How to Write Creepypasta
Author's note: This Trollpasta was written late one night and was never really intended to be shown to anyone but a few close friends. However, after reviewing the story I decided it should be published after all. In other words, this story will feature inside jokes and references that many of you may not understand. And while I could've edited these out and/or explained them, I decided it would be more appropriate to the "spirit" of Trollpasta to keep the story in all it's stupid, improperly spelled and unedited glory. Enjoy.
Intro
How do I write a Creepypasta? This very question has been asked and pondered sense... well sense Creepypastas came into existence probably. How should I know? And while I don't know the origins of this admirable question, I do have the answer. So sit back (actually don't do that, this chair isn't a nice chair to sit back in) while I expose to you the secrets of writing the best Creepypastas.
Step 1: Choosing a Subject
This is perphaps the easiest of all the steps. All you have to do is bring up an event from your dark and troubled past. Examples include a childhood game that gave you nightmares, a secret episode of a tv show that you and only you happened to see, past suicide attempts and the events that caused them, that one time you walked in on your parents having sex, that one time you ate at Taco Johns, or anything that scared you and made you the person you are today. (Original Author Note: Let it be known that way back in like 2015, I had a pretty transphobic joke here. Needless to say, people change, and some things you do online age about as well as Sonic.exe) But what's that you say, you don't have a dark and troubled past? Well that's odd... most of us do. Well than you can always pretend to have a dark and troubled past! The easiest way to make it seem like you do is to mention the fact that you played horror games all your life, or to bring up your self-diagonised depression! (Boom, two online communities mocked in one paragraph. I am on a roll.) You can pick any event, but it's best to pick the ones that make you look super edgy. Also, if the event took place a long time ago keep that in mind, as you'll need a way to bring it into the modern day. So for my example, I would talk about the most tramatic experience of my entire life. Playing Crazy Golf. (I still have the nightmares. And the scars.)
Step 2: Becoming as Edgy as Possible
Now this next step is a bit more debatable. Some would argue that this step isn't needed, and some would even argue you should avoid this like the plague, or the Church of Scientology. However, in my opinion you need to this step otherwise people will take you seriously. I briefly went over this earlier, but now I'd like to list a few more steps to being edgy. First of all, always wear black. This will show people the inner working of your soul, as well as make you as hot as Rick Jame's Crack Cocaine Pipe (look it up) whenever the temperture goes above 70 degrees. But this will all be worth it because everyone will known that you're edgy. Secondly, listen to death metal. When listening, make sure to turn the volume as high as possible, so as to become deaf by age 20. Also, make sure to wear band merch (See, I know modern termanology kids! No can I join you're click? It'll be off the hizz-house!) constantly so that everyone will have to be forced to know that you listen to death metal. But most importantly, never shut up about how inspirational it is, and how it is far superior to mainstream music in every way. This will gain you massive respect by everyone, and will without a doubt not annoy anyone. Trust me. Finally, always wear long sleeves, and act like you cut. People respect people who don't respect themselves. But don't actually do it, because then you'll be in serious medical conditions from time to time. (Ok though, all joking aside, if you do cut, please get both mental and medical help. That's a serious problem, and you need to deal with it. Please. Also, buttcheeks. Sorry, I needed to clear the suddenly serious air there. More buttcheeks.) Once you do all of this, you'll be the most edgy kid at school/adult at work. Your edgy status will allow you to pull more dark, cliche emotions into your story.
Step 3: Writing a Conclusion
Alright, now that all the background work is done, we can finally start the story. The conclusion is what we're going to start with, because along with being edgy af, we're also a hipster (if you want to play life on hardmode and/or want to go for the trifecta, you can also be a weeaboo. *Author's Note: Weeaboo is a term that defines someone who watches WAY to much Anime, is seriously obsessed with Japan and Japanesse culture, and tries very hard to act like a Japanesse person. They are not to be confused with a Otaku, which is just someone who watchs a ton of Anime. Also, the author would like to extend a personally "I hate you" to the internet for causing him to know these two words and what they mean.) and need to start in the least mainstream way. So we're of course going to start with the ending. But to write and ending, we must first write three other things. A intro, rising action, and a climax. I will now take you through the steps detailing how to do these.
Step 4: Writing an Intro
Writing an intro is very easy. but what sometimes trips people up is that different types of Creepypasta have different Intros. So I will briefly go through some of the different story type's intros and give an example.
Lost Episode Creepypastas: These Creepypastas are required by law (or at least the law in Cleveland Ohio) to start with one of two things: A random, fake fact about a show; or a memoir about the show and how you'd watch it as a kid. You should then go on to discuss your continued devotion to the show or your constant internet searching for episodes. At this point you should then talk about how you just so happened to find a lost episode late one night and decided to watch it. Ex: As a kid, my favorite cartoon was Shawn the Sheep. Everyday I'd sit with my head between my legs screaming. And when I wasn't doing that, or at the Psychiatric Ward, I'd watch Shawn the Sheep. I loved his antics at the barnyard, and that one time he did an ad for the Nintendo 3DS. (Look it up if you want to.) To this day, whenever I have free time between my sociopathic rampages and jail, I search on the internet for Shawn the Sheep episodes. That all stopped the night I found an never before seen Shawn the Sheep episode while scrolling through MySpace. Episode 666: Shawn the Sheep #360NoScopesHimself. What follows is a recollection of said episode.
