Grand Theft Auto III Bootleg Copy
What can I say about Grand Theft Auto that hasn't already been said by everyone else on the internet? I could talk about how great the games are; but then again I don't want to sound like a parrot who repeats everything the internet has to say about GTA. The series originated on the Sony PlayStation with Grand Theft Auto in 1997 followed closely by GTA London and GTA 2. However, it wasn't until GTA 3 was released in 2001 that I believe that the series truly found it's feet. GTA III was able to set the foundation for what a open world game should be. While the first thee GTA games were top down, GTA III was a full on open world with a fully delveloped story unlike any of its predessocrs.
The game was released for the PlayStation 2; and was an immediate success. It kickstarted Rockstar's biggest money maker. A money maker which they continue to exploit even to this day. Sadly, the game wasn't ported to the Xbox until December of 2003. This annoyed me greatly as I did not own a ps2. Oh I wanted a ps2 believe me. Sadly, my uncle Al gave me his Xbox as he didn't know how to use the bloody thing. He was using it as a cutting board for bread. Xbox is no way near as good as ps2 with far less exclusive titles but credit where credit is due it does have a much sicker controller than the ps2 in my humble bumble opinion.
All of my friends meanwhile who owned ps2s were busy playing GTA III. They'd always tease me on the bus to school for not having the game yet. I told them to, "shut the fuck up." I needed GTA III and I needed it fast. I only managed to play a little bit of it at friends' houses, and what little I did play of it I loved. Everyone on my block had GTA III in their possession. Even Colonel Dodo owned it and finished the game 100% in just two weeks. "You suck my boy!" Colonel Dodo laughed as he began beating me up for my lunch money. Someone please turn that damn dodo into a roast dinner or something I beg you!
The news of GTA III getting ported over to the Xbox first became known to me in around August of 2003. Around this time, I had already graduated high school and was working on gaining an internship at Rockstar Studios. Sadly, I failed miserably and was forced to get a job in a smelly factory where the boss Mr Lionel hates me because well I don't even know why to be honest with you. He hates me for no real reason. He also teased me like a Malteser for not playing GTA III yet when everyone else at the factory and their grandmother have played it.
Sorry about that rant peeps; anyways it was around the time of me getting the job at the factory that the news of GTA III getting ported to Xbox became known to me. I was excited to say the very least. For the next three months, I worked harder than ever before so I could save up to buy the game on Xbox as soon as it comes out. Mr Lionel eventually put aside his previous hatred for me and made me a floor manager. What does that job entail I hear you not asking. Well friends my job is to stare at the floor. It's a hard worthy task that can sail a hero's trophy as we face each catastrophe.
Now in early November 2003, Rockstar Studio's official representative Gordon Brown said that a competition would be held for the first copy of GTA III on Xbox. Anyone who wanted the game would put their name onto a piece of paper which then be placed into a hat, and whoever's name was drawn from the hat would be the lucky winner. I decided to fight fire with fire by putting my name into the hat as did the big man himself Mr Parks who owned a rival factory on the far side of town. Luckily the angels seemed to be on my side; as I ended up winning the competition with Brown pulling my name out from the hat which stank of rat piss. So sorry that was horrible. Like serious I'm so sorry.
Three days after the competition, I received my copy of GTA III in the mail. When the postman came to my door he said, "just take it take it for fuck's sake!" He then threw the package at me before running down the streets crying like a little bitch. I took the game into my living room and popped that sucker into my Xbox. Now even though the game was new; it made my Xbox make horrifying sounds. Smoke began to form from the Xbox but I did not care. I won that game fair and square and you bet your ass I was going to play it even if it killed me and my Xbox in the process. I sat down on my sofa and hugged my controller close to my chest as the Rockstar logos appeared.
The game started with Claude taking part in a failed bank robbery with Catalina and Miguel. He is then shot and left for dead by Catalina. Then without warning, the game cut to the part where Claude has to drive 8-Ball over to Luigi Goterelli's club. Weirdly, the pair didn't even bother changing out of their prison clothes. Luigi escorted Claude inside the club and was led into a 1970's disco like area.
