Jak 4: Death Edition

Jak & Daxter. A title that I'm sure will bring back memories in many of you. What a series, right? Those platformers were kickass back in the PS2 days and they still hold up today. I still have flashbacks to that damn fish mission, but overall the games hold a special place in the hearts of many people, including myself.

Except... why were there only 3 Jak games? You might think that was the plan all along, but bear with me here - I found out that there were 4 Jak games planned at first. I couldn't figure out why they didn't release the last game, so I took a trip to Sony to figure it all out.

When I got there, the door was made of a giant Walkman. Dunno why, it looked kinda tacky. Actually there were a lot of Walkmans in there. Some of them big, some of them normal-sized. Some of them had eyes. Some of them had eyebrows and were looking at me funny. I think I knew that one Walkman before, he was a funny guy. That other Walkman was a dick to me at a bar one time and spilled my Fiji water. That Walkman murdered my entire family including me. Hey, why are all these Walkmans who I know from before all here at Sony?

Well I didn't really care to get to the bottom of old rivalries, so I just walked on past 'em without even blinking, but my knees were weak, palms are sweaty, there's vomit on his sweater already. When I got to the end of the corridor I met my best friend's uncle who works at Sony. He handed me a copy of Jak 4: Death Edition Beta. But before I could leave, I tripped over, impaled my forehead on a spike and got knocked unconscious briefly.

After I came to, in front of me was a cassette tape. The label was written in Japanese and had a picture of some stupid Greek bust on it. I knew what to do. I grabbed the cassette tape, got on my flying bottle of Fiji water, and flew home. Then I stuck the tape in my Game Boy player and listened to it. It was some old Diana Ross songs slowed down and looped by a four-year-old or something. Whatever, I still had my copy of Jak 4 so I put it in my computer and ripped the ISO.

I opened my PS2 emulator and booted up the game. The Naughty Dog title card played, but Jak and Daxter didn't have eyes. Well, they had eyes, but they were textured black. Whatever, that happens on the first Jak game if you play it in an emulator so who cares? I started playing the game and immediately clipped through a piece of terrain and fell to my death. Jak's hyper-realistic carcass was shown and Daxter was laughing satanically as the PS2 invalid disc error (the red screen) popped up in the background and the screams of the damned emanated from my computer. That's when I realised that the reason they never released Jak 4 was because it was an unplayable buggy piece of shit and they couldn't be bothered fixing it, so I quit the emulator and never played the game again. Then I deleted the ISO a while later because it was taking up a lot of disc space (666 GB) and I accidentally threw out the disc with the rubbish one time. And nothing of value was lost.

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