I work with NSYNC's final form and a sentient file folder, this is my story
This is a fictional joke story written by mysticaltater. Don't take it seriously.
"Hi, thank you for calling EGLO, we make balls how can I help you?"
I'm a twelve-year-old boy at heart and hearing my coworker (and best friend) Trent answer the phone like so every 10 minutes always makes me snicker.
"That sounded exhausting," I said after he finished talking. I took a sip of my bubble tea (the only thing we're allowed to drink at work. Not water, only bubble tea) and peeped over the side of the cubicle wall.
"Yeah, people act like the world is gonna end if they don't get their balls. I don't get it."
Each member of NSYNC tumbled through the door in a fluster. "Sorry we're late!" they said. "Got lost in the void again."
"Henlo Smoothie!" I waved after they merged. Why they decide to travel as a pack and not as (1) singular ageless skinny blond dude with spiked hair is beyond me. But no, they decide to turn their little Impala into a clown car.
"You're late," came a rather snobbish sounding British voice. "You're supposed to be selling balls. Because of you, Kira has no orders to put in. Look at her, just sitting there doing nothing."
"I'm standing, sir," I mumbled at the file folder lying on the ground.
Smoothie cleared his throat and stepped around Files and made his way to his desk. My friend Raisin sneezed. "BLESS YOU!" Trent yelled.
"Back to work!" Files sneered as he fluttered back to his office. I sat back down and waited for orders to come from Smoothie and Trent. After the gong rang and blood leaked from the ceiling, we all knew what time it was. Lunch time! Every employee walked in a line and said their prayers and sacrificed goats to the god of Eggs before heading down to get our ration of food--balled melons, thicc meatballs, and a large scoop of play doh.
Trent and I sat by Smoothie, who just blankly stared at his iPhone while we showed each other memes on Instagram. "Dude, is your phone dead or something?" Trent asked.
"I just need something to let me easily ignore people. It's not like the clay tablets I used to have. These things are supposed to, you know," he booped the dark screen, "do stuff."
"Wow gee thanks for ignoring us," I said.
Smoothie shrugged. "You know I don't have any use for this except for when some client calls me at 2am to bitch about something."
"Invasion of privacy," Trent said over a mouthful of melon. "Booty call, if you will."
I yeeted a lump of play doh at Smoothie. "Just block them. Delete your entire phone. Like I said, assert your dominance by staring at people while actively ignoring them. Bonus points if you do it in your band form."
"Dude... Stop... it's too early to be so horrifying."
"It's 2pm," Trent reminded him. The lights flickered and turned red.
"ALERT ALERT" came over the loudspeakers "THIS IS A TORNADO DRILL EVERYONE GO OUTSIDE" We all ran outside as someone dressed in a tornado costume spun around ominously.
"YOU'RE ALL DEAD!" Files yelled from his spot directly below our feet. "Just as I want. Next time, the tornado will be real. Go inside everyone or you're all fired!"
Raisin almost stepped on Files as he hurried back inside. "I don't know why we stick around when Files is such a dick," Trent said.
"I know why," I replied. "Money."
Smoothie's eyes flickered. I swear his third eye almost opened. He swallowed hard and cleared his throat. "We, uh, could do something. I could do something."
"I was gonna say, I have the strength of a flea but yeah you totally could."
Trent looked at me like I had turned into a giant golden dragon with three heads. "Kira, our boss is literally a piece of paper, and you think the demigod is the only one who can stop him?"
"Paper's heavy," I said as I headed back inside.
Smoothie separated and five men followed Trent and I indoors. NSYNC all chose to sit cross legged in their cubicle, voices talking in unison as they answered clients' questions about different balls.
"Kira!" Trent exclaimed, peering over into my cubicle. "Did you get that email from HR?"
"HR's dead. Oh that HR? No...." I clicked around and saw the news. That night, we were to have a ritualistic fire sacrifice to appease the goddess Tanzy.
"I'll bring the booze," my supervisor who was actually a large slice of pizza exclaimed.
"You're bringing strawberry daquiri right?" Raisin asked.
"Are you sure alcohol is a good idea?" Trent asked. "We're in the presence of a demigod, don't give him that power."
Said demigod was currently still in his NSYNC form, looking like five normal men. Not like his final form didn't look like a normal man but sometimes his third eye opened and that was kinda... odd. Anyway, the rest of the day went as normal and it was time to head out to the forest for the sacrifice.
"They're gonna choose Smoothie, I just know it," Trent told me. "He's almost at his most powerful, but not powerful enough. And he threatened Files." He handed Smoothie, who was merged once more, a burger. "Just in case."
"NO!!!" I shrieked. "They can't. I won't allow it." Not like my opinion mattered when the elders chose the sacrifice at all whatsoever.
Smoothie laughed nervously. "I'm sure it'll be fine."
My pizza boss shoved a bottle of beer into Smoothie's hand, "Drink up, kiddo!" It was a rough day selling balls and with the fear of being sacrificed I couldn't blame him for chugging four beers in the course of 2 minutes. He started glowing a little bit.
"When my band was famous we played ALL the venues," slurred Smoothie after he was thoroughly wasted like cheese at the bottom of a baked macaroni dish. "We were fuckin famous. I'm tellin ya."
"Dude," someone whose name I didn't know said. "Everyone knows you're NSYNC."
"Maybe, just maybe, I'm not talking about NSYNC."
"Alright, come on," I said grabbing his arm. His arm popped off and an NSYNC member grew from it. "Gosh darn it I unmerged you again." NSYNC laughed in unison but merged again.
"I'd like to see any of you mortals do that!"
"Don't play the 'you mortals' card again. Your final form is a basic white boy," Trent said.
"Wow," Smoothie mumbled, chugging more beer. He belched and sparks flew out of his mouth. "Scuze me."
"And he's a Power Rangers monster now."
"I can't believe you called me a monster. Mom! Kira called me a monster."
"You don't even have a mom," Trent said. "Pepperoni, why did you give him all of that?" My boss was too busy drinking her own adult beverages to care.
After more drunken shenanigans, the elders decided it was time for the ceremony to begin.
We all stood in a circle around this platform with a statue of the goddess Tanzy on top of it. A pedestal was next to the statue and there was a bug on top of it, lengthening itself. Each of us placed a ball on top of the altar.
"And now, the Choosing Ceremony must begin!" yelled the elder. Files laughed maniacally behind him. The bug inched around the circle, lengthening at Smoothie, whose eyes widened. "The Bog has chosen!"
"His brain is thiccer than a milkshake, can't Bog have chosen someone better?" Trent asked.
"For real," I said. I didn't want to lose my second favorite coworker to the goddess Tanzy.
A giant fire in the form of a tarantula arose from the ground, lapping at the altar. "Smoothie, Demigod of Boy Bands, come forth!" a thunderous voice boomed from the depths.
He took a deep breath. "No." His arm turned into a guitar made of blue and white-hot flames. "I have a better sacrifice for you." His third eye opened and Files began levitating. Papers spilled out of him as he shrieked, paper clips falling down his sweater vest he was wearing for some reason. Smoothie telekinetically yeeted Files onto the altar, shooting him with is guitar flames.
Since he was paper, Files burned immediately, nothing but ash on Tanzy's altar. But his British screams of agony were enough to satiate her for the year.
All that to say, just a regular day at EGLO the ball factory. If you ever need some balls, you know who to call. Now excuse me while I stop writing on my phone and try to get five drunk band members into my car. Trent help.
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