Intern At IGN

I was an intern at the IGN review office (because interns are the only job to exist in the creepypasta universe). I was expecting something new, exciting and overall a good work environment. Well, I got none of that. What I did get was a few fat, sweaty, Mcdonalds-consuming, parent's-basement-living, middle-aged, nerdy fucks, trying to eat half of a cheese Dorito of their shirt while either writing bad fan-fiction or shitty reviews. I also got a company who would give Superman 64 a 10/10, saying the characters were profound and the story-line was excellent and vivid. Huh, go figure. It definitely wasn't what I expected, and it was something I grew to question.

DAY ONE

The first day was pretty normal around the office. 'Ride To Hell: Retribution' was the game some loser named More Onic Duech was reviewing. Told me about it during lunch break, said he gave it a 9/10. I said, "What the fuck. That game fucking blows, dude." With a nose clogged with snot and food crumbs he replied, "Oh no, nothing like that. You must of gotten a faulty copy. The developers said they'd give me a Snickers bar if I reviewed it. So I did. Just happened to be really good." "Pfft. Yeah right More, you fucking money-grabbing ass."

DAY TWO

The next day, shit started to get a bit off axis. More Duech was gone. So then there was only me and two others; Deak Ryder and Sheat Foace, two more sad saps. "What's up guys," I announced when I walked in. "Nothing. Why do you wanna know?" "Woah. That time of the month, huh Deak?" I took a seat and the boss, Assk Issa, came up to my desk. "Oh, hey." "Hello." "Your the intern right?" "Yeah...." "Think you can do a review for us?" "Uh, yeah, sure." "Cool, cool. So the game is that new Super Smash Bros crap." "Oh, uh, okay." "Yeah, yeah. Nintendo have been dicks to us recently so make sure to really bash that game, okay? 1/10 kinda shit, cool?" "What? Why?" "I told you why. Now you're our intern so I need that done by tomorrow and make sure not to question shit again. Otherwise, you can fuck off right now. Just like More Duech."

DAY THREE

Day two turned out to screw with my mind a little. But, as I had no other options I made the game look like an absolute turd stain. Giving it a 1/10 as told. And that's why everyone fucking hates IGN's reviews. Especially what Assk had said about More Duech. Something wasn't right. "Hey intern. Wait, what's your name, sorry forgot it." "Oh, it's Ian Turn." "Oh, good, good. Got that review done right?" "Yeah but, do you think this is okay, though? Putting this kind of shit on our site. None of it's true, it's just getting back at Nintendo." "Well guess what, Ian, I don't give one dirty little shit. Nintendo are fucking cunts. and unless they start paying me some respect, their game can go burn in a fire. You, got that? Giving you one more chance. Don't question how we work again." Something is so fucked up.

DAY FOUR

So the plot had just got thicker after the third day working at the most fucked up review company in the world. Worse of all, I knew I was going to have to do another fucking review. And, as a true gamer, I struggled to make loads of bullshit about good games. "Hey, Ian. Yeah, got another review and Deak and Sheat are busy so I'm giving you another one. Seeing as you did such a good job on Super Crap Bros, I thought you'd do good with Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare. Activision also gave us 5 grand, so make this game look like gold, okay?" "Uh, not okay. How 'bout I do a truthful review on the game, and if it's good it's good, if it isn't good like all of the other shitty games in the franchise then it can get a 1/10." "How about fucking no, Ian. Now do the fucking review asshole, and do it like I told you to."

DAY FIVE

I decided to do it my own way, the way it should be done. By playing the game and criticizing it properly. Finally, I gave it a 6/10. It wasn't a complete waste of human effort and attention like Ghosts, but it wasn't the next Half-Life either, it was a bit above average. That is it. "Yeah, hey boss. Got that review done, did you see it?" Assk remained silent. "The honest fuck, Ian." "What boss? Don't like it? Yeah, probably not, but that's the truthful review. So deal with it." "You putrid, little, fucking demon spawn. Do you know what you've done?" "Yeah, made the world a better place." "No. That was IGN's first truthful and honest fucking review you stupid idiot." "So, what?" "So, everyone in the gaming industry is gonna be up our asses asking why it's so fucking truthful." "To bad, how sad, boss." "Guess what, Ian." "Hmm?" "Your fired."

DAY SIX

Now that I've been fired, I decided I needed to expose IGN for what it is. A dirty, corporate joke that gives out reviews based on how other's treat them. And, I decided to do this in the best way I can; a creepypasta. Because everyone loves those. "And publish. Thank god for that." "Sure hope it gets a lot of comments. Well gee! There's the first one!"

You stupid fucking retard. Good going asshole. Now I have to finish this creepypasta like every other creepypasta ever written. -Signed Assk Issa

"Aw, fuck. That wasn't a very kind comment. Oh well, TIME TO WRITE ANOTHER ONE!"

DAY SEVEN

So, there I was. Taking a peaceful and casual dump, or as I like to call it; "Dropping a Nagasaki!" I was happy with the way things had turned out, the creepypasta, titled "Everything You Thought About IGN Is Pretty Much True." had already gotten over 3 comments! Including the 'not very kind' one. But, as I was "Dropping a Nagasaki!" Someone appeared in my bathroom. Because, after all this is a cliche, generic and poorly-written creepypasta, am I right? The 'someone' was....Assk Issa. "There you are you shit-biscuit. I've seen what you did, dropping all of that shit." "Hey man call it a Nagasaki alright." "No, wait what? I mean the shit about IGN on the internet. The creepypasta you wrote." "Oh, right. I, uh, totally knew that. Oh, what about it?" "Well it is a creepypasta. So, of course you have to die." "Oh, fuck, that's right. Totally forgot about that part. Well hurry up, I have to die, but still be able to magically write and publish the creepypasta." Then, Assk Issa pulled a katana from thin air and killed me, what a dick! Anyways, hope this shit-fest of a creepypasta creeped you out and stuff. I'm dead by the way, but, uh, in ghost form wrote this, yeah lets go with that.

THE END

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