Robin and The 420th Pennsylvania Gyration Regiment.
Prologue: Shovels
Yesterday someday morning, robin awoke to the sounds of anaerobic leg gyrations. He rose out of his bed to find his byoutiful daughter, Morgan, practicing her usual labor positions while supplicating herself to the great Hero King Marth. Robin was pleased to see his tacticianspawn in such high spirits on a day like Monday. His wife was another story. Lucina (yes this is canon) sat, curled in a fetal position, mumbling about some monster who appeared to her last night. "Lucina, my wife, daughter, sister, distant cousin," Robin cooed, "who or what has tied your loins about your feet? Was it that cur Aegima and her rapscallious band of Colombian fingertip scientists? Or did Shulk take his shirt off again? Lucina tell me, or my finger will rocket itself into your navel."
"Daddy, please!" Morgan shouted. "Can't you see mother is need of some tender love and miscarriage? "
"As much as I can see that you are no negro. If it pleases you so much, I'll plant my saliva on her forehead. Chrom did it to her as a suckling." Lucina looked up at Robin, eyes filled with want and disgust. "You just lick your hand like so." Robin let his tongue dance across his right palm. "Then you vigorously rub your wet hand on her frontal lobe."
"Father, please." Lucina begged. Just then, Chrom, utilizing the amazing power of instant transmission and misplaced commas, shreked his way on top of Robin's neck. He paused and stared hard at Robin's discombobulated expression. Chrom was not amused.
"I SUPPOSE THIS IS WHY SUMIA WANTED YOU TWO TO BE IN OUR TENT." Chrom was going to give Robin a piece of his hair. "I only wanted to find out what was making your daughter so distraught." Lucina screamed, "It was the shovel!" "The shovel? Girl, what euphoria have you been going through? Shovels are not sentient beings. Robin, what have you been doing to my child?"
Morgan gleefully responded, "He puts these funny pills into mother's glass of water every night. They give her happy dreams"
"Father I am serious! It was an ugly beast with shovel like appendages for fingers! It looked like an old hairy Pergian with wrinkled skin. It got up on our bed and stared right into my eyes. It then took off towards the window and booty clapped into the night."
"And I should believe this why?" Chrom retorted. "Because i had such an experience as well." Sumia strutted her way into the tent. "The same exact entity appeared to me 3.14159 nights ago."
"She's right, Chrom. " Robin chimed " There are legends about this entity. Apparently it prefers to roam the northeastern United states scouring the various allahu snackbars for the source of all happiness."
"What might this source be?"
"Nutter Butters."
"What?" Chrom asked.
Robin: "President Obama banned nutter butters, insinuating that they were responsible for the rapidly increasing obesity rates in African Americans. That man takes care of his people."
Chrom: "But not the ra- er, The Shovel."
Robin: "No he did. The Shovel was once known as The Rake, but Barack confronted him in the Pocono Summit. Their meeting resulted in one of the most epic and climactic battles of American history."
Chrom: "Truly? You aren't hogging me?"
Robin: "No. I do not remember the details of the story, but what I do remember are the fruitages. With the forested regions of the northern United States free from the Rake, the denizens feared an influx of citymen into their beloved treelands. In order to quell the rising tensions, Barack issued a new type of Immigration reform to culminate a group of handpicked latinos. These choicest chicanos would come to form the illustrious Gyration Regiments. Their goal? To save the forests from evil deterioration. The greatest group of them all was the 420th Pennsylvania Gyration Regiment. Using their over developed quads, they kicked any scrub attempting to immigrate across the Mason-Dixon line and the whole tri-state area."
"If this monster resides in the magical Eagleland, then why it haunting my daughter?"
Hearing her father's words, Lucina thought hard about her 3spoopy5me encounter. Then she remembered, the symbol on the right section of the shovel's mandible. It was a triangle with boxes of Shrek merchandise encircling a jug of Aunt Jemima's syrup. "It was Aegima... Father."
"Aegima, who is Aegima? " Morgan asked.
"She's a horrible woman who was Chrom's long lost 22nd daughter. She was disowned by him after she attempted to inject apple juice concentrate into his arms. Legend has it that she found a rip in the dimensions, and slipped away in shame. I think she goes by the name Lil Kim now."
Morgan retorted "But that don't explain why she so strong. So shaddap and stop talking because you aren't helping."
Lucina drew her sword and her head rocketed from her shoulders. It levitated towards Morgan. "What did mother say about talking back, Morgan?"
"That only deaf people can talk back?"
"Are you deaf?"
"No mom?"
