone.
I was so scared. So spooked. I was scared like someone who wanted pizza rolls but suddenly found out they were sold out.
Fun fact about pizza rolls: they're fucking delicious.
I don't know where they went. Maybe they're in another dimension. I don't know. Maybe the hell bats took them back to Satan. That was probably their mission, to bring all the pizza rolls back to him. I think I will kill myself so I can go to hell. Maybe Satan will share one with me. What if he won't? What if hell is Satan eating pizza rolls in front of you, and he will never share?
Oh God, I don't know what to do! Should I kill myself? I can't live in a world without pizza rolls. Maybe I could still smell them in hell. What do you think, stranger? Should I kill myself and go to hell? I don't know, but I know I need pizza rolls like a female chimpanzee in heat needs a hard baculum shoved inside her.
Credited to vewyscawwy
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