Haunted Game Creepypastas: These have perhaps the easiest of all intros to write. All you have to do is begin by talking about a game you loved as a kid, then talk about how you wanted to replay the game but lost your copy. After this talk about a trip to GameStop or a shady corner of the internet to purchase a new copy, which you got for dirt cheap and/or outright free. Ex: As a kid, my favorite game was Shawn the Sheep for the Sega Saturn. Everyday I'd sit with my hands secure in my mouth sobbing. And when I wasn't doint that, or assualting anyone who doesn't play the Sega Saturn with my hero Segata Sanshiro (may he rest in peace), I was playing Shawn the Sheep. I loved playing through his barnyard antics, and that one part where you're forced to cut of your leg so that Shawty the Sheep can use it in a blood ritual. But one day Segata Sanshiro saw me playing the game and took it from me, seeing as how it was a bootleg game. But Segata Sanshiro was merciful, and after breaking the game he only whipped me fifty times (what a nice man!) However, with Segata Sanshiro now dead from the missle launched by Nintendo and/or Sony, I thought it was my time to play the game again. So I went to GameStop and asked the man behind the counter if they had anymore copies of the Bootleg game Shawn the Sheep for the Sega Saturn. He told me that I was lucky, and that the game had been a platnium seller lately., but there was still one copy left. He then gave it to me for five Chucky Cheese's tokens and a lock of Segata Sanshiro's brow hair. I hurried home, excited to play my new/old game.
Generic Tramatic Childhood Experiences Creepypastas: These are the ones with the most deviation in how you choose to write them. My standard model though is to talk about how innocent of a child you we're (with examples) then briefly foreshadowing what changed this. However, if your story doesn't work with this than you'll have to do something very difficult:use creativity. But for the sake of this example lets say it does. Ex: Growing up I was a pretty normal kid. I'd run around the yard, go to friends homes, walk on my ceiling, play catch, feast on the souls of the innocents as I watch them plead for mercy that they would never get, and watch Shawn the Sheep. But that all changed the day I met my cousin's biological brother: George Michael "Randy Quaid" Stockington the Third, Emperor of China.
And there you have it! Three different examples on how to start a Creepypasta (or as the kids call them, a "Pasta".) While there are some Creepypastas that don't start these ways, you can certaintly use elements of these methods to start you on you're way.
Step 5: Writing the Rising Action
So you have a intro, but now what? Now you must channel your inner J.K. Rowlings and write some rising action! I want go into as much detail on this part because they're is a lot of different ways of going about this, but I will give you lots of tips. For starters, make sure to never realize that something is out of the ordinary until half-way through the story. This will make you look like you were high during the entire thing, which will only serve to make you seem more edgy. Also, make sure that the Rising Action is very quick. This isn't some 90s Sitcom about a young girl inspiring a nation to love again darn it, THIS IS WAR! You should probably start with something subtile, like blood everywhere. But by paragraph three, at least one person should have died. Also, make sure to use Capslock AS FREQUENTLY AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE. This will show you audience that you're an expert in the English Language and are more than capable of accuratly expresing your thoughts and emotions. And speaking of emotions, don't have any except for scared. This will show people that you're life is devoid of meaning and perpous, and that everyday is a constant up-hill struggle that you feel like your slowly lossing and are unsure how you'll be able to continue the next day. Also, it will clearly show your story is scary, because even the main character is scared of the plot! Speaking of plot, ditch it! A true Creepypasta writer knows that plot is meaningless, and has no problem with not following it and having dozens of holes in it. The more contrived and confusing the better! Speaking of better, you can make any scary thing better by making it hyper realistic! Whether it's blood, eyes, fur, or the two for one special at Dominos, it can be made Ten-Thousand times scarier by having it be hyper realistic. And that's all the tips I have for writing the rising action. I hope they help you in this crucial step!
Step 6: Wield A Fist of Iron
After Sergei is crushed under the door (may he rest in peace), fight your way to the garage where Reznov obtains a Blowtorch to open the armory. You must then cover your comrade as he performs this task. Once he is done you can go inside the armory to aquire the Death Machine and complete this step.
Step 7: Writing a Climax
By far writing a climax is the least important step in writng a Creepypasta. Climaxes are small parts of the story with no real impact on it. Reguardless, we must write them, for it is our duty as Creepypasta writers. And if we do not write, we shall not survive the punishment of our master and ruler Dennis Quaid. So yeah, the climax. How do we write one? Well unlike the last two parts this one has a very standard model that works for any kind of Pasta. Just confront the entity that was behind all of the events leading up to this, and kick his butt. Or run away and hope you don't die or recieve a plushy. Whichever you prefer. The other commonly used Climax is to reach a starting revalation as to who caused the events, but to be unable to confront it. The last variety of climax is where the author reaches the climax of the game he's playing or the episode he's watching. So yeah, the Climax really is that simple.