"Hmm. Is that so?" Lucina stared at Morgan. Suddenly, Morgan's mind was flooded with images of an elderly black man talking of the cosmos. He brought a young blonde who smiled too spoopy 4 Morgan. She raised her pointer finger and put a finger puppet of Morgan's mother on it. She pulled out a hyper-realistic black marker and wrote on the palm of her hand in the most hyper - realistic way, "Primal Yoncé will be born amongst the fall of chicken legs. You will be the chicken legs." Morgan fell unconscious, her eyes wide open, mouth agape.
"Oh Gods Lucina what did you do!?" Sumia yelled.
"Oh it's fine. She does this to her every Tuesday or so. Morgan will be awake in the next 34 seconds."
Unfortunately a whole 3 weeks passed, and she was still in the same condition as before! Only difference was that she was on her bed now, with her mother at her side.
Chrom walked in, worried about his daughter.
"Father. I don't know what's wrong with her. I didn't do anything to her!"
"Well then," Chrom poked his face like a platypus. "Why is she wasted?"
"I don't know!" Lucina cried.
"Oh fine Lucina. We will set forth for Butzville tomorrow morning." .
Chapter 1: Sammy's Coming of Age
The night before for the departure... Robin undulates himself to his own bed and finds... A lone cup of water.
"Furfect." He drops 3 HAPPY HAPPY pills into the drink, and they quickly dissolve. He crawls under the bed sheets and shakes his legs in anticipation of the incoming lulzfest.
About 0.0003 * 10^-5 seconds later, Lucina walks straight into the bedroom. "I see he's still asleep." Thought Lucina. Robin was actually wide awake, licking his front teeth with great vigor. Lucina proceeded to gulp the cup of water down, falling asleep quickly afterwards.
Robin shot his head out from under the seats. It was time.
He ran into the barracks and hustled for a full uncooked chicken. Upon finding it, he ran barefoot back to his tent and shoved Lucina's head into the open cavity at the bottom of the chicken's pelvis. He pulled various spices from his fanny pack, including the seasoning of the gods, Adobo, sprinkled them onto the chicken, and began to slowly massage the spices into the chicken. This Jump Started Lucina's mind, causing her to dream. These are the contents of Lucina's dreams:
Fire. The flames raged across the country. Everything was burning, homes , harbors.There were people spazzing out on the ground... She was confronted by one of them. As he approached, Lucina realized that she recognized his face. It was Robin. It wasn't long until she found the source of his tears, for their daughter lie motionless on the ground. She was still unconscious. Just then, a voice boomed from the heavens. "WHEN WILL YOU LEARN!?" Lucina looked up and saw YouTube's chosen one. "THAT YOUR ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES?!" SammyClassicSonicFan landed on his feet with a resounding thump. Using the connections in his heart, he summoned Beyoncé to the scene. Beyoncé's Curaga completely recuperated Lucina and Robin, but Morgan still lay asleep in death. "Large, Dark-skinned woman," Lucina called out, "I thank you deeply for saving us, but please, save our daughter." Beyoncé's face grew hot with anger and using the brown orb on Sammy's wrist, she underwent primal reversion and became Primal Yoncé. The only Dual Fairy/Dark type in existence. "That spawn of yours can rot while sucking on chicken bones. I AIN'T BRINGIN BACK NO WALKING PLANKS TO DIS LIFE. Modify her surgically and I might consider." Robin sprouted the wings of an eagle. But eagle wings are too small for People so he just trotted to his wife's side. The battle for Morgan's chicken legs had begun.
Lucina drew her falchion and charged at Sammy, but Yoncé pushed her back with a well aimed PK Beam Ω. Robin was about to use elwind when Sammy countered it with PK Flash. Yoncé broke into a sprint at 761 mph and used head smash at Lucina's stomach. A critical hit! With Lucina paralyzed and on the ground, Yoncé readied fissure, But Robin picked her up with his new robin wings and fissure was completely avoided.
Robin gained a sudden great power, and breaking mach 7 speeds, he flew past Barack Obama and charged at Yoncé. She effortlessly dodged, but it was a trap. Lucina used counter and like an American Ninja Warrior, stealthily struck Yoncé with her falchion. Robin also used Brainshock Ω on SammyClassicSonicFan, causing him to rant uncontrollably about his deep love for sanic. Knowing that she had lost, Yoncé used Explosion, but Robin's kush was too dank for dat junk. As Yoncé began to implode, she began to wonder whether or not twerking would've raised her stats, but Sammy's sanic rant distracted her. Lucina proceeded to open her mouth as wide as possible (4 ft. In diameter) and after extending her neck 420 ft., swallowed SammyClassicSonicFan whole like a whale. She also copied his ability, and could now summon sonic, mayro, or even Beyoncé (who Lucina revived) and Nicolas Cage. It was all ogre now.
Chapter 2: The Cages of Destiny
She awoke with the smell chicken in her nose. Everything was dark. In fact, she couldn't see anything. She pulled off the sheets on her head, now she could see! But her head was in the clouds. Literally. Lucina was in the sky, everyone of Chrom's army was. "Father, where are we?"
"We are en route to America. We are letting Sumia's pegasus guide us." It worked great until Leonardo Dicaprio flew by on his rayquaza and shot at them with a hyper MilkBeam. "Come at me scrubs ya'll covered in lactose hyork hyork." He Gawked and flew into the stratosphere. "Oh dear. I believe my horse is lactose-intolerant. We better leave before-" Sumia's horse exploded. Oh no.
They fell for a very long time. When they hit the ground, everyone was okay, except for Lucina. She was flattened by shrek, who quickly teleported back to his swamp once the deed was done. Clifford the Big Red Dog came along to take a tinkle on Lucina, but Robin chased him away with a big yellow foot. "My wife is flattened" Robin lamented.
"But I'm not dead." said Lucina. Chrom and his posees needed to find a doctor fast. "We need to find a doctor fast." Chrom exclaimed.
"I know of something better!" Lucina summoned Nicolas Cage to the scene. Sadly he ran off hopping like an alligator. He had a magical fried chicken drumstick, that would cure any ailment. Even SammyClassicSonicFan could be cured using the magical drumstick. "Im going to find an insane asylum. I will cure the sick and infirmed." Wasn't amazing that he went down the street to an assisted living facility.
Cage was going on like Donkey Kong, whacking old people upside the head with his drumstick. People were getting up out of their wheelchairs, breathing without oxygen tanks, all because of the drumstick. Some even made it a goal to search for God. Cage's spree came to an end when he met a certain old black woman. "Ya'll better not hit me wit dat chicken. Or imma pour boiling hot grits on yo face." Chrom and co. rushed in. "Oh no. Robin..." Lucina whined. Robin looked to see, right in front of him... Madea. The second battle was about to begin.
Chapter 3: Family Ties Matter
Madea was serious. She came out swinging with the holy frying pan, but Robin quickly dodge rolled into a wall. Madea took advantage of this opportunity to attack, but Chrom and Lucina both used their falchions to block Madea's frying pan. Lucina summoned Beyoncé, but for some reason, she couldn't attack. Feeling desperate, Sumia started throwing over ripened tomatoes at Beyoncé's face in order to galvanize her. It didn't work. Madea dropkicked Sumia, causing Chrom to fly into a rage. (Because surprise surprise, Sumia is Chrom's wife) Madea flew past Chrom's head, charged her signature destructo disc, and threw it at Lucina. It went straight through her, but she stood, unscathed. Chrom approached her. "Daughter," he asked, " Weren't you hurt?"
"Oh no, don't worry! I walked away before it touched me. You just were not fast enough to see me do it." Madea opened a spatial Rend, and Winnie the Pee came out of it. Winnie the Peeh was a modified Poo Bear who underwent surgery to increase the length of his appendages. He joined the battle in hopes of obtaining bee syrup. Chrom quickly fell Peeh Bear with his falchion, but dy/dx(50420x) peehs spawned.
"Chrom you fool! We're done for!" Sumia yelled. Nicolas Cage could sense the rising tensions. Therefore he struck Morgan (who Lucina dragged in) with the drumstick. She sat straight up, put her head between her legs, and started singing London Bridge is falling down 34.20 times in 4.20 seconds.
"Morgan you're alive!" Lucina exclaimed. "Go for Tyler Perry's wig!" Morgan yelled. Beyoncé stared directly at Madea. Madea broke into a sweat. Beyoncé quickly primal reverted into primal Yoncé, and let out the iconic victory screech. "Leedle Leedle lee!" Just then, Clifford the big Red dog busted through the wall. He quickly devoured all the remaining pee bears. Aided by rejuvenated elderly persons, Clifford grew his own wings, and lunged at Madea. "Oh lawd Jesus halp." Lucina ran to Clifford to get him to stop, but Cliff was in the zone. Clifford transformed Madea back into Tyler Perry. A group of irate black women proceeded to flog him mercilessly. It was all ogre now.
Chapter 4: 20 Shovels of Scrubolution
"Better drop it like its hot." Snoop Dogg (or lion) was about blaze it, but it was too brick outside for it to blaze.
"Did Madea handle the insurgents?" Vile Aegima (or lil kim) walked in, staring right at Snoop. "Madea was destroyed by Chrom and his army. Dat girl got reked so hard." Aegima wasn't so keen on giving up just yet. She still had the power of the West on her side. Their new child would aid her very well. It was only a matter of time.
