Motor Toon 2.exe

Well, you'd think after my experiences with the first Motor Toon Grand Prix game, I'd stop playing this kind of shit. You're wrong as an intern at Polyphony Digital. It so happened that I, Bob McGenericson, had owned a copy of the sequel. Well, at least outside the US it was. You see, MTGP was a JP-only game, and the first title never made it to America, so we got its sequel game MTGP 2, but over here it was called the first's name.

Why did I play it?

Because I thought "What could possibly go the fuck wrong?"

The game

I put he disc in the PlayStation, but at first I noticed the letters "CTS" scratched on the disc. Musta been a glitch, as I had been messing with my girlfriend's "Crash Team School" copy for the Atari 6660. I pushed power and viewed the Sony Computer Entertainment logo, the PS logo, and the Poly's logo, but for a split second, it had a blood red tint and a split second of static in the background, until the intro started up. "Yo! Here's what's happening! Us toons are waiting for you! There's a whole lot of fun, and exciting surprises, like secret characters! It's all starting, so get it together forrrr..............

MOTOR TOON GRAND KILLING SPREE!

Man, that was terrifying, but the character introductions went without change, thankfully. The main menu screen was normal, but apparently,it had been some time since I unlocked everything. I chose Grand Prix and slended, I mean selected the Penguin Bros., my regulars. They had supreme handling skills, and I got jiggy with that shit.

Toon Island II

I have no goddamn idea why they kept tha' title, but hey, time constraints. I was in 7th for a portion of the time, and scored many Power Up items, boosting my performance up to roughly 45% more than it usually did. I remember Vanity bumping me in the back, and she suddenly kept firing a stash of Missiles at me, but it triggered a glitch and teleported me to 1st place! However, the results screen was nothing to cheer about. The words, "Blood for Lust" flashed onscreen, with sickening yellow quarantine font.

Toon Village

Toon Village was unlike anything I remembered of it. Blood covering the buildings, hands, arms, legs, eyes, rotted and rooted out of, well, everything. The reason I didn't just commit Squidward's Suicide was that it reminded me of the White Desert of Yume Nikki, my favorite area. I got second. GODDAMMIT WHY

Crazy Coaster

The. FUCKING. Sky. Was. A. LSD ACID TRIP. The road was made of a weird, green, fleshy, organic substance, and wormholes posed an obstacle, and I witnessed Bolbox get sucked into one. I never saw him again, and further proof was that a blue marker on the mini-map vanished. The results screen didn't acknowledge him either, and instead a symbol replaced him, in the same quarantine yellow.

Haunted Castle

There was nothing. No Gulliver House II, nothing for this either. Just a void with the words "GAME OVER, BOB".

BUT WHO THE FUK WAZ PHON??????

Or so I thought. The credits played, but the characters each looked terrifying in some demented manner. Captain Rock had his head chopped in two, Raptor and Raptor stabbed on the eyes, Princess Jean bloated to disgusting amounts, masturbating, Bolbox in a scrap heap, the Penguin Bros. had bulletholes in their stomachs, Vanity on a stretcher, disheveled, Billy the Tough nailed to a cross.

Think I'm forgetting someone?

Ching Tong Shang said, in a low-pitched voice, "I WASSA CHEATED, I LOST MY FUCKING CHOW MEIN!! YOU WILL BE THE TEST SUBJECT!!"

I was pissed! I hated experiments! I shut the damn game off and ran to Wal-Mart to buy some Tai Pei chow mein.

The end.

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