Sonic.exe: The Potty Mouth Edition
I am a huge fan of motherfucking Sonic the Hedgehog, and I particularly like the older games because the new ones suck monkey fuck. I don't mind playing fucked up ROM hacks and shit like that, because I fucking love everything that has the Sonic name. Except Sonic '06, that shitty thing can go to hell. But last summer I got a pretty weird Sonic ROM hack that fucking sucked.
It was August, and I was jerking off until I checked my fuckin' mailbox. The postman appeared and gave me a weird as fuck disk that had a black text saying "Sonic.exe". I was thinking "What the hell is this piece of crap doing in my house?" But you know what they say: It's free!
So I popped that fucker into my computer and started the fucking game. It was an .exe file called SONIC, I clicked on it and the shitty thing started. It had the title screen of the original Sonic the Hedgehog for Sega Mega Drive/Genesis, and I said to myself: "Oh man, I remember this fucking game, this is gonna be awesome". But my expectations went down the toilet when I noticed that the title screen changed for a split second. I don't remember how it looked, but I think that it was some kind of shitty and edgy edit with blood or something like that. I said to myself: "Oh, I see, it's some kind of dumb ROM hack, okay, let's see what is this shitty game about". After the fucking title there was a selection screen with a red background and three characters: Tails, Knuckles and Robotnik, but Tails was the only available character, so I started the game with him.
The first level was called "Hill, Act 1". But... what Hill? Green Hill Zone? Emerald Hill Zone? Green Khil Zone? Rainbow Hill Zone? BLOODY HELL ZONE?! WHAT KIND OF SHITTY FUCKING NAME IT'S "HILL ACT 1?!! And I know that it's a ROM hack, but that does not protect you from criticism! The level was actually just Green Hill Zone, but it had some shitty music that was playing backwards and there was no action whatsoever, it was all about walking forward like an idiot. Nothing interesting happened, except for some poorly made sprites of dead animals, whatever, I kept on walking until I found Sonic, who had his eyes closed. Tails stopped and proceeded to walk really slowly to Sonic. There was no more music, only an annoying static sound that kept getting louder and louder. (I was playing in a computer, not in a TV, what the fuck it's wrong with this game?) Then Sonic opened his eyes, they were black with red dots (that's not scary) and the level ended. And then, a message appeared in the screen: "Hello, do you want to play with me?" Who the hell was talking?
...
Who cares? The next level was called "Hide and Seek", which again, was only about walking forward without any action whatsoever. At one point, that ridiculous bloody Sonic appeared and started chasing me. I didn't gave a shit about that game anymore, so I ran into Sonic on purpose and the chasing thing ended. Tails started to cry alone for a few seconds. I thought: "There's gonna be a jumpscare right now, am I right?" And then, Sonic popped out of nowhere. Tails screamed like a little girl and there was 16 bit blood so I guessed that the bloody Sonic killed him. (Putting screamers does not make your game scarier, dumbass)
Another message appeared: "You're too slow, want to try again?" The game sent me back to the select screen again, and now, Knuckles was unlocked, but the Tails save file was blocked. I got bored so I turned off the game and searched some information about it on the internet, and it turned out to be a shitty game based on a shittier creepypasta about a haunted Sonic game, and I figured out that it was completely pointless to keep playing that shitty game. And then I took the disk and thought about if it was worthy to have it in my room.
...
It wasn't. It was just a worthless shitload of fucked up bullshit that wasted my time. I'd rather get fucked in the ass by a fucking porcupine than playing this fucking game again. This poor excuse of a horror game can kiss my fucking ass.
And then I thought about what to do with it. And I came to the conclusion of destroying the fucking disk!
I started throwing it outside. I took a hammer and a sword, but before I went outside, a bird took a shit on it. Good. I started to smash the motherfucking disk with the sword until it split in two halves. I pissed on both halves of the disk and then hammered until it broke into smaller pieces. To finish I spat on the remaining pieces of the disk. I gave it the finger, and I wrapped it in brown paper and gave it to an asshole named Kyle. Poor bastard... It's been many years since I played this thing and all that I can say it's...
Fuck this game.
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