Claude was brought to meet with Salvatore Leone who sat at one of the tables on the far side of the room. "So son Luigi here tells me you want to join up with us?" Leone asked before continuing with, "well I tell you what you beat my son Bee Bear in a dance off then you will be a Made Man. Anything you could ever want." Claude was then brought to the dance floor where he met Leone's son. The most disgusting thing I think that I have ever seen and I've seen Shark Tale. It could not have been real. It was a horrifying bee bear hybrid thing. It looked like something you'd see in a nightmare. The creature started dancing and then it started singing to Claude. The voice that came from the hybrid made me quiver and shit out egg shells. "I'm a I'm a bee bear you can call me you can buzz me cause you know I love your honey." The hybrid sang. I got sick. Claude began dancing with the hybrid. I wasn't controlling Claude. He was dancing on his volition and his dancing was horrible. It's the kind of dance that a fat man named Larry does after getting called up to the stage by a Lionel Richie imposter whose breath stinks of kebab meat.
Thankfully, the game cut to show Claude leaving the club as the Mission Passed thing appeared on screen. I made Claude steal a nearby car. The controls of the car my God were they awful! The car would slide violently from left to right as much as I had tried to keep it on the road. Meanwhile, Claude changed from being well Claude to being Richard Fatchurd. Fatchurd was too big for the car and ended up making it collapse over to the one side. I eventually decided that I had enough and I decided to take the first mission for Joey Leone. I could have gone back to Luigi's club and taken the next mission for him; but the thought of that bee bear hybrid thing still being there was enough to keep me away for the time being I assure you.
The mission was called, "Love Is Always On Time," and it started with Joey Leone ordering Fatchurd to bring his lover Commodore Hudgins to see him. I made my way to the train station where Hudgins was waiting for me. I couldn't see him however and had Fatchurd drive all the way back to Joey's garage where the commodore had gotten to on his own without Fatchurd's help. He didn't seem to mind however. "Hey kid would you mind giving me lover a lift?" Joey asked as Fatchurd responded with, "can do Boss." Hudgins got into the car with Fatchurd as we began making our way to the Portland Docks. During the car ride, Hudgins began touching up Fatchurd's ice cream before saying, "you are a real sea dog Fatchurd." The commodore laughed heavily as Fatchurd put his head out of the window in an attempt to escape. The car ended up crashing into a brick wall and exploding.
The game then cut to black. It came back to show Mission Passed once again appearing on screen. I was also back to playing as Claude. Okay pardon my French but what the fuck was that!? That was... that was... well I don't even know what that was! Thankfully, the next few missions for Joey went by normally until I reached the mission; "Ciparini's Chauffeur." I was nearly sick again when I saw that Claude was going to be chauffeuring for the bee bear hybrid thing. "I love honey in my tummy you can call me anytime anywhere." The bee bear sang in it's nasty voice. I switched the Xbox off before turning it back on again. I had enough of doing the story missions anyway now was the time to mess around in GTA.
I had a look online for some cheats but couldn't find anything for the Xbox version. I eventually gained the courage to complete Joey's mission with the bee bear and eventually completed all of his and Luigi's missions. I was even able to complete Tony Ciparini's missions who was thankfully no longer replaced by the bee bear. I got to the point in the game where you move to Staunton Island after Salvatore Leone betrays you in order to make peace with the Colombian Cartel.
In Staunton, I began working for Kenji Kasen head of the Liberty City Yakuza along with business mogul and corrupt politician Donald Love. Claude was eventually ordered by Love to eliminate Kasen in order to kickstart a gang war between the Cartel and the Yakuza. However unlike in the base game, Claude was unable to kill Kenji and died while trying to run him over. Kasen and his men then proceeded to storm the Love Media Building killing Donald Love in the process.
Now playing the game as Kenji, I took a mission from Ray Machkowsi who had a zipper on his forehead. "What's that shining on your head?"" Kenji's assistant Fiddler sang as Machkowsi replied with, "I got something that might interest ya!" He then began unzipping his forehead as a large green alien appeared from it. It had a giraffe like neck with some sort of device attached to it. It was incredibly tall standing at nearly 8 foot, had beady black eyes, a baby like face, and huge claws which could tear through skin like a knife through butter. "We are the Slitheen." 'Machkowsi' said as he killed Kasen and Fiddler with one fatale swoop from his claws. Suddenly, a space ship appeared above Liberty City and crashed into the Love Media Building before falling into the ocean.
