Gumby in Space (Lost Episode)
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This is a fictional joke story written by Schizima. Don't take it seriously.
Clay is like the mind. It can be molded, melded, put into any shape or form. It's strange to say I remember being a boy and watching children's shows, because it was like yesterday. Maybe it very well was yesterday. Are we small examples of a larger idea? Nevermind, listen, I know what you're thinking already. I still remember sitting on my grandmother's couch and watching Gumby. It was a show, as there were many shows, and this is just a piece of something larger.
After my father died, I had been going through some old boxes of pornographic magazines featuring mature women with sagging tits when I found a strange VHS that I'd remembered seeing. Where had I seen it? It was just a still shot of a green gumby head, with no back panel on the other side of the VHS outside of the yellow background. The VHS itself had the words "Six Months Later" typed in a heavy font.
I immediately dusted off the VHS player and put the VHS on. Strange sitar sounding music played before the intro went ahead and on. This was a strange episode. It was titled "The small Planet". If you've never watched Gumby, he's a green piece of clay. His friend is an orange clay horse. After the intro song played, ending with "if you have a heart, then gumby's a part of you", a shot of Gumby immediately travelling into space was show. The stop motion Claymation was once a classic artifact of my childhood, but here everything was sicker. "We can't survive in space, Gumby". Pokey's voice was much higher pitched, though it made sense because my voice was higher pitched and childlike when I last watched this program.
They were on a space ship, immediately leaving home. "We're going to find a new planet, where no one can tell us what to do." Gumby said. Indeed, they were running away from home on some martian saucer. Gumby's eyes looked a little more round than usual, his body a mere fragmented piece of clay that was turning more rigidly. "But space is endless, Gumby." Pokey the horse said. "If we were to travel a single lightyear and do the same to come home, all of our friends and family would be dead by the time we returned. We have to go back Gumby-" "No." Gumby said, steering the ship violently. They were supposed to land on Mars, it seemed, but the ship broke through it, sending a boy on a train flying off into the cosmos. "We're not going home." Gumby said. "But we can't survive without oxygen." "We're clay." Gumby said. "Clay doesn't breathe..." the ship continued off into the far reaches of space.
The scene went on for five minutes, with no music or talking. Gumby diligently steered the ship as it went faster and faster, hurtling through space before the engine gave out, and then it drifted like a tin can across a starless sky that seemed to go on forever.
Some time had passed. After some time had passed, Gumby began to miss his mother and father. He remembered a vague figment of Pokey and he on a swing set, around a barn, in their sunny Earth home. "I want to go home, Gumby." Pokey said. "We can't." Gumby said. "We're clay scientists of the mind, and we must press forward, because remember, there is no past or present, only cells decay, and we have no cells, or flesh..." Pokey the horse stopped, taking off his space helmet after fifteen minutes. "You're aging...Gumby." He said. The camera zoomed softly into his face where stubble was beginning to collect. "What is that?" Gumby said. His body started to undulate and he reached down to his stomach. "I'm- I'm naked." Gumby said. "I was always naked, and I feel cold."
"You're alive." Pokey said. "My God, you're alive. You have veins, capillaries, and blood vessels, and your eyes are..." Gumby started to cry. "I'm...blind." He said. "I was always blind, but now I know that I'm blind. Someone help me." He cried. He fumbled in the background, picking up an old rotary dial telephone and calling 911 as the camera zoomed.
"It's not plugged in Gumby. There's a cord that leads to other phones across power lines. No cord, no reception." I now noticed a lot of things that would normally be in living rooms such as lamps and furniture were in the central cockpit of the ship, which seemed much narrower and cluttered now. Gumby stumbles around blind before Pokey tries to hold him up. "Let's go home, Pokey." Gumby said. "I had enough lets go home!" After about thirty seconds of dead air, you see Gumby attached to an iron lung. This was a long cylinder where only Gumby's head was capable of poking out. "I couldn't salvage your head, but see, there's two of us, isn't that nice." Gumby sighed rather loudly.
"I feel less alone, yes, but I know what happened to you." The screen sort of faded to show that Pokey was a mop and bucket with some orange sheets on top. Gumby sighed, and there was a single point of sound that chimed like someone had turned a radio on. "How can someone, surrounded by billions of people and animals, feel so alone..."
A shot of the ship exterior was shown now, and it was banged up terribly. Initially it looked like the designers had suspended it with a string, but now it seemed to be floating in actual space. It looked more aluminum than clay, and Gumby's lonesome head peered through the porthole window from a distance. I felt as though I was drugged, or I had just woken from some bad dream to enter a worse reality. Gumby pried the iron lung open from the inside. He had physical organs that looked like fish guts and some weird pink punch drink slurried together with rotted up, soggy newspaper. He clothed himself with the orange rag and peered out the window. A weird narration started as an odd black orb was shown.
"They call this star the dead star. Outside of Earth, it's the only star in the known universe. Initially we left home under a noble premise, to secure food and resources for the clay population. But now it's clear that whoever designed this place had no intention of giving us enough oxygen to last the return trip. But there would be no return trip, as those we know and love are already dead. I understand now what the figure is, it's not exclusive to this, or us. Through thick and thin, our species has strove on valiantly, battling poverty, war, hardship, disease. But now it's clear as day that all was vanity, I'm as much here as I was twenty years ago, but I see-" ... "No." He said. "I can't see at all."
His eyes had turned completely white and glossy like a cauterized wound. "My name is Gumby. I'm 14 years old. I like ice cream, baseball and fountain soda. When I grow up, I want to be an astronaut." He was holding the rotary dial phone. The simulacra stopped moving, but the VHS continued to play. The stars began to arrange with points of light, like a mass of threads. A bright light appeared, hitting the sun in full force. It cast over the side of Mars, the dusted planet. A massive, planet sized crab rested on the dark side, not moving, but watching, clipping its claws. Its eyes began to glow as the crumpled tin can drifted across the sky.
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