Step 8: Take a Gyro Break
Look, you've been working very hard for the last five minutes writing a Creepypasta. And I'm sure Master Quaid won't mind if one of his slaves takes a break to have a bite to eat. Now there are plenty of different food choices to make, but a Gyro is the best one here because they are quick and portible to eat while still providing plenty of nutrition and sustinence. Also, they're really good. Like seriously, why is this the only food that lets me eat Lamb? (Granted I usually go with Beef when given the option, but Lamb is very good too.) And what is that freaking condiment that comes in it? It's white with green pieces in it and it's so delicious. I want to know what it is and how to make it. Maybe I'll check if Cooking Mama has the recipe for Gyros. Then again, Cooking Mama's recipies are kinda vague. Reguardless of the Cooking Mama's recipe quality though, you're going to want to eat one. It'll invigorate you with the energy of the Greeks! And do you know what that energy is capable of? I'll tell you what! Collapsing an entire countries economy! Sure, it was their own economy, but whatever. (Can I get a high five for this out-dated joke?) Reguardless of the econony being collapsed though, it's a lot of energy. Enough energy to write and entire Creepypasta. Come to think of it, why isn't this step one? Yeah, if you're reading this and have not started the process yet, do this one first. Just make sure to prononce it right. It's YEE-RO, not GEE-RO. If you do it wrong I'll kill you. Probably not though. But I'll glare at you for a while, and give you like a minute worth of the silent treatment. And you don't want that now do you? Well to make a long explanation short, this would be a great time for a Gyro. Go out and do it. (Also, pro-tip: Don't write about Gyro's at 2:57 AM. You get the munchies.)
Step 9: Who Would Win in a fight? Randy Quaid vs. Rick James
So this question came to me today. Who would win in a fight? Randy Quaid or Rick James? Personally I would have to lean towards Rick James. Sure, Radny Quaid is great at fleeing from the United States, but Rick James once kidnapped a twenty something or other, forced her to do sexual acts, then burned her with a Crack Cocaine Pipe after a week long cocaine binge. And that takes balls. Evil, sadistic balls, but balls none the less. I guess you can say he really was a super freak! (AH! HAHAHAHA!)
Step 10: The Conclusion Revisited
Now that we are finally done with the intro, rising action, and climax, we can do the hipster thing and start with the conclusion. The conclusion is also super easy, because all you have to do is say something like this: So ends my story. Some of you out there may not believe that it's true, but you'd be wrong. And after that experience, I am no longer interested in the series or hobby involved with what happened. Now I know what you're thinking. "It's not that easy! You're justing coping out because it's 3:08 AM and you're super tired and want to go to sleep." But honestly guys, it's that easy. Trust me.
Step 11: Oh No! You're being arrested for impersonating someone edgy!
What tends to happen with these stories is that some smart and clever douche (who probably gratuated from Harvard as the Valid Victorian) happens to find your tale and analyizes it for a month to reach the shocking conclusion that not only is it fake, but your also not that edgy! What will happen is he will call the police on you who will try their hardest to immediatly arrest you. Your only hope is to head for a far off place that is only fabled to exist in myths and legends of the past: Canada. If you get there find a man named Randy Quaid. He's planning a revoultion against the evil Dennis Quaid who rules over the entrire world through the Iluminnati. He is the man that forces us to write these Creepypastas. Why? I don't know. He's probably just messed up in the head. I mean he did star in Your's, Mine, and Our's. And if that doesn't set off a red flag, I don't know what does. You want to know who else starred in that movie? Drake Bell. And guess what he does now. He leads a elite squad in Randy Quaid's army. You thought I was going to say something bad didn't you? Well I didn't. See, I've just taught you a great life lesson. Don't judge a book by the fact that they starred in Your's, Mine, and Our's. Except for Dennis Quaid. You can judge him for it. My point is, join Randy Quaid's rebellion. The sooner you do, the sooner I can stop writing Creepypasta's for Dennis Quaid. Seriously, next week he's having me write another Sonic.exe sequel. And trust me, you don't want to live in a world with two Sonic.exe sequels. So hurry up and defeat him. While your at in, why not recruit Rick James? He'd be pretty useful, what with his Crack Cocaine Pipe and the what not.
Step 12: Thanks for Reading this!
I can't believe you read all the way throught this. You must of beenas bored as I was when I spent two and a half hours writing this. All in one sitting too. Isn't that impressive? Anyways, thanks for reading all the way through. Sure you didn't gain anything from doing it, but neither did I! Well I'm going to end this and go to bed now. It's 3:24 AM, and I have to be up at 7:45 AM.
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