I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for r/shittynosleep

NSFW WARNING This page is not safe for work or school. The content of this story is not suitable for some audiences, and may be inappropriate to view in some situations. ...Or in all situations, at any time, any place, and by any audience for that matter.

Hey guys. I'm new to this sub. All the stories here are riddled with spelling and grammar errors. I guess that adds to the "shittiness" of the story.

Well, I'm not here to do that. I'm here to tell you what really happened that night, the week after my 22nd birthday.

You see... I'm a prostitute. I never chose this life because I thought I was the president. But then I found out that "president" and "prostitute" are different words, and only one person can be president, and apparently it's not me.

My spewky story begins a few nights ago, when I met my first client. He pulled his Cadillac over to my side of the road and rolled down his windows.

"Hey, slut. You wanna get fucked tonight?"

At this time I had not yet learned that president and prostitute were different words, so I assumed that he was Putin inviting me to a summit. I wasn't surprised by his rough language. Putin doesn't beat around the bush.

I was extremely honored, so I said yes and got in the passenger seat.

Then he unzipped his pants.

And then I saw it.

His dick.

It was...

haunted.

It was very large and erect, so I knew there was a ghost growing inside it. I never would've known that if it weren't for this sub. This sub is the reason I know how dicks can get haunted, and the only way to deal with the ghost is to suck out the spewpy ghost ectoplasm and spit it.

He slapped me because I didn't swallow.

...but why would he do that?

...wait a minute...

...he would only do that if the ghost has already taken control of his brain and he wants me to swallow his ectoplasm so I can be his ghost slave.

I was #2spook and thought I would be ghost. After slapping me around a bit, he gave me some pieces of paper and told me to get the fuck out.

Thank you, /r/shittynosleep. Thank you for telling me what to do with a haunted dick. If it weren't for you guys, well...

JK I SWALLOWED IT BOO

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