The game then cut to show that Liberty City had been taken over by the Slitheen who had turned the city into their own concreate parking lot just like Nitrous Oxide had advised them to do. Salvatore Leone meanwhile was killed and converted into a skin suit as was all of his top guys. Then of all the sudden a real stupid looking animated squirrel came on the screen and said, "and now here's something you'll really enjoy!" It looked so fucking stupid I wanted it to die in a fire like some kind of Freddy Krueger! I'm so sorry dear reader I haven't had my Weetabix yet sorry.
Suddenly the apple loving fatso himself appeared on screen. It was Mr Parks holding an apple because of course he fucking was. Apples are the only thing he can eat after all. That's really sad as Aunt May would say. Anyways, Mr Parks appeared on screen and said, "face it son this game was never meant to be played by you. Rockstar gave you a troll game because they hate you." "Rockstar hate me?" I asked as Mr Parks replied with, "why do you think they passed you over as an intern in favour of me?" "You got the intern job?" I asked as Mr Parks' face got extra close to the screen. It was like a boiled potato talking to me. "It's over son." Mr Parks laughed as he squeezed an apple breaking it into pieces.
If what Mr Parks said was true; then I wanted to sue Rockstar for all they've got. I called up the cops for assistance in the matter and a single policeman showed up at my door. He was incredibly fat and was wearing a large bulky overcoat. "So am I able to sue Rockstar Games or not?" I asked as I sat down in the living room. The police officer made his way in placing his overcoat onto my table. It smelt like fish and chips. Not very good ones either. "Well all I can say is that your game might be useful in a lawsuit against the Rockstar company. I'll need to know how it came into your possession in order to determine if Rockstar is truly playing tricks with you." The police officer explained as he sat down on a chair on the far side of the room. His stomach let out an unpleasant sound. The officer began swaying back and forth on the chair he was sitting on as if he was trying to hold in a fart. Uh things were starting to get a little too awkward for my taste as the police officer wouldn't say anything so I offered to make him a cup of Joe just so I could get out of that damn room.
While in the kitchen, I could hear the police officer getting up from the chair. He asked some general questions about the bootleg to which I responded with, "what do I know about bootleg games? No offense Officer." "That's what worries me. You see games like this are classified as trouble. Anyone who plays them is also trouble, and that's my job: eliminating trouble." The police officer finished as I turned around to face him. He removed his police cap revealing a large zipper on his forehead. "Good lord!" I cried at the top of my lungs as the police officer began unzipping his forehead just like Machkowsi did in the game. The officer's skin dropped to the floor as the bee bear hybrid stood on top of it. "I'm a bee bear you can call me you can buzz me...." The hybrid sang as I cried, "no!"
I huddled into a corner of the kitchen as the bee bear glared down at me with it's soulless eyes. "Don't hurt me." I said quietly when all of the sudden the bee bear hybrid was whacked over the head with a shovel. The hybrid was then hit several more times with the same shovel. The man holding said shovel then proceeded to throw the hybrid into a Tesco carrier bag which he then dumped outside. What a man.
The man then revealed himself to be none other than Mr Lionel. "Come on son let's go sue Rockstar!" Mr Lionel proclaimed happily as we made our way back into the living room. I couldn't believe what I saw! Dijon the smelly dog was shown stealing my bootleg so I couldn't use it to testify against Rockstar. "Sorry Merlock I'll be going now." Dijon said as he began running down the streets at an immense speed. Also his legs were huge due to his trousers being stuffed with Lionel's retirement fund money. Lionel and I began chasing Dijon down the road as I yelled, "come back here you smelly dog!" "Oh no you won't catch me!" Dijon laughed as we continued chasing him. "Someone stop those pants!" I cried as the chase for Dijon went on and on and on.
In fact, I'm still chasing Dijon to this very day. It's been almost 17 years since the GTA bootleg copy fiasco; and we still haven' been able to catch Dijon. Well I haven't been able to catch him as Mr Lionel has long since passed away. He actually died on the first day of the chase. His old body was never built for running especially not for 17 years straight. Maybe one day I'll catch Dijon but until then I still have some lingering questions. Who made the bootleg? Who or what was the bee bear hybrid? Did Rockstar create the hybrid and send it to kill me so I wouldn't be able to press charges against them? Did Rockstar even make the bootleg? Did Dijon work for Rockstar which is why he took the bootleg back from me? I still don't know the answers to any of these questions and I doubt I ever will. So sad.
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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