Lucina was dissapoint in Clifford's behavior. "Lucina, I helped you. I'm sorry if I went too hard!" Clifford the big red dog begged.
"What trash is this? Dogs don't talk they bark. Shut up you cur before I put you up my nose." Lucina retorted. "Borfk. BORFK." She was done with him. She commanded Nicolas Cage to use the drumstick to transform Clifford into a new pegasus for Sumia, and he did just so, but something went wrong, and Clifford became a young blonde girl. Morgan gasped. It was the same chick that Morgan Freeman was with! Chrom approached him/her. "What is your name?" He Asked.
"Chrom it's me Lissa! Your sister?"
"No you're just a big red dog. You are confused."
"Well it really does look like my aunt." Lucina added. "You know that drumstick cures people, right? So maybe she was a turned into to a dog, and the drumstick turned her back into a person!"
"I guess I can believe that." Chrom admitted. "But when did this pasta turn into a fire emblem fanfic?"
"When I left." A voice called.
"Who wuzat?" Lucina turned her head 720° to look around for the voice. She found the source ... it was the omnipresent omnipotent Peewee Herman.
"Father..." Lucina stood, frozen in fear.
"Get away from her!" Robin and Chrom rushed to Lucina's side(s). Morgan walked casually towards her childhood hero.
"Peewee Herman..." Morgan exclaimed.
"Morgan no!" Lucina yelled. It was too late. Peewee had already used his eyes to absorb Morgan. He swiftly ogreinflated his stomach and floated away. "Morgan..." Lucina fell to the ground and began to weep profusely. "We must find our daughter." Robin said.
"There's no finding," Lissa replied. "She was absorbed."
"But It's not over til I say it's over." Chrom exclaimed. "Come my (wo) men. We will search to the ends of America for my granddaughter."
"Not if I can help it." Leonardo DiCaprio came down from the clouds on his mega rayquaza. His face was covered in milk. "Aegima appointed me to troll you guys as hard as possible. So I'm just gonna follow you guys around and get in the way. Plus, I have an accomplice." Rayquaza flew down straight in front of Chrom. Before Chrom could react, a strange pale faced man with no eyebrows, nose, and eyelids popped his head out of Rayquaza's mouth. It was Jed the Bronykiller.
"Hah!" Lissa yelled. "None of us are bronies, so you can just take a seat on my right clavicle."
Chrom blushed fiercely. "I married a woman who rides on a pegasus all day so..."
Lucina stared at her father.
"Go take a nap." Jed hissed, and charged at Chrom with his pointer finger.
"Father, I won't let this happen to you!" Lucina ran and blocked the malicious pointer finger with her falchion. It was time. She opened her mouth even bigger than last time (22 ft. in diameter) and swirled her neck around a for total length of 1000 ft. After staring her next meal down, Lucina proceeded to swallow Rayquaza, Leonardo Dicaprio, and Jed the Bronykiller in one resounding gulp. By swallowing Rayquaza, Lucina gained the ability to mega evolve. She also developed an intense hatred for horses.
Nicolas Cage was eager to see Lucina mega evolve, so she did. She began to twirl around like a ballerina high on dewritos and and was engulfed in an array of seizure inducing lights. After 20 seconds, she stopped, and put on her mask. "That's it? A mask?" Nicolas Cage was not amused.
"There's more to it than that. I am the culmination of all I have eaten. Observe." Lucina approached Lissa and touched her sternum. All of Lissa's ribs instantly dislocated from her her spine, causing her to slowly lose shape until she became a sponge. No, Im serious. She was a porous, yellow sea organism.
"Lucina what did you do!? Why is my sister a sponge? Tell me or I'll unleash my secret punishment technique on you."
Father. We must go underwater. I did so she could survive in the water. Now come. We must travel to the Jersey Shore. It is the only way to get to 'Murica." So they journeyed to the nearest beach and found a teen couple admiring the sunset together. They were sitting in a red bugatti.
"Hot dang." Lucina exclaimed. She jumped on top of the driver's back, gave him anesthesia, and threw them both out the car."C'mon guys let's go!" Chrom and the rest tossed themselves (and the sponge) into the italian chariot. Lucina drove their getaway vehicle into the ocean.
Chapter 5: Waterlogged
They kept diving, and diving, until they needed air. Lucina realized that they couldn't drive 200 miles to the American shore. They could go up for air but they were already 2000 ft. below. Lucina tightly hugged her father, but he was pretty confused as to why he was experiencing such love. Until Chrom realized that they were all drowning. They were too low in the water to come back up, so they just drowned and died. Except for Lissa, because she was a sponge. They all died happily never after.
End of Part 1
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