SMB3TRVTLDWYTKA

So everyone knows Mario is just a goofy video game guy made for dumb little babies, right? WRONG!!!!!! He is a creature of pure evil, and they've been trying to cover up the truth from the very beginning... And no, I'm not about to say he's a sociopath or something, MatPat can go piss right off. Keep in mind everything that happens in this story is 1000% real but I can't show you the cartridge or any screenshots because they are just too SCARY!! The last person I sent the cartridge to said "Real suffering is not known" before taking the guard's pistol and offing himself on the spot so now you know why I don't show it anymore.

It all began on the day I decided to visit a yard sale run by Ebay. (Yes, Ebay runs yard sales, this should be common knowledge.) There was this creepy old fuck there who kept giggling to himself and if anyone loitered too long he would take out a shotgun and kill them on the spot. After a bit of looking around I found this busted-up NES cartridge labeled "Super Mario Bros. 3 (The REAL Version The Libtards Don't Want You To Know About.)" I thought that sounded pretty dope and decided to buy it. Oh, and there was also some game called "Pokemon Lost Silver" that looked pretty tight so I took that with me too.

When I got in the check-out line and showed the old geezer Lost Silver, he just shrugged and waved it off without any reaction. But when I tried paying for SMB3TRVTLDWYTKA (as I'll be referring to it as from now on), something kinda weird happened. A look of absolute terror and shock crossed the old man's face in an instant, and he could barely choke out the words "My God in heaven... it cannot be... The legends were true..." before having a heart attack and falling dead on the ground. Weird, right? But I just assumed it was a glitch and headed back home with my new games.

I decided to play SMB3TRVTLDWYTKA first since that's what the voices in my head told me to do. I popped the NES cartridge into my Sega Genesis and jumped right into the meat and potatoes. It started up with the title screen which looked totally normal except the logo words were replaced with "You Am Dead, Idiot!" Then when Mario and Luigi appeared on the screen, Mario took out a shotgun and blew Luigi's head off. It reminded me of the pleasant times that me and my own older brother would have back when I was a little snot.

Anyway, when I got to the overworld map, I discovered that the music had been replaced by "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley, which outraged me. First of all, how did they even get such a hyperrealistic song to play on the NES sound chip?? And second of all, I had been rickrolled!! AGAIN!! I was so angry that I had to pick up my pet monkey Bobo and throw him out the window before I could resume playing. (Don't worry, he's fine, he's a professional window crasher.) Little did I know that this was the part where things would, as my grandpappy always says, start getting hairy...

I started World 1-1 and it was the scariest thing I had ever seen in my life and I peed my pants 50 million times. (I counted each one.) The first thing I noticed was that there was blood EVERYWHERE. The sky was blood, the ground was blood, the enemies were blood, even your mom was blood. I was super spooked out and tried to hit a mushroom block to ease my fears, but instead of a mushroom coming out it was a SWASTIKA which was REALLY SCARY. I screamed like a little girl and ran away to the next area, which was nothing but ground and a message in blood reading "YOU ARE A STUPID DOO DOO BUTT." I gasped out loud and fell out of my chair. How did the game know that about me??? Clearly this wasn't just any edgy ROM hack made by a 6 year old, but a HAUNTED game from the depths of Hell itself...

I started getting scared and wanted to stop playing, but then I remembered I could write a really awesome story for all the shmucks who like horror stories so I kept going. I made it to the platform area with all the winged koopas jumping around, except there was one scary change... the koopas' eyes were RED!!! Like EVIL!!! Jeff the Killer was also there stabbing the corpse of a headless guy with a knife, but I wasn't really that impressed and just focused on the scary koopas. Moving on to the next section, it was basically the same except the background was replaced with a hyper-realistic picture of a STORK. I was spooked out of my skin. It's impossible to get graphics of that caliber on the 8-bit NES!!!!!!!!!1 The only explanation that made any sense was that the developers were wizard goblins from outer space.

I was getting thoroughly shook from all the spooks and scares happening to me and rushed to find the end of the level, which was thankfully up next. I slid down the flagpole and entered the castle, which was the scariest part of the entire level since that's not supposed to happen in SMB3!!!!!!!!1

After that I literally have nothing interesting to say until I made it to World 8-Castle. It started out in an empty room with my name, IP address, home address, and social security number written in blood messages. They were all completely wrong, but I appreciated the effort so I got scared anyway. In the next area I had to dodge all these giant bloody axes getting thrown at me, plus there was this image that showed up for only a split-second. I used the frame advance that every NES has to find out what the image was, and it turned out to be a chicken wearing sunglasses. I was thoroughly shooken because chickens don't wear sunglasses. The final obstacle was all these knives falling off the ceiling, a billion knives at least that Mario had to avoid. The Joker was also there and he said "I'm the Joker, baby!!" before getting sliced in half by a falling knife.

It was only then that the giant, blood-red boss doors revealed themselves to me... Finally, the end of all the hijinks... When I was just about to enter, a hyper-realistic Boom-Boom ran up to Mario and spoke in crystal-clear audio, "Stop playing the game! If you step through those doors, you're going to DIE!!!" But I ignored him and went through the doors anyway since breaking the fourth wall is a very overdone cliche.

Stepping into the boss arena, I was stunned to discover the most horrifying sight I had ever laid eyes on... EVIL PATRIXXX, making his mandatory cameo in this trollpasta!!! Me and EVIL PATRIXXX had an epic 30-phase-long boss fight that was simply so majestic that I lack the words to describe it to you. During the course of the fight he revealed that he was the creator of the game and also killed my dead girlfriend or something, but I think he was talking to the wrong person. I've been painfully single my entire LIFE!!! Anyway, the battle ended with Mario defeated, unable to move as EVIL PATRIXXX slowly advanced towards him... only for a skeleton to pop out and destroy EVIL PATRIXXX in one hit. The skeleton turned to Mario and spoke the wise words, "I guess you could say that guy just got dooted!" Cue a laugh track, applause, and a Seinfeld-style credits scene.

Overall, pretty good game, 7.8 out of 10, too